Momma? That Man is Bumfuzzled...

I got completely bumfuzzled tonight.  The grocery store was so very busy and it started to spin around me. I felt confused. People were everywhere tonight. They're usually almost empty when we go so late. Well, my skin started to crawl and I started to have an anxiety attack.

We managed to get me some groceries, but I only spent $45 dollars tonight. Hey, I've got 4 gallons of sweet milk and that made me happy. I also have enough sandwich fixins' to have sandwiches for a few days plus the food I raided from my parent's pantry. I did also manage to get two very large bags of Kroger frosted flakes.

My medications will kick in about 10:00 pm and I should be feeling much better by then. Boy, it's been a long time since that has happened to me and I forgot how scary they are. It is like your mind is spiralling out of control.

Dad buys his and mom's groceries every Wednesday night and he is going to get me some premium apple pie filling/topping and some vanilla ice cream. Those items would have put me closer to $60 or more dollars.

image credit:  http://www.tophealthclub.com/top-10-tips-on-how-to-overcome-anxiety-panic-attacks-and-take-back-control-of-your-life/

Charlie in Charge...

Don't you wish they actually looked like that?

Charles in charge brought my medications and Wendy's combo meal last night.  My father had to meet my sister halfway to Alex City to return the grandkids as they had been with him all day.

"Check and make sure you got the double," Charlie told me of my Wendy's order juxtaposed to my mother's order.

A double it was...

I was just ravishingly starving.  You can really tell it was almost grocery day.  Maggie and I had my last two eggs this morning.  I had to wait one hour before eating, though, to let my medications soak in with no accidents.  It seemed like the longest hour of my life and I sat at my computer listening to music to pass the time.  I am under the delusion that this helps their efficacy as well. It certainly is a sudden punch or onslaught of medications at almost exactly an hour after I take them.

Tonight's grocery night and I am out of almost everything.  I started a list this morning of all the things I needed.  It is going to be a tall order.  I've already warned my father that we might overspend on the phone.  Boy, was he talking a mile a minute today.  I could barely get off the phone.  He loves to talk about the quirky and odd stuff my mother and I do due to our mental illnesses.

Panic Personified...

Mom called me last night with a terrible panic attack before Charlie could bring her meal.

"Do you think it would hurt to take an extra Xanax or two?" mom asked me to let her off the hook.

"I would," I replied being a bad and terrible influence. "I would take three or four more of them."

Panic attacks are nasty, evil things that I've seemed to inherited from my mother as well.

"Do you want me to come and sit with you awhile?" I offered to my mother. 

I called her several more times making sure she was okay.  I had one about a week or two ago and mom was very attentive about it.  Dad even offered to come get me and to go get a soda and it was already 11 pm. Gosh, those things are awful and I can really sympathize with my mother. I think my father now realizes that we are not crying wolf when we have them as they often arrive at the most inopportune times. 

Kind Parents Last Night...

Boy, I've had a time with my mental illness lately.  I was having problems with my anxiety attacks last night.  I called mom for a little comfort and dad got on the phone as well.  They were watching a rerun of Foyle's War on Netflix TV.

"You would think my medications would stop this," I forlornly told my father.

But I had taken them hours and hours beforehand my father reminded me and they had certainly begun to wear off.

"Do you want me to come over and take you to get one of your favorite drinks at the Circle K?" dad asked last night about 11 pm. "It might help to get your head out of the house."

The thought of all that sugar and caffeine swayed me from doing that.

"I'm fine," I told him. "Maggie and I just need to get in the bed."

It was cold and damp and I didn't want my father to get out in all that bad weather.  Just the mere offer was a comfort to me, though.  There was a time in my life where I would be accused of causing this anxiety from some indiscretion I had committed.  Times have certainly changed.

"Come over here and sleep on the couch," my mother then said. "I know how terrible those panic attacks can be."

I thanked mom and said I would pass.  Maggie and I got in the bed around midnight and were soon fast asleep.  I didn't wake up till 3 pm, though, the next day. I guess my body was trying to tell me something.

image credit:  http://missiontosave.com/circle-k-great-lakes-polar-pop-cup-instagram-contest-25-gift-card-giveaway/

Where the Strong Can Become Weak...

Mom called me this morning and asked if I wanted to go grab a Reuben sandwich at Arby's with her for lunch. I told her that sounded great and that I needed to run by Wal-Mart to get some speaker wire. The Wal-Mart resides in the same shopping center.

"I'll sit out in the car while you go into Wal-Mart," mom told me saying she couldn't walk that far.

Well, lunch was great.  I love a Reuben sandwich and it hit the spot on this cold day. The curly fries were superb eaten with Arby's sauce.

I then had to tackle Wal-Mart for a spool of large gauge speaker wire next.   Sensory overload hit me as I gulped and headed back to the electronics department.  A moment of vertigo overcame me as I walked. Everything always seems so in motion in these big box stores. I almost impulse bought Star Wars Battlefront, but I knew I would never play it.  I enjoy games from decades past more these days.  I grabbed my spool of speaker wire, paid, and quickly headed back to my mother's car.

"I had a panic attack while you were in Wal-Mart!" mom exclaimed as I got back in the car. "I took three Xanax and am already feeling better."

"Me and you both are going home for a quiet afternoon," I told my mother. "I had a moment of vertigo in Wal-Mart as well."

image credit:  http://www.myevansvillemommy.com/2012/02/arbys-free-curly-fries-drink-w-reuben.html

Expunging Food Data...

I've got beef lo mein simmering on the stove at the moment.  It smells delicious in here and my recipe will feed me for 2 or 3 days.  I learned that cabbage is much easier to quarter and cut if it is at room temperature.  I also learned from the last time I cooked beef lo mein is that you shouldn't skimp on the soy sauce.  The Kroger soy sauce is horrible and the Kikkoman's is much tastier. The word premium comes to mind.

When Christmas Presents Go Awry...

No!

I sometimes forget how caffeine can adversely affect me.  I fixed a full pot of strong coffee last night. Innocently and absentmindedly, I began to drink coffee until I drank several mugs.  I got to feeling sick as a dog.  I got still and quiet in my Lazy-E-Boy in my attempts to fight off a panic attack.

I turned off all noise, shut down my computer, and waited until I could metabolize most of the caffeine.  I finally called my father, woke him up from a nap, and told him I needed my medications as soon as he could bring then.  Maggie and I got in the bed and just waited -- staying as quiet as possible. Soon, there was a knock upon my front door. It was Papa. Maggie flew off the bed in excitement.

"What have you done now?" my father asked scoldingly as he was walking into my house.

"I drank a whole pot of coffee and it triggered a panic attack," I replied.

"You drank ten cups?" my father asked astonished. "No wonder you feel sick."

"Don't rub it in!" I said weakly to my father as I took my medications. "You know I have trouble with moderation. I honestly didn't mean to drink so much."

We watched Queen Elizabeth's Christmas address on my computer and soon I was feeling much better as my medications began to take effect.

"You okay now?" my father asked putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, I am going to be okay," I replied. "I am going to bed after all of that."

image credit:  https://www.tumblr.com/search/giant%20coffee%20cup