Running the Gamut of My Mental Illness...

"What is the biggest way your mental illness affects you?" my nurse, Rebecca, asked me this morning in a moment of candidness.

"I am constantly scared of being in mental misery and anguish," I told her. "That's is why I am so keen on and aggravating to my father about my medications."

"Blunted emotions and empathy, too!" I then blurted out and added. "I couldn't cry when my own mother died."

My injection was extremely painful this morning, but I didn't show it. I gritted my teeth and smiled -- stiff upper lip as the British would say. It would've worried Rebecca to death if I told her. I hugged her goodbye as Dee Dee met me at the door with my next appointment card. They take really good care of me at Kamath Medical.

"Can we beat Georgia twice?" Dee Dee asked of the SEC championship game.

"I'm already nervous," I told her faining interest.

I was also riding solo this morning. Dad was off of work by a fluke change of plans and left me to handle the injection on my own. I showed up at his house with the next appointment card and the receipt for the injection and he was so ecstatic about my being able to handle all of that on my own accord.

"You've come a damn long way, son," he told me as I stood at his back door.

"Medications at 1 pm or 2 pm?" I asked unabashedly and my father said that was okay.

I also urged him to call WOW! and see what the holdup is. That's been going on for a month now and I am tired of waiting. He said he would give them a call this afternoon.

A Shot in the Dark...

My father has this incredible and insatiable need to stay in control. I think it comes from running a pharmacy for 47 years. I am going to ask him to let me keep my medications and have him stop by every day to see if I am taking them as prescribed. That way I can take my morning and noon medications, and nightly medications as intended.  I know it is a shot in the dark, but I am going to give it the good college try. If I could just explain to him and convince him that it would increase the quality of my life tenfold.

My Experience With Dating...

"Like an angry apple tree, I'll throw my apples if you get too close to me."

-- Ingrid Michaelson from her song Locked Up.

The Dawn of Yawny...

Yes, my name is Yawny this foggy, overcast morning. The Magster and I have just gotten up and I am nursing a diet Coke hoping the caffeine will jolt me into life. I was very pleased this morning when I realized I had three left from last night. Conservation is my friend.

Maggie and I were sitting in the den waiting for my father to arrive with medications last evening until a car pulled up. We both grew very excited. It wasn't my father, though. It was actually Charlie. Maggie redoubled her barking efforts. Beta Dog!

"We are going to super clean every room of your house starting tonight," Charlie told me holding a big bucket full of cleaning supplies. "And you've got to do your part to keep it that way."

"Sir! Yes, Sir!" I replied in salute and in military fashion as Charlie chuckled.

I thought my bathroom was pretty clean, but Charlie worked on it for a good hour and a half. He was a sweaty mess when he finished. I couldn't complain, but it messed up my nightly after medication routines. I can be just a little anally retentive sometimes. Blame it on my mother.

Dad finally arrived on the scene and had returned from buying me cigarettes and picking Horsefly up from the bowling alley. He hung out until Charlie was finished after we had taken my medications. I had a house full last night. Horsefly was going back and forth to every room turning the lights on and off. One time, Horsefly left my father and I sitting in the dark to the harsh glow of the television.

I noticed Maggie sat out in the backyard and barked the whole time. Maggie, bless her nervous soul, can't take all that noise Charlie was making -- the scraping and the scrubbing. She was also worried she might get a bath as well which she hates. If you run the water to the tub, then she is out that dog door in a split second.

My Best Amateurish Efforts...

It is Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas...

The outside Christmas lights are up and lit. I'll put up a photo after dark. It is amateurish at best unlike my father's refined and frou frou Christmas decor that I've got to help him put up this weekend. Putting up his Christmas decorations is meticulous and tiresome. We need to breathe some fun into like pass out cocktails to an audience who can cajole and heckle us.

I am going to override my father and buy my Christmas tree Saturday. I can't wait to put it up. I will have to get some of that Christmas tree preserver and keep it well watered. I have a very nice stand to put in on with a large water reservoir.

When I was a kid, my mother began taking down the Christmas decorations Christmas night. We would get in the biggest fights over that. I will leave them up to New Year's Day.

