I am a Fringe Person, Too!

• Kim went with me to Horsefly’s 39th birthday party last night.  She was so nervous about finally meeting all my family and Charlie’s family.  “They are going to think I am so fat!” she told me.  “They will just adore you,” I told her.  Things went fine and Kim was soon welcomed into my family as a new member. “She’s cute and has a good personality,” dad told me at one point pulling me to the side. “I am happy for you.”
• “Why aren’t you close to your brother and sister?” Kim asked on the drive home from Charlie’s as my  sister was there and we didn’t interact much. “I would love to have siblings.”  “I am a fringe person,” I told her. “They are extremely mainstream so we don’t have a lot in common.  My brother and sister rarely talk to my mother as well treating her with contempt for when she was very mentally ill years ago.” “That’s sad,” Kim replied. “Your mother is a wonderful person. I just love her to death!”  I sadly grew quiet in contemplation thinking about it as I took Kim home.  She remarked on my quietness saying sorry she brought the issue up.  We have a strange family was my conclusion.  We are just not a close concentric family like most others.
• Charlie is on a mission today to find me a new area rug for what was my old computer room.  The room looks so bare now that I have moved my computer desk into the den.  I am so excited as to what he will find today.  I have been very keen on getting my house looking better both inside and out.   He always has a few spares tucked away in some of the houses he owns in which he stores antiques and things.
• I bought five work shirts and work pants today.  I love khaki “Docksider” slacks as they are so comfortable.  Blue jeans are just too hot for right now at work.  Today will also be laundry day as I have a pile of it to do.  I will be busy washing, drying, ironing work shirts and pants today.
• Charlie is going ahead with buying the house next to mine where the former drug dealer lived.  He said last night he has already got the ball rolling.  Dad commented last night that it is going to be nice to extend my fence to that house to give Maggie more room to run.  Charlie said he is going to install a dog door in that house as well so Maggie can see him when he is over.  It reminds me of those elaborate hamster habitats we are building for Maggie.  She is going to have all kinds of new places and environments to explore.
• I had another wonderful day yesterday mentally.  It truly is a marvel to behold.  I haven’t really haven’t felt better in years and it bears repeating.  Last night, at Horsefly’s party, I was so calm and collected.  No anxiety what so ever although I did take two Klonopin before going just in case I would have an anxiety attack. Kim says I am a natural socially which is ironic.  I told her I am “good at getting on stage, but I feel awkward.”
• I still feed Joyce’s cat, Lucky, everyday when I get home from work.  He is waiting on me patiently every morning for his daily can of Tuna.  I’ve been leaving my basement door cracked and Lucky has been sleeping under my house these days where it is nice and cool during the heat of the day.  He wanders the neighborhood at night marking his territory I surmise.
• I am sadly losing momentum as far as my yard card business is concerned.  It has been so hot here lately and I absolutely dread getting out and knocking on doors to drum up business.  I should be out right now pulling my mower around to neighborhoods looking for work.  I now have eight regular customers, but I need many more to make it a viable business.  It doesn’t help that I have been a voracious book reader lately just consuming books one after the other.  My cool house, a book, and my Lazy Boy beckons every hot afternoon.
• George wrote today that he got into a vicious fight with his cellmate.  Apparently, his cellmate didn’t go to breakfast the other morning choosing to stay in the cell and drank several of George’s Cokes.  George said he as irate as he can only get six a week.  George wrote that all the other prisoners got to whooping and hollering, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”   Ah, prison drama.  It just never ends.
• Mrs. Florene calls me everyday almost.  She is so excited for September 9th to get here.  She asked me this morning if I thought they would parole George.  “With prison overpopulation and the relative minor-ness of George’s charges he should come home,” I told her optimistically.  I really need to get over to Florene’s house and see about George’s cars although George won’t be able to drive ever again unless it is illegally.  I am already envisioning scenarios where I will be George’s chauffer when he arrives home.  And what will George do about work with all those felony charges?  Mrs. Florene is going to have her hands full when he finally does get home from prison.
• One of my biggest disappointments in getting digital cable was BBCAmerica.  I was so looking for interesting British programming like they often show on public television.  I was sad when I realized Georgia Public Broadcasting had more British shows than BBCAmerica.  No Eastenders.  No British comedies. Nothing.  Just Top Gear and Star Trek:The Next Generation.  It has so much promise, but the almighty advertising dollar wins out over quirky and interesting British programming. 

Just for the Kitties to Maggie’s Chagrin…

• Mom called me as I was driving home from work.  “I bought 50 pounds of kitty litter on sale and I can’t get it in the house!” she told me.  I laughed.  Mom is so obsessive compulsive.  “Well, it was on sale and I had coupons and thought I would stock up.” I drove over and helped mom get the kitty litter in the house.  I heard Helen groan as I carried them into the pantry as changing the cat’s numerous litter boxes is her least favorite task.
• Mom and I then took my car to West Point Tire and Auto to get my oil changed and my brakes worked on.  She is insisting on paying for this despite me vehemently protesting.   She then brought me home and now I am without a car and it’s a good excuse just to goof off and not fool with my yard care business today.  We have all kinds of heat advisories out for today so sometimes things work out for the best.
• Kim said she wasn’t feeling good this morning when she arrived at work. “Bipolar related stuff,” she told me with a weak grin. “I couldn’t sleep last night worried about anything and everything.”  She said she is obsessing about starting a diet and joining Weight Watchers.  I told her she looks just fine like she is and didn’t need to change a thing.  “But I run out of breath walking the long walk into work,” she told me in reply.  I didn’t comment realizing I was on shaky ground.
• George wrote me today that my having regular sex now solved all my problems mentally.  I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my head as I read.  He has been saying that for years now.  George also wrote to tell me the blog is fantastic and fascinating.  He wants me send pictures of Kim. He said heavier women like Pookie and Kim make better lovers. “There’s more to love!” LOL!!!
• I haven’t been writing about Helen Friday’s as mom and dad are both on diets and Helen has been cooking the most bland diet food.  Low sodium. Low fat. Low taste.  Little color.  We have had baked chicken breasts for two weeks in a row now.  I hope today will be better and maybe I can put some pictures up of Helen’s cooking.
• I felt so well mentally yesterday that it was amazing.  It was probably the best day I have had in many, many years.  Today is proving to be the same with me feeling very well.   I find myself grinning alot these days and it is nice – taking joys out of the simple pleasures of life.  There is still some anxiety – mostly just anxiety about having anxiety oddly enough.  I actually have more anxiety these days about things going back to way they were and how miserable I was mentally.  It is a Catch-22 it seems.
• I visited 12 houses trying to mow lawns for my yardcare business yesterday.  Only one person wanted me to mow their lawn, but I left business cards with all the people I visited.  I am hoping to get some calls in a few weeks.  The business card idea was excellent!  Thanks to those of you that suggested it.  I also left a stack of business cards on the counter near the cash registers at my father’s pharmacy as well.  Maybe a few folks will pick up a card and call.
• I grow increasingly more aggravated at The Weather Channel at every passing day.  Today it was wall to wall grizzly bear attacks.  “What does this have to do with the weather?” I thought.  I was interested in seeing where the cold front was and how it was going to affect our weather the next few days. I never did find out where the cold front was after watching for over twenty minutes. They need to start calling themselves The Boring News Channel (with a dash of weather thrown in).  The Local on the Eights is their saving grace for me and the only real reason I watch these days.
• They have a zero percent chance for rain for us today.  That usually means the weather guessers have gotten it wrong and it will rain.  I am already seeing showers pop up on the radar a few counties away.  The high temperature is supposed to be 100 with a heat index of 110.  Scorching!
• I watched CNN and Fox News for awhile last night.  The news they report is so terrible, gossipy, and depressing.  I reminded myself why I don’t keep up with the news.  I have found if news is important, it finds me instead of me looking for it.    
• One thing I am learning about dating again is that women are extremely complicated and sensitive creatures.  I have to be so careful of what I say or do as not to cause hurt feelings or misunderstandings.  It can be a very delicate dance being in a relationship – especially since you are rusty after years of bachelorhood and being single.  Sometimes I feel like the proverbial bull in the china shop.  Kim is so emotional and I am not sure if it is just bipolar related or just a common symptom of most women as I have forgotten.  I tend to be much more laidback and let things roll off my back more easily relationship wise.  If Kim says something caustic to me, I will laugh not believing it.  if I do it to her, she will sulk and not talk to me.  You just can’t win sometimes.   
• I have gotten in the habit of driving over around 8pm to get my nightly diet Cokes.  I only allow myself six a day much to dad’s amazement.  He thought I would stay hopped up on caffeine all the time when I started working again. It is my most pleasurable ritual to wake up about 3:30am, drink my diet cokes, listen to Coast to Coast AM, and pace the floor vigorously.  I always open up the house to the outside and turn on my fan in the laundry room.  Such a nice way to start the day! 

The Great Overtake…

I just burst out laughing at something someone wrote on Twitter about the fog at Auckland's airport being joyous instead of terrible as usual. Yes, I have my laptop back in action with some new SDRAM and Kim and I were both lying on the bed browsing wirelessly. 

