Sleepyhead Part Deux…

The shrill alarm went off at 6:30am this morning, but I managed to go back to sleep. Tracy’s stirring didn’t wake me again. I slept until eleven and couldn’t sleep no more. Wheezy and I were bedbugs. It was glorious. My phone didn’t ring miraculously once. I got up and headed to my father’s house to pick up some medicine. He had left a bottle of his homemade cough syrup “John’s cough syrup” between the screen door and the kitchen door.

“I am afraid you are going to have to quit smoking,” my father told me last night. “Your cough worries me so.”

This year I will have been smoking thirty years. How do you give up a lifetime habit? I started smoking when I was sixteen. I go outside to smoke on the porch since Tracy has moved in. It has greatly curtailed the amount I am imbibing.

The small animal clinic closes from noon to 1pm for lunch and I knew Tracy was coming home to eat. I got two turkey pot pies cooking in my toaster oven. They just taste better cooked in an oven than microwaved. I thought that would be a warm treat on this cold and dreary winter’s day. The large Marie Calendar’s pot pies are so delicious.

My Brother Left His Heart in New Orleans...

Well, my father announced to me last night during the smoke and Coke ritual that he was heading to New Orleans in the morning with my brother and his family.

"Your brother asked me to go and I jumped at the chance," my father said. "Charlie's going to take real good care of you while I am gone,"

I almost got excited as Charlie will bring lots of treats for Maggie and me tonight and the next few nights as well.

My brother graduated from Tulane with a degree in Biomedical Engineering and has always said he left his heart in New Orleans when he went off to join the Navy. He always loves to return to his favorite city.

I called my father to see if they were underway this morning and dad was joking and carrying on being his usual self. We all know within the family that when my father passes away that my stingy brother will become the arbiter of my father's estate. He is also an oncologist and told me when he got to be my representative payee that the smoking had to stop. Dad just loves to tease me about that.

"You're getting cut off," he is fond of saying while laughing hysterically.

I told my father to tell my brother that I smoke Doral Lights 100s this morning and I expect to keep getting them. Dad laughed and laughed and picked at my brother about it. My brother replied that he was going to wean me off of them slowly.

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done…

…was quitting smoking.  It has been a few weeks now smoke free and already my lungs are clearer, food tastes exponentially better and I can breathe out of my nose for the first time in years.  It hasn’t been an easy row to hoe, though, with Stacey still smoking.  I realize from smelling her clothes after she comes in from my porch to smoke how much you stink – the odor just wafts through the whole room.  I don’t want to become one of those bitter anti-smoking Nazis I always abhorred during my smoking days, though.  Live and let live will be my mantra. 

One of the most notable differences is with work.  I no longer completely obsess over my next cigarette break – able to do a much better job.  I took entirely too many smoke breaks at work much to my non-smoking supervisor’s chagrin.  My addiction would force me to play fast and loose with our congenial relationship – her often letting me get away with far too much with regards to my many breaks to imbibe.  I now feel some peace after a few weeks of abstaining and can safely say, now, that I have quit smoking.  Now, to get that musty cigarette odor out of my home!  Can you say Febreeze and Glade Plug-Ins?

Shying Away From the Family Topic…

Driving to Auburn for a visit to the psychiatrist or therapy is always a good excuse to get my favorite breakfast.  I got my two steak biscuits, hashrounds and a diet Coke and sat in the restaurant eating as I used their Wi-Fi this morning with my iPad.  It was an enjoyable experience following on the heels of a very productive therapy session.

I shied away from talking about family today to focus on goals for the future and implementing them.  I needed guidance and encouragement that I am not taking on too much, too fast.

“Where would you like to see yourself next year this time?” my therapist asked.

“I would like to be completely independent, owning the current house I live in,” I replied. “I would also like to be fully self supporting with my new business.”

“Lofty goals,” my therapist replied with a smile. “But easily achievable.”

I then showed her my anxiety workbook – us discussing methods for dealing with my anxiety.  I am officially diagnosed now not as Schizoaffective, but as suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and social anxiety – just another list of disorders in the very long list of disorders I’ve had over the years.

“You have said before that you are very candid with your boss about your disability,” my therapist said. “Discuss with her ways that can ease your anxiety at work.  What causes the most anxiety for you when you are working?”

“The unknown mainly,” I replied. “I never know when I will be asked by a customer out of the blue for help causing me social anxiety.  I never know if it is going to be a very busy day or one of my more ploddingly slow days.  I want everyday to be the same with little excitement or diversion.”

“I think we can all feel that way, though, about our jobs,” my therapist told me. “Work is stressful.  You are performing a service for a wage.  Most people have a lot of anxiety and misgivings about work.  I think that is perfectly normal and not mental illness related.”