"Martha, let them enjoy Christmas," I can hear my father say in my mind's eye.

Mom wasn't having any of that. She wanted it done and over with.

That Meddling Mental Illness...

The cycling continues. A few weeks ago, I couldn't sleep at all and now I sleep all night.  And? The Magster and I took a 5-hour nap this afternoon. I hope I sleep tonight, though. The Magster loved us piling up in the bed and sleeping like that. I was just going to take a quick nap as I got up at 7 am and that is early for me.

Jermaine to the Left and Freedom to the Right...

A record-breaking grocery shopping trip tonight. I left the house at nine and returned home at nine thirty. I was a man on a mission tonight and knew exactly what I wanted and where it was at. My only impulse buy was a $1.49 big bottle of cranberry juice cocktail that was on sale. I ended up spending only $71 Papa pleasing dollars.

"I'm headed to the grocery store," I had previously told my father over the phone. "Meet me there and I will probably be finished shopping by the time you arrive."

And I was right! My father came walking into the store as I stood to the side of an aisle ready to check out. I was waiting for him.

Earlier, as I walked into Kroger, I heard Jermaine talking away and I headed in the opposite direction towards produce past the checkout aisles. Bless ya heart good buddy, but I wasn't in the mood for any jibber jabber tonight.

I had a moment of price or pleasure as well. They finally had my lemon meringue pies in stock. Two were left and they were on sale for $4.99. I almost bought two but chickened out fearing it would be too expensive. In hindsight, I should've bought two and thrown caution to the wind.

One Diamond, One Heart...

My current music fixation is the Smashing Pumpkin's Oceania. I have always been a big fan of the Smashing Pumpkins since the 90's. I have already listened to this album I bet twenty times. I didn't like their last album, Zeitgeist, nearly as well as this album. This album reminds me of the Smashing Pumpkin's eclectic album Siamese Dream.

Bjork also has an album called Oceania by the way. I remember it being strange sounding and avant garde as only Bjork can produce.

I jumped the gun...

I couldn't wait any longer and drove over to my father's house at 1:45 pm to get my medications. It amused my father and he told me I was just as impetuous as my dear departed mother.

Call Me Mr. Clean...

A past Christmas tree at Andrew's

Last night was the deadline for getting my whole house sparkling clean. I've been working on it all week in spurts. I was a flurry of busy activity all day yesterday. Charlie and my father were dazzled and more so bedazzled when they saw my house last night as they brought my Sunday evening supper. Of course, Charlie found something to clean as well and worked on my bathroom sink for a good while. The bathroom was the hardest room to tackle for me. It looked like a bunch of homeless people took a bath in my sink.

"I'm ready to go home and eat my fried chicken before it gets too cold," my father told me grumbling as we sat in the den watching the Weather Channel.

He said that last week as well as Charlie cleaned my kitchen and took out the trash.

Charlie was doing his thing. He is the master of cleaning. I will never forget when my dishwasher leaked and Charlie had the water cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Boy, did he come in the nick of time.

Today, I am putting up my Christmas decorations in the front yard and on the front of the house. I started last night, but I got cold and came inside. I have to wait awhile for my Christmas tree as I like live trees and it would get too dry by Christmas if I get one now. Dad just told me to wait two more weeks.

"Let me know when is a good time for you to give me my medications," I just told my father very delicately.

"Let's make it 2 pm," he told me which thrilled me to death.

It will make for a nice relaxed afternoon and a good primer for getting my groceries tonight. As part of the conditions of cleaning my house, my father is supposed to go out to WOW!'s office to see what is taking them so long today, but I didn't push the issue. He's content watching that ballgame all day on YouTube and I will let him be. #6 Auburn beat #1 Alabama and it was like Christmas come early for my father and brother.

Comment Replies...

Blogger glittermom said...

I thought you were taking them earlier in the day? Or is that just random?

Andrew Replies...

Glittermom, it can be kind of random depending on what is going on around us. The BMW usurped my medications the other day. I will probably take them this afternoon sometime since my father is home all day. Charlie always brings them around two or three in the afternoon which is much appreciated.

