Germain to the Issue…

I had just entered Kroger and grabbed a cart. I was studying my list calculating where to go first as I made forward progress.

“Andrew! ANDREW!” someone hollered behind my back as I headed towards produce.

It was Jermaine. I hadn’t seen him in many months.

“Where have you been?” I asked him after he spooked and startled me.

“I’ve been driving up to the Kroger in Lagrange lately,” Jermaine replied. “They have much, much better prices.”

Jermaine began to ramble on about women’s basketball and my eyes glazed over and I got that one hundred yard stare that usually accompanies it. In the middle of him talking about women's hoops, I said, “Gotta run, Jermaine! Gotta get my groceries before my father arrives! Sorry!”  I was out of there like lickety split. I did notice Jermaine had a gallon of whole milk and a gigantic pack of cheap vanilla cookies in the basket of his hover-round. He pulled in to checkout as I briskly walked away.

I went off my diet tonight and bought some delicious looking apple turnovers that were fresh baked in the bakery. I went even further off the deep end and got a quart of Neapolitan ice cream. I have a weakness for ice cream and I hadn’t eaten it in months. The very foundation of my house cracked when I brought them inside. There was a clap of thunder as the voice of god chastised me. For the Magster, I got two 6-packs of Vienna sausages.

It took dad forever to get there tonight. Wine had been served is what me thinks. Several Kroger employees asked me if I needed help as I stood haplessly with my loaded cart near a checkout lane for what seemed like 30 minutes.

The Easy Street to Obesity…

“Jermaine? If I wanted to get really fat what would I eat?”

Jermaine chuckled nervously.

“Are you serious?” Jermaine cautiously asked.

“I am dead serious,” I replied.

“Well, I would start at the Hostess aisle and stock up on Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs. Stuff like that.”

“That sounds good!” I replied excitably.

“Get you three or four boxes of Poptarts and some whole milk to wash it all down with,” he continued.

“You know what I have a hankering for?” I said looking deep in thought. “I want ice cream and lots of it.”

“That’ll do the trick,” Jermaine said grinning. “That will really put the weight on you.”

Jermaine cocked his head at me and asked me if I were really serious again.

“I am just dreaming,” I finally replied, patting him on the back and cackling. “If I was going to get fat, I would want to do it in style.”

“I thought you had gone off the deep end, Andrew,” Jermaine told me with a sigh of relief.

Old Fuss and Feathers would have a fit if showed up at checkout with a cart full of that kind of stuff.

In contrast to tonight’s proceedings, I only spent $57 dollars on my groceries. I just couldn’t eat any more of those bland frozen meals which are so expensive.

You Should’ve Seen Jermaine Grin…

This afternoon was spent tuning up Jermaine’s big V-8 engine. I just love working on old cars. Jermaine wanted to do it yesterday afternoon, but I was too lazy and tired after volunteering.

There was a marked difference in the before and after. You could set a glass of water on Jermaine’s air cleaner and it wouldn’t vibrate off after I tuned it up. I was really proud of myself at how smooth the engine was running.

The hardest part was gapping and installing the new spark plugs. I had eight old plugs to uninstall and eight more to gap and install. Once that was done then it was smooth sailing after that.

It started to thunder and that was my cue to head on home and watch the weather as Jermaine climbed in his car to go fill it up with gas. He called me later telling me how much more powerful his engine was as well.

“Go easy on that old V-8,” I told him as I grinned and chuckled.

The Shade Tree Mechanic…

Jermaine called me today and said his engine is running really rough now. He can’t afford to take it to a real mechanic. They’d take Jermaine and his old car to the bank. I swung by his house and got $60 dollars from him. I then drove to AutoZone and ordered the parts we need to tune up his engine. I also got some carburetor cleaner as well.

“The parts will be here Monday,” I told him to his relief.

He about fell over himself thanking me. I spent some time spraying carburetor cleaner in his throttle body hoping that would lessen the rough idle. It helped some, but he desperately needs new spark plug wires. His were all cracked and frayed in sections. With new spark plugs, wires, and a cap and rotor, it should solve all his problems.  We can get that big old 402 cubic inch V-8 running smoothly again.

