Fringe Dwellers…

There was a very slight and shifty looking fellow frantically panhandling in the parking lot this morning.  I watched with interest as many customers turned him away.  “There has got to be an easier, softer way to make money,” was what I thought. “Less demeaning”  I was gathering some carts when he stopped to talk to me.

“Are they going to run me off?” he asked, worried, seeing my Wal-Mart smock realizing I was an employee.

“The security guy will eventually,” I replied, warning him.

“Have you got five bucks I could have?” he pleaded. “I am trying to get up the money for a new battery for my car.  I am stuck in the McDonald’s parking lot up the road.”

I pulled out my wallet and gave the man five bucks even though I knew the line about the battery was a farce.  I’ve heard that very same line before.  I wished him the best as he scurried into the store to do what I assume was to buy some beer.  I realize most people who panhandle have addictions, but I felt it wasn’t my decision to decide if this man could have a drink or not. Too many times in my adult life I have been told by my father what I can and can’t do so I had some empathy for the fellow.  I actually wanted him to be able to enjoy a few beers.  I know that will be wildly unpopular, but that’s how I felt at the time this morning.   Better to give him the money than for him to shoplift or steal to get the beer was what I thought. 

I find these kinds of people fascinating.  They are not the safety conscious milquetoast middle America that live boring lives.  I call these people fringe dwellers just like George and the gang were – living on the fringes of society.  That’s why I am so keen to become part of the “social club” that hangs out down at the convenience store drinking wine, smoking, and chatting every night.  These people live colorful and vibrant lives that is also good fodder for the blog as far as tales go.  I like to call it research as far as the journal is concerned.  I want to chronicle these people’s lives in words for prosperity and interest.  My experiences with them will also enrich my life I hope as I explore other lives, race relations, etc.  And maybe I will learn a few lessons about life along the way as well.  Like the adrenaline junkie who jumps out of airplanes to skydive, I find myself wanting to take chances and be aggressive with my life for a change.   Far too long, I’ve sat at home scared of the world outside my front door – scared that my mental illness would flare and I would get in a mess.  Better to flare than miss out on life as I have for years I have learned. 

Friendships Forming…

I find now that I am out of the house and working that I am meeting so many new people.  There are so many social avenues opening up for me which a few weeks ago would make me shy away in social horror.  Our Wal-Mart is a very, very big place full of customers and employees – lots of people talking and interacting.  I had hopes with my ventures in Alcoholics Anonymous that I would have similar experiences, but I did not.  Alcoholics are strange creatures – often loners.  I found that you would have to attend meetings for months to be accepted into the club – as if to prove you are no longer drinking and are safe to befriend.  So many people come and go out of those meeting halls it can be dizzying to form relationships in my experiences with the program.

Derrick and I have become great friends over the past two weeks.  We both share a keen interest in all things electronic.  I look forward to our daily chats about iPhones and LCD televisions to Blu-Ray players.  All things I love and am keenly interested in.

Today, the ever androgynous Derrick asked me if I had seen Toy Story 3.

“I’ve never seen any of those movies,” I replied. “I found it hard to sit through a full length movie for years due to my stir craziness.”

“Oh, you would love them,” he said. “They’re not just for kids.  Let’s rent 1 and 2 this weekend, grab a few beers, and watch them on my big screen television.”

“I would enjoy that,” I replied.

It felt so good to have a friend – to do what “normal” people do.  To get together and watch movies.  To talk of shared interests with a passion.  I think my returning to work has been the best thing to happen to me in years.  Who would have thought I would now have an average normal guy for a friend and a possible girlfriend?  It is so exciting and invigorating! I would have never thought I could be social, but by facing my social anxieties, I am finding it easier every day. 

The Agenda for the Afternoon…

I have decided not to buy that scooter much to my own chagrin.  I just can’t justify spending $750 dollars on a motorized vehicle when I have a perfectly good and even more extremely economical mountain bike to travel to and from work with.  It is about three miles to work and I think I can easily peddle that far if I leave on time every morning.  The catch?  Getting my years unused mountain bike back in service.  It needs new tubes for the tires and I am hoping work will have them.  I bought the bike at Wally World years ago with a savings bond that my then living grandmother gave me.  So getting my bike back in action is part of the agenda for the day.

My benefactor has run out of things for me to do until he rents a power washer for me to wash his vinyl siding.  I think I will hit the neighborhood once again “networking” to try and drum up some more regular customers for my yard care business.  You will find me slowly toodling around the neighborhood this afternoon on my now quiet riding lawn mower.  There were so many houses I tried last week where no one was seemingly at home.  I will try them again today. 

The Night Owl…

I went to bed at 9pm and awoke at 1am refreshed on just four hours of sleep. Maggie was curled up next to me sound asleep snoring softly and sighing in her sleep. Occasionally jerking from her dreams – her eyes moving wildly under her eyelids.  She looked so comfortable next to my arm curled up in a tight ball.  She must’ve been cold and couldn’t get under the comforter with me hogging it. I had it pulled tightly over me as I had turned the air down really low last night in one of my rare arctic moments.  I hated to wake her, but I was on a late night, early morning mission.  I immediately jumped up wide awake out of the bed to Maggie’s great chagrin, throwing on clothes, and excited to drive over to get my six diet Cokes for the day. And then to hurry home to start writing a blog post after my Cokes got ice cold in the freezer. Routines, ya know?  I take such satisfaction out of doing this routine.  My early morning bliss.  

