You're Such a Pecker...

I awoke very abruptly to what sounded like something was drilling on the side of the house -- a very loud staccato noise that was reminiscent of a machine gun. I've been noticing carpenter bees hanging around the eaves of my house. I looked up from this computer and there was a red-headed woodpecker hanging off the side of the house -- mystery solved. I hope they are not doing any damage. I am guessing that they are eating the carpenter bee larva.

Barbara's Words of Wisdom

I have a much needed therapy session at noon today. I need to get in the shower and get the proverbial ball rolling or I am going  to be late. I also dread what I consider a long drive to Auburn.

I have a lot I want to talk about this afternoon and I want to hear Barbara's' spin on things. I want to talk about my father's and my relationship. The man just makes me a total nervous wreck. I can feel the tension and anxiety building as soon as he pulls up in front of my house. I shouldn't let something like that bother me so and especially with it being my father.

Treated Myself to Lunch...

I left my therapist in good spirits this afternoon. I stopped at Red Lobster and ate a mighty fine plate of fried shrimp.

One of my favorite things about Red Lobster is the cheddar bay biscuits and a cold salad amply drizzled with blue cheese dressing. Oh, now ya talkin'.

Barbara and I worked on finding things that trigger my anxiety and how to avoid them in the first place.

"I just can't ignore my family," I told my therapist crestfallen, "And they are a major source of my anxiety."

A Boon Called Breakfast...

Yes, breakfast is the most important meal of the day around here. This morning I only cooked cheese toast, but it was delicious in all its simplicity. I have to be careful with Maggie's portion and let it cool sufficiently before giving it to her. Dad remarked last night the I was going to constipate that dog with all the cheese I feed her. I just smiled broadly with a chuckle.

Video Games have been my modus operandi for the week. I am playing three games for the original Sony Playstation at the moment -- Grandia, Lunar: The Silver Star Story, and Chrono Cross. I am sort of enthralled at the moment. It is not often I get in these gaming moods so I have to roll with the punches so to speak. They sure can pass the time during some of the endless days I seem to have to contend with lately.

Today is also the day to see my therapist. I have to be at my therapist's office at 2pm in Auburn. My father offered to tag along, but I told him I couldn't be really free to speak my mind to Barbara with him in the room. I hope Barbara can shed some light on the resurgence of my phone phobias.

Let the Butterflies Begin…

If I don’t overcome my social anxieties, then I am going to end up a lonely old hermit of a man for the rest of my life.  The thought of that scares me. It is a rude awakening to say the least.

Tonight, with my therapist in mind, I straightforwardly asked an old high school friend, Wendy, out for lunch Wednesday.  She agreed and I told her I would pick her up at noon.  We are going to eat at Johnny’s New York Style Pizza in downtown West Point. My treat!  The last time I had their pizza it was exceptionally good.

I already have butterflies in my stomach, and they will only intensify as noon Wednesday approaches.  “Breathe deep, relax, and have fun,” Barbara, my therapist, would tell me.

Photo credit:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdSo4CYudD8

Look Out! It’s Mom on the Road!

“My new car is making a strange noise when I take the key out of the ignition to get out,” mom said on the phone last night worried, afraid to tell my father. “It’s a buzzing sound. It has been doing it all afternoon. I was almost afraid to drive it all day today.”

I was due for work in an hour, but decided to drive over anyway – worried something was bad wrong with mom’s new Civic. Mom had the garage door up and ready for me when I arrived. I immediately knew what the problem was when I pulled up behind mom’s parked car. Her parking lights were on and the buzzing sound was the car telling her she left her lights on when she took her key out.

“Don’t tell your father!” mom pleaded with me. “I feel so stupid! I can’t believe I had left the lights on. I don’t remember turning them on. They must have been on all day!”

Earlier in the day, mom and I took a long drive down through the Valley again as has become our daily custom after my therapy appointment. She came within inches of slamming into a big Dodge Ram truck. It would have been an airbag moment. 

“Holy Shit!” I exclaimed as mom swerved to miss it. “That was so close!”