Because He's My Main Man....

One of the worst feelings in the world. 

The head honcho himself has just left the premises.  We got Whoppers and onion rings for today's treat. We also got one hell of a gigantic coke much to my supreme delight.

Yes, it was Charlie. He had been painting his new house and his clothes had paint all over them. I rushed out to the car excited to greet him as Maggie barked fervently inside as well.

"Are you taking Horsefly to the movies?" I asked seeing the paint.

"I paid Mrs. Sandra to take him for me," Charlie replied.

Mrs. Sandra was my mother's best friend and she is getting my car when my father finally hands over the keys to mom's car which he says will be soon.

"Hey, Mr. Charles!" I loudly said smiling as he laughed.

One thing about Charlie is that he trusts me unlike my father. Charlie just put all my numerous medications in a Ziploc bag and handed them to me. He didn't come inside to make sure I took them.

It also makes me realize that I take a shit load of medications when you look at the bag. I didn't realize it, but I take five Klonopin every day. No wonder I get withdrawal symptoms when I don't get them in a timely manner every afternoon or evening.

"I just got a ticket driving Erin's car for having an expired tag," Charlie told me with a frown before he drove off. "I went over and got your daddy's car."

That explained why Charlie was in my father's Honda.

Comment Replies...

Blogger PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

What is the cause of Horsefly' s handicap? Is it a birth defect, a genetic disorder, or were there severe complications with delivery that deprived him of oxygen?

PipeTobacco

Andrew Replies...

Pipe, the consensus is that his umbilical cord got wrapped around his neck during birth depriving his brain of oxygen. I do believe there is some autism in Horsefly as well.

Horsefly and the Handcuffs...

Horsefly and my brother and sister.

Horsefly's had many fixations over the years. Thank goodness he is no longer fixated on urinals and urinal cakes. Currently, he is fixated on cans of shaving cream and plush Yoda dolls. Dora the Explorer is passe now.

When we were kids, one of his fixations was police issue handcuffs. Charlie would have to call and search for the real deal or there was hell to pay. Horsefly didn't accept plastic, toy handcuffs.

One call for Handcuffs by Charlie resulted in the proprietor saying you and your wife must be going to have some kinky fun.

"Dammit!" Charlie said. "They are for my son."

One time, my brother and I handcuffed him to the fence in the backyard. Mean old Mrs. Irene across the road called my father and complained to him we had that poor retarded boy handcuffed to the fence.

"He loves it!" dad told Mrs. Irene. "He wouldn't have it any other way."

Horsefly was standing out there laughing joyously like only he can laugh.

There were many occasions were Horsefly would get handcuffed to something and the key would get lost. Charlie would have to call the real Police to come and get him loose.

Someone Please Save this Poor Wretched Soul...

It happened again. I need my medications mid-afternoon instead of late in the evening when they are normally brought. I realize I am completely addicted to these psychiatric medications for my well being. Sometimes they leave my bloodstream faster than other days. I have that feeling of uneasiness like I am about to have an anxiety attack. It is a miserable, wretched feeling.

Well, I just called my father to ask if I can come and take my medications.

"I'm having trouble with the BMW and I'm at the dealership in Columbus," he told me sounding solemn.

It felt like someone stuck a dagger in my heart -- like a bolt of electricity surging through me.

"I will call you when I get home," he told me. "And you can come and take them."

That could be hours from now. My head is hung low in defeat.

The Cavalry Couldn't Have Arrived Sooner...

I've got to start going to my family functions. I need a nice haircut, shave, and some nice clothes. I also quite possibly need the right frame of mind as well.

I got so lonely here today by myself and Maggie slept the whole day away without a care in the world. She slept until I mentioned Charlie was coming tonight. She then got in the window on the back of the couch and held vigil.

Charlie finally arrived at 7 pm and I have never been so grateful to see such a soul. The cavalry, as I love to call it, had arrived.

"Andrew!!!" Charlie excitedly hollered from his granddaughter's car as I walked out to help him bring everything inside.