Mom puts the Cokes out on the porch before she goes to bed around 11pm so I knew they would be out there by now.  Maggie heard me put on my shoes and the jingle of my keys as I put them in my pocket and went tearing outside barking up a storm to pave the way for my trip.  She does this every early morning without fail.  She is my supreme protector as always.  Dad was still up with every light on in his house when I pulled up in the driveway. I almost knocked on the door to see what he was doing, but I was on a mission that couldn’t be delayed.  I don’t know if he realized I stopped by or not.  He had been down at the pharmacy doing his usual quiet Sunday night of bookkeeping and bill paying. He has done this for as long as I can remember from 9pm to midnight every Sunday night. Charlie usually accompanies him and does the accounting end of the business. That was Charlie’s major in college which he fought so hard to obtain.  Charlie joined the military and was stationed in Thailand to pay for college on the GI bill.  He said he ate nothing but bananas the whole time he was there the food was so gross. Charlie is a very, very picky eater.     

1am is a cool, awesome time for me.  1am means Coast to Coast AM is on live until 5am. I am enamored with this show as you probably already know.  Tonight they are talking about autism.  George Knapp is hosting and he can be abrupt and brusque sometimes with the guests making things lively.  It should be an interesting show, but anti medical establishment as usual which can grow tiresome at times, though.  Everything can’t always be a conspiracy as is often the case on these shows.  I can already guess the issue of mercury in vaccines causing autism is going to be the highlight of discussion tonight. They can be very predictable.  George Noory, the usual weekly host, harped for months about the dangers of the H1N1 flu vaccine saying it was deadly.  His ignorance astounded me.  There were wild theories thrown about that the vaccine would be used to genetically manipulate us. lol  I guess I am going to turn into a mutant now since I got the vaccine many months ago.  I will believe my brother and sister, both accomplished doctors who say it is perfectly safe, over a radio talk show host who touts a spice, turmeric, as a cancer cure.

I know I am saying it a lot these days, but I feel really, really well lately and it is so damn nice. It bears repeating for the wonderful thing it is.  I felt so ill for so long.  For weeks, I felt like something drug out of a dank swamp – rising from the primordial ooze to another hell filled mentally ill day.  It is hard to sleep because you are frightened you will wake up back in hell land again.  I don’t ever want this feeling to end. I feel as if I am in a dream and I don’t want to wake up.  I always feel my best in the wee hours of the morning when my medications are still fresh in my body.  I am trying so hard to stay up as late as I can tonight so I will sleep all day tomorrow.  Around lunch to 7pm is always my hardest time with my schizophrenia and the anxiety.  I can only guess my medication levels drop and I grow tired both mentally and physically as the day grows long.. 

I got a wild hair up my butt and moved my computer desk from my computer room into the den.  It was a spur of the moment thing.  It looks cluttered and ungainly and dad is going to complain, but I like it so far.  I like the convenience of it.  I like being able to keep up with Twitter as I watch TV since my new laptop died a few weeks ago. It took a good thirty to forty five minutes to hook everything up and get back on the Internet. Now, my command center is complete.  Everything is at my fingertips. The HDTV.  The home theater.  My computer.  I don’t ever have to leave my den again!!! lol   I am writing this from the comfort of my Lazy Boy in the den with my keyboard in my lap.

For weeks, dad has been promising he is going to order the part I need to get my camera working again.  I am getting extremely frustrated which is unlike me as I am usually very laid back.  I called him last Monday to remind him and he assured me he would get Tricia to order it.  It still hasn’t arrived.  I don’t understand dad’s obfuscation about this.  Does he think it is going to cost a lot of money?   I want to get ugly and exclaim that he can drive to Alex City and take my sister furniture then why can’t he just order a $16 dollar computer part for me?  If I had money, I would just drive down to Best Buy in Auburn and easily purchase the part.  I have missed my camera so much.  I feel like I have lost a friend. Maggie has missed being captioned as well. hehe

Dad still believes I don’t need to be attending all the AA meetings I go to.  He feels it is too much pressure on me socially and mentally.  “You just can’t do all that,” he will tell me.  “It is just too much pressure on you to drive all that way and sit through all those meetings.”  It shocks me when he will say this.  I don’t understand this and it is just completely, absolutely strange.  He told the same thing to my psychiatrist as well to my psychiatrist’s raised eyebrows.  He thinks he alone can control my drinking through the lack of money and watching me constantly.  He says he can see signs when I am about to drink or abuse Benadryl.  It is a fool’s errand in my opinion.  I think AA is about the only way I am going to be able to garner a viable social life successfully these days.  I love the camaraderie and the way everyone sticks together and supports each other.  It is probably the only way I am going to be able to stay successfully sober for any length of time as well.  I still have some misgivings about the religious overtones of the program, but my brother’s wise words echo in my mind when I  have doubts.  “You’ve got to believe in something,” he told me. “Why not God?  It wouldn’t or couldn’t hurt.”    