My heart was just racing a hundred miles an hour after the incident.  Mom’s hands were shaking violently as she gripped the steering wheel. It seems mom is not going to be able to drive much longer – at least not extended visits through the traffic in town. She will be 66 this March. I am going to drive her to Connie’s down in Auburn next week fearing her driving that long drive down the interstate would prove disastrous. Hopefully, she will still be able to drive to her three hair appointments each week with them being just a half mile from home.  But dad and I are going to have to make a more concerted effort at getting her around. This means lots of doctor’s appointments and waiting in lobbies. I could always just drop her off and she could call me on her cellphone when she is ready to come home I guess. I am also going to do all the driving on our daily trips through the Valley from now on.

Getting Into My Mind…

“Today is the first day I have felt anxiety in over a week,” I told my Therapist somewhat proudly yesterday morning during our therapy session.

“What’s the big change today?” she asked as she studiously looked over my anxiety workbook carefully and all my short notations for this week and last.

“The stress of getting all the way down here,” I replied, feeling that was the most likely culprit. “It is a long drive and the traffic was just absolutely crazy coming down the interstate and within Auburn. I wish you were closer. I don’t much care for driving these days.”

“That’s understandable and normal,” she said as she closed my workbook and folded her hands in her lap.

“So, what else is going on with you?” she asked, trying to lead the conversation after a lull.

“Insomnia,” I replied, exasperated. “I am having the most awful and terrible time sleeping. I sleep in spurts for about three hours at a time, then I am up wide awake again. I repeat this throughout the day. I constantly feel tired not getting eight uninterrupted hours of sleep.”

I told her I am still taking my Ambien which makes me feel groggy somewhat, but I fear I have grown chemically resistant to the Klonopin – those pills doing nothing for me as far as rest goes. They used to make me feel so relaxed and comfortable.  I would enjoy lying in the bed as I felt them take effect. Now, I feel nothing when I take my three for the day as I go to bed. We both agreed to talk to my doctor at the end of September at my next appointment. It is common to grow resistant to benzodiazepines she told me.

“How is your new position going?” she then asked very inquisitively and eagerly after I told her about my new job.

“I love it!” I replied very honestly with much enthusiasm. “I love working nights. My job is very stress free. The night’s are so quiet. I have a passion for electronics and enjoy sharing it with my customers – the few I have.”

“Well, that certainly helps to love your job,” my therapist replied with a smile of encouragement. “You have come so far since our first visits. You’re one of my success stories.”

That made me feel so good with her saying that.

I left therapy for my usual custom of breakfast at Hardee’s as I browsed the web wirelessly with my iPad as I sat and ate – those two steak biscuits being a delicious treat. 

iPad Ruminations…

Don’t worry Apple fans, I am still enjoying my iPad as an internet browsing machine and a media server. I also use it a lot to keep up with the weather for which I am obsessed with, but it is no substitute for my laptop as far as computing at work goes. My favorite use for my iPad is to lay in bed and browse – it being so small, light and convenient. I can’t blog with it, though, I have found which is one of my primary computer uses these days. I realize it is just a very expensive toy. This is an observation and not a criticism mind you. It will never replace my desktop or my laptop for most of my daily computer uses since I am a power user as far as computers go.

Free HDTV!

I clocked in tonight and immediately made a purchase of my own. I purchased a digital optical toslink cable for my HDTV after learning last night I could still get my basic HDTV channels without my cable box. I was overjoyed last night when I reprogrammed my HDTV and it picked up many digital channels that the cable company must allow for free by law since they are available over the air with an antenna. I can’t wait to get home to see if I have Dolby digital surround sound with the channels and the digital optical hookup.

Work has been slow other than that. I’ve had a few people browsing cellphones tonight and asking lots of questions about service plans. These plans are commitments and can get expensive. That’s why the phones are so cheap to purchase. The cell companies make all their money on the service plans which subsidizes the cost of all but the most popular and expensive phones.

One man asked me a question that stumped me about his Charter digital cable service. I have Knology at home and have no idea about Charter. I told him to call his cable company when he got home. He wanted to know if his digital cable had Dolby digital surround sound. I told him I doubted it from my own experiences with Knology’s digital cable. Only the HDTV channels had true surround sound. The digital channels would be in stereo, but it would only be Dolby Pro Logic surround – a big difference from Dolby digital which is true 5.1 surround.

Dating and Women…

Jim showed up on his lunch break at three as usual.

“You always make me so hungry with those deli sandwiches,” I told him with a smile as I rung him up. “They look delicious!”

“What’s going on with you tonight?” Jim asked.

“The usual,” I replied. “Stocking items and cleaning and straightening shelves.”