He had his hands full of stuff for me. I had a big plate of Thanksgiving food from lunch, two regular Coca-Colas, a bag of ice, six diet Coca-Colas, a packet of cigarettes, and a big bag of medications for me to take.

On an interesting note, Charlie and I were discussing some of Horsefly's famous phrases...

• I gotta go make some stink...(as kids we would snicker and giggle when Horsefly would say this)
• I love my covers...(he will say this very affectionately as he squeezes your arm)
• Everybody bowls a gutter-ball sometimes...
• I am gonna stomp my feet at Johnny Otis...(angry rantings)
• I am going to fart on Brother Gene Webb's desk...(this meant the shit was about to hit the fan)

You Dream Flat Tires...

"Well, did you get Erin home safe and sound last night?" I asked Charlie over his phone at noon.

Janice and he had already arrived at my brother's house for Thanksgiving dinner.

"It was just a flat tire," Charlie replied over a din of busy talking in the background. "Nothing major. I should've brought you along. It wouldn't have taken you ten minutes to change it."

I was glad to hear it wasn't anything major wrong with Erin or the Car.

"I am bringing you a big plate of Thanksgiving fixins later this afternoon," Charlie told me. "Look for me around 5 pm."

"Sounds great, Charlie," I replied. "And Happy Thanksgiving!"

I've Felt Broken Down Myself a Few Times as Well...

The phone rang and it took me a second to recognize the voice. It was Charlie's wife, Janice. This bode unusual and extremely out of the ordinary.

"Charlie's bringing you supper," she said. "But he forgot to take his phone with him and Erin's (Charlie's granddaughter) car is broken down 30 miles south of Atlanta. She says she feels entirely unsafe."

Charlie arrived with a Big Mac value meal, giant Coke, and medications. I walked out to his car to see if he needed help bringing anything in and he did. We had my six nightly diet Cokes to contend with as well.

"Call your wife," I said handing him my cellphone once he got inside. "Erin's car has broken down south of Atlanta."

Charlie told me to dial the number and then hand the phone back to him.

"Meet me at the end of the driveway with my phone and a glass of tea," he told Janice and he was on the way to rescue his granddaughter.

I told Charlie I would be glad to go and help him. If it was a flat tire, then that would be right up my alley. Charlie was worried about how my medications would affect me if I had to drive.

Happy Thanksgiving From Andrew!

Our Pre-Thanksgiving Sunset Tonight...

You Bunch of Jive Turkeys!

jive turkey

a. One who speaks as though they know what they're talking about...though they do not. b. a bullshitter.

Dad bought the biggest turkey I have ever seen. It must weigh 30 pounds. It has taken a week for it to defrost. It is now in the oven and will take hours more for it to cook. Dad said he got up at eight this morning and started cooking.

Dad's kitchen smelled wonderful as I stepped through the back door. There were a lot of concoctions bubbling away on the top of his stove.

"I've got to feed 30 people tomorrow," dad told me a moment ago almost with an air of boasting.

I had stopped by to get a pack of cigarettes out of his coat closet.

"You're welcome to come tomorrow," my father told me.

He didn't believe me when I told him such conflagrations were mentally painful for me. My father is the epitome of an extrovert. I'm your quintessential introvert and wallflower.

"Well, I will make sure you get a big plate of food," he told me. "Charlie will probably bring it by late evening tomorrow some time."

Waiting for the Sun to Shine in...

Gosh, it gets so dark so very early that it can be depressing. As a child, I suffered terribly and severely from SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It still gets to me as a grown man sometimes. I want summer, warmth, and lightning bugs back from their hiatus.

I spent two hours this afternoon hoping to see some trains and didn't see not one freight come roaring through town. I sat on the same bench my homeless friend, Ferret, slept on years ago.

"If you ever get homeless and have to sleep on that bench," he would tell me. "Get some cardboard out of the Pig's dumpster to insulate you. That cold concrete will sap the heat and life right out of your ass."

He would also complain about all the trains that would wake him up at night. I wonder sometimes what happened to all of them -- the gang that George and I hung-out with in Cherry Valley Shopping Center.