Mayfield's Birthday Cake Ice Cream…

That’s what I bought tonight at Kroger and it is delicious. Dad and I are just now getting around to buying groceries this week. I had a lot of food left from last week and we both kept putting it off despite my father giving me a lecture on how we need to stay on schedule. I was down to two Lean Cuisines this morning and told my father we better go tonight and he agreed. From the moment I left the house, to the moment I was putting up my groceries, only 30 minutes had elapsed. Now, that’s what I call some grocery shopping.

Another One Under My Belt…

I am warming up some pork chops and rice for supper. I never got around to eating them last night. I just stuck them in the fridge for later. I am especially keen on the asparagus tonight which dad drizzles with a mayonnaise and lemon juice emulsion sauce. It is just delicious. There were four biscuits, but I am unsure how well they faired a tour of duty in the fridge overnight. I might slice them in half and toast them in my toaster oven with some butter. That’s what my grandmother, Sally Lou, would do. Leftover biscuits were a treat at her house.

Last night, I was so tired that I sat down in my recliner in the den and fell sound asleep instantly. Maggie woke me up about 3 AM barking loudly as if someone was in the yard. I checked to make sure my car alarm was on, I turned on the porch lights, and then double checked all the doors to see if they were locked. I then went and retired in a proper bed and slept soundly the rest of the night. 

Sharyna thought I liked Jermaine. Hah! Just kidding! I like Jermaine. He’s a good friend, but he can just talk your ear off for 20 minutes or more. Southern etiquette dictates that the person who started a conversation finishes it. The same goes for the phone. That’s why I was avoiding him last night. I was tired and ill and wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I was one pooped puppy last night.

Skinny Minny, unfortunately our Kroger doesn’t have that service or I would certainly use it. I think Walmart does, though. I would never convince my father to try Walmart's service unfortunately. Kroger is just ten times more convenient as well as far as location and parking. 

Lincoln’s Back On the Road…

Well, I got Jermaine’s replacement radiator successfully installed this morning and he paid me $90 dollars so we’re even Steven. I was expecting the worse, but it was a pretty straight forward repair. “Drop and fit” as was advertised. I swung by AutoZone when they opened and picked up several gallons of 50/50 antifreeze, a couple of quarts of transmission fluid, and headed to Jermaine’s house about nine.

We have another project to tackle next weekend. His transmission fluid was brown and old when it should be a bright purple. I am going to replace his transmission fluid with fresh fluid and get that old stuff out. I swung by AutoZone again on my way home and ordered a new transmission pan gasket for a couple of dollars so we are all set as soon as AutoZone calls me when it arrives. I will most likely have to scrape the old gasket off to install the new one so I need a paint scraper as well. We’ll get that from Charlie.

Now that I have that $90 back, I can now look forward to heading to Opelika to purchase my new 29 gallon aquarium and stand. Old Fuss and Feathers says he is going to have to go with me and pay for it out of my computer parts money I have saved up. When will I ever get Johnny Otis to Walmart, though? And down in Opelika at that? Our Walmart doesn’t have it in stock and I shan’t dare have an aquarium delivered. It will most likely come cracked or broken as they aren’t packaged well for shipping – just a couple of pieces of Styrofoam on the edges.

A Tale of Lincoln Woe…

“Head on up there and get started and I will meet you in the store,” Charlie said over his cellphone.

I got in my shiny new chariot and headed to Kroger. It is grocery night. I was finished shopping by the time Charlie arrived.

“I was putting gas in the white truck,” Charlie told me. “Did you have to wait long?”

“I just have finished,” I replied, parked in front of the batteries so people could get by.

We checked out and I turned to push my cart and Jermaine was in front of me blocking my forward progress. He was sitting in his scooter.

“You’ll never guess what happened,” he told me. “My engine locked up in my car. It is a big old Lincoln Continental. It had all kinds of radiator problems as well.”

“I hate to hear that,” I told Jermaine sincerely – worried how he would ever afford a used car..