“What’s so funny?” Kim asked curiously.

“It’s a weather related joke,” I said still smiling.

“Ah, boring,” she replied. “I just don’t get your obsession with the weather.”

I looked over at Kim and her boobs were overtaking her laptop which was lying on her chest.  She is very, very large chested.   She had taken off her bra and put on one of my t-shirts before getting on the bed – glad to be out of her work clothes.  I burst out laughing again.

“What’s so funny now?” she asked.

“Your boobs are eating your laptop!” I replied with an air of teenage humor.

She looked down at her chest and burst out laughing.  We both laughed and laughed and I watched as she pushed the laptop further down her chest to clear her slowly spreading boobs. 

Cumulus Field, How I Love Ya!

• The cumulus cloud field is already looking impressive for so early in the morning.  Storms are erupting in central Alabama this hour.  Maybe this is the harbinger of storms for later in the day.  I can only hope.
  
• My supervisor asked me to work an extra hour this morning.  The second shift guy said he was running late and wouldn’t be on time.  My manager has a terrible time finding reliable help to do my job.  I actually ended up goofing off for the hour with nothing to do.  I had gotten caught up pretty early today. Her worries were for naught.
  
• I spent my last hour talking to Derrick in electronics.  I know I’ve said it before, but he is so androgynous.  He looks like your stereotypical butch lesbian.  I seem to have this knack for filling my life with interesting fringe people.  We talked computer talk – mainly about computer gaming video cards and how far they’ve advanced in just a few short years.
  
• Kim loved her flowers.  She said the whole time she was married her husband never once sent her flowers.  She said the girls at work were so jealous and they said I was a keeper.  She also loved her gift certificate to get her manicure and pedicure.  She is going today to get them done when she gets off of work around four.  It made me feel like a million bucks to do that for her.  Sometimes giving can be better than getting I am learning.
  
• These “This and That” type posts are my version of lazy blogging.  I find them far easier and more pleasurable to write than my more “conversational” posts.  I am just being entirely lazy and will try to change that.
  
• George writes just about every day.  Today, I had two letters in the mailbox from him.  He was writing about his favorite times of the day being meal call when he got to leave his cell to be hustled to the prison cantina to eat.  He said breakfast is the best and his favorite meal although he never wants to eat powdered eggs again.  He also wrote his cellmate has been sulking with him for weeks now since he told him to shut up.  He said shopping in the commissary is also a pleasure and he has gotten hooked on caffeine from the sodas he buys every week.
  
• George also wrote of seeing the prison psychiatrist and he prescribed him a new drug to help with alcohol cravings for when he gets out of jail.  I wrote back to George this morning to write me all about how he feels on the drug once he starts taking it.  George said the drug was called Naltrexone and it comes in an injection.
  
• My business cards for my yardcare business arrived today.  I plan on passing them out to every house I visit today – putting them on doors of the houses that don’t answer.  Well, I better go get to work.  It is hot today, but I am feeling very able anxiety wise and better capitalize on this good feeling and get some work done.  I want 10 regular customers by next week.  That is my new goal.     

More This and That…

• Things are going really well these days.  I haven’t felt better in many years – basically my whole life.  My outlook on life is so optimistic these days.  I feel the world is my oyster.  I am still having some anxiety, but it is manageable with my new medications.  The Paxil is working wonders for my social anxiety.  I am feeling so gregarious and adventurous socially these days.
• Kim and Sadie stayed over all day yesterday afternoon after she got off of work.  Our only trip was to the grocery store to get some Stouffer’s lasagna and Texas toast for supper.  She was much more upbeat than the night previously.  Kim brought her laptop and we both spent a bunch of time on the Internet just enjoying each other’s presence in the room.  She and I both just relaxed.  It was nice.
• I took down the video of me because I thought it was too voyeuristic and stupid.  I felt self conscious about it.  It was also poor quality and I didn’t put much effort into fixing that.
• The manager of Kroger called me yesterday asking if I had changed my mind about the job.  He said he was really impressed with my interview.  That made me feel good, but I told him I better stay at Wal-Mart for the time being.  I am absolutely loving my hours at work.  I am such an early morning person.  Late afternoons are when I have the most problems anxiety wise.
• Now that I have control of my medications, I am finding it hard to resist not to take an extra Klonopin or two at the slightest hint of anxiety.  I know I must resist as I will run out of pills at the end of the month and need them to successfully work my job and make it through the day.
• It is the perfect temperature in my house right now at 79 degrees.  I have all my windows and doors open to the outside world and am enjoying listening to Coast to Coast AM and all the nighttime insects.  The chorus of a Southern summer night is so beautiful and music to my ears.
• I am so glad Mary K is back to writing her other blog about her experiences with diabetes and RA.  I feel like I am getting to know her better through that blog.  I want to share with her her experiences and her trials and tribulations.
• For months, I have been using Windows Vista which came with my Dell. I installed Windows 7 last night and am giving it another try.  My computer wasn’t sleeping successfully with Vista and now that is fixed.  Thank goodness!
• I only slept 4 hours tonight, but it was a sound sleep.  I slept so hard that I didn’t move all night and my hip is hurting from sleeping on it too hard.  I had a pillow between my legs and never rolled over. 
• Mrs. Florene called me last night with the wonderful news that George goes in front of the parole board on Thursday, September 9th.  We are keeping our fingers crossed that they will parole him.  George had a lot of felony charges, but he has been a model prisoner.  I want my best friend home safe and sound and back to his old, crazy ways.  He will have to wear an alcohol monitoring device for 6 months Mrs. Florene said. 
• Dad has really lightened up about me and my new life.  He told me last night that he loved me dearly and just wants me to be happy.  “I’ve been too hard on you,” he said. “I am sorry.  I’ve put too much pressure on you over the years.”
• Dad bought the biggest LCD big screen television you have ever seen.  It is truly a marvel.  The only problem?  He can’t figure out how to turn in on most of the time.  That made me laugh when he had me drive over late last night to show him how to turn on the digital cable and the TV.  I am still astounded he can turn on his computer and get on the Internet. 
• After work, I plan on focusing my efforts today and drumming up more customers for my yardcare business.  I now have 7 regular customers that get their lawn’s mowed every two weeks.  I want be eventually busy enough that I mow lawns everyday and not just a few days every two weeks.  When my lawn care business gets so busy as to support me fulltime then I will quit my job at Wal-Mart.  This will probably take a year, though, I surmise.  I want to be my own boss so badly.  Just like my father.  I’ve got a lot of him in me much to his chagrin. :-)
• Derrick, the guy from work who works in electronics, called me yesterday asking about my new processor.  I fell over myself telling him about my new “VelociRaptor” drive on the way.  He was intrigued that I like to upgrade my computers myself much like him.  He is a big gamer, though, which I am not.  I just can’t play video games these days.  They bore me intensely.  Too tedious!  It is nice having a guy friend to talk to that has similar interests as me.  He has become a good friend.  
• Well, it is 4:15am and I better get dressed and ready for work.  I will write again this afternoon most likely.  I have goofed off enough for the morning.

Insomnia Strikes!

I just couldn’t sleep tonight. I slept for two hours and woke up with a headache. I got up, fixed breakfast, and took a shower.  It is now 3:30am.  I have to be at work in an hour and a half. It is going to be a tiresome and long four hours this morning.  I hope I can sleep when I get home.  I am lucky my second job affords flexible hours.

Kim also called late last night as I was laying in the bed reading.  It didn’t help matters as what she said made me worry about her.

“I’m depressed,” she told me.  “I have the dooms and glooms.”

“Do you want to come over with me and Maggie?” I asked.

“I’m already in my pajamas in the bed,” she said. “Sadie’s already settled in for the night.”

We talked for about an hour with the hopes it would cheer her up.  We talked a lot about her bipolar disorder which causes great swings of ups and downs.  She was explicitly honest with me about her past and her kids – a subject we haven’t touched upon very much with me being too shy to press the issue.  Her mother got custody of her two daughters by declaring her mentally incompetent in court when she was very, very ill mentally she said.  Her ex-husband is still in the military overseas in Afghanistan and thus couldn’t take custody of the kids. 

“It’s all so complicated,” Kim told me crying into the phone. “I miss my girls.”

I tried my best to comfort her telling her how drastically my life has changed in a month and the she, too, could change things and get her daughters back with some determination.

“I love you so much,” she told me. “You’re my inspiration.  My life has been so much better with you in it.”

My heart melted as I told her I loved her back and thanked her for the kind words.

“What would you like to do tomorrow that would make you feel better?” I asked before shortly getting off the phone to try and get some broken sleep.

“I just want to spend the day with you when I get off.  I want to make out and make love and drink lots of wine.  I want to throw caution to the wind.”

I told her her wish was my command and we got off the phone.  I lay in the bed for the longest time with my book on my chest thinking about what just transpired.  We all live so complicated lives.  Nothing ever seems to be easy but for only the lucky few.  I am just thankful to have Kim in my life and with that I bid you adieu.   I will write again after work before bed!

