Did Jesus Come in a Boat or Did He Descend From Heaven?

Maggie started to bark in earnest yesterday and then there was a very loud knock on the door. This sent Maggie into a greater state of alarm as she barked ever louder and more frenzied.

“It’s the Mormons,” Tracy said stepping into the computer room. “What should I do?”

“Answer it if you want an earful,” I replied.

Tracy was kind, answered the door, and listened to what they had to say. I could hear Tracy say “good luck” as the boys headed down the steps and to the house next door. She then shut the door.

“What did they tell you?” I asked.

“Oh, just some spiel about Jesus coming to the New World,” Tracy told me. “And how it is chronicled in the book of Mormon.”

“Let me tell you one more thing,” Tracy then said fanning her face and smiling devilishly. “Those boys were hot they were so good looking. One looked like a young Tom Cruise.”

I laughed and told her to not be running off with any Mormon boys on me.

Right Smack in the Middle of the Bible Belt…

Happy Easter to all my Christian friends! Dad’s an atheist, but he celebrates for the sake of the grandkids. He was making a macaroni casserole last night for their big Easter meal today at my sister’s house in Alexander City. I personally don’t participate as I am not a Christian. I like to call myself a secular humanist. Dad raised all us kids with a healthy skepticism and told us to make our own choices. We all went our own ways religion wise. Mom was Catholic, but I am very ignorant of that religion and I am not sure if Catholics celebrate Easter or not. If you do, then Happy Easter to you, too!

Just Your Usual Sunday…

I got up at the ungodly hour of 8 am this morning for no apparent reason other than to wait on Charlie I guess. Within a hour he was here with Maggie’s and my breakfasts.

“I just love your Christmas lights!” Charlie exclaimed.

“Dad said they looked tacky,” I told Charlie with a chuckle.

“Don’t you pay no attention to Mr. Perfect!” Charlie replied smiling.

Charlie thought they were tacky, too. I just know it. He was just being nice.

Charlie was soon gone leaving us heathens to fend for ourselves. Maggie ate her sausage and went and buried her biscuit halves in the backyard as usual. Her nose was all muddy when she came back inside after both trips. I called dad and asked if I could come over after breakfast. He welcomed me over the phone. He was eating his sausage biscuit and drinking his senior coffee when I arrived. We got to talking about how I used to lead the local Methodist church choir when our music director went out of town.

“That’s amazing you could do that back then with all your social phobias,” dad said.

“I used could kill Mrs. Adcock for doing that to me!” I replied with a laugh. “I’d be a nervous wreck. Rachel (ex-wife) got me in all that mess.”

“We need to order your Newegg Christmas tomorrow,” dad then said. “What are you getting?”

“A Gigabyte Radeon Vega 64 video card, some blue lighted fans for my computer case, and a big pack of recordable DVDs,” I replied. “Oh, and a 4K ultra high definition compatible HDMI cable.”

Old Fuss and Feathers had no clue what I was talking about and told me so.

“Be sure to email Matt (pharmacy computer guru) when you get home,” he told me. “We’ll try to get it ordered tomorrow. Call me at the pharmacy and remind me.”

He better bet I will. This will be the first time I will own and install a tier one and also a company flagship video card. I just pray it will work in my computer. They recommend at least a 750 watt power supply and that’s exactly what I’ve got in my main gaming rig. I am going to be just squeaking by on that requirement.

Look What the Cat Drug In…

Wait! I don’t have a cat! Charlie and Papa were extra early with supper tonight. Charlie came pulling up to the curb around 6:30 pm. It caught Maggie and I both off guard. Maggie put on a good show of affection once we realized Charlie’s car was here.

“The time change has gotten me all mixed up,” Charlie said. “Your daddy was ready to go so we just headed out early.”

Usually, they get here in between eight and nine.

“Maggie’s singing,” I told my father as he played the piano.

“You sing about Jesus, girl!” dad hollered at Maggie as he continued to play.

