The Handcuff Dilemma…

Dad and I were talking this morning about Horsefly and when he had a fetish for handcuffs.

“Your son has that retarded boy handcuffed to the back fence,” Irene Crouch called my father from across the street.

She was our nosey elderly neighbor and sounded irate. Well, Horsefly was laughing up a storm and loving every minute of it.

“He likes it,” dad told Irene. “He has a thing for handcuffs and being handcuffed to things.”

One time we handcuffed Horsefly to our bike and lost the key. All pandemonium ensued. Jimmy James, Charlie’s nephew, had to come gingerly cut Horsefly free with a grinder. Horsefly loved it and laughed the whole time. Dad laughed and laughed as well as we reminisced about that moment this morning.

Clark Brother’s Meats…

As soon as I can get it together, Dad and I are driving up to Clark Brother’s Meats in Roanoke, Alabama to pick up some of their wonderful sausage and their delectable hoop cheddar cheese. Dad’s also getting his hair cut this morning as well. They use only animals and products they have raised on their own land. Dad also hopes to pick up some ribeye or t-bone steaks to grill if they have some that are pretty and marbled. I told him the butchers can cut him some steaks to order.  Dad’s never been and doesn’t know how to get there. I have taken my great aunt many times as it is her favorite place to “shop”. She calls it the “meat house” which always sounds like some kind of porno flick to me.

Welcomed Guests and More to Come…

Charlie was telling me tonight that he doesn’t have to do so much for me these days now that I am in control of my medications. Charlie would always have to bring my meds on the holidays or when dad was at a ballgame or out of town for some reason. He would also bring me something to eat and drink as usual.

“I was telling your daddy the same thing tonight,” he said. “We both agreed it was a good sign that you're doing well.”

“I take those medications religiously these days, Charlie,” I replied. “I think I do better now than I have in years.”

Charlie agreed giving me many accolades.

“You are like a different person, Andrew,” he said. “You volunteer, you don’t drink anymore, you keep a tidy house, you’re dating somebody, and you take your medications.”

Horsefly was pacing the house as we talked. He then got fixated on all the myriad of colorful old computer parts I have on a shelf in the computer room. I can’t bring myself to throw them away – always thinking of making an old Windows 98 machine. He wanted one to take with him. I gave him an old network interface card. I hated to part with it, but it was my least desirable part.

“How is Tracy doing?” Charlie then asked me after he thanked me for accommodating Horsefly.

“My girl is busy,” I replied with a smile as I sat back down in the den. “She works a full day five days a week and goes to class Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights.”

“What is she going to school for?” asked Charlie.

“She wants to be a veterinary technician,” I replied. “She takes a lot of classes I couldn’t pass like chemistry. She’s pretty smart book wise.”

“You know that’s how I got my accounting degree,” Charlie said. “I worked in the mill during the day and took classes at night.”

“Well, we are headed to the bowling alley,” Charlie said. “Do you want to go bowling with us?”

“I better pass,” I told Charlie with a wink. “I am hoping some company will arrive tonight.”

A sly grin formed on Charlie’s face.

“Come on Horsefly. Let’s get you down at the bowling alley.”

Horsefly mumbled something incomprehensible and headed to Charlie’s car at the curb. Charlie gave me a hug goodbye and they were on their way.

Dearest Maggie, I Am So Sorry!

Maggie woke me up at seven sitting in the doorway to my bedroom and barking loudly. She was trying to rouse me from sleep. Then she started to make those mewling noises I know all too well. Her dog door was locked. It had been locked since the meter reader came yesterday. I have this mental block when it concerns her locked dog door for some reason.

“Come on, girl,” I said sleepily. “Let’s let you out for a potty break.”

Maggie’s such a good dog and will hold it with the best of them. I opened the dog door and Maggie shot out of it like a bullet. She really had to go something fierce. I know she had to be terribly uncomfortable. I feel like such a schmuck.

Sticks and Clothes Hangers? What’s This?

Charlie and Horsefly stopped by again for a short visit last night. Horsefly had a wire clothes hanger and was transfixed as he waved it in front of his chest mesmerized by the motion it made.

“What’s this?” I asked Charlie clandestinely.

“He was doing it with sticks he found in the yard and I guess he moved up in the world getting a clothes hanger,” Charlie replied with a chuckle.

Horsefly continued to pace around the house as he briskly waved that clothes hanger in front of him.

Let Them Eat Chicken...

You know Putin is laughing his ass off that they got that buffoon in the oval office. Divide and conquer as the old saying goes. It certainly has polarized our country.

*********************

"I hope that's hookers and beer in the back seat and not our Horsefly," I told Charlie as he sat in his car gathering my and Maggie's supper.