Recapping the Day…

• A few months ago, I listened to all the Twilight series on audiobook which I downloaded on iTunes and put on my iPod.  I’ve been hoping to read the books patiently waiting on mom to finish them and pass them down to me.  I think reading will be a more pleasurable and visceral experience.  Mom had the first book in the bag with my diet Cokes tonight.  I will start reading when I go to bed.  I can’t wait to read again about my favorite emo vampire, Edward Cullen. 
• I called dad and pitched him the idea of getting that new 600gb “VelociRaptor” harddrive with the leverage that he didn’t have to buy me a plane ticket to Washington D.C.  He fell for it thankfully.  He said he would get Tricia to order it this week sometime.  It is going to cost $268 dollars.  Expensive!  It is an extremely cutting edge technology drive, though.
• The brake light come on in my car tonight as Kim and I were driving to Sonic for supper.  Thankfully, all I needed was some brake fluid and a quick trip to AutoZone fixed that.  My brakes need servicing soon though as my wear indicators are squealing. I will do them myself most likely.  I’ve always done them on all the previous cars I’ve owned.  A Honda shouldn’t be much different.  I will just buy the shoes and pads at AutoZone.
• As I mentioned previously, Kim and I went to Sonic for supper.  I got a coney dog and tots and the only thing Kim ate was a banana split.  Dating is expensive I am learning.  Women are hard work!
• I had a little bit of anxiety this afternoon and fell into my old mentally ill ways of pacing the floor for hours.  My legs are so sore I can barely stand.  I hid this from Kim.  I don’t want to come across as crazy.  I chalk it up to withdrawal from all those medications I was on for years.  There are going to be a few hiccups down the road of progress I fear.
• Speaking of medications, next Tuesday will mark the first Tuesday in six years that I haven’t received my antipsychotic injection in the old derrière.  This was dad’s method of “social control” for me to keep me sleepy, quiet, and complacent.  He will be freaking out come next week no doubt.  I won’t hear the end of it.  I will jump that hurdle when it arises.  I will go from 6mg a day down to the 3mg my psychiatrist has me currently taking for withdrawal reasons.  We will slowly titrate that down to zero over the coming weeks.
• Dad is still insisting on paying for my cigarettes out of his own money to not pay for them with my disability money.  He said tonight we shouldn’t be paying for addictions with the government’s money.  I reminded him tonight that it was my money.  Disability is an insurance and I paid thousands in taxes in all the decades I managed to work successfully.  This also strikes me as completely odd as I can pay for them myself these days.  That’s $38 dollars a week I am not having to spend.  Dad has his moments although he can be so hard on me.
• Kim also smokes.  A fact I was shy to reveal on the blog not to put her in a bad light.  I strike it up to her bipolar disorder.  So many mentally ill people smoke.  She has an addictive personality like me.  We both have to be careful with our inclinations.    
• I ordered a mixed bouquet of flowers from Mrs. Sandra’s florist to be delivered tomorrow to the jewelry counter at Wal-Mart.  I hope Kim enjoys them and it thrills her.  I want to show off like that peacock I have mentioned flaring his feathers. I wrote on the little card that she has changed my life immensely for the better and brought me immeasurable joy.

This Made Me Bust Out Laughing – God Bless the Onion…

Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon

GOTHAM CITY—Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commissioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety. Known for her outlandish costumes and geometric polygon hair, the criminal madwoman made a daring escape from Arkham Asylum last week and has been taunting authorities by interrupting television broadcasts ever since. "If you ever want to see Commissioner Gordon again, you'll do exactly as I say," Lady Gaga said from her secret lair, adjusting her angular yellow Tyvek and spandex dress as henchmen danced menacingly around the bound commissioner. While the kidnapping occurred at stately Wayne Manor, home of playboy jet-setter Bruce Wayne, the eccentric billionaire was not available for comment.

Wonderful, Beautiful Computer Hardware Parts!

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Thermal Matters…

I left work at nine and drove directly to Auburn to buy some thermal compound for my processor.  I thought I had a full tube of Arctic Silver, but it was empty.  I couldn’t install my processor without it.   I reluctantly came back to the Valley to start the job at my Benefactor’s house.  I really wanted to come home and play, but work beckoned.  Installing my processor would have to wait.  As I  had expected, it was a hot and sweaty job requiring lots of physical exertion.  I earned every bit of the $50 dollars my Benefactor paid me.

“You work hard and very fast,” my Benefactor told me at one point as he stood in the backyard nosily surveying my efforts.

“I can’t wait to get home,” I told him. “I have a new toy to play with. Computer related stuff.”

“I don’t get all these new fangled computers,” he replied. “All you hear about on TV these days is dot com this and dot com that.”

I smiled at his obsolescence and continued to chop down underbrush.  

I then rushed home so excited to get into some computer work – immediately removing the cover off my computer case.  I carefully removed the heatsink. Uninstalled the old processor which will be sold on EBay.  And proceeded to install the new one.  I then applied a razor thin layer of thermal paste and put back on the heatsink.  Everything went flawlessly and I was so relieved when the BIOS on my motherboard recognized the new processor after a quick BIOS update and my computer booted up without a hitch.  FAST!  Is all I can say.  I effectively have 12 GHz of processing power now.  Applications open almost instantly – the only bottleneck being my harddrive and I already have plans on replacing that tonight which I will run by dad when he gets off of work.  I want to order a new extremely fast 600gb velociraptor drive and will get dad to pay for it out of my disability money under the guise that he would have spent that money to buy me a plane ticket to Washington if I went.  I am going to have a blazing fast and updated computer when all is said and done before long.

Wasabi Nights…

Last night was very, very nice.  It is so nice to have a companion to spend time with and do things.  Kim and I went out to eat at the new sushi restaurant downtown.  I am still astounded that our little town has a sushi house.  The new Kia plant is working wonders for our local economy.  As Charlie said the other day, downtown is thriving these days after being dead for decades.  

“You are really adept at those chopsticks,” Kim told me as I dipped a tuna roll in a little ornate square dish of wasabi sauce.

“Rachel was obsessed with all things Asian,” I told her of my ex-wife making conversation as I chewed my food. “We often ate out at Asian restaurants and she cooked lots of Asian themed food.  Rachel kept a set of formal ivory chopsticks at home for when we ate.  She kept saying we were going to get remarried and would order fancy wedding kimonos off of EBay spending a fortune.”

“She sounded like an interesting lady,” Kim replied with an air of jealously.

“Yes, she was. She was an interesting woman,” I told her. “But she was also completely nuts!”

I chuckled as I shook my head and ate another bite of food.

Kim laughed. “Like me?”

“No, you are not nuts,” I replied. “You are just perfect in my book. Rachel makes you look completely sane!”

After our meal, we went and got Sadie and Kim’s Eclipse, and brought Sadie to my house so her and Maggie could play.  Kim ended up spending the night over at my house and you should have seen us all piled in my queen sized bed – dogs and all.  We were the crew!  I got one of the better nights of sleep I have had in ages listening to the dogs snore and sigh softly overnight.  I told Kim she and Sadie should stay over more often.

“I don’t want you to go to work!” she told me pouting this morning as I crawled out of the bed at four AM to shower, shave, and fix some breakfast.  “I want you to stay in bed with me.”

“I would love nothing more than to just throw the covers back over my head and sleep till noon.  Just leave the door unlocked when you leave for work,” I told her as I kissed her on the cheek as her and the dogs went back to sleep.  I headed to work.  It was the first time I didn’t want to go into work in the three weeks since I started working at Wal-Mart.  Pleasanter things were in store at home.

I Need a Better Brew…

Kim looked in my fridge last night to put in a bottle of wine to chill and she noticed my six pack of Schlitz malt liquor I had bought previously in the day.  I reached in, grabbed one, and took a drink – my sunset brew for the day.

“How can you drink that stuff?” she asked. “Only winos and Billy Dee Williams drink malt liquor.”

I burst out laughing at the Billy Dee Williams reference and those old Colt 45 malt liquor commercials.

“Malt liquor is sweeter than beer and less carbonated,” I told her. “I kind of like it.  It’s a throwback to when George and I would drink all the time.  Everything I know about drinking I learned from George.”

“What’s your favorite beer?” Kim asked.

“Heineken by far,” I replied. “I also like Grolsch, but they are so expensive, I can’t afford them or I should say I am too cheap to buy them.  Schlitz is only $2.99 a 6-pack.”

“I am going to start buying you a six pack of Heineken every few days so you won’t drink that junk,” Kim told me. “I don’t want you to be like a wino.”

I laughed. That would be nice I thought – nice not to be like a wino.  Although, I don’t need any nefarious influences as far as my drinking is concerned.  I find myself able to drink two or three beers and be satisfied, though, these days.  Dad would just die if he knew I had a girlfriend who is buying me Heineken.  That would be the horror of all horrors for him. 

Brownie Points…

I thought I would do something special for Kim today.  I am going to swing by the nail salon and get her a gift certificate to get a manicure and a pedicure.  I think she will really be surprised and like that.  She often says she likes to get it done, but it’s expensive.  I am going to give her a treat.  That fifty dollars I worked so hard for today will pay for it I hope.  I have no idea how much it will cost. 