“That’s my job,” Jim told me. “That’s what I do for eight hours every night in the grocery department. I loathe it!”

We didn’t discuss politics or religion tonight much to my relief. We talked about women for a change, and it was a nice change.

“I’ve never been married,” he told me. “But I’ve dated a lot of women.”

I can’t imagine a woman being interested in Jim. To be frank, he is quite frumpy and disheveled looking every night. I guess there is a woman for every man it seems. I smiled at the thought of some of the women Jim might have dated over the years.

My dating life has been put on hold for the time being with me working nights. Stacey is entirely not happy with it either. We do try to get together every night for supper which I prepare, but we don’t get to go out to eat which she so adores. She misses us sleeping nights together as well and our nightly ritual of lying in the bed as we browse the web. I don’t know much what to do about it, but hope for the best. Maybe a position in days will open up in the next few months, but I am not getting my hopes up. I doubt Derrick will be quitting soon. He has worked in electronics for years.

An Email from a Reader…

Hi Jonathon,
I've been a long-time reader but don't comment much.

I wonder if you can give me some advice?  It is computer/web-site related.

Recently my grandson stayed with me for about a month. While here, he found this website:

http://www.letbobwatchthis.org/index.php?sort=featured&page=8

and he watched about 4 scary/zombie type movies on it and a couple new movies that are still in the theaters at this time.  He said he did not download anything, did not join anything....no names exchanged, no passwords required.....but he enjoyed the movies in their entirety, although some of them weren't the best quality. I have excellent virus protection as well as a firewall and it did permit him to go there.  I've scanned my system several times since and I did not pick up any viruses or spyware from the site.

My question is......Can this be legal?  My dad always told me "there is no free lunch" and I am suspicious. Remember all the trouble those people got into from songs on Napster?  My grandson says its "streaming" and since you're not downloading anything and only watching without keeping it, its not illegal.  Is this true?  Do you know?  I'm afraid to go back there.

Thanks for any help you can give me. I love reading your blog.....you are such an inspiration to so many. Do you have any idea how many people look up to you?  God Bless you and yours.

Reader, your dad was right. There is no free lunch and this website is doing this illegally. If it is too good to be true, then it probably is.  Since it is streaming, you are less likely to get sued than the offending website. You just can’t own a copy of the movies in question. 

This brings me to something I have been saying for years – that these media companies have got to start making these movies and music easily available online for purchase to skirt piracy. I quit downloading music illegally when iTunes arrived on the scene. It was convenient and economical. Anytime I wanted an album or song, I could easily go to iTunes and download it. It was easier than searching on Pirate Bay and going through bittorrent to download it for free. That whole piracy process was a hassle and it stopped when I had an easily viable way to get music on the Internet at .99 cents per song.

Internet Explorer 9 Beta Started Yesterday…

The beta for IE9 started yesterday. You can download it at Microsoft’s homepage. So far, I like it. It is a much quicker and more responsive browser than IE8 or IE7. Hopefully, Microsoft will be as adept at updating as Mozilla is about Firefox. I tried to like Firefox, but found the download manager entirely not to my liking. 

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done…

…was quitting smoking.  It has been a few weeks now smoke free and already my lungs are clearer, food tastes exponentially better and I can breathe out of my nose for the first time in years.  It hasn’t been an easy row to hoe, though, with Stacey still smoking.  I realize from smelling her clothes after she comes in from my porch to smoke how much you stink – the odor just wafts through the whole room.  I don’t want to become one of those bitter anti-smoking Nazis I always abhorred during my smoking days, though.  Live and let live will be my mantra. 

One of the most notable differences is with work.  I no longer completely obsess over my next cigarette break – able to do a much better job.  I took entirely too many smoke breaks at work much to my non-smoking supervisor’s chagrin.  My addiction would force me to play fast and loose with our congenial relationship – her often letting me get away with far too much with regards to my many breaks to imbibe.  I now feel some peace after a few weeks of abstaining and can safely say, now, that I have quit smoking.  Now, to get that musty cigarette odor out of my home!  Can you say Febreeze and Glade Plug-Ins?

Shying Away From the Family Topic…

Driving to Auburn for a visit to the psychiatrist or therapy is always a good excuse to get my favorite breakfast.  I got my two steak biscuits, hashrounds and a diet Coke and sat in the restaurant eating as I used their Wi-Fi this morning with my iPad.  It was an enjoyable experience following on the heels of a very productive therapy session.