Dad and Charlie had just pulled up in front of my house with Sunday night fried chicken. Charlie burst out laughing. Horsefly mimicked Charlie's laugh heartily like an automaton.

"You look like hookers and beer," my father said chuckling as he escaped the passenger's side of Charlie's Caprica.

Dad had remembered my Cokes and smokes for which I was so very relieved and happy. He can be a tad bit forgetful at times. I had three cigarettes left and was starting to sweat in nervousness.

"I didn't do so well cleaning wise this week," I told our Charlie sounding sorrowful. "I haven't felt well mentally this afternoon."

Maggie was busy following Horsefly as he paced from room to room turning the lights on and off. My toilet got flushed a quite a few times as well. Horsefly's language skills continue to deteriorate. His conversations to himself were a jumble of staccato words I could barely make out.

Charlie had the kitchen clean and the trash gathered in a matter of minutes.

"It wasn't bad at all," Charlie told me walking back into the den carrying one gigantic trash bag.

That was my father's cue to get up and leave after being fixated with the television.

"Love you Jon-Tom," Charlie told me with his pet name for me and they were gone.

Maggie and I have a pact. I get a few bites of our chicken pot pie and I give her the rest. It is currently cooling on the kitchen counter.

He Shoots! He Scores!

Maggie started whining and yelping loudly from in the den. I looked up from my computer and Charlie was here. What a nice surprise. He was carrying a Zaxby's box as he walked across the yard. I hurried to the front door.

"I thought you could use some more chicken," Charlie said smiling with a laugh.

I would be a fool to complain about the chicken. Zaxby's tenders are 10X tastier than the KFC chicken strips and the Zaxby's sauce rocks!

"Your daddy said you shopped at the Piggly Wiggly last night," Charlie then told me. "I have never liked Kroger since they banned Horsefly from coming in and getting his shaving cream -- said he was scaring the customers. Janice and I shop at Givorn's."

Charlie wanted to check the filter on my heating and air. He wrote down the dimensions and was soon on his way again. Charlie's visits are fleeting, but much enjoyed.

"I'll be back in about an hour with you a new filter," Charlie said escaping through the front door.

Our Wild Weather...

If you can believe it, it got up to 68°F or about 19° degrees Celsius today. It was 43° degrees and raining when I was loading up my car with groceries last night. I wore shorts and a t-shirt to go get my cigarettes off my father's back porch. Samantha was on the back deck basking in the sun thoroughly enjoying this weather. Could I wish for a thundershower reminiscent of summer?

My Cherished and Dear Friend...

Charlie is a "feeder". He takes great satisfaction out of surprising you with a good meal and your enjoyment of it all. I wasn't paying too much attention to the outside world this afternoon and Maggie was asleep on the bed. I had a knock on the door and it surprised me and completely surprised Maggie as well. Beta Dog had returned for a short visit. Maggie began to put up a fuss!

"Here's you two Whoppers for $6 dollars," Charlie said handing me the fast food sack. "I want to step inside and see if my kitchen and bathroom are still clean."

I laughed and welcomed Charlie inside.

"Your daddy says you need your closets cleaned and your old clothes thrown out," Charlie told me. "We will tackle that this weekend."

Charlie looked into my computer room and said I needed to organize the huge shelves I have in there harboring computer parts and countless Model Railroaders going back to the 1930s.

Charlie then soon left to go get Horsefly's chicken strips meal and then to take him bowling. Charlie never stops and his car is rarely turned off. I worry he is going to burn out one of these days.

Horsefly and the Handcuffs...

Horsefly and my brother and sister.

Horsefly's had many fixations over the years. Thank goodness he is no longer fixated on urinals and urinal cakes. Currently, he is fixated on cans of shaving cream and plush Yoda dolls. Dora the Explorer is passe now.

When we were kids, one of his fixations was police issue handcuffs. Charlie would have to call and search for the real deal or there was hell to pay. Horsefly didn't accept plastic, toy handcuffs.

One call for Handcuffs by Charlie resulted in the proprietor saying you and your wife must be going to have some kinky fun.

"Dammit!" Charlie said. "They are for my son."

One time, my brother and I handcuffed him to the fence in the backyard. Mean old Mrs. Irene across the road called my father and complained to him we had that poor retarded boy handcuffed to the fence.

"He loves it!" dad told Mrs. Irene. "He wouldn't have it any other way."

Horsefly was standing out there laughing joyously like only he can laugh.

There were many occasions were Horsefly would get handcuffed to something and the key would get lost. Charlie would have to call the real Police to come and get him loose.