I would also like to get her some flowers, but I don’t know what to get.  I thought roses would be too ostentatious.  The last time I bought flowers was a dozen roses for my ex-wife when we were dating.  I sent them to the restaurant she was working at.  Would it seem too sappy for me to get Kim flowers?  I hope not.  I am going to give it a try and see how she reacts.

George Gets His Magazines…

George wrote today that he received the first issues of his magazines already.  “There’s a lot of shit going on in the world that I didn’t know about,” he wrote of reading Time.  George’s letters have been more upbeat lately with more confirmation that he will most likely be paroled come September or October.  Florene and I are praying for September and it has been a big topic of discussion between us – us both growing excited at every passing day.   We both can’t wait for fall to get here.  It all depends on when George goes in front of the parole board. 

Light Show!

Super Excited! Big Storms Around! Hearing Thunder Now!

Thunder Booming!

Bad Me, I Put Off Working…

My Benefactor just called last hour.

“Can you come and trim some undergrowth?” he asked. “I will pay you $50 dollars to do it.”

This will probably be the last bit of work available to do on his house and yard for awhile other than mowing his lawn.  We have really got his yard looking nice – no more complaints from the city.

“Can I come after I get off of work at nine tomorrow?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said.

It is already blazing hot and I have my processor coming today and want to be at the house when they deliver it.  I shouldn’t have put off tomorrow what I can do today, but I hope it will be cooler if I start earlier.  It is going to be another tough, sweaty job.

I just looked online and my package is in Lagrange just 16 miles away.  It says “in transit”. I am hoping the FedEx guy will be here any moment now.  I haven’t been so excited about a purchase since I got my iPod for Christmas.  The processor is going to be overkill for what I use my computer for, but it’s a hobby.  An expensive hobby if you like to keep your computer updated.  My next purchase will be two fast video cards in SLI.  That will cost around $400 dollars.  I better get saving.  I have so many purchases I want to make these days.

Hey Beautiful…

Kim was dressed so beautiful today when she arrived at work at eight.  I was out in the parking lot gathering up a scattering of carts when she surprised me.

“What are we doing tonight?” she asked me.

“Anything as long as it’s with you,” I told her.

“Awww, you are so sweet,” she swooned.

“Let’s go to that new Sushi place downtown tonight.  My treat,” I told her.

“Sounds like a plan,” Kim replied. “I better go clock in.”

“I’ll see you tonight!”

She really did look beautiful.  For a heavier woman, she carries herself well.  She had on this black short sleeved top with a v-neck that made her look much slimmer than she really is and some grey slacks that accentuated her sexy butt.  She had on her Invicta lady's watch with the cat on the face which fascinates me.  I’ve always wanted to own an Invicta watch.  Around her neck, was a plain herringbone silver necklace.  She also had on some silver hoop earrings that accentuated her blonde hair. 

Processors Aren’t the Only Thing Being Delivered…

Mom arrived with groceries a moment ago as I was writing this post.  I quit and went out to get my groceries in from the trunk.

“How was work?” mom asked as I gathered up several bags.

“It was steady which was nice,” I replied. “The four hours flew by.”

Mom got me my staples.  She also got me five of those “steam to perfection” pasta bowls.  I have never found a frozen meal that tastes better.  Mom came in to see Maggie which just thrilled Maggie to death.  Most of the time, mom will just sit in the car.

“You’ve lost weight,” I told her. “You can tell it in your butt.”

“Really?” mom said looking excited. “I’ve tried so hard lately.”

Sometimes, a little encouragement is all we need.  And mom is looking better.  I can’t keep from thinking that if we got mom off Zyprexa then the weight would just fall off her.  It is renowned for causing weight gain and diabetes. 

Up and At ‘Em…

Well, it is 4:00am and I am up and at ‘em.  Today, Monday, marks the start of my fourth week of returning to work.  Who would have thought I could have worked three days let alone four weeks a month ago.  A month ago, all I could think of was suicide I was so miserable.  Now? My life has taken on this 180 degree change.

Yesterday marked a whole day without anxiety.  Isn’t that just wonderful?  It was the first time in  years.  No social anxiety. No knots in my stomach.  No feelings of impending doom. I thought I was in heaven and relished every bit of it.  I’ve had some withdrawal coming off all those medications, but it is nothing compared to the symptoms I experienced on them.  Who would have thought all those medications that were supposedly helping me were the problem?  Dad still says I am crazy and am on a manic high and am going to crash soon.  Let’s hope he’s wrong.  He’s not perfect despite what he might think. He doesn’t know everything.   I keep having to remind him he is not a doctor nor my psychiatrist.

Charlie’s Idiosyncrasies…

Charlie came by late last night.  His wife had cooked a “tomato pie”.  It was this Italian dish with layers of garden fresh tomatoes and various Italian cheeses in a biscuit like crust.  It was delicious and a wonderful late night snack.  I ate both two large slices with relish before bed.  I always eat a large meal before retiring to bed. 

“I am buying the house next door to you as soon as it comes up for auction,” Charlie told me last night. “I found out today it is in foreclosure.”

“The drug dealer’s house that went to jail?”

“Yeap,” Charlie said. “We are going to extend your fence over to that house and let Maggie have more room to run.  I want Maggie to be my dog, too!”

I smiled.  It will be wonderful to have Charlie owning that house.  He will do what he normally does with a fixer upper.  He will flip the house and sell it for a profit.  Charlie relishes home improvement projects and will do most of the work himself.  I have never met a harder working man. 

“Saturday is Horsefly’s 39th birthday,” Charlie then told me. “I want you to come and if you can’t then I am bringing you birthday cake and hamburgers.”

“I would really like to be there,” I told Charlie. “I am feeling less socially anxious in years and think I can handle a large crowd.  What can I get Horsefly for his birthday?”

“Get him a bottle of Scope mouthwash,” Charlie told me with a laugh. “He can’t have enough bottles.  You should see the shelves in his room.  He has probably a hundred.  Just put a bow on it.”

I smiled at Horsefly’s weird obsessions and told Charlie I would do my very best to be there. Paxil don’t let me down!

Planning my Ritualistic Morning…

I just drove over after supper to pick up my diet Cokes for the morning.  Mom heard me pull up in the driveway and was waiting at the backdoor for me with questions – lots of questions.

“How much do you make a month?” she asked obtrusively.

“About $650 dollars,” I replied.

She sighed with relief. “Well, at least you’re not over the limit.”

“What’s got you so obsessive about this Social Security?” I asked.

“Your father says you are going to lose it and you can’t work a full time job that will support you.  I just worry about you.  You haven’t worked in eight years.  That is a very long time.  I could never go back to work.”

I then sighed. “Mom, I am 38 years old. I will be fine.  I can work full time given some job experience and acclimation to working again.”

“Why do you want to work so badly?” she then asked.

“For my self esteem mainly,” I replied. “I want to be a self supporting man.  It’s a guy thing. Guy’s want to be independent and to be able to support themselves and their loved ones.”

“I just wish you would quit and stay on disability,” mom said. “You know your father will support you if you need anything.”

“That’s the problem,” I said frowning. “It is demeaning to me to be dependent on you all for everything.  I didn’t have a life.  I had nothing to do, but sit at home and feel sorry for myself – obsessing over my perceived mental illnesses.”

“You know I love you and only want what is best for you,” mom told me.

“I know,” I replied. “That’s the big difference between you and dad.  Dad just wants you and I to be quiet and complacent so he can go about his life unimpeded.  He’s not looking out for my best interests.  You genuinely are.”

I grabbed my cokes and told mom goodnight.  She stood at the door and watched as I drove off.  I love my  mother so much and hate dad has gotten her into worrying so much about me.   There seems to be this concerted effort within the family to get me to go back to the old ways.  I don’t want to go back to dying emotionally and mentally.  I want to live.  I want purpose to my life.  I just want to be me for a change after being someone else for years – someone’s sick and mentally ill son who needed to be taken care of.  Family roles are so hard to break I am learning from the opposition I have experienced. 

The Filling is Good…

Kim told me tonight she loves my house.

“It’s so small and cozy,” she told me. “Perfect for just you.”

Kim’s house is about twice the square feet as mine.  Her mother owns it and let’s her live in it rent free.  I was lamenting to Kim tonight after supper about my house being really nice looking on the inside, but the outside looks crappy.

“You could paint it,” she said.

“I would really like to put vinyl siding on it, but the cost is prohibitive,” I replied.

“Well, the shrubbery looks much better since you trimmed it,” she told me trying to make me feel better.

“Dad was going to have vinyl siding put on it, but it seems I have fallen out of favor,” I told her. “I would rather pay for it myself anyway.  I better start saving.  I’ve got to come up with a couple thousand dollars.”

Kim hugged me and told me to keep my eye on the prize.

“Who knows?” she said. “Maybe your yardcare business will take off and you will be rolling in money soon.”