♫♫ Tell Me a Story About Jesus ♫♫

Maggie was just a howling away as my father played and sang a pious hymn.

Charlie was in my kitchen being a busybody gathering all my trash and empty mayonnaise jars. He also checked my heating and air filter to see if it needed changing.

“It will make your blower motor run hot and hard if you don’t change it regularly,” Charlie told me.

“I can’t believe you fixed that television,” dad said after he finished the hymn he was playing. “I’ve forgotten how good a picture it has.”

“I know,” I replied. “Doesn’t it look good? That’s the nicest television I have ever owned.”

I showed him the part I replaced and he told me to show it to Charlie as well.

“I told your brother yesterday that you could have made a good living doing that kind of thing,” my father told me.

Maggie and I were sad to see them go. The house goes from 90 miles an hour to dead quiet when they leave. It is as if the very essence of life is sucked out of my home. They both had meals to eat as well and we can’t forget Horsefly’s chicken tenders. That’s the whole reason we do this every Sunday morning and night.

Make Haste! Make Haste! For There Are Others to Feed…

I made it easy on Charlie and Old Fuss and Feathers tonight. I ordered a 3 piece box of KFC. They didn’t have to drive down and pick up pizzas. I got two breasts and a wing so Maggie got one breast and is a very happy and satiated dog. I carefully picked the meat off the bones as usual. No bones for Maggie!

Dad got to playing the piano once they arrived. Charlie was emptying the trash and getting Maggie a fresh bowl of water.

“Come on!” Charlie said. “We’ve got to go! Horsefly is waiting on his chicken fingers!”

“Let me finish this hymn,” Old Fuss and Feathers said as he continued to play.

He was playing Tell Me the Story of Jesus.

“Goddammit, John! We’ve got to go!” Charlie barked at my father one more time.

Dad finally relinquished control of the piano and they were gone just like that. The house was quiet again with just the whir of my computers to keep me company. Maggie is like a ghost when all is well. She will sneak out of a room and return without you knowing it. She’s full and sleepy and laying on the computer room rug as I’ve started to play some chillstep/future garage music on YouTube.

Let the Challenge Begin…

Oh Dear! The Mormons are Here!

Maggie started to bark apeshit bananas. I looked out the window and said "Oh shit!" myself. The Mormons were here. I called my father.

"Dad? The Mormons are knocking on my door!" I told him. "What should I do?"

"Hide in the bedroom and Maggie will chase them off," he replied.

We both burst out laughing. Soon, they were on their way. Poor George. He was getting hit next. Knowing George's gruff nature, he didn't give them the time of day.

Well, it took Maggie 30 minutes to quit barking viciously. By this time she was outside and barking. I heard George tell her to "Hush!!!" as he sat in his car and smoked a cigarette.

Comment Replies...

Blogger PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

So, did you vote today?

What are your thoughts on Moore? Even though I doubt it will happen, I sure as hell hope he loses the election.

PipeTobacco

Andrew Replies...

Pipe, I sure did. Thou shalt not vote for Moore. The polls are just a few streets away from me. I would be remiss not to vote on such an important issue. Moore getting elected would be like setting us back to the stone age as far as jurisprudence is concerned. Moore got his start putting the ten commandments on the courthouse grounds and thankfully they were taken down. It was his claim to fame and put him in the national spotlight. He is a religious bigot and should be treated as such.

The PIN Code to Family -- Access Denied...

My father went to my sister's house in Alex City this afternoon. The introvert in me remained introverted today despite being invited to come. They were going to take the boat out on the lake which the kids just love. My father says my brother-in-law's boat is very nice and a real speed demon. He said they may even do some water skiing -- something I could never master.

"Is Charlie bringing my medications?" I asked my father over the phone this afternoon on a hope and a prayer.

Please god? Jesus? That can even get this old staunch secular humanist praying.

"I am bringing them and I am bringing you something to eat as well," my father told me.