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

Double Cheeseburger Time…

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“Mom?” I asked a moment ago. “Can I come and get my Cokes early?”

I was mainly bored and wanted something to do – a reason to get out and drive the car.

“Sure sweetheart,” she replied gleefully. “I will have them ready for you.”

I arrived at mom and dad’s to find them both sitting in the den and reading books.  Mom was reading a book on Orville and Wilbur Wright and dad was reading a book on Jackie Kennedy.  The cover of the book said, “The Queen of America.”

“Johnny, go buy me a double cheeseburger,” mom said.

Dad looked up and grunted.

“One of those McDonald’s apple pies would be good as well.”

Dad grunted again, closed his book, and got up to go get supper.  I rode with him.  I just got a large fry and a small chocolate shake.  I wasn’t that hungry.  Dad and I talked mainly about AA.  He is so intrigued an institution has evolved around helping alcoholics.  And that it is free for the most part.

“Your mother spent thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy for years for her issues to no avail,” dad said. “And you go to a free program and seem like a different person these days.  It baffles me.”

I call AA personality reprogramming.  You learn to live a new life and learn to live all over again.  They teach you right and wrong for a group of people that has historically had trouble with relationships and morals. 

We arrived home and mom hungrily tore into her double cheeseburger.

“Martha, your ass is getting as wide as a double wide trailer,” dad said as we sat at the kitchen table. “You really don’t need double cheeseburgers.”

I expected a blow up.  Mom just laughed and said, “It is getting rather large.”  I laughed nervously and dad smiled.

“Used to, I would have told your mother something like that and it would have been world war three,” dad told me. “She would have divorced me.  The Zyprexa is working.”

I marveled as I drove home how interesting my parents usually are.  They always have something going on.  There is never a dull moment in their household. 

A Really Mentally Interesting Moment…

I had a really mentally interesting moment late this afternoon.  I realized it had been over 24 hours since I last took my medications -- one of the drawbacks of dad coming so early to give me my medications on Saturday.  I was sitting in the den listening to my weather radio when I felt like I was having an out of body experience.  It was very scary.  I felt as if I didn’t have control of my faculties and the room was spinning.  I dragged myself to the bed and lay down.  I got cold, but was too afraid to get up to turn up the air.  I also had to pee like a racehorse. Then, I got to feeling like I couldn’t swallow or breathe.  I thought the moment would never pass.   I had heard those nagging auditory hallucinations all day and should have seen it as a warning sign.   Dad gave me my medications tonight and the auditory ticks went away in an hour.

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

Pizza Time!

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Mom’s been with me all day.  Dad has been working in the yard.  We ordered pizza tonight and it about drove Maggie crazy to get some.  The smell that wafted through the house was wonderful.

I cut my grass today and had a mini anxiety attack.  I felt dizzy as I put the finishing touches on the front yard.  I turned off the mower and sat on the steps.  My heart was beating something furiously.  It took a good thirty minutes to recover and I put the mower in the basement and called it a day.  I will finish tomorrow.

“Hallelujah!” dad said as he walked through my yard to bring my medications. “I love it when you cut your grass.  It looks so good. You are the only house on the block with a neat yard.”

Dad was in a good mood.  He asked me all about my 6pm AA meeting.  Today we discussed sponsorship – the bane of my existence in AA.

“I’ll be your sponsor,” dad said jokingly. “My first order to you is not to drink.”

I smiled and laughed.  Dad would be the sponsor from hell. 

Tonight, I called mom to get my cokes early.  I just needed some comfort.  She gleefully told me to come and get them which surprised me.  I have been less obsessive about the Cokes lately and I think mom has realized this.  They don’t think I am no longer out to get a buzz from the caffeine. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Attitude of Gratitude…

I had a really good day yesterday mentally and for that I am thankful.  I never know what the fickle winds of mental illness will bring me everyday.  I try not to dwell too much about it on the blog.  I want this a positive place to come to.  I am also very thankful for mom last night.  She came over here lonesome and wanted me to go with her to Sonic to get some banana splits.  They were delicious and we had the best talk in the car as we ate.  I talked her into trying a cherry limeade and it is her new favorite drink. 

Phone Phobias Arise…

Mrs. Florene called me last night.  She had an argument with her sister and needed to vent.  It was over some property that needs to be sold which was her mother’s.  Mrs. Florene must have talked an hour as I just lay on the bed and listened.  The Gods were looking out for me though.  My cordless phone began to die. “What’s that beeping?” Mrs. Florene asked.  I quickly got off the phone and sighed in relief.  Aren’t I terrible?  She’s such a good friend – almost like family and I shouldn’t feel that way.  I just hate talking on the phone.  It makes me anxious. 

Feet Dragging AA Time…

I went to the noon AA meeting yesterday.  I have so much trouble sitting through a whole meeting though.  At one point, I got up under the guise I was using the bathroom and sat outside the old church smoking.  It was your standard share meeting and lots of people had lots of interesting things to say, but my attention span is shot to hell these days.  I think it has to do with the copious amount of medications I am on these days.  I was so glad when the meeting was over and I could drive home.  Dad is absolutely amazed I am still going to these meetings despite my social anxieties.  He asks me every night how they went and what we discussed.