I shied away from talking about family today to focus on goals for the future and implementing them.  I needed guidance and encouragement that I am not taking on too much, too fast.

“Where would you like to see yourself next year this time?” my therapist asked.

“I would like to be completely independent, owning the current house I live in,” I replied. “I would also like to be fully self supporting with my new business.”

“Lofty goals,” my therapist replied with a smile. “But easily achievable.”

I then showed her my anxiety workbook – us discussing methods for dealing with my anxiety.  I am officially diagnosed now not as Schizoaffective, but as suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and social anxiety – just another list of disorders in the very long list of disorders I’ve had over the years.

“You have said before that you are very candid with your boss about your disability,” my therapist said. “Discuss with her ways that can ease your anxiety at work.  What causes the most anxiety for you when you are working?”

“The unknown mainly,” I replied. “I never know when I will be asked by a customer out of the blue for help causing me social anxiety.  I never know if it is going to be a very busy day or one of my more ploddingly slow days.  I want everyday to be the same with little excitement or diversion.”

“I think we can all feel that way, though, about our jobs,” my therapist told me. “Work is stressful.  You are performing a service for a wage.  Most people have a lot of anxiety and misgivings about work.  I think that is perfectly normal and not mental illness related.”

I felt better for our hour talk.  It has been money well spent I have decided.  I am going to try and stick to this therapy thing and maybe in a few weeks start to open up more freely about my family and it’s extreme dysfunction. 

The Call on the Drive Home from Auburn…

“What you doing?” Stacey asked me as I drove up the interstate back to the Chattahoochee Valley.

“Oh, I am listening to Joni Mitchell’s Misses CD, just passing the Cusseta exit on the interstate and thinking about you and last night,” I replied.

“Next time take two Ambien so you will sleep the whole night with me,” she asked pleadingly. “I missed you after you left.  I want to wake up in the morning’s with you next to me.”

I laughed at the thought of taking two Ambien.  Surely, that would put me in a stupor to be remembered.  I am finding a relationship with a woman to be a very careful game of give and take.

“I don’t think that would be very wise,” I replied. “I have already grown addicted to taking those pills to sleep.”

Stacey couldn’t talk long being at work, but we did both agree that last night’s experience was better than nothing – that my being over at her house with her is very important to her life.  I said goodbye after we discussed dinner plans at my house – me coming home to defrost mom’s tangy chicken. For a woman supposedly with bipolar disorder, she is one of the more even keeled women I have dated.  For that, I am grateful and enjoy spending my life with her. 

Home at Last!

“Where are you going?” Stacey asked as I crawled out of her bed at 3am getting dressed.

I normally get up close to this time anyway so it was only natural for me to start my day.  Stacey very audibly sighed.

“You need better hours at work,” she said, frustrated. “Our schedules just don’t jibe.”

I was badly missing my pups and the comfort of my own home – feeling like this alien visitor in Stacey’s house.  Despite taking two Klonopin and an Ambien, I lay awake for a long time last night after supper – listening to the sounds of the fall crickets outside the window and Sadie’s obsessive preening at the foot of the bed. Stacey stayed up late watching her favorite television show as I went on to bed around eight near my normal time.

“I’ll see you this afternoon,” I told her, kissing her goodbye.

I arrived home and immediately settled into my more normal routines after stopping by mom and dad’s to get my six diet Sprite for the morning. 

Stacey’s supper was really good, though.  She surprised me.  She cooked an extremely creamy, rich and decadent poppy seed chicken casserole. I went back for seconds which pleased her to no end. 

We also had an extremely candid conversation after supper about her bipolar disorder.  I don’t believe she is bipolar.  She exhibits none of the classic signs like my mother did when my siblings and I were growing up.  She doesn’t have manic phases which are so characteristic of the disease.  She also doesn’t exhibit signs of depression either.

“Maybe I am slow cycling,” Stacey replied as if she wished she was bipolar to explain her sometimes interesting behavior.

I can remember being so oddly overjoyed at being diagnosed Schizophrenic as I had a solid excuse for my own often abhorrent and odd social behavior. 

“Charlie says we are all crazy in our own way,” I replied in her defense, trying to assuage her worries. “I like to think of the two of us as being eccentric – like the mad scientists of old.”

Stacey smiled and held my hand. 