My head sunk into my chest just like Admiral Akbar in Star Wars when they destroyed the super star destroyer except Akbar's was out of relief and mine is out of consternation. This usually means I will get my medications around 11 PM. I just hope my father doesn't drink and drive. My sister and brother both will have enough sense to keep that from happening.

My father asked me the other day how I knew he had been drinking even though he wasn't slurring his words. He got really defensive about it.

"You can smell it on you!" I exclaimed very excitably. "You smell like a brewery. It comes out of your pores and with your breath."

Charlie Brings Sustenance...

I was just over at my father's house. We were listening to Handel's Messiah in the library. He manically wrote it in 11 days dad said.

Dad's an atheist, but he loves the music and art inspired by churches and religions everywhere.

Well, here comes Charlie down the driveway. He had just gotten off of work and made the arduous drive back to the Valley.

"John, I've got you two Chic-fil-a sandwiches and Andrew I bought two for you as well," Charlie told us. "I was just fixing to head to your house, Andrew."

Dad immediately ate his sandwiches saying how delicious they were. I had to wait to eat mine since I just took my medications moments before Charlie arrived.

Chicken Scratchin' For My Medications...

Oh, joy! Medication time! The head honcho has just left the premises. Papa was in a very talkative and excitable mood tonight. He said they had every screwball imaginable come in the pharmacy today. Pill counters, crazy Lortab partakers, methadone minions, etc.

Dad likes old Christian hymns despite being an atheist. He loves to play them on the baby grand in the front room of his house. I found a choir/vocal version of May the Circle Be Unbroken and we both loved it. I played it to him on my home theater in the den with my iPod.

"Can you burn me a copy?" he asked thinking he had asked for a long shot.

"Give me just a minute," I told him and I stepped into the computer room and burned it in Redbook audio so it would play in his car.

Dad was also watching A and E's Intervention when he left his house to come over here.

"Talking to them is not going to work. Treatment centers are not going to work," he told me. "You have to take draconian measures to stop the addiction. You start by getting power of attorney and taking away the money!"

"I like social visits, but aren't you forgetting something?" I asked him as he got up to leave after his little speech.

"Oh shit!" my father exclaimed. "I didn't give you your medications!"

Dad and I both walked out to his Honda so I could make sure the compact disc would play on his stereo. Soon, we were hearing sweet tunes. I am very pleased he liked that.

Happy Easter!

To all my Christian friends!

Help is on the way. My medications were taken over 20 minutes ago so they will soon be in my bloodstream in another 40 minutes (about 11 PM). It was 10 PM before my father arrived and I had just broken out in tears. Stiff upper lip as the British say as I acted like everything was fine.

"Your glasses are fogged up," my father told me.

"Oh, it is nothing," I replied as I wiped them on my sleeve.

I got a big plate of Easter fixing's and my father also brought a Big Mac value meal and my six diet sodas for the day.

"Eat your Big Mac and be sure to put your Easter meal in the fridge for tomorrow. Janice made her deviled eggs and I know how you feel about those."

Jesus is Listening...

"Aunt Sarah said last night that Easter is originally based off a Pagan fertility ritual," the little kid said in front of me as we walked towards the entrance of Kroger. "The eggs and bunnies prove it!"

"You hush all that now!" the mother said. "I am going to have to have a talk with your aunt!"

I got this big grin on my face as I grabbed a basket to go buy some Papa approved Kroger candy this afternoon. I was trying to get my mind off my current mental predicament.

I got a big bag of Hershey's kisses for a dollar off and several bags of Hershey's miniatures. I didn't make it back to my car before I was already popping a Hershey's kiss in my mouth. Ah, heaven!

Don't Pass Go and Don't Collect $200...

Today has been a tough and arduous day for me. They craftily made the word mental illness for how I have felt today. It has been way past 24 hours since I took yesterday's medications and I believe that is the culprit. I have really felt it as well -- feeling a nervous state of mental agitation, some confusion, and general unwellness. I just called my father at 7 PM and he was still at the pond with the kids in Waverly. I think I lost all hope then that things will get better anytime soon.