A Dollar a Day Keeps the AA Naysayers Away…

As mom and I sat eating our banana splits last night in the car, she asked me what was the most socially anxious part of going to AA for me.  She so wants me to keep going.  She says she can tell such a difference in me lately. 

“Passing that donation basket on without putting a dollar in as everyone in the room watches,” was my reply.

“Do they take checks?” mom asked. “I will write a check for thirty dollars for the month for you to put in the basket.”

“I’ve never seen it done,” I replied. “I don’t know how they will handle that.”

“I am just going to start putting a dollar in with your cokes every morning,” mom said. “Don’t dare tell your father and don’t dare save up the money to buy beer.”

I smiled and got excited.  This would solve one of the biggest obstacles I have to going to AA these days – that socially anxious moment when moneyless me passes on the basket.   Mom sure is putting a lot of trust in me.  This is a good sign and I MUST handle it responsibly.  This morning was the first time I held a dollar bill in months.

It is Always Something…

I’ve noticed my home theater just was not sounding right.  The low frequency effects channel was acting all wonky ergo my subwoofer was acting up.  I turned down the volume and began to investigate.   I turned my huge subwoofer on it’s side and there is a big hole in the speaker. “Damnit!” I exclaimed in frustration.  I paid $300 for that subwoofer alone.  Now I have to go through the convoluted process of getting a new subwoofer.  I will have to get one of “The Girls” at the pharmacy to order me one and sweet talk dad into spending the money.  This is not going to be easy and I don’t relish the thought or the process.  I am a determined son of bitch though and will get it.  I just have to be nagging and diligent.  I can’t have a good home theater without a proper subwoofer. 

Is Christmas Coming Early?

I wish it was.  I’ve been extremely excited about the new Apple iPad.  I have scoured the web reading reviews and checking prices.  Dad asked me last night what I thought I would like for Christmas next year and i told him an iPad.  He asked what it cost and I told him $500 dollars.  He scoffed and said that would put me right at the limit of what I am allowed to spend every year.   “What are you going to do with it?” he asked.  I mainly would love to sit in my den and read blogs without the hassle of my laptop.  It would be so convenient. It is also just so damn cool as well. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Attitude of Gratitude…

I have a lot to be thankful for this morning.  I have food and it is a day before grocery day.  Maggie has taken to snuggling up in my arms every night.  This is a new turn of events and thrills me.  I sleep so much better with her so close to me.  I’ve gotten my six diet Pepsi this morning and am savoring them.  There is a chance my contacts will arrive today and for that I am excited.  I am hoping I will see extremely well with them.  Tonight is Mexican Tuesdays and I am getting the Burrito Supreme plate which will be a treat.  I thought this morning as I drove to my parent’s how reliable and what a good car I have.  It has held up well over the years.  You can’t beat a Honda.  Yes, I have much to be thankful for.

Midnight AA…

I attended an online midnight AA meeting last night.  I tend to like this meeting very much.  We talked about progressing and not obsessing over perfection.  I tend to be an all or nothing fellow and am having to learn moderation.  I can’t be perfect with the program.  I will never have a sponsor unless it is by email or chatting online.   I am learning that that is okay and I don’t have to work a perfect program – that the things laid out in AA are just guidelines and not laws.  I am also completely amazed I have stuck with AA so long this time with all the religious aspects of the program.  I tend to be agnostic and a complete skeptic.  I am learning every day.  I pray a lot – praying for God’s will and the courage and strength to carry that out.  That is so novel for me to do. 

I love you Mom…

Mom called me last night worried.

“Don’t hesitate to ask your father for extra gas for your AA meetings in LaGrange,” she said. “We have both noticed such a huge difference in you since you have been going everyday.”

“I wish I could just go in town,” I replied. “But I strongly dislike the people who attend those meetings.  There is this strong hierarchy in those meetings that I just don’t like.”

“I wish your father would let you use the pharmacy’s account to get gas,” mom said. “He worries you will not handle it responsibly.”

“We still have a long way to go, don’t we?” I asked mom.

“He will begin to trust you over time,” my mother told me. “I already trust you a hundred percent more than I did a month ago.”

My mother saying that just warmed my heart.  I have to remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day – that I am putting brick by brick into a foundation of trust with my parents.  I must stay sober and I must continue to go to AA.  That is one of my biggest goals in life right now to win back my father’s trust and to improve our relationship.  I love the man so very, very dearly and want him to feel the same about me.  

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

An Adventurous Soul…

The 8pm AA meeting in LaGrange is just too late for me.  I tried my hardest to go tonight.  Charlie had been by earlier with my medications and I was feeling mentally well this late in the evening for a change.  But I got so sleepy during the meeting as each person droned on and on about various alcoholic issues.  I kept looking at my watch and when it got half past the hour I grabbed my bottle of cold water and left – sneaking out the back door under the guise that I had gone to the bathroom.  Normally, with my social anxieties, getting up during an active meeting in a room full of people would have sent my anxiety skyrocketing, but I was too tired to care.

