Who’s Up For a Pizza Party?

“What do you want for your supper tonight, Chuck?” my father asked over the phone this evening.

“Is it okay if a get Little Caesar's pizza tonight?” I replied and asked. “I am getting tired of chicken pot pies.”

“Sure,” dad said. “Do you want to get an extra pizza for Maggie?”

“That would be nice,” I replied kind of astonished, knowing I would be eating most of it probably for breakfast.

“Charlie and I are heading out about 7:45 so we will probably see you around 8:30 depending on how backed up KFC’s drive-thru is. Horsefly has to have his chicken fingers. That’s the whole reason we do this.”

A Rough and Tumble Day…

My arch-nemesis mental illness was acting up today. That’s just how the ball bounces sometimes. I woke up with a buzzy and fuzzy feeling in my head and it went downhill from there. Paranoia has been today’s theme. I couldn’t get it together enough to even shower and shave today. I’ve spent most of today sitting in front of a computer listening to music which soothes and calms me.

A Mighty Fine Day to Be Alive…

For the past few days, I couldn’t put a finger on why I felt so out of sorts. Miserable would be another word to describe my predicament. I realize now my injection ran out a few days early. Well, my medications have started to be released into my bloodstream and I feel a hundred percent better. I feel peace in my mind. What a modern miracle these atypical antipsychotics are. In the old days, they would put me in a sanitarium and give me electro-shock therapy.

Happy Days Are Here Again!

My father and my brother fly out to St. Louis in the morning. Papa was very excited by that little adventure. They are going to see the Auburn vs. Mizzou game. Dad asked me if I wanted to go earlier in the week and I declined. That just wouldn't be my idea of fun -- all that travel only to see Auburn get beat.

Do you know what this means? I will be living on easy street as Charlie will be taking care of me for the duration of the weekend.

Charlie called me a moment ago after dad had left to find out what I wanted for supper tomorrow night. He knows that I love Arby's and laughed when I told him I wanted several roast beef sandwiches and some of those spicy, crispy, onion-infused curly fries.

Living Life in the Danger Zone...

I've had such a wonderful day mental illness wise. My mind was clear and my senses were sharp and acute. My injection was really doing its job after a short nap this afternoon. This a dangerous time in the lives of many schizophrenics as they think they are cured and no longer need to take medications. I am labeled as "notoriously noncompliant" with regards to that by my doctor.

This Day Just Gets Better and Better...

"Matt got your computer parts ordered," my father told me as we completed the medication ritual. "You have such rich tastes in computer parts. The total was $290 dollars."

This is me today!!!! LOL

It's Okay. It's Alright. Cause There is Beauty in the Breakdown...

Maybe I shouldn't write about this.

This is probably schizoaffective related (paranoia) but that last call was the second call to my father in an hour. He didn't answer the phone on either call. I might be paranoid, but I believe my father is playing cat and mouse with me and avoiding my phone calls. He never parts from his cellphone. He also knows I will ask for my medications early which I will. I woke up in a mental fog and the mental illness doldrums. It is not that bad, but I would feel 10 times better with my meds in my belly. It is a long stretch until 9 PM tonight.

Walk Towards the Light...

"Come over here and get your medications," my father said urgently and sympathetically over the phone. "I was out working in the yard and missed your calls. For god's sake, let's not get mired in the emergency room."

By this time, I was sobbing as the symptoms had escalated.

"Get you a drink out of the fridge and I have your medications in my hand," my father said when I arrived. "I should've driven to you but I wasn't thinking on my feet. I would never want you to suffer like that."

I gulped the myriad of psychiatric medications down with a swig of ice cold diet Coke. I know it is psychosomatic but I immediately felt better in my father's presence and after taking my medications. It is scary, you know? Not having control of your mental faculties.

Home Bound...

Traffic was very light as I drove home which was appreciated. I immediately put my six diet Cokes in the freezer upon entering my house. I wanted them cold pronto. They are such a pleasure. Maggie was in tune to that something was wrong. She got on the couch with me and pleaded for me to scratch her neck and belly which I obliged. Maggie's needs are much more simple than mine.

The phone then loudly and abruptly rang...

"Are you okay?" my father asked with a frantic sound to his voice. "Sirens are blasting down the street. I should have come to your house with your medications."

"I am fine!" I assured my father. "Maggie and I are safe and sound."

We Spoke Our Fears to the Captain (Johnny Otis)...

Wow! What a topsy-turvy day!  My mental illness has brought me from the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I took a Coreg a few hours ago and that seemed to bring me back to an even keel. It is commonly prescribed for high blood pressure but works wonders for anxiety as well. It helps relieve the tension and blood vessel constriction in your cardiovascular system. In essence, relaxing your whole body in turn as a very big benefit.