Something to Look Foward To...

I can't play it until tonight and my medications take effect, but I am ready to play Final Fantasy IV with an emulator and my new birthday SNES game controller. It will be its maiden voyage. Yes, something to get excited about!

Finis, Goodbyes, and Farewells...

http://www.wisegeek.com/

Mr. Bradshaw, the minister at the funeral service today, quoted my somewhat interesting words regarding my mother and heaven. Dad loves to hear me say it as well. He says I have an insight to my mother's actions and thoughts that they are clueless about.

"John's eldest son said god has a new secretary today and there are appointments to be made in heaven."

I can imagine my mother looking at her celestial and heavenly calendar making appointments. I told dad we are going to have to pencil in his heartworm medications as well. LOL! Mom was always so stalwart and fastidious about Maggie getting her medications.

Groceries? There is absolutely nothing to eat in this house. I am hoping Charlie will call me and then we will head to Kroger. I am not brave enough  just to go get them and use my debit card. Dad doesn't need any more hassles or worries today as well. 

Let's Kneel Before the Altar and Give Thanks...

http://www.chatsports.com/

They smugly say football is a religion in the South. I firmly and steadfastly believe it. Especially when it comes to my father, brother-in-law, and my brother. A lost game can mean surliness, ill tempers, and depression for a week. If they win, then the champagne is uncorked and flows freely.

If I had a choice, I would rather go sit on one of those hard aluminum stadium seats watching men in tights toss a ball around instead of sitting in a stuffy old church somewhere on a dusty pew.

Tonight is the first game of the season for the Auburn Tigers and there is an electric tingling in the air here in the Southland and the plains of Alabama.

Malfunction Junction...

Well, I was driving over to get my sodas when I passed dad coming the other direction from my house. I looked into my rear view mirror to see him turning around. My father had tried to administer my medications before driving to Auburn and the game. He won't be back home until after midnight tonight. I was gone and nowhere to be found. My father couldn't get my mother to answer the phone either.

"I got deeply and seriously worried about you," my father said looking relieved as I let him inside the front door. "You are always at home -- you and the Mags."

He gave me a big heartfelt bear hug and then we took my many medications.

"Welcome to the hermitage," I told my father with a laugh after the first gulp of medications were down the gullet. "Even hermits have to have a cola or two sometimes."

My father also had a sack with another McDonald's double quarter pounder with cheese inside. My favorite beau as far as hamburgers are concerned lately.

"Go get you some sunscreen at CVS," I told my father like a doting mother. "You are fair skinned like me and will be crispy and well done a few hours after tailgating without it."

Gonna End Up a Big Old Pile of Them Bones...

I know it's kinda macabre, but my father and I were discussing death and the afterlife this morning. Dee's funeral Sunday prompted this.

"It is very scary to some people that there is nothingness after they die," he told me told me very animatedly. "There is no afterlife at all when you take that 'celestial' dirt nap."

My father is a weird kind of Atheist. He loves to go to church to listen and participate in music. He just takes the proselytizing about Jesus with a grain of salt.

"That's why we've got over 4000 different religions on this planet," I replied. :"They call it the God part of the brain."

Dad went off on this long winded diatribe that obtaining immortality is via your genes.

"I guess that's is why I am a genetic dead end?" I asked him when our discussion moved on to Darwin and evolution.  .

I reiterated my desire to be be cremated and poured into our little lake. I also wrote about one of my cardinal sins which is to never discuss politics and religion on the blog.

It's Easy Like Sunday Morning...

http://tourntravelplanner.com/

Rise and gloriously shine oh denizens of the of this forward leaning hemisphere and the internet!

The sun is shining brilliantly brightly this hot summer's day in the South. It is already 90° degrees and it is only 11pm. People are surely adorning their best Sunday attire and heading to church. I am glad I am not African American as their church services often last for 3 hours or more in the South. I will have squirmed out of my pew by then if I was still a child. My grandmother would say I had ants in my pants and rightly so.