The Sole Oncologist…

My sister took the job as the sole oncologist at a local town hospital recently.  She signed the contract a few months ago.  She is thinking it was a bad decision now as being the only oncologist on call gives her little to no time off.  She has two young children and is having to rely heavily on third party childcare to take care of them.  I don’t envy her of that situation. 

My Magdalena…

It has rained for most of the day and the Magdalena has gotten some quality sleeping time.  She has played musical chairs with the bed in the computer room and my bedroom.  I noticed as the sun rose, she got in the back bedroom which was very dark, and as the day progressed, she gravitated towards the front bedroom which had also grown dark.  She was so sleepy and slow today that it was contagious and I took a total of three naps today totaling for around 3 hours of sleep.  I hope I sleep tonight. 

A Season of Excess…

The past few days I’ve had my thermostat set on 82 and feel totally comfortable.  That should save some money these summer months.  The air conditioner just kicked on when the temperature rose to 83.  I have to admit, it felt good to feel that cold air blowing on me as I sat in the den near the vent though.  I am trying to justify spending an extra $43 dollars a month on frivolous digital TV. 

Who’s Money is it?

I was thinking a moment ago how my social security money has become dad’s.  I have little to no say in how it is spent.  This doesn’t bother me too much because I don’t lack for much, but it made me wonder when that changed.  I think it was when dad legally got power of attorney over me and took over all my financial affairs. 

We’re a little obsessive compulsive…

Mom called me a moment ago for the first time today.  She was excited that dad just left to go to Merl’s diner to pick up some fried shrimp plates for supper.

“Do you think you can still make it to your eye doctor’s appointment?” she asked after the usual pleasantries.

“I made it to AA today so I should be able to make it to the doctor,” I replied, tired of this question, but I stayed nice and congenial.  I understand my mother all too well.  She has asked me that literally 20 times in the past two days.

“Oh, that’s a good sign,” she said excitedly. “I believe you can make it.”

“What do you think gets us mentally off?” she then asked.

“We try to do too much and we get tired,” I replied. “You and I had something social to do everyday since my birthday.  We just get off.  We need to live quiet lives.  You need to calm down as well.  You’ve been trying to do too much.”

Mom agreed with me and hung up the phone after saying goodbye. We really can’t take a lot going on.  It always harkens back to my longing to work, but I don’t know how I would ever make it through an eight hour work day filled with all that social interaction.  Maybe, if I only worked or volunteered and hour or two a day.  I guess that’s why I go to AA.  One hour a day is enough for right now.  I can build on that foundation. 

I Probably Did the Wrong Thing, But…

This morning, I went to the 10am AA meeting -- the “church” meeting held in Lagrange.  We talked about making amends and promptly admitting when we were wrong – that it was so key to staying sober.   A few weeks ago, when I was drinking, I stole a nice gold watch out of my father’s BMW.  I was going to sell it for more beer and Benadryl.  Dad hasn’t missed it, but when I sobered up, I felt terrible.  I called dad a moment ago and told him about it.  I told him I would give it back tonight.

“Did I just do the wrong thing?” I asked my father. “I fear I caused more harm than good to our relationship by telling you.  You haven’t missed it and probably would have never known for months.”

My father can be kind of clueless about his material possessions and is prone to lose things. 

“No,” he replied excitedly. “It is a sign to me that you are doing better.  That watch was a cherished gift from your sister and I would like to have it back.”

I don’t want to be the proverbial AA bull in the china shop, but I wanted to make amends to my father.  I feel guilty, now, because I did it to make myself feel better (I felt so terribly guilty) and not the main goal of giving dad his watch back.  Did I just do the wrong thing?  I fear so.  I probably ruined dad’s day.

Praying for God’s Will and the Strength to Carry That Out…

Just attended on online AA meeting, and that was the topic of discussion.  I pray for that everyday now – the strength to carry out God’s will.  I have come to the conclusion that I only need a few certain things to feel mentally well and to stay sober, and I believe they are God’s will…

1. 4 small sensible meals a day with a snack before bed.  No refined sugar and sugar rushes.  I have to be so careful about my bulimia. The 25 Snickers bars are going to mom along with a Edwards key lime pie. I also have 3 packages of cookies that are going to mom as well. These are all foods that make me want to binge.  Nutrition and keeping those four meals down is so key to me staying healthy mentally and physically.  
2. No caffeine.  I have decided that was one of the main culprits of my recent anxiety attacks.  I am going to start foregoing my daily six sodas.  I have drank a lot of coffee and sodas lately and it has upset the balance.  The caffeine gets my heart racing and the racing devolves into anxiety attacks.
3. Take my medications everyday on a set schedule.  Dad pretty much brings my medications at 9:30pm to 10pm every night.  The only deviation is Saturdays when dad gets off at 2pm and gives me my medications at 3pm on his way home from work. I really wish dad would come by and give me my medications before work.  My medications wear off during the day from the previous night and most afternoons find me feeling mentally interesting.  I am really dragging my feet when bedtime rolls around and can’t wait to go to sleep to escape it.
4. No extra pills or medications unless under the most dire of emergencies as prescribed by my doctor.  This is one of the biggest dangers against my sobriety and I have to be so careful.  I can feign mental illness and eventually get extra pills to save up and take all at once.  It is my natural inclination to do this being an addictive sort of fellow.  I just can’t do this and jeopardize my sobriety. 