I honestly think too many people are misdiagnosed these days with there being no medical tests for these disorders of the brain.  You must keep in mind that I am entirely cynical when it comes to psychiatry as well these days.  Fearing that more harm is often done than good.  My own observations and experiences prove this.  Once bitten, twice shy as the old saying goes.  These one size fits all disorders just do not sit well with me for some reason.

Thoughts for Therapy…

I’ve been thinking this early morning what to talk to my therapist about.  I am sure my father will be a prominent topic of interest, but I mainly want to talk about goals for the future and implementing these goals.   For the first time in years, I feel happy and content, but there is this strong inclination to want more and achieve higher heights in my recovery.  I can be such an impatient individual and want results now.   I tend to live in the present and it has often been one of my Achilles’ heels over the years.  That’s why I never did good in school – always living in the present and never thinking of the future.  My mind couldn’t grasp that hard work today would equate to an A at the end of the semester.  Luckily, I was smart enough to always get by.  I don’t think I ever brought a book home during high school – choosing to stuff them into my locker for the next day.  As I have grown older, this inclination has been tempered some – the hard realities of adulthood and life forcing me to focus more on the future and goals. 

I was thinking this morning of what my therapist told me to do during our last visit about my disability and dad’s obsessive control over that money.  She said I should call county mental health and have a unbiased third party as my representative payee.  I reluctantly called for an appointment, but there was a backlog of patient intake and my appointment would be three months away. I plan to be off disability in May so it wouldn’t be much longer after I started receiving services that I would be out of the system.  I would also have to forego my current and beloved psychiatrist to start receiving mental health services from the county funded psychiatrist.  Something about that made me shy away in horror – the thoughts of an overworked and underpaid doctor came to mind – disheveled from the strain of his caseload.  I will just be content with the current and stable status quo – letting sleeping dogs lie.  I really don’t need that disability money anymore anyway.  And that is so freeing – to cast away a shackle that has kept me oppressed for years.  Disability is a vicious cycle once your in the system.   I was lucky I had a wealthy family who could afford to keep me in a house and car thus affording me more independence than your average disability recipient.  My living expenses were heavily subsidized by my father.  You could never afford to live independently on the meager allotment disability affords you unless you lived in the most poverty stricken circumstances.  

Dental Woes…

“The left side of your face is swollen,” mom said as we drove down through the Valley yesterday afternoon.

I looked in the rear view mirror and sure enough, I looked like a lopsided chipmunk.  I have been feeling extreme fatigue the past two days and realized I have an abscessed molar which is causing this feeling.  My body is fighting a strong infection.  Lucky and I seem to be in the same boat these days.

“I’ll get you a dentist’s appointment,” mom said excitedly, always eager to add more appointments to my healthcare calendar.

“No way!” I said in horror – my strong distaste of visiting the dentist overriding any pain and discomfort I am feeling. “I have a whole bottle of amoxicillin at home and will take it to see if that helps.”

Mom sighed, always aggravated at my aversion to professional healthcare.  I tried to explain to her the common truth that men are just not as likely to visit a doctor as women are.  Mom usually has enough appointments lined up to be her health insurance’s worst case nightmare.

“Should I talk about you during Therapy tomorrow?” I then asked mom as we drove by Fairfax elementary school at the end of our journey down through the Valley. “I would like for you to be more assertive and gain more control of your life, and I worry about you.”

Mom laughed nervously.

“Your father says I have a nice life being able not to work, have nice cars, and sleep all the time,” Mom replied. “He says I don’t lack for anything.”

“But are you happy with all that?” I asked hoping for the reply I surmised I would get.

“No,” mom replied. “I am miserable. I get so lonely and just lie in the bed for hours everyday. Your father is never home and Helen gets on my nerves she is such a busybody. Your father says he would love not to have anything to do and that I should be grateful.”

I laughed with a smirk.

“Dad is going to go nuts when he retires and sells the pharmacy,” I told mom. “He won’t know what to do with himself after being a workaholic for thirty years.”

“You think so?” mom asked.

“I know so,” I replied. “He will probably constantly travel or find something work like to fill his time.”

I love my mother dearly and hate to see her in the predicament she is in – much the same predicament I experienced for years.  How do you change another person’s life for them – to encourage them to fight for their freedom and independence?  I guess you can’t.  I don’t think things will ever change for the better for my mother.  She is just too codependent on my father.  I know that sounds so maudlin, but it is the sad and honest truth.