I smiled.  It was a nice thought.  I would love nothing more than for that to happen.  I will keep plugging away at my daily efforts at that business hoping to be completely self supporting in a year.  Finally, I can put Social Security disability to rest.

Computer in Pieces Being Cleaned…

Couldn’t Sit Still…

• I mowed my neighbor, Mr Ed’s, lawn this afternoon.  God, it was hot! I should’ve done it early this morning.  He has just gotten too old to do it being in his eighties.  I didn’t ask for payment.  I told him just to bring his older Boston terrier, Dixie, over to play with Maggie sometimes in the fence.  I said it would thrill Maggie’s soul.
• Speaking of dogs, Kim brought Sadie over this afternoon to see Maggie.  They had a good time play fighting – carrying on like only a couple of crazy dogs can do.  They were instant friends.   Kim also told me she couldn’t stay mad at me and she said she loved me.  It was the first time she had used that word in our new relationship.  I was elated and told her I loved her back.  I really do.  I have fallen helplessly and hopelessly in love with that woman in just a few short weeks.
• Mom is obsessing that I am going to lose my disability. That’s what’s going on with her these days.  She has called me three times this afternoon asking how to look up the disability guidelines on the Internet.  I am hoping by reading them, and her seeing that I am not breaking any rules, that it will put her at peace.  Dad has been feeding her lots of anti-Andrew independence propaganda making mom paranoid about me and my new life. 
• Dad gave me some stern warnings that he is going to retire soon and that I needed to be extra careful about my current course of action.  “You’re playing with fire!” he told me. “My income is going to greatly lessened and I will be unable to bail you out or keep you in cars.”  I calmly told him I was 38 years old and could take care of myself these days.  He didn’t like hearing it, but it needed to be said.  I am capable of supporting myself.  I don’t need to be coddled anymore. 
• My medication costs will soon go from $1300 dollars a month to $200 dollars a month.  Aren’t you excited taxpayers? lol
• I am cooking dinner tonight for Kim.  I bought a pizza crust and am making a supreme pizza for supper.  We are also going to have a salad. I am making some homemade blue cheese dressing which Kim told me was her favorite.  I am also very fond of it as well.
• I spent most of the morning reading magazines as I watched the WeatherNow channel.  It was such a peaceful morning and I needed the rest.  Does anybody realize how busy my life has gotten lately compared to just a few short weeks ago?  I went from 0 to 100 in three weeks time.
• Spent some time taking apart an old computer this afternoon and putting it back together – cleaning the parts of dust.  I crossed my fingers as I pushed the power button and it fired to life.  It took 30 minutes to install WindowsXP.  This is going to be my emergency backup computer if my good computer fails.   I can’t live without blogging. 
• Lots of showers around us according to the radar, but none in our county.  I was sorely disappointed when all hell didn’t break loose weatherwise today.  A strong high pressure is over us capping the storms. 
• My laptop quit a few months ago.  I have missed sitting on the porch in the early mornings with it dearly browsing wirelessly.  I think I have managed to narrow down the cause.  A bad stick of SDRAM.  I ordered a cheap stick and it should be here next week.  RAM is so cheap these days compared to years ago when I repaired computers all the time when I was married. 
• Tomorrow starts back work.  I look forward to it.  This is the first job in my life that I have ever looked forward to working.  My job really is simple and straightforward.  A moron could do it.  I suits my initial return to work just fine.  I just couldn’t make a “gainful wage” working it as Social Security puts it.
• Charlie came and got me this morning to go fix Janice’s computer.  Her email wasn’t working.  It was a simple fix.  Charlie supplied me with ample diet Cokes for the day from the fridge in his basement in payment.  I still have to be careful with how many caffeinated drinks I drink per day.  I much prefer just my six in the morning and Crystal Light for the rest of the day.
• A new Sushi place has opened up downtown.  Kim and I are both eager to try it out.  That will be a goal for one night this week.  Ah, tuna rolls!  Downtown is really thriving with the opening of the new Kia plant nearby.  A lot of Korean restaurants have set up shop as well.

Morning Thunderstorm…

More This and That…

• Kim and I went to see The Twilight Saga: Eclipse last night.  Kim said it was a movie about emo vampires and shirtless werewolves.  I laughed.  She was pretty much right.  All the Twilight movies start extremely slow with lots of romance and end up with these sweeping intense action sequences.  I loved it having listened to all the audiobooks on my iPod.  Kim was meh having not read the books!
• We then to Chili’s afterwards and both got the babyback ribs. Kim drank two giant margaritas before our meal and I told her she drank too much in a very passive way – basically just an aside.  It hurt her feelings and it was a quiet ride home back from Auburn as she pouted with me.  I apologized profusely to no avail. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.  No sex last night which I was looking forward to some amorous affairs.
• I managed to garner two more regular customers for my yardcare business yesterday.  One was this very attractive single older lady who was very flirtatious. She was a cougar.  I was extremely flattered, but managed to hold her advances at bay.  The other lady was another older woman who had been paying $40 dollars every two weeks for a yardcare business to mow her lawn.  She jumped at the bargain I am at mowing for only $20 dollars.
• The radar is looking very active this early in the morning which is odd, but exciting.  Soon, the heat of the day will hit and storms will just erupt.  I am excited for what the day will bring weather-wise. 
• I absolutely can’t wait for my new processor to get here tomorrow.  I am chomping at the bit to tear my computer apart and install it. I am hoping the BIOS on my Dell supports it.  I am gambling that it will work.  The CPU has four processors running at 3.0 GHz.  My current processor is a Core 2 Duo overclocked to 3.6 GHz but it only has two processors.
• Dad paid me a compliment yesterday saying he was astonished I wasn’t a drunken mess by now.  I am happy I told him.  I don’t need to stay drunk all the time when I am not miserable.
• I’ve had some withdrawal from my bipolar and antidepressant medications.  I keep feeling what feels like this electric sensation surging through my body.  I believe this is what menopausal women experience when they say that they are having hot flashes.
• One of my biggest mental illness symptoms I had for years was that I would hear what sounded like car doors shutting or knocks on my door.  That has gone away thankfully and much to my relief.  I realize now it was social anxiety related and think my new medication for social anxiety is helping.
• My severe anxiety just seems to get better with every passing day.  Each day, late in the afternoons, the anxiety grows less.  I can almost imagine a life without anxiety these days.  I can almost get euphoric when 5pm rolls around and my stomach is not in a knot and I am not a nervous wreck.  It is so very, very nice to live like this.  I deserve this after years of torture on those regards.
• Now that those antidepressants are getting out of my system, I am finding myself a very sexual creature once again after years of being neutered by my medications.  I find myself having fantasies again and I haven’t had them in  years.  I also find attractive women sexually stimulating again for the first time in forever.  Breasts.  Butts.  Hips.  It is all so intoxicating.  
• I just drove over a moment ago to get my six diet Cokes for the day.  Mom still puts them out every night.  I have a new routine while I pace the floor smoking as I drink them.  It has to be one of the pleasurable things I experience these days.  I love this morning routine.
• Well, today is my day off from work and I am going to make it just that, a day off.  No yard work.  No nothing.  I am just going to spend the day reading and browsing the Internet.  And hopefully making amends with Kim.  I can’t stand for her to be outdone with me.  She really doesn’t drink that much.  I am just hypersensitive from my own experiences with drinking.  I just need to be careful.

Jehovah’s Homework…

I arrived home from work this morning to two Jehovah’s witnesses knocking on my door.  Maggie was going bonkers inside signaling the alarm.

“Y’all let me calm my dog down,” I told them as I invited them inside. I put Maggie in the bedroom and shut the door. She finally settled down. 

They were two nice elderly black ladies.  Mrs. Florene would have liked them saying they were kind.  I really didn’t want to fool with this after work.  I can be too kind sometimes for my own good.

“Do you know God’s name?” the lead lady asked me.

“I am not sure,” I replied as I stammered for an answer.

She opened the bible and read a passage from Psalms about God’s name being Jehovah.  She handed me two magazines to read and said they would be back in a week to see what I thought of what I read.  So now I have Jehovah’s homework.  I will probably read the pamphlets out of consideration for the ladies and talk to them about it next week. 

You know what’s amazing about this?  Is that maybe that Paxil I am taking is working.  I normally would have been so socially anxious as to be about crazy from that.  I was nice, calm, and collected, and treated the ladies with respect instead of shutting the door.  Maybe I am getting better. 