The AA Clubhouse in Town…

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A Voice for Katie…

Katie wrote the comment about AA and sponsorship in which I criticized so fiercely.  I never let her respond.  Here is her place to respond.  Katie, if you are still reading, post your replies here and all will be published.  I am sorry and hope I didn’t offend you too much.  You do have a voice on this blog and I appreciate your readership and your opinions.  Andrew

The Proverbial Bull in the AA China Shop…

This kind of shit just drives my social anxieties crazy! I abhor this kind of crap on my blog and hesitated to even respond.

It seems to me, from what you've said, that you want to try it the AA way this time because every other way has left you in complete and utter misery and you've gone "back out".

So, it would seem that you should want to take the suggestions from AA. The suggestions that have worked for millions of other people.

And, it also seems like you post a lot of these ridiculous statements to either get a rise out of people or to have them co-sign your bullshit that a sponsor would never put up with. Sure, you can get by without a sponsor and without taking suggestions, but then why would you only want to "get by"?

This all seems like a lot of attention-seeking behavior. I suppose if that's what you wanted, that's what you've got now. Along with a lot of bad advise. The great thing about AA is that no one will give you advise, they will share what their experience has done for them. That's the beauty of being connected and working a program of recovery with a sponsor. =)

-Katie

This comment exemplifies the kind of person I abhor in AA.  I’ve seen it a lot over the years. The stodgy over opinionated old timer that thinks it’s their way or no way.  It makes me not want to go to AA.  The program should be simple -- not hard and mean spirited as this comment came across to me.   It happens often in the AA meetings I attend in town with Philip the all knowing AA patriarch there and his cadre of grouchy old stodgy men.  That’s why I like to go to Lagrange for my meetings mostly when I can afford the gas.

As far as attention seeking, I am searching for answers and asking questions.  My posts on AA are intended to explore my issues I have with the program.  It is my blog after all – a place all about me and my life.  I am sharing my experience with others which is so important to the program of AA.  I have severe social anxieties – severe enough where it is often hard for me to go out of my home.  I am much, much less likely to attend AA with people like you confronting me about such things in such an overly abrupt way.   People like you and Phillip and his cadre make me want to say to hell with it all – let’s all get a drink because the program and the people involved suck.   

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

A Very Busy Day…

Breakfast this morning was awesome.  Mrs. Florene cooked scrambled eggs, sausage, cheese grits, and biscuits.  I ate two plates despite my trepidations with my bulimia.  I especially enjoyed Mrs. Florene’s creamy and rich grits.  She cooked them to perfection.

“Baby?” Mrs. Florene asked me after our meal. “Will you take me to the grocery store?”

I sat in the car and smoked while Mrs. Florene shopped at the Piggly Wiggly.  She said I reminded her of George doing the same thing.

Noon found me sitting in an AA meeting in Lagrange.  Nothing notable happened except I shared.  It was a once in a blue moon occurrence for me.  I talked about wanting my parents to trust me more now that I am sober and going to AA.

“Your parents will trust you more with sobriety and time,” a very nice lady spoke up and told me after the meeting.

I can be so impatient, though.  I want change, NOW!  I want mom and dad to see that I am trying so very hard and I want them to embrace the change in me.

Mom brought my groceries around 3pm and she forgot the batteries for my camera.  Off to Wal-Mart we went to get some things.  Mom and dad needed a new toaster.   Mom has been eating Poptarts for breakfast instead of getting Helen to cook.  Go figure.  I wanted rechargeable batteries and an HDTV antenna for my HDTV.  Mom had a massive, and I mean massive, panic attack in Wal-Mart.   We liked to have never gotten through checkout and home.  She was shaking like a leaf in a gale.  I worried so much about her and sat at the edge of her bed an hour tonight until she was feeling better.  She took three aprazolam and that did the trick. 

I can’t take a lot going on so I am very tired.  Sometimes, I get a wild hair up my butt and want to go back to work, but days like today remind me why I don’t.  I had a full plate and feel exhausted.  Imagine doing this every day.  It sends shivers down my spine.  I am off to lay on the bed and finish Gone with the Wind for a few hours until dad arrives with my medications. 

Wednesday, April 7th, Attitude of Gratitude…

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

On AA Sponsorship…

I just returned from an in-town AA meeting.  It was a small, sparsely attended meeting.  During the meeting, the chairperson asked that if anyone needed a sponsor to raise their hands and someone will talk to you.  I sat there looking dumbfounded and then panicked when I thought everyone was looking at me. It was a total paranoid schizophrenic moment.  I almost had a panic/anxiety attack.  I felt as if I was being dishonest by not raising my hand.  I felt in the spotlight. 

