Praying for God’s Will and the Strength to Carry That Out…

Just attended on online AA meeting, and that was the topic of discussion.  I pray for that everyday now – the strength to carry out God’s will.  I have come to the conclusion that I only need a few certain things to feel mentally well and to stay sober, and I believe they are God’s will…

1. 4 small sensible meals a day with a snack before bed.  No refined sugar and sugar rushes.  I have to be so careful about my bulimia. The 25 Snickers bars are going to mom along with a Edwards key lime pie. I also have 3 packages of cookies that are going to mom as well. These are all foods that make me want to binge.  Nutrition and keeping those four meals down is so key to me staying healthy mentally and physically.  
2. No caffeine.  I have decided that was one of the main culprits of my recent anxiety attacks.  I am going to start foregoing my daily six sodas.  I have drank a lot of coffee and sodas lately and it has upset the balance.  The caffeine gets my heart racing and the racing devolves into anxiety attacks.
3. Take my medications everyday on a set schedule.  Dad pretty much brings my medications at 9:30pm to 10pm every night.  The only deviation is Saturdays when dad gets off at 2pm and gives me my medications at 3pm on his way home from work. I really wish dad would come by and give me my medications before work.  My medications wear off during the day from the previous night and most afternoons find me feeling mentally interesting.  I am really dragging my feet when bedtime rolls around and can’t wait to go to sleep to escape it.
4. No extra pills or medications unless under the most dire of emergencies as prescribed by my doctor.  This is one of the biggest dangers against my sobriety and I have to be so careful.  I can feign mental illness and eventually get extra pills to save up and take all at once.  It is my natural inclination to do this being an addictive sort of fellow.  I just can’t do this and jeopardize my sobriety. 

A Sober Man Three Weeks…

George stopped by at lunch with a sack full of Krystal hamburgers.  He wanted to thank me for hooking up his computer and getting him online.

“It’s no problem,” I said modestly.

“Well, you’ve been sober three weeks,” I said changing the subject. “How does it feel?”

“Does the urge to drink ever go away?” he asked. “I get beside myself for a drink some days.  I want to come over here with you when I get like that.”

“Yes,” I said, trying to sound kindly. “It lessens over time.  I never hardly ever think of drinking anymore these days.”

“Been to any meetings?” I then asked.

“I can’t get around the ‘being powerless over alcohol’ thing,” George replied.  “I do have power.  I choose not to drink.  It makes me feel sorry for all those people in AA in like they are helpless addicts.”

“My problem was always with the higher power aspect,” I told him jumping on the bandwagon. “Like some omnipotent being was going to just magically take away the urge to drink.  It reminded me of fairy dust and leprechauns.”

George laughed. “You always were weird about religion.  Momma would love for you to go to church with her you know.”

“I know,” I replied.  “She asks me all the time.  I would be the only white guy there.  I don’t have any Sunday clothes that fit me and it is always a good excuse.”

“Live it up today,” George told me as he was leaving.  He knows I ration my cigarettes to make them last and he handed me a pack of Swisher’s Sweets cigars.  “Smoke one after the other if you want to.”

I thanked George profusely and told him goodbye.  It was so good having him stop by today.  He looks so well.  Sobriety is being kind to him. 

Higher Power, Where Art Thou?

I went to an early morning AA meeting.  I really couldn't afford the gas, but went anyway.  I needed hope and enlightenment.  We discussed the AA promises which are to your left.  The promises are read before every meeting and the power of the words always sends shivers down my spine.  From the despair that can be chronic alcoholism comes hope, and that is something amazing.

My biggest hang up with AA is the religious aspects.  My father is a staunch atheist and always taught us to have healthy skepticism of anything religious.  I want to believe and try to grasp the concepts of higher powers and God, but usually fall short.  I keep going, though, and hope some of this mysticism and religion rubs off on me.  I need to believe to stay sober.  Lately, I have been using the collective group of AA as my higher power, as I understand him. That can sometimes be lacking though. 

I also have to be careful with religion.  When I was in the throes of my schizophrenia and un-medicated,  I grew very religious.  Even going so far to reading the bible and believing God was sending me messages through the television and Internet.  I would watch the nightly news broadcasts and scribble down messages from God that Dan Rather was imparting to me.  It drove my then wife crazy.  So I have to temper my zeal for things religious as my experiences while mentally ill have left a bitter taste in my mouth.