This and That…

• Kim cooked spaghetti and meat sauce last night and it was delicious.  Along with garlic bread and a salad with balsamic vinaigrette.  She had bought several bottles of wine, but I don’t care much for wine and there was no beer.  I ended up not drinking last night.  Kim got pretty giddy and silly which was amusing.  It also made her quite amorous. 
• I had a lot of “performance anxiety” last night, but things went fine.  And yes, I used a condom even though Kim is on birth control.  You can never be too careful.
• I ordered a new extremely fast quad core processor for my computer late last night.  It will be my first FedEx delivery in years.  I am so excited and can’t wait for that truck to pull up in front of my house.  I paid extra for overnight shipping so it will be here Monday.  It will certainly breathe new life into my computer. 
• It is 3am and I don’t have to be at work until 5am.  I am up way too early and can’t sleep.  I am still  in this dreamlike state from last night.  It was the first time in three years and called for celebration and contemplation.
• I mowed two lawns yesterday for $40 dollars.  I also ordered business cards online for my yard care business and they are being shipped to me.  Should be here next week.
• I came home from my paying gig and reluctantly mowed my own lawn and Joyce’s.  Luckily, our yards are small and it didn’t take too long.  I will weed eat today sometime. 
• A storm blew up overhead as I was over at Kim’s house last night just as she was putting the finishing touches on dinner.  I grew so excited and kept going out the backdoor to check on the weather.  Kim doesn’t get my love for the weather although she likes the sound of thunder and rain, and says it is romantic.
• I just don’t get the appeal of Facebook.  I’ve tried many times.  I have two accounts.  One is a fake female account so I can read what the Homeless Guy is doing.  I knew he would approve a female friend over a strange male.  Kevin’s Facebook persona is entirely boring compared to the wonderfully interesting things he used to write on his blog.  He has turned into this boring armchair activist.  His children reading him on Facebook has effectively neutered him per se.  He rarely talks about homelessness these days which was his true calling.
• Twitter is growing out of favor for me as well.  I like boring stuff on Twitter like what you are doing or what your day is like.  People are falling over themselves to seem overly interesting on that social media.  It bores me and aggravates me – the endless links and snarky witty tweets.  Life just isn’t as interesting as these people are tweeting about. 
• Interesting Fact:  Kim is almost exactly ten years younger than me give a few days or three.  We were both born in April. She was born in 1982.
• The “disaster in the Gulf” has effectively ruined The Weather Channel and my favorite radio program.  It is all they talk about and they obsess about it.  I am only interested in the weather in my backyard as far as The Weather Channel is concerned.  I don’t care about weather that doesn’t affect me at all.  Yawn. 
• I put my six diet cokes in the freezer last night to get cold and went to bed forgetting about them.  They all burst and it was a mess to clean up a few minutes ago. 
• My cable company has a channel called WeatherNow.  It is my new favorite TV channel.  They basically show the radar while playing NOAA weather radio.  It is like The Weather Channel’s local on the eights on steroids.  I love it!
• Kim has three tattoos.  A butterfly on her shoulder.  An intricate henna looking design around her wrist.  And a tattoo that only someone intimately involved with her would know about.
• Maggie is sitting out on the back deck in the moderately cool air.  She loves to do this when I get up early leaving the bed.  Occasionally, I will hear her bark at things that go bump in the night. 
• Dad was fretting last night that Social Security is going to send him tons of paperwork to fill out now that I’ve returned to work.  He was scolding me about it.  I told him if he could fly hundreds of miles to see my brother and take them all to New York City, then he could fill out some paperwork for me.  It pissed him off. lol
• It is now 4am and I better go get a shower, eat some breakfast, and head to work.  The early bird gets the worm as they say!  I wonder what interesting happened on third shift tonight.

Delicious!

Playing Second Fiddle…

I was on Fire…

One of the guys in the third shift grocery department was regaling me in tales of various customers early this morning on one of my in store wandering breaks.

“We have this one old lady that comes in at 6am once a week for milk,” he said. “She will go through every gallon until she finds the milk with the longest expiration date often taking 30 minutes to do so.  I call her the milk maid like in that Kevin Smith movie Clerks.”

I smiled.  I could imagine a steadfast little lady studiously going through all the milk to find the best expiration offering.  Just one of those idiosyncrasies you deal with in retail. 

“The produce handlers are the worst,” he said as he began to smile and laugh.  “They will handle and punch the fruit trying to find the ripest ones.  They end up bruising and ruining a lot of our produce.”

Work was very busy when I arrived at five AM.  I clocked in and sleepily began to gather all the haphazardly scattered carts into long strings to be pushed inside by the mechanical pusher.  It was so nice and cool this morning belying the heat I would often experience around ten in the morning as the sun got higher in the sky on my previous shift.

It took me two hours to get caught up and daylight was just showing over the horizon to the east.  I headed back to the electronics department to hang out until my supervisor arrived at work.  Kim wouldn’t be into work until eight.  I was missing her.  I spent my time looking at the big screen LCD televisions daydreaming about one day purchasing one of the monstrosities on display. If I can ever justify spending $1500 dollars on a TV.  That’s a lot of carts to push and yards to mow. 

My supervisor finally arrived at eight and I was eager to share with her about how the morning went.  She was in a very good mood – very chipper.  

“Cart’s were everywhere when I arrived,” I told her. “It took me two hours to get caught up.”

“How did you like your first early morning?” she asked after thanking me for my hard work.

“I love it!” I replied excitedly. “I am a morning person anyway.  I like the wee hours of the morning the best.”

“I knew I could trust you to do a good job for me,” she told me.

I beamed with pride. I always like it when she brags on me.  It makes me feel like a million dollars. 

Kim had also arrived at eight.  I quickly left my supervisor eating some sausage biscuits from McDonald’s and headed back to her department.

“Hey gorgeous,” I said as I walked up to her counter.

She looked so pretty today.  Dressed in a blue shirt which showed ample cleavage and beige pants.  Those myriad of rings around her fingers as usual.  Her chubby little Drew Barrymore smile was on her face as always.  Kim is always smiling.  She also had on a beautiful necklace from which a blue butterfly was dangling – butterflies being her favorite thing just like the tattoo of one on her shoulder.  I could smell her subdued perfume from across the counter.

“You and me. Tonight,” she said with a sly grin.

“What are we going to do?” I asked, smiling back, looking demure.

“I have something naughty in mind,” she told me lustfully.  

My heart fluttered in my chest for a moment there. 

“Your house or mine?” I asked.

“My house,” she said. “I am cooking you dinner and then we are going to have some wine and then…”

“Then?”

“I am going to show you what a real woman can do for her man,” Kim told me grinning vigorously.

Kim’s coworker was standing nearby and jokingly told us to go get a private room.  We both laughed. “You two are making me sick at my stomach! You’re are so sappy!” she said.

“I better get back to work,” I told her,  having wasted enough time. “What time tonight?”

“Come over about six,” Kim said. “I will call you when I get off and get dinner started.”

I said goodbye and went back out to finish catching up on the carts before I got off from work.  It took four long strings of carts to push before I had the parking lot empty of carts and ready for Quinton to start his shift.  I gladly clocked out and drove home with a smile thinking tonight might just be the big night Kim and I finally do the old horizontal tango.  I think we are both ready and have waited long enough.  The recent cessation of that medication that was causing my sexual dysfunction was already leaving my system and I felt a longing for Kim like I haven’t felt in years.  I was on fire!

Well, I must get busy mowing lawns.  Two of my regular customers have already called yesterday saying they need their lawns mowed – the petite black lady and her older morbidly obese sister.  I also need to mow my own lawn as well  and will do that afterwards. Business comes first, though.  It is going to be so nice pulling my mower in it’s trailer with my car instead of riding over there to their houses on it many blocks away.  Things certainly are looking up these days.  

Juicy Ribeye Time…

Waffling…

I still haven’t put in my notice at Wal-Mart.  I have a new job hours opportunity and I so don’t want to let my supervisor down, and she has been so extremely nice to me.  She has a hard time finding people to work my position because of the hours and the pay which are perfect for me.  She has also bent over backwards to be accommodating as far as my disability is concerned letting me take lots of breaks everyday as long as the job gets done. Another pro is the job is so easy.  It gets hot, but I don’t have to deal with customers only rarely.  Kim has also been vehemently begging me to stay at Wal-Mart – enjoying us being able to see each other every day at work. 

I am supposed to bring my driver’s license by today at Kroger to start the hiring process.  They will also drug test me today.  I am thinking of calling the manager and telling him I already have a job that fits me well and that I appreciated his time. 

I know I sound so wishy-washy, but it is such an important decision.  This decision could change my life drastically in an instant.  I am coming to the conclusion that I better stick with what’s familiar and what works – Wal-Mart.  I hope you all don’t grow aggravated with me and my waffling.  I really, honestly don’t know what to do, but my gut feeling is to stay at Wal-Mart after some contemplation over the past two days. 

New Hours at Work…

My supervisor asked me this morning if I would work five to nine in the mornings and we would move Quinton up to nine to five. Five to nine is a busy time as you have to get caught up from the unsupervised overnight hours and it is the busy early morning grocery crowd.  The carts really pile up overnight and in the early mornings.  She doesn’t come in to work until seven or eight and she felt I could handle this new shift unsupervised putting a lot of trust in me.  I grew excited and said yes immediately!  I get up at five every morning like clockwork anyway so getting up at four won’t be a problem.  We are going to hire someone new to work four hours five to nine in the evenings my supervisor thinks.  The overnight hours don’t have a cart person because it can be slow but steady and they usually just let a male associate just bring in some carts if they need them.  