I am scared of the intimacy of having a sponsor.  Of having to call on the phone everyday and make small talk.  Many things about it bother me.  I want to be the lone wolf AA attendee.  I also realize I will have to get over my fears and give in.  How will I ever begin to work the twelve steps without help and guidance?  Someone pass the Paxil.  I am going to need it.

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

No Alcoholic’s Anonymous Last Night…

George never called me back about the AA meeting so I assume he went to his poker game.  I stayed home and waited on Charlie to come.  I have taken a “live and let live” attitude towards George lately.  I don’t judge him knowing all too well the rigors of addiction.  My help is there for the asking, but I can’t babysit him either.  I guess I am not a very good friend it seems.  I should be nagging him to death about meetings. 

Let Go and Let God?

I haven’t slept much the past few nights and joined a midnight online AA meeting.  It was just your standard share meeting, but one poster caught my eye with what she wrote.  She said she was learning to “let go and let God”.   I was confused by this and have heard it before in AA.  Am I not to take an active role in my recovery?  Why just turn my recovery over to God?  I thought we were supposed to pray for God’s will and the strength to carry it out.  I have a tendency to be cynical about AA when it concerns the saying that we were powerless over alcohol.  I want to think we do have power.  We are taking active steps to recover.  I guess I should always remember progress, not perfection – that it is not a perfect program, nor am I as a person and recovering alcoholic.

Ubuntu Linux Woes… 

One thing I am finding about Ubuntu is that it is growing very buggy and this disappoints me.  I was so excited initially about having a free operation system that was open source.  I am having tons of issues with media and music players and I listen to lots of music and radio on my computer.  Rhythm Box keeps deleting my music library and it takes up to an hour to rebuild it with 320Gb of music.  My iPod is also not playing nice with Ubuntu and I have tried countless programs to get it to work.  I am also getting tons of pops and crackles in my audio even after updating my drivers and trying a different sound card.  Oh well, my initial excited-ness is tarnished and it is back to big brother Windows for me sadly.  I so wanted to be part of the Linux fold.   

Soup du Jour…

I am so enjoying the soup I made yesterday.  I ate a big bowl with some leftover cornbread a minute ago as a late night snack.  My soup is kind of a hodge podge concoction.  I browned some ground beef Charlie got me.  I then added a big can of Veg-All.  I also added two cans of crushed tomatoes.  I love a tomatoey vegetable soup. I then added some frozen okra and some macaroni noodles.  It was delicious.  I love to eat it with lots of Louisiana cayenne hot sauce dashed in.  I also love to cut several wedges of cornbread in half, slather it with butter, and toast it in my toaster oven till it is buttery and crunchy.  I then sprinkle this in my soup.

Medications…

Charlie asked me last night how my medications effect me.  I told him it was kind of like a heroin addict’s methadone.  I feel calm and tingly when they enter my bloodstream.  Often, a sense of giddiness will follow.  I can concentrate better and can focus on tasks such as working on my blog.  It is late in the day when they begin to wear off and I begin to feel so mentally tired and confused.  I will find myself forgetting basic things.  I usually just crawl into the bed and listen to the radio or pace the floors endlessly at the end of the day when I get like this. 

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

Mental Wellness Arrives…

I got to feeling better and better mentally as the day progressed after a rough start last night and this morning.  I managed to get a shower, shave, and cook a very, very good supper this afternoon.  I cooked a pan of delicious cornbread and made some vegetable beef soup.  I have also straightened the house up some despite dad being gone – doing little odds and ends like taking out the trash and sweeping my hardwood floors.  I wanted the house to look good for Charlie to come. 

Maggie has also been blissfully on the porch all day barking at anything that would walk by.  It is comforting to know she is out there and looking out for the house and I.  I had all my doors open and screened in porch wide open as well so anyone could have just walked in without her watching.

George came by the house this afternoon after sleeping all day.  He said he was going to play his usual poker game tonight at the shot house.

“Are you going to drink?” I asked already knowing the answer.

“You better damn well bet I am,” he replied. “I need a drink bad!”

“Why don’t you go to the 8pm Lagrange meeting with me?” I asked heart fully.  “I will drive us if you go with me.  It is usually my bedtime, but I will go if you will go.”

“I’ll honestly think about it,” George said eating the last of the cold pizza from the fridge. “I really want to get drunk, though.”

George is supposed to call me back around seven and let me know if he is going.  I hope he does.  He’s done so well about not drinking lately and I would hate to see him fall again.  I understand completely, though, and don’t judge him harshly.  Last night, when I was so mentally unwell, all I could think of was something to drink to calm my nerves and my mind.      

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

Online AA Meetings…

A friend wrote to me today that an online AA meeting was just no substitute for a real world meeting – that you couldn't discern body language and also the inflections in someone's voice.  They sure are convenient, though, but I agreed with him.  They are certainly no substitute.  I find myself daydreaming about Heineken tonight much to my alarm.  Were there is a will, there is a way, and I could always find a drink if I wanted to.  I could always call George and say I needed some money for Cokes. 