Potted Meat Food Product and Peckers...

We Have a Green Light for Grocery Shopping...

I came. I shopped. I only spent $74 dollars. Yes, Papa was proud of me and I still got a lot of food to eat. I am going to have me a Mrs. Grissom's chicken salad sandwich as soon as I finish with this blog post.

Jermaine was lurking in produce when I walked by the stand full of bananas. I grabbed a bunch and snuck off down the potted meat aisle as I call it. I got a six pack of Vienna sausages and some tuna for lunch tomorrow. I've just been on a sandwich kick lately.

I don't want to seem mean to Jermaine, but he will talk incessantly for a good ten to fifteen minutes. About the time it takes for me to do all my shopping. I was in a race against the clock trying to finish all my shopping before my father arrived as he was meeting me there. I wanted a pain and delay free shopping experience tonight.

I left my father as he was going to do some shopping of his own for Thanksgiving. I just have called him from home and told him I forgot Maggie's dog food. He said he would pick me up a bag. He was still in Kroger so that worked out well.

Round and Round We Go -- The Seasons Melt Like Snow...

I am in a mood for giving thanks for all I have today. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Why not? It is the reason for the season.

I have so many things to be thankful for. Especially a family who loves me and wasn't going to let me be just another drunken mentally ill homeless statistic. Dad fought me both tooth and nail to get me on medications for my mental illness. He can have a bulldog like tenacity about such things. For many years, he has been coming by to give me my medications everyday. They got me stabilized and sober and my father then gave me a house and a car.

"The best thing you ever did for me was bringing Maggie into my life," I admirably told my father a moment ago sitting in his den as we took my medications.

I will never forget my father standing at my front door with a little flea ridden, whimpering puppy he had found in a trash can out at the rest area on the interstate.

"She's been a good companion to you," my father replied with a warm smile. "She certainly has a ton of personality."

My veterinarian says Maggie won the Georgia lottery when we adopted her as part of our family.

My Cup Runneth Over After a Slightly Longish Delay...

10:30 am rolled around and Charlie had still not arrived with our usual Sunday morning biscuits.  I gathered up some serious moxie and called his cellphone. Charlie can be funny about such things thinking you are hurrying him up.  I hate talking on the phone as well. Charlie's wife, Janice, answered.

"He forgot to take his phone with him," Janice explained. "He's off to a very late start this morning. I am hungry for a biscuit as well. "

I was just glad he was okay. My vivid imagination conjured up car wrecks and severe illnesses.

Soon, I heard Maggie start yelping gleefully as Charlie pulled up to the curb.

"The biscuit man is running late," Charlie said as I met him halfway across my front lawn.

"It is cold as shit out here and you are wearing shorts and a t-shirt," I told Charlie chuckling.

"What do you want for supper?" Charlie then asked me.

"My usual chicken pot pie fill-up and don't forget or eat my cookie!" I exclaimed.

"I am going to start calling you the cookie monster," Charlie said smiling as he was getting into his car.

OMG! WOW!?

I just have gotten a call from a WOW! customer service representative. I asked him what was causing the holdup and he said he just got the "work order" this morning. He was going to try his best to fulfill my wishes. I explained to him that I no longer want cable (this always stymies them). I want the 500 Mbps internet with voice over IP instead of a traditional phone.

"Do you want to rent the equipment from us?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

I couldn't convince my father into buying a cable modem and voice over IP equipment.

"I am going to call you tomorrow and set up a time to exchange your modem," he said. "What will be a good time?"

"As early as possible," I told him. "I will be here all day."

Getting that modem changed is the key to my master plan. Then, I will have much faster internet.

My Poor Dear Charlie and Dear Horsefly...

On the way to Horsefly's matinee, Charlie pulled up in front of my house this afternoon and it was taking him a long time to come inside. Maggie was having a fit at the chance of seeing Beta dog. I walked out to his car to see what was going on. My first thoughts were that he was just talking on his cellphone as my father often does in these delays.

"Dammit to hell," Charlie said harshly. "Horsefly blew chunks all over the back of my car."