Fighting the Good Fight…

This morning will be the first day in many years that my medications aren’t forced upon me.  I called dad last night and explained to him what was going on – that I had a new doctor and that I am getting my prescriptions filled elsewhere.  He didn’t really know what to say, but he told me I was on my own now – that I couldn’t come running to him when I got in a mental illness mess as he surmised would happen.  I said fine.  I just want some autonomy.

“It is going to come at a high cost,” he said. “You are so mentally ill that you can’t think straight or think rationally for yourself.”

I told him I loved him deeply and that I was very sorry for all of this.  I had to do it though.  I was dying emotionally and mentally for years.  I have self esteem for the first time in ages.  So many good things are happening in my life that it is too late to turn back now.  I’ve tasted some success and freedom, and it is intoxicating.

I found myself just exhausted this morning.  Emotionally spent after last night.  It has been a busy past few weeks both mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I am going to work my four hours this morning hoping work is slow and come home and rest.  I am not mowing lawns this afternoon and will save them for the weekend.  Today is going to be a “me” day.  Money can wait.  My only real pressing goal is to get up some business cards for my yard care business.  I hope work has a kit were I can print these out with my printer at home. 

Adventures in Psychiatry and the End of the Forced Medication Ritual…

I had most of the morning off from work to go see my new psychiatrist.  I only worked two short hours coming in very early to get the carts caught up from overnight and I was on my way to Auburn.  She has a busy practice and I had to wait in the brightly colored and sunny waiting room for quite awhile to be seen.  I spent my time reading old Southern Living magazines.  I noticed all the plants in the waiting room needed watering, but I resisted the urge to tell the receptionist not wanting to be a busybody. 

“Andrew? You can come on back now,” the receptionist finally said.

I sighed with relief.  The most unpleasant part of psychiatry is the incessant waiting around to see the doctor as is just about the case with any doctor these days.

My new doctor was reviewing my medical records as I took a seat in her office.  The huge and deep, richly hued wood desk stood out in my mind.  A clock was ticking softly on the wall and the room smelled of peppermint which was comforting.  It was a much more quiet and pleasantly peaceful environment than my old doctor’s office which was always loud with thin walls.  

“It says here you are schizoaffective?” she asked with a smile looking over her very fashionable and svelte glasses.

“That’s what my old doctor thought, but I don’t think so,” I told her. “I don’t have any of the classic symptoms of those disorders.  I am not bipolar and I am not schizophrenic.”

“Describe for me your symptoms,” she said.

“I have extreme anxiety especially late in the afternoons.  Afternoons are always the hardest on me I think because I get tired.  I also have extreme anxiety in social situations.  Social anxiety has been a problem for me ever since I was a child.  The anxiety attacks I have can border on excruciating – incapacitating me for hours.  I think I have Asperger’s syndrome, social anxiety, and generalized anxiety disorder.”

“You are on a lot of medications – medications that can conflict with each other,” she told me looking dismayed.

“My father would tell my doctor a symptom I was having, what he thought I needed medication wise, and my doctor would prescribe it.  My father is a pharmacist and very pro medication – almost  maniacal about it,” I told her wincing as I said it.

My new doctor frowned deeply as I told her this.   

We continued on about my symptoms for a good thirty minutes in this initial visit.  She greatly simplified my medications putting me on 3mg Risperdal on top of my injection in the mornings halving my regular dosage (we are going to titrate this down to zero due to withdrawal problems over time as we both believe I don’t need an anti-psychotic),  Paxil for the social anxiety, and kept me on my Klonopin reducing the Klonopin from four .5mg pills to two 1mg pills a day.  This reduced the pills I was taking from eleven down to four. 

“The sexual dysfunction was due to the anti-depressant you were taking. It’s a common problem with Celexa,” she told me before I got up to leave.  “It will take about a week for you to feel sexually normal again.”

I thanked her profusely for her help and left the room to get my next appointment in two weeks.  I am really going to like this new doctor.  She is not a pill pusher – thinking more pills = better.   My father is going to shit a brick though.  This is the end of the forced morning medication ritual and the end of my every two week injection of Risperdal which was a method of social control for my father – his psychiatric mental illness insurance.  My new doctor firmly believes in therapy, though, and I got an appointment to start seeing a therapist which the receptionist set up for me.

I drove up from Auburn and got my prescriptions filled at my uncle’s pharmacy.  He wasn’t at work today, but my aunt, who works with him, was glad to see me.  She was kind of surprised that I was getting my prescriptions filled with them instead of my father, though.  I told her it was complicated and hard to explain.  Luckily, the cost of my medications was completely covered by Medicare much to my relief.  I didn’t even have to pay a co-pay because I am on so much assistance as my father calls it. 

I am very pleased at how this visit turned out.  This needed to be done for years, but I was too afraid to take the initiative and buck the status quo.  I think it is an inalienable right to have control of your own healthcare – a basic human right that shouldn’t be infringed upon.  My only concerns are withdrawal symptoms from the cessation of my bipolar and antidepressant medications.  My doctor said I might feel out of sorts for a few days until these medications are out of my system.  I am hoping for the best!

S-E-X…

I was sitting down in the park late last evening drinking my two sunset brews and talking to Kim on the phone.  We were talking about how long someone should wait before sleeping together for the first time after starting dating.

“I slept with Rachel within days of us meeting,” I told her. “You know how that ended.  Divorce.  We moved way too fast.  Before I knew it I was married.”

“I slept with Bill on our first date,” Kim told me of her ex-husband.

“We seem to be moving at a much slower pace,” I replied, relieved.  I wasn’t quite sure I was ready for the big commitment yet.

“The other night in your car was so hard, though,” she told me. “I wanted you to come inside and for us to make love.”

“There will be plenty of time for that,” I replied. “Let’s get to know each other better.  I want you to be my best friend first and foremost.  I already consider you my best friend besides George.”

I had successfully changed the subject with the mention of George.  I was growing uncomfortable with all this talk of sex and making love – my insecurities showing themselves. 

“How did you and George meet?” Kim then asked.

“Oh, I thought George was crazy when we first met,” I replied laughing. “I would walk down to the Piggly Wiggly everyday to buy my beer and George would ask for one from me.  He kept talking about me being in the Navy as a special ops and telling the gang down at the Piggly Wiggly of all the ‘sand niggas’ I killed in the Iraq war.”

Kim laughed. “You certainly don’t seem like the military type.  I should know with Bill.”

“He also thought he knew Rachel and would tell me he was going to call her and get us back together.  That would always make me shudder in horror.  The last thing I wanted was to be hen pecked once again by that woman.”

“What was Rachel like?” Kim then asked.

“She was a librarian and a bookworm.  She read voraciously.  We had probably a dozen bookcases of books she had read in our home.  I would occasionally have to go to Wal-Mart to buy more bookcases and put them together.   She was a rotund woman who had a weakness for starch and pasta.  She loved Kraft macaroni and cheese.  My most prominent memory of her was every night she would read for hours late in the night while I slept.  I learned to sleep with a light on. I still often sleep with my bedside light on to this day.”

“I want to see you right now,” Kim then told me sounding lustful changing the subject once again.

“I’m kind of indisposed at the moment,” I told her. “I am down in the park near central elementary on my bike drinking my sunset brews.”

“I’ll come pick you up and we’ll put your bike in the rear of my car. You can finish your beer at my house.”

I waited a while until I saw Kim’s familiar red Mitsubishi Eclipse pull up by the park and pull into a parking space.  I pushed my bike over to the car after donning my backpack and putting away my radio which was sitting on the cement where I sat.

“Get in handsome,” she said with a sly grin as she popped the rear hatch.

The evening ended up with us drinking some wine and ending up in bed holding each other in a passionate embrace, but we didn’t have sex.   Things got very hot and heated, but I managed to hold off for one more night.  Although, it is growing harder with every passing moment.  We fell asleep for a few hours and then I woke Kim and got her to drive me home.  She sleepily and passionately kissed me in the car and told me goodnight.  I walked inside feeling like a million dollars.  It has been so long since I felt so in love and connected with someone.  As I have said before, I am quite smitten with the woman.

Nightly Guard Duty…

It was a Pabst Blue Ribbon Day…

I was out washing my Benefactor’s driveway.  He was standing out in the yard talking to me as he drank another beer.  It was making me nervous.  I wasn’t much up for small talk today.  Ah, the rigors of working a job.

“Don’t you need to get in out of this heat?” I asked him concerned.

His face was bright beet red.  He looked like a heart attack about to happen at any moment.  Just then my phone rang in my pocket. 

“Hello?” I asked answering the phone as I turned off the power washer.

“What are you doing?” Kim asked.

“I am trying to get up some money to take you out to the movies this weekend,” I replied.

She laughed telling me what a gentleman I was.

“All that work for me?” she asked.

“Well, I have my moments,” I told her. “I need to get back to work.  I will call you tonight.”

I hung up the phone when my Benefactor asked who that was nosily.  I told him it was my new girlfriend.

“For God’s sake! Don’t get married!” he replied vehemently.

I burst out laughing.  For some reason, it struck me as so funny the way he drunkenly exclaimed that.  It was as if I was dealing with the bubonic plague or something.