Charlie brought Maggie and I sausage biscuits again this morning like we have been doing for years now. Maggie was my house proximity alarm and squealed when Charlie arrived as I was sound asleep. We were on the no frills economy biscuit program today. I am certainly enjoying my jumbo Coke (my favorite part of this ritual). It is always a cherished sight to see that Caprica parked out in front of my house. No hair jokes today as we were strictly business. I will see Charlie again for Fried Chicken Sundays tonight. We welcome our fried chicken loving overlords!

I feel as if I am thinking out of the box suddenly as I want one of those large $5 pepperoni pizzas this Sunday night. I will just have to wait and see what kind of mood my father is in this evening. The deep deep dish pepperoni pizza is only $7 dollars as well.

On Cloud 9...

I love this photo of Iris. She is so gorgeous.

My father certainly was a busy and upbeat fellow tonight. Maggie went and sat out on the outside deck he made her so nervous. He was laughing loudly and talking really loudly as well. He wanted me to pull up all my relatives on Facebook. He finally took the helm of my computer as I wasn't browsing fast enough. The grandkids and photos of them hold a special place in his heart.

He will not join Facebook because he says he will be inundated with friend requests.

"You need to set up a stealth Facebook account called Jimmy Reese who lives in Milwaukee," I told him with an amused smile. "And then you can very selectively choose what friends to have with your alias."

"Play that Iris DeMent song for me one more time!" dad then exclaimed before leaving. "Turn it up! Now wouldn't that get all the religious folks stirred up around here in the South?"

"To confound the Christians," I added. "She also plays a lot of religious songs as well."

"Play May the Circle Be Unbroken next," my father urged me. "Momma would have liked that! She always said it was too sad for funerals, though."

I was just in the kitchen getting a Coke after dad had left when Maggie poked her head inside the dog door. "Coast clear? Is the madman gone?" she seemed to impart and I started smiling. She crawled back through the dog door and went and got on the bed.

Pre Sup Musings...

"Let's get Wendy's tonight," my mother said to me sitting on my parent's back deck this afternoon.

She said it with this Gidget-like gusto and chirpiness that made me smile.

"Get me the #2 combo w/cheese and a large Coke," I told my father who was sitting beside me.

"A double?" my father scoffed.

"I'll take the #1 combo regular sized," my mother, The Secretary, happily exclaimed.

"Why don't you two get KFC anymore?" dad asked. "That was so much more simple."

"I don't see how you've been able to eat it this long," I replied with a blech!

"Next week we will get Captain D's," mom told my father.

I expected my father to balk as it is very expensive for all of us to eat there.  He seemed happy with the idea.

The Church Bus to Heaven...

I left my parent's house and headed downtown.  We still have two bridges out causing my course from my parent's house to mine to be rather convoluted.  There was this biggest Church of Christ bus sitting in the parking lot below Fred's Super Dollar. I called my father on my cell phone.

"Y'all better get down here and catch this bus to heaven," I told him. "It is the biggest church bus I have ever seen and it is filling up fast."

Dad burst out laughing with my mother asking him what was so funny.

image credit:  http://www.wjer.com/Contests/Wendys-What-Year-Was-It

Monkey See? Monkey Do…

I was just in a forum about evolution. This antagonistic guy wrote that he didn’t evolve from no damn monkeys as if he was very offended by science inferring that. You could tell he was very agitated. He cited several verses in the bible’s old testament about how life came to be and its origins.  I deplore willful ignorance and utter stupidity like that.  We didn’t evolve from monkeys I wrote back, but we did evolve from a common ancestor millions and millions of years ago. We’re just different branches of a family tree like the Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon. A bonobo’s DNA is 99% similar to our own as well. I, for one, welcome our grand monkey overlords. 

Photo Credit:   https://stealthismeme.wordpress.com/human-evolution-chart/