Charlie was trying to clean it up with fast food napkins he had in his car. I ran inside and got a bucket of hot water with just a dash of Fabuloso. I got several wash cloths and a towel as well and I also grabbed a clean t-shirt for Horsefly.

"He wanted a regular Sprite so bad and I let him have one," Charlie said. "I should've known this was going to happen. That's why I only let him drink Sprite Zero. He can't take all that sugar in those regular sodas."

We got it cleaned up with a little elbow grease and spit and polish. Charlie came inside and we took my medications. He had also brought me a Big Mac value meal which I devoured after he left before the fries could get too cold. The extra large Coca-Cola was just icing on the cake. All's well that ends well as the old saying goes.

Before Charlie left, I asked him what he does those hours while Horsefly watches his movie.

"I hit all the antique shops around town looking for bargains," Charlie said. "Angela's Antiques is my favorite shop."

The Chuck-Wagon Rolled into Town or Simply Bacon Beckons...

I started a pot of coffee this morning, but didn't drink a drop. I just like the smell of it mingled with the smell of frying bacon. It reminds me so much of my grandmother and the summers I would spend with her on her farm.

Maggie wasn't about to miss a chance at bacon and she was underfoot the whole time I was cooking. I also made a big pot of bubbly, buttery grits. I think those Spanish folks call it polenta.

I am anxiously awaiting news from my father and WOW! I just looked up my modem's specs on the web and it is DOCSIS 2.0 compliant. That means to obtain the internet speed I want, then they will have to upgrade my modem to the DOCSIS 3.0 standard. WOW! touts that they have award winning customer service. So far it has been lackluster for me. We got the ball rolling Wednesday and dad and I have yet to hear one peep out of them. The next step they will most likely take is making an appointment to swap out my cable modem.

Remember Helen?

Man, I miss these kinds of meals every Friday. Helen called my father recently wanting her job back, but my father says he doesn't need extra help anymore now that my mother has passed away.

"She'd just be under my feet all the time," my father told me.

That Darned Dog...

Maggie was doing the "I'm hungry" song and dance for me awhile ago. She can be quite insistent. 

"You've got plenty of dog food sweetheart," I told her as she crawled in between my legs as I sat at this computer. "You've got a bowl of venison and turkey in here and in the laundry room."

She really wanted my attention and she certainly didn't want dog food.

"Do you want a chicken pot pie?" I asked as I got up and headed to the kitchen with Maggie close behind me.

That's one of Maggie's favorite people foods and she knows those words well.

I cooked the pot pie for eight minutes and then I let it cool before giving it to the Magster. What does she do when I gave it to her? She drug it through the dog door and buried it. It was definitely a face palm moment for me. Now, she is still doing the "I'm hungry" song and dance, The possums and raccoons are going to have a feast tonight.

I Feel Like a Million and One Bucks this Morning...

Rebecca gave me my injection this morning and the feeling it imparted was almost immediate like an adrenaline rush.

"Woah, I got dizzy there," I told Rebecca as a sat down for a moment to gather myself.

"Are you going to be able to drive?" my nurse cautiously asked.

"I got my first full unbroken night's sleep in weeks last night as well," I told her happily. "This is just the icing on the cake."

I explained to her how my mental illness cycles. It seems the pendulum is swinging my way at the moment. I told her I also loved to feel extraordinary.

Dee Dee hollered War Eagle as I stepped into the reception area all buzzy headed to get my next appointment card. It seems I am always wearing something Auburn related when I arrive to get my injection. I told her War Eagle back to play along.

"Can you believe we beat the number one team in the nation?" Dee Dee asked.

"We didn't beat them," I replied. "We humiliated them."

Feeling more clear and level headed, I drove the short drive to the pharmacy to give my father the next appointment card. As usual, highway 29 was a quagmire of traffic.

"That didn't take but ten minutes," he said astonished.

He studied the next appointment card closely for a few moments to make sure I actually got my injection. I grabbed my two customary sodas and headed hone. I got some cherry Cokes this week and they were delicious.

A Feeling of Impending Doom...

"Why