I finished up my work and my Benefactor paid me my $25 dollars.  It was a easy job although I would have much preferred to do it in quiet silence only to the drone of the power washer.  You win some and you lose some was what I thought as I got in my car and drove home.  I smiled again at my Benefactor’s warnings of marriage as I drove.  He’s a good guy all in all, but a little too ambitious in his drinking habits.  It doesn’t make him a bad person.  Just another one of those fringe dwellers that seem to somehow fill my life. 

The Hardest Part…

I arrived at Kroger at 1:45pm.  My interview was at 2:00pm.

“I am here to see the manager for a job interview,” I told the courtesy clerk.

It took me a good ten minutes to get up the courage to step up to the counter and say that.  I came so close to just walking out and driving home.

“Go sit in the pharmacy department and he will be right with you,” she said with a smile as she called him over the store’s intercom.

I took a seat on a very comfortable couch in the waiting area by the pharmacy.  I was a nervous wreck.  My hands were shaking violently and I was trying to steady them.  Sweat was forming on my brow.  I had taken one Klonopin an hour earlier to steady my nerves.  It wasn’t doing such a good job.  I should’ve taken two, but was worried it would make me groggy or sleepy. 

“Hi!” I heard as a man stepped up to where I was sitting. “Are you Andrew?”

“Yes,” I replied, smiling, standing up quickly as we shook hands vigorously.

“Step into my office for the interview,” he told me, showing me the way.

The manager’s demeanor quickly put me at ease.  He was a good hearted, down to earth kind of guy.  Kind of a heavyset fellow with business attire and a tie.  His jet black hair was combed neatly and parted to the left.  He looked much, much younger than the man’s voice I had heard on the phone yesterday.  He didn’t look much older than me.  

“You live around here?” he asked trying to set me at ease.

“I live just a few blocks over from here,” I replied enthusiastically. 

“Well, transportation shouldn’t be a problem for you,” he said with a kind laugh.  “I live down in Auburn by the way. Grew up there, born and raised.”

“No. It won’t. Transportation won’t be a problem,” I replied, laughing in turn.  “I plan to walk to work everyday.”

“I see you applied online this weekend for the grocery clerk job,” he told me studying my application. “You will be bagging groceries and handling the shopping carts.  Handling the carts is the hardest part of the job. Can you push 50 pounds at a time?”

I smiled and shook my head yes in acknowledgement.  I was very familiar with shopping carts.  I could handle that I thought. 

“It says on your application that you haven’t really worked much since 2002 and are on disability.  Is that correct?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Do you feel like you can work with your disability?” he asked.

“Oh yes.  Definitely,” I replied. “I feel I am at the point in my life where I eventually would like to be self supporting and to get off disability over time.”

“Well, I am going to give you a shot and see how you do,” he told me reassuringly. “You will be working 20 hours a week at minimum wage ($580 a month).  The other baggers that have seniority will work the busy afternoon shift.  You will be working early mornings and late evenings when we need you.”

“Thank you,” I said, falling all over myself in happiness and relief as I stood up and shook his hand again. “Thank you for giving me a chance.  I really wanted this job.  This was the job I wanted the most out of all the ones I applied for.  I am a hard worker and won’t let you down.”

“I think you’ll do fine,” he said with a smile. “We will work with you about your disability.”

The next step is a drug test and a criminal background check which won’t be a problem.  It will take about a week before I start this new job so that will give me a chance to give my supervisor at Wal-Mart some ample notice so she can start the hiring process again.  I am very excited and scared at the same time.  Change is good, but can be hard on an old curmudgeon like me.  I will have to learn a whole new work environment and job, and every job is so different.

As I was walking out the store so relieved to have that under my belt, I noticed a chubby mongoloid man bagging groceries and that set me at ease about people having disabilities working there.  I noticed on his name tag that he was named Marshall.  Surely, if a guy with Down’s syndrome can do my job, then certainly I can as well despite my limitations. 

Well, I am off to go power wash a driveway for $25 dollars.  My Benefactor is expecting me any time now.  I called him and told him I would be a little late having a busy day today.  He was slurring his words when I called so it must be another Pabst Blue Ribbon day. lol

Things are Afoot…

Well, I got a call this afternoon from the manager of our local Kroger grocery store.  He wants me to come in tomorrow afternoon for a job interview.  The big pro about this job is that it’s less money which may sound odd to you, but it is pro as far as my disability is concerned.  Another big pro about the job is that Kroger is within easy walking distance from my house.  I like that very much – being able just to walk to work and save that wear and tear on my car.  I will be bagging groceries and handling the carts as I do at Wal-Mart.  It will also be a much busier job keeping me busy throughout the mornings I will be working.  If the interview goes well, then I will take the job.  It will also be a job with opportunities for advancement that I just didn’t have at Wal-Mart.  This was also the job I originally wanted when I started applying for jobs several weeks ago.

I am going to be a nervous wreck, though.  I haven’t been on a job interview in 12 years since I worked for the University.  I am going to have to convince dad into letting me hold off on taking my two morning Klonopin till later in the day.  He is just going to have to trust me.  I need all the helpful medications I can get for this. 

Tomorrow afternoon is also my injection of Risperdal just before my interview.  It is going to be a busy day.  Kim asked me tonight if something was wrong as I was driving her home from Mrs. Florene’s house.  She said I seemed so distracted and aloof.  I bluntly told her it was time for my medication for my disability.  I felt really out of sorts this afternoon.  I have taken that medication for so many years at such high dosages my body has become acclimated to it and I can really tell when it runs out.  My heart will beat furiously in my chest.  I just hope my medications have time to take effect before my job interview tomorrow afternoon.  It will be another four Klonopin day for sure.  I will be taking them all close together as well.  I hope it doesn’t make me too groggy.

Well, what do you think?  Am I a fool for taking this new job?  Or should I just be content with the status quo?  I am into taking risks these days and the worst thing that can happen is that I will just have to quit if it proves too much.  I am in the enviable position of already having two other incomes with my disability and my yard care business.  I hope I won’t get too much negative feedback about this, but I am interested in what you have to say.   I’ve got some really astute people reading the blog that don’t usually steer me wrong. 

The Car Culture…

Riding my bike to work is just not going to work.  It was a hectic and scary ride down busy highway 29 as cars honked at me and people hollered out their windows for me to get off the “fucking” road.  I realized we live in a car culture with little respect given to bicycle riders.  I felt like the biggest schmuck in the whole world causing traffic problems as I peddled furiously to work this morning.  I also was a sweaty mess by the time I arrived at work and my exertions had overridden my deodorant.  I smelt strongly of underarm odor all morning and was extremely self conscious.  It didn’t help my anxiety any.  It is back to the car culture for me as well tomorrow morning.  I will just have to ride for exercise late in the afternoons when it is cooler.  I can ride down to the park every evening for my sunset brew ritual. 

I ran by Florene’s house after work.  She wrote me a check for the magazines I had ordered George.  I thanked her profusely as they were very expensive.  She was just overjoyed I could do that for him.  George doesn’t read books and magazines seemed like the best recourse as far as giving him something to read on a regular basis.  Mrs. Florene is also cooking me my favorite meal tonight.  I asked her if Kim could come.

“Who’s this Kim you speak of?” she asked me excitedly knowing something interesting was up.

“She’s my new girlfriend,” I told her proudly.

Mrs. Florene just had a fit, fawning over me, and said she would also make her fantastic pineapple upside down cake for dessert in celebration.  I thanked her for her efforts and told her we would be there at seven sharp.  I had gambled and asked Kim at work if she wanted to come thinking Florene wouldn’t mind.  She always cooks for an army anyway. 

I left Mrs. Florene’s house and had a trailer ball installed on my car out on the interstate.  I was surprised at how economical the trailer place was.  I was expecting to spend a lot more money to get that done.  I then drove to the man’s house with the trailer I had found on Craig’s list.  It was perfect for my needs if not older.  I paid him cash and pulled the trailer home.  This will greatly expand my yard care operations in the afternoon.  I will be able to pull my mower to neighborhood’s far flung across our little town.   The trailer even had fittings for my weed eater to be secured as I drove.  It was very nice and I was very excited to get it at a steal.  The man just wanted to dump it for some quick cash.

I have been waffling what to do about work.  It has been so slow lately.  I arrived home and still didn’t have any calls from all those applications I filled out this weekend.  My work history is frankly shitty which is mostly likely the cause.  I have decided just to stick it out with Wal-Mart and concentrate on my yard care business – building it up over many months.  I am just going to be determined and be a hustler and bustler about that.  I also don’t want to start my nine month trial work period.  It is precious really – being able to draw a full wage while still drawing disability.  That is something that should be saved for an emergency. 

Well, I am off to power wash my Benefactor’s vinyl siding.  He rented a power washer this weekend.  He also told me he wants me to power wash his driveway and walks tomorrow as well.  I love this steady work he gives me.  It is much easier anxiety wise for him to call me, than for me to have to get out and knock on doors to drum up work.  I will also have to get busy this week mowing my regular customer’s lawns I mowed two weeks ago.  We’ve got lots of rain and the grass has really grown in that time.  I will write again tonight about my day!