Dad was scheduled to bring my medications tonight around 9 pm. I called him an hour ago and said I am going to need them early tonight. He was very accommodating which led to a big sigh of relief on my part. I didn't want to have to squabble over to get them now or later.

"What about Maggie?" my father asked. "She'll miss my visit."

"I am just going to have to be careful and not say, Papa or daddy," I replied.

Mental illness is like a fickle wind sometimes -- blowing one direction to the next willy nilly. I wake up every morning not knowing where life and schizophrenia are going to take me. Thankfully, most days are pretty good in these later years of my recovery.  Sometimes you just bowl a gutter ball as Horsefly will very often say.

Kind Parents Last Night...

Boy, I've had a time with my mental illness lately.  I was having problems with my anxiety attacks last night.  I called mom for a little comfort and dad got on the phone as well.  They were watching a rerun of Foyle's War on Netflix TV.

"You would think my medications would stop this," I forlornly told my father.

But I had taken them hours and hours beforehand my father reminded me and they had certainly begun to wear off.

"Do you want me to come over and take you to get one of your favorite drinks at the Circle K?" dad asked last night about 11 pm. "It might help to get your head out of the house."

The thought of all that sugar and caffeine swayed me from doing that.

"I'm fine," I told him. "Maggie and I just need to get in the bed."

It was cold and damp and I didn't want my father to get out in all that bad weather.  Just the mere offer was a comfort to me, though.  There was a time in my life where I would be accused of causing this anxiety from some indiscretion I had committed.  Times have certainly changed.

"Come over here and sleep on the couch," my mother then said. "I know how terrible those panic attacks can be."

I thanked mom and said I would pass.  Maggie and I got in the bed around midnight and were soon fast asleep.  I didn't wake up till 3 pm, though, the next day. I guess my body was trying to tell me something.

image credit:  http://missiontosave.com/circle-k-great-lakes-polar-pop-cup-instagram-contest-25-gift-card-giveaway/

Let's Go Looking Throughout Andrew's Past...

I feel so good tonight.  This is two nights in a row without withdrawal from my crazy meds.  I am happy and I am very content.  Most of the evening was spent building another computer with spare parts I had lying around my computer room. We are going to be a four computer household.

Historically, this is a very dangerous situation to be in as far as I am concerned.  I will think I am mental illness free -- that it is conquered just like the common cold.  In brash bravado, I will quit taking my medications and get ill again. I have been notoriously noncompliant about my crazy meds over the years due to this reason. That's is one of the major reasons my father stops by here every night to administer my medications.  He says I am like Jekyll and Hyde when I quit taking my meds. It is a vicious cycle fraught with many Catch-22s.

image credit:  http://gunsandgarbage.com/buttons/

Greetings From A Busy Secretary…

Mom pulled up in front of my house in a hurry this evening and blew her horn loudly and twice.  I headed out to the car at the curb wondering what she was doing.  I had forgotten it was Mexican Thursdays.

“Your daddy says I need to slow down some,” my mother told me after rolling down her window.

“Well, you are pretty hyper,” I replied. “We’re worried you will fall or have an accident in your car.”

She will also drive my father crazy with worries, obsessions, and problems as soon as he pulls into the garage.  Normally, she is always quietly reading a book in the den when my father gets off of work. 

“I got you the steak fajitas tonight,” mom said gleefully. “I know that’s your favorite.” 

“Well, thank you,” I said very appreciatively.  

Usually, I get the $6.99 #9 ground beef burrito and refried beans.  Mom was feeling pretty generous tonight.  My father would call this grandiosity.  Me? Hey, I am just rolling with the punches for the moment praying that mom cycles to a more even tone of mind. 

Photo Credit:   http://www.novyranches.com/recipes/?p=193

Attention, My Mother Has Left the Building…

Mom cycles mentally, but she cycles much more gradually than I.  I have extreme swings when she will gradually crescendo to a high and then slowly decrescendo to a low which puts her in the bed for a few weeks. 

Right now, she is worried about and obsessing over my arm and the very painful arthritis I am experiencing in my shoulder. Mom can accomplish great things when she gets like this, but she can also get things in a tangled mess of doctor’s appointments, medications and rehabilitation.

“Do you want to go see Dr. Martin and get a different kind of pain medication?”  Mom, the secretary, asked me tonight over the phone.

Dad was sitting on my couch when I told my mother I couldn’t take all those pain medications. They trigger my addictions.  Dad frowned and looked very sour at our exchange.

“Your mother is on a high,” he told me with another grimace. “I’ve seen it coming.”

Mom has also been over at my house today three times, when sometimes I can go a few weeks and her not come over at all.  The first visit was to bring me some Naproxen Sodium.  The second visit was to bring me some Tums antacid, and the third was a plate of baked pork chops my father had cooked the night before.

Photo Credit:   http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/the-bible-does-not-speak-to-that