Charlie stepped in and told Jermaine we were in a hurry. Charlie is always in a hurry. He had Horsefly at the bowling alley he told Jermaine. Jermaine had a hundred questions about Horsefly as they had classes together in high school. Charlie didn’t have time for that and told Jermaine he hoped he got a car and that he had to get Andrew home and his groceries put up.

“I’d still be in there chatting with him if it weren’t for you,” I told Charlie.

“You just need to learn how to handle Jermaine,” Charlie replied to me with a harumpff.

So much for Southern hospitality.

Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine…

I hadn’t been in Kroger last night for 10 minutes when I heard my name called by an unmistakable voice. I turned to look and it was our Jermaine sitting in his Hov-a-round scooter. He’s too big to walk around the grocery store.

“You’re not buying any melons tonight, are you?” Jermaine asked excitedly.

He was hoping he could help me bless his soul. I was stuck in some kind of weird Deja Vu as it seems we've had this discussion before.

“I was going to get the kind already cut up in the plastic containers,” I told him to placate him somewhat.

“They’ll give you salmonella and they’re never sweet,” he said to my dismay. “Let me pick you out a cantaloupe.”

I played along as we made our way to produce. Jermaine studied quite a few melons as I stood there impatiently and then he handed me one.

“That one is at it’s peak of ripeness,” he told me. “Smell it and feel the skin.”

I sniffed it and graciously told Jermaine thank you. I then quietly escaped to go get my bread and powdered donuts for this week. I noticed Jermaine got himself a melon as well. “Who got the better melon?” I caught myself thinking.

I ended up spending $74 dollars. Just a dollar short of my limit. Dad spent over $100 dollars for which I chastised him playfully.

“Mister big spender,” I told him laughing.

“You are going to benefit from it,” he replied to me huffily.

I noticed he had the fixins for vegetable beef soup and grew excited. He had some frozen vegetable soup starter, some Knox soup flavoring, and a couple of pounds of ground beef. Oh, how I would love some homemade soup and cornbread this week. If you think Campbell’s or Progresso’s soup is good, then dad’s soup would knock your socks off.

The Art of Cantaloupe Sniffing…

Yes, I ran into Jermaine in produce tonight. He explained to me the art of picking the right cantaloupe. I just wanted some bananas.

“Smell that!” he said handing me a cantaloupe. “That one is just right! And feel the skin as well. It has a certain give.”

“Well, you are just a right professor of cantaloupes,” I told him, handing back the melon.

Earlier, as the night began…

“What are you going to spend tonight?” my father asked me on the jaunt across the parking lot.

“Seventy five dollars,” I told him. “I’ve got it all planned out.”

My total came to exactly $75 dollars tonight just as I had said. Dad looked at me astonished as he swiped the debit card.

“Are we still going to do my $100 a month in computer parts?” I asked my father apprehensively as we walked out of Kroger.

“Yes you can,” he said. “Just keep it to $100 and under.”

I was beaming inwardly at my elation. I emailed my parts to Matt as soon as I got home from grocery shopping – just two keyboards, a 3.5mm stereo cable extension, and some thumbscrews.

That Darn Inflation…

<----- I love this stuff more than anything else I buy. Mrs. Grissom’s Select Chicken salad.

I didn’t buy a lot of groceries tonight and it still added up to $72 dollars.

“You sure you have enough?” dad asked me very worriedly.

“I’ll be fine. I will just have to be frugal with what I eat this week,” I replied.

“I am going to do some shopping of my own,” my father told me as I checked out. “You okay getting loaded up?”

“I’ll be fine,” I replied.

I got mainly things to make sandwiches this Kroger visit. It sucks to have to cook for one person and making a sandwich is easy to do and easy to cleanup.

It does seem like groceries get ever more expensive as the months go by, though. I used to could get a lot of groceries on just $65 dollars – enough to last me the week. I guess my eating habits have changed as well. I spent $15 on chicken salad alone tonight.

I still always get a remark from an unfamiliar checkout person about the amount of eggs I buy. That always makes me chuckle. 

We barely missed Jermaine tonight. He was getting in his car and leaving as my father and I walked across the parking lot.

“Dear god, I am glad not to get entangled with Jermaine tonight,” my father said. “It is cold and he would talk for 15 minutes.”