I felt better for our hour talk.  It has been money well spent I have decided.  I am going to try and stick to this therapy thing and maybe in a few weeks start to open up more freely about my family and it’s extreme dysfunction. 

The Call on the Drive Home from Auburn…

“What you doing?” Stacey asked me as I drove up the interstate back to the Chattahoochee Valley.

“Oh, I am listening to Joni Mitchell’s Misses CD, just passing the Cusseta exit on the interstate and thinking about you and last night,” I replied.

“Next time take two Ambien so you will sleep the whole night with me,” she asked pleadingly. “I missed you after you left.  I want to wake up in the morning’s with you next to me.”

I laughed at the thought of taking two Ambien.  Surely, that would put me in a stupor to be remembered.  I am finding a relationship with a woman to be a very careful game of give and take.

“I don’t think that would be very wise,” I replied. “I have already grown addicted to taking those pills to sleep.”

Stacey couldn’t talk long being at work, but we did both agree that last night’s experience was better than nothing – that my being over at her house with her is very important to her life.  I said goodbye after we discussed dinner plans at my house – me coming home to defrost mom’s tangy chicken. For a woman supposedly with bipolar disorder, she is one of the more even keeled women I have dated.  For that, I am grateful and enjoy spending my life with her. 

Caramel Says, "Good Morning!"

Caramel and I have already been out for our potty break this morning. This time she followed Maggie through the dog door and I lavished her with praise. "Good girl!" I said in excitement as I rubbed her vigorously. I am hoping house training for her is going to as easy as it was for Maggie. Maggie was no trouble at all being as smart as she is. Maggie, though, got to barking up a storm this early morning at a possum in the pecan tree in Joyce's yard. "Maggie?!" I exclaimed, worried about the neighbors. "Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?" Maggie and Caramel both came tearing back inside and I fed them both some Beefaroni as I locked the dog door so Maggie couldn't go back out and bark up a storm. I was careful to put the Beefaroni on separate foam plates so there wouldn't be any fights over food. I then cooked some grits and cheese toast for breakfast.

 

2pm Will Mark 3 Days...

2pm will mark three days without a cigarette. They say the nicotine gets out of your system after three days and I will be relieved to have some peace from that anxious feeling I have constantly -- the constant need to smoke. Stacey has just been amazed at my will power. I told her she is dating an "all or nothing" fellow as I will either smoke lots of cigarettes or smoke none at all. It does work in my favor at times -- especially when I decided to go for my independence from my family. I can just have this dogged determination at times and I wasn't about to have to work five hours a week or more just for my smoking habit. The best thing dad did was to make me start paying for my cigarettes again instead of him paying. He thought he was punishing me, but he did me a favor.

Back to Work...

It is back to work this morning after a good fruitful day off. I mowed five lawns yesterday leaving me only three to do and I will be caught up for a week or two unless I get more calls for work. I look forward to work this morning -- not dreading it at all. I love these early hours before seven when it is so cool and dark and I can gather my carts in peace without the parking lot being hectic and busy. Today will start my eighth week of work -- the end of the week marking two full months of working again after eight years of idleness. I feel so accomplished and my self esteem improves everyday -- that old nemesis social anxiety wilting away. The best thing I've done in many years was to start working again and to say to hell with Social Security -- somebody else can start having my benefits in May.

Epicurious...

Mom called me last night just as I was going to bed at 8:00pm.

"You won't believe our day," mom said. "We drove all the way to Thomasville and back and it stormed the whole time.  I am calling about your groceries tomorrow.  I am so tired, I am going to collapse in the bed after I get off the phone."

"Surprise me about groceries tomorrow, mom," I told her. "Get me all kinds of interesting foods to eat. Get me what you would want to eat yourself.  I get tired of the same things every week."

Mom chuckled warily not wanting to upset our usual routines.

"Give me more direction," she replied.

"Think of some of your favorite recipes and buy me the ingredients for them," I told her excitedly.

"Your putting a lot of work on me," she said, chuckling again.  "You know I can be anal about our routines."

"I know," I replied. "I just get tired of those Marie Callendar frozen meals all the time.  I want to be able to cook for Stacey and I this week every night."

"I will surprise you," mom said wanting to get off the phone now.  I had put too much on her for the busy day she had.  "How does my lasagna and spaghetti sound?  And mushroom chicken, tangy chicken and beef lo mein?"

"Sounds wonderful," I replied.

"Don't forget your diet Sprite tomorrow morning," mom then said. "Are you coming over at four to get them?"

"Certainly," I replied. "I appreciate you doing that."

"I will also bring you, Stacey and the dogs some double cheeseburgers, fries and apple pies tomorrow night as well."

"Sounds like a nice plan," I replied and we got off the phone.