I attended an online meeting this afternoon.  We discussed how alcoholics have trouble with relationships.  At least, we tried to.  It was rather chaotic with many people trying to change the subject and talking out of turn.  Socially, I am retarded I have finally realized.  Mom’s mother’s side of the family was as well and that’s where I get it from. They are all very “interesting” people and I use the quotes loosely.   It is strange how I can be so gregarious on the Internet and won’t answer the phone at home or answer the door most days.  Dad says I am a hermit.  He also likes to call Mom and I royalty – that we are too good to receive subjects.  It’s his way of making light of a more severe deficiency in our character.

There are medications you can take for social anxiety.  Paxil is one.  I have found Paxil only made me more sexually impotent and did nothing for my social anxieties.  You know what can make me social?  A six pack of beer, and that’s why drinking can be so dangerous for me.  By drinking, I medicate myself and my problems.  The problem is that I can’t just have a six pack and feel comfortably numb.  I have to have a case of beer and wake up the next morning not even remembering the experience.  It is a shame, really.  I would like to drink like a normal person – to have two glasses of wine or a beer and be content. 

Total abstinence is the only way for me.  This little passage from AA sums me up to a T and how I must live my life. 

At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from alcohol in any form.

Cool Free Software…

What cool free software do you use on a daily basis?  I have learned that there is almost always a free program for about anything you want to do computer wise.  Here is a list of some free software I use on a daily basis and couldn't live without. 

• Linux Ubuntu – Linux Ubuntu is a free operating system based on the Linux kernel.  I can dual boot between Ubuntu and Windows 7 on my main computer these days and find myself using Ubuntu much of the time when I am just browsing, twittering or listening to music.
• Windows Live Writer – I couldn’t blog without this.  It is as easy as opening the program, writing a post in a expansive window of view, and hitting publish.  None of that wonky Blogger dashboard bullshit.  I rarely even open the blogger dashboard these days. 
• Mozilla Thunderbird – I use this as my email program.  I have Outlook 2007 and found it bloated and hard to use.  Thunderbird is simple, does the job, and checks all my email accounts.
• Gimp – I use this to edit my photos these days.  I have a trial copy of Photoshop, but wasn’t about to pay 600 dollars or more for a photo editing program.  Dad would crap in his pants if I asked for such a thing.
• iTunes – iTunes is free, but most people think you have to have an iPod or an account to use it.  I will admit it is one of the more bloated programs I use, but I do use it to organize my extensive music library.  It is easy to categorize by artist and album with the program.  
• TweetDeck – I couldn't live without this as far as Twitter is concerned.  It helps me keep up with when I am mentioned and my direct messages which I can be bad about checking.  It is fun to watch people Tweet all day – their desires, their likes. It’s an interesting place to be.  

Anonymous Comments… 

I’ve had many people come to me lately and say they want to comment, but don’t have a blogger account.  I am kind of miffed why someone can’t just sign up for a simple Google account, but I try to understand.  My biggest detriment to anonymous comments is the spam I get and I get tons of it when I open them up.  We will try this again and see how it works.  If I start getting tons of spam again then I will take them down.  Play nice my negative minions!  I have an ego and emotional state of glass! LOL (I can actually defend myself pretty nicely.)

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

I didn’t want to go to AA tonight and they say in AA that’s when you need to go the most. I have been completely engrossed by the Internet these past two days.   It was the 7pm clubhouse meeting in town with all the cranky old timers.  The 8pm meeting in Lagrange is just too late for me including the hour drive on top of an hour meeting.  I had to remind myself of that important saying in AA: principles over personalities – to not let those cranky old stodgy men to turn me away from something that is so vitally important to me. 

I walked through my neighborhood feeling kind of panicky.  I passed the First Baptist Church and sat on the front steps for a few moments to rest and smoke.  Could I make it?  I was certainly giving it my best try having walked so far.  The AA meeting hall was just down the road and it was 6:50pm.

I sat in the very back of the room and just listened not choosing to share tonight. They went around the room and when it got my time to share, I said, “I’m Andrew and I’m an alcoholic.  My higher power told me it was best I shut up and listen tonight. Thank you.”

A few men chuckled.  

“I would get so drunk I wouldn’t remember how I got somewhere,” one shaky looking unshaven fellow then said during his turn to share after me. “My car would be outside and I couldn’t remember driving.  It would scare the shit outta me.  I realized then I had a problem.  They put me in treatment for two weeks and I ended up here afterwards.”

I knew I had a problem from an early age.  My first drink was probably around the age of eleven or twelve and I drank two bottles of wine.  The very first time I drank I got drunk.  I thought it was the best thing I had ever felt – it was the most intoxicating and titillating experience in my life figuratively and literally. I would even drink cooking sherry as a child to get drunk and you all know how salty that stuff is.    It is amazing I got through high school without more problems than I had.  There is a long history of addiction on both sides of the family and it seems to have genetically amalgamated in me.  It is a sad shame really.  I had so much promise and talent as a singer and piano player.  Drinking took that away and gave me back a completely different life – a life I have chosen to no longer live.   It’s really liberating to finally realize you have a choice and you don’t have to be a drunk anymore. 

Good night dear friends. I am headed to bed early with my Maggie and my fan blowing the cool evening air on me.  Dad will be here soon enough with medications.