We thanked our lucky stars that he didn't see us.

Green Doodie...

"I bet you never have green doodie," Jermaine told me catching me in Kroger's produce section. "It means you have a lack of potassium in your diet. Bananas are full of potassium."

"That's nice to know, Jermaine," I replied blithely as I grabbed the biggest bunch of slightly green bananas I could find.

Jermaine popped a purple grape into his mouth and said he was going to go see if there were any quick sale specials in the bakery. I got off easy tonight and continued with my shopping with razor sharp focus. I wanted to be finished by the time my father arrived. I quickly finished and was waiting for him up front when he walked in the door.

I didn't do so well tonight grocery shopping price wise. I managed to spend $86 dollars. I didn't mean to and had the grandest aspirations to keep it around $60 dollars again this week. I blame it on the gourmet chicken salad I am so enamored with at the moment and the multitudes of breakfast food I buy every week. My father didn't say anything though and seemed in a chipper and upbeat mood afterwards. I headed to my car in the freezing cold to load up and head home. There was a very brisk northerly wind and the cold just made me frigid and miserable. It was cutting through me like a knife.

"I am going to go get my Honda gassed up," my father told me as we parted ways in the parking lot. "Love you and be careful driving home."

Earlier in the evening, Old Fuss and Feathers and Charlie brought me a great supper.

"It is about time for me to give you another haircut," Charlie noted at my longish locks.

I had slices of barbecued pork roast, sweet potato souffle, some of that wonderful macaroni casserole, and some chicken and dressing. Maggie sat as if frozen in time as she intently watched me eat my meal. I didn't think she would eat the pork with tangy and spicy barbeque sauce all over it, but she scarfed it down despite my worries.

Star Wars Overly Met My Expectations...

Earlier in the day I called my father and told him I was driving down to Auburn to catch the afternoon matinee of Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

"Don't go wild at the concession stand," he told me. "Your account doesn't have much money in it."

I forget about it being the end of the month. He said he was going to run to the bank and deposit $100.

The movie was great in my opinion. I saw the original Star Wars in theaters in 1977 so this was a treat to see old familiar faces and the new faces as well. I was disappointed when Luke didn't get into a light saber brawl with Ben Solo at the end. I wanted to see the petulant and arrogant Ben get an ass-kickin' by a master Jedi.

How Do I Keep Missing Jermaine?

"Don't look now," my father said as I was loading up my car with groceries. "Jermaine just pulled into the parking lot."

We left unscathed without 15 minutes of idle chit-chat. Jermaine didn't see us.

"I can wave him over to talk to us," dad told me snarkily.

"With his girth, he can't walk that far," I replied blithely.

My father got to laughing.

"I know I shouldn't laugh, but the way you said that was hilarious," dad replied.

Not So Thrifty...

Ham Salad

I spent $89 dollars tonight. Much more than I usually do. I went overboard on sweets. They now seem to have my lemon meringue pies in stock on a consistent basis. Thank goodness for managers who listen to their customers. My father has complained and complained.

"At least, you got a lot of Marie's meals," my father said as we stood in the checkout line.

I am addicted to a certain chicken salad that costs $4.99 per canister and I bought four canisters. I also got a big jar of creamy JIF peanut butter which was expensive.

For my four journal writing sodas, I got four Mountain Dew special issue "Holiday Brews". It looked interesting so I decided to give it a try.

My impulse buy was a $3.99 canister of Mrs. Grissom's ham salad. I normally don't like ham, but this product looked interesting and fresh.

I Love it When You Say Soup...

Dad brought me a large Tupperware container of potato soup and a pone of cornbread tonight. I think I am going to quit editing and writing this post and go indulge while the soup and cornbread is still warm.

Jermaine to the Left and Freedom to the Right...

A record-breaking grocery shopping trip tonight. I left the house at nine and returned home at nine thirty. I was a man on a mission tonight and knew exactly what I wanted and where it was at. My only impulse buy was a $1.49 big bottle of cranberry juice cocktail that was on sale. I ended up spending only $71 Papa pleasing dollars.

"I'm headed to the grocery store," I had previously told my father over the phone. "Meet me there and I will probably be finished shopping by the time you arrive."

And I was right! My father came walking into the store as I stood to the side of an aisle ready to check out. I was waiting for him.

Earlier, as I walked into Kroger, I heard Jermaine talking away and I headed in the opposite direction towards produce past the checkout aisles. Bless ya heart good buddy, but I wasn't in the mood for any jibber jabber tonight.

I had a moment of price or pleasure as well. They finally had my lemon meringue pies in stock. Two were left and they were on sale for $4.99. I almost bought two but chickened out fearing it would be too expensive. In hindsight, I should've bought two and thrown caution to the wind.

We Have a Green Light for Grocery Shopping...

I came. I shopped. I only spent $74 dollars. Yes, Papa was proud of me and I still got a lot of food to eat. I am going to have me a Mrs. Grissom's chicken salad sandwich as soon as I finish with this blog post.

Jermaine was lurking in produce when I walked by the stand full of bananas. I grabbed a bunch and snuck off down the potted meat aisle as I call it. I got a six pack of Vienna sausages and some tuna for lunch tomorrow. I've just been on a sandwich kick lately.

I don't want to seem mean to Jermaine, but he will talk incessantly for a good ten to fifteen minutes. About the time it takes for me to do all my shopping. I was in a race against the clock trying to finish all my shopping before my father arrived as he was meeting me there. I wanted a pain and delay free shopping experience tonight.

I left my father as he was going to do some shopping of his own for Thanksgiving. I just have called him from home and told him I forgot Maggie's dog food. He said he would pick me up a bag. He was still in Kroger so that worked out well.

Mrs. Marie Would Be Proud...

Kroger was hopping busy tonight with a lot of employees on duty. Usually, they have a skeleton crew. Dad and I were pretty early in our arrival for shopping, though. I bet it clears out about nine.

I was getting some bananas in produce when I heard a very familiar voice.

"Hey, fella! Are you any good with computers?" Jermaine asked.

Jermaine was getting some grapes which he will eat as he goes about his shopping.

"I know my way around a computer or two," I replied.

"Someone gave me a computer and I got internet installed today," Jermaine said. "It is as slow as Christmas."

"You need to get a better computer most likely or you need to reinstall windows," I told him. "I am sure the internet connection is plenty fast."

Jermaine looked kind of perplexed as I told him to look for a system restore disc and that I still had my shopping to do. I left him as he was popping a white grape into his mouth.

Tonight was the night of Marrie Callendar's meals. I got maybe twenty Marie Callender meals which made my father very happy. I showed him the batter fried fish dinner.

"This lowly and unlikely meal is surprisingly good," I told my father. "They even put cheese on the broccoli."

Dad then had to do some shopping of his own -- things he forgot from his previous shopping in the day.

"Are you going to be able to load up your car okay?" he asked me and I told him to go do his thing.

"I will be fine," I replied.

I spent over $90 dollars and acted coyly dumbstruck. I knew all those meals were going to be expensive. Dad didn't say a word and I didn't offer my two cents as well. We let the matter rest.

Jermaine Reemerges From Hiding...

"Don't look now," my father said with an air of caution. "But here comes Jermaine through the front door."

Jermaine shook my father's hand and then shook my hand telling us how much he had missed us. Jermaine is lumberingly tall and towered over my father and I. We were on our way out of Kroger.

"I started coming at midnight to avoid the crowds," Jermaine told my father as he took his seat on his Hov-a-round.

It was time for shopping Jermaine style.

Dad and I quickly bid Jermaine well and hurriedly headed to our cars. Our reunion was short and sweet.

"I can't believe you got that much groceries for $77 dollars," my father told me astonished as he helped me load up my groceries into the back of my Honda. "You must've gotten 10 Marie Callendar's meals."

"I didn't have to buy my $10 dollars worth of cereal this week," I replied to my father. "I still have last week's cereal to eat."

Dad also noted that I got the biggest bunch of green bananas that has probably ever graced Kroger's produce department.

"I got the value pack," I laughingly told my father. "I am helplessly addicted to bananas at the moment."

Time for Shits and Giggles...

Jermaine caught my father tonight in produce as soon as we walked into Kroger. I grabbed two big bunches of bananas and headed in the other direction by the vegetarian and vegan rabbit food. I was not in the mood idle chit-chat tonight. Sorry Jermaine. I've actually been giving Jermaine a big hug when I usually see him lately and you can tell he relishes it immensely.

"I am looking for ginseng root," Jermaine told my father from his Hov-a-round. "It is supposed to help you lose weight."

I laughed and laughed when father caught me in the cereal aisle.

"I told him he needed to go to Walmart for ginseng root and that there is no magical cure for being obese."

Back to What's at Hand...

My only real impulse buy was a pack of six cold Sunkist strawberry sodas. I enjoy those drinks very much -- my journal writing sodas as my father calls them. And any extraneous sodas I buy. He is usually right. I am nursing a Sunkist right now as I write this and it tastes totally divine.

One nice thing about tonight was that Kroger gallons of milk were on sale for $1.99. I hurriedly put six gallons in my cart. Yes, I will drink them all.

"You must really like milk," the cashier snidely told me.

"They are on sale," my father said, stepping in to defend me.

What's Up? Ah, Just Some Marie Callendar's Lasagna...

We had a short visit tonight at Kroger. I went back to plan A and my total was only $69 dollars. Dad offered and was kind enough to buy Maggie's freeze dried venison and turkey dog food. That stuff is expensive at $14.99 for a small bag. When I pay for it, it really eats up my budget.

No Jermaine tonight. We were pretty early tonight so Jermaine was probably arriving later on. I find him fascinating and good fodder for the blog. I will gladly take a few moments to talk to him when he catches me in his web.

"You seem very serious tonight," I told my father as we walked to our respective cars.

Usually, he is jesting and joking around. He was not bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this evening.

"I spent the day getting your mother's car ready to give to you," he said. "It is probably going to be July when I hand over the keys."

Dad said he wanted to get the 40,000-mile checkup and service at the Honda dealership in Lagrange. He also needed to get the headlight fixed on that Honda. Mom's car was certainly gorgeous tonight with a wash, a wax job, and all that entails detailing a car.

The Charioteer Rides Again in Her Chariot...

I saw this video tonight of mom delivering one of Helen's meals. I shed a few tears but was glad I still had that video.

Juggling Jermaine...

Blogger glittermom said...

Is Monday the only day you can shop? Maybe if you went a different day you wouldn't get waylaid by Jermaine...or is he a daily regular at the store....

Glittermom,

I shop Monday night. Dad doesn't like to shop Tuesdays and Thursdays cause he worked all day. He does his shopping on Wednesday night. This limits our options.

Jermaine usually comes in every night according to one of the cashiers. She said he drives them crazy as well. It's his social outlet and meal for the day. I have an ex-girlfriend who works in the pharmacy and she says that they all scramble out of view when he comes in. Jermaine is a good guy. He just has the gift of the gab and will talk to you for 10 minutes without relent. I think he craves a social outlet. Jermaine is handicapped both mentally and physically and I wish more people realized that.

Andrew

From the Horses Mouth...

Jermaine matter of factly told me tonight from his hov-a-round that I need to drink tea instead of the four gallons of whole milk I drink every week.

"That's why your gaining weight," he said perfunctorily weighing probably 300 pounds himself.

Dad came walking around the corner as Jermaine and I stood by the cold cuts talking.

"Shit!" dad said rather venomously. "We are in a race against the clock and you got caught by Jermaine."

We were trying to get all my groceries before 10:00 PM and the regular lanes with cashiers closed. Our only option to check out then would be the self-checkout lanes.

My only impulse buy was a quart of Promised Land chocolate milk. That stuff is heavenly if you love chocolate and milk like I do.

"You didn't get any frozen meals," my father alarmingly exclaimed as we were checking out.

"It's a sandwich-themed week," I told him. "I got over ten dollars in cold cuts and sandwich bread."

As we were leaving, dad helped me put the groceries in the back of my car.

"Head on home," he said. "I am going back inside to get you some beefaroni and frozen meals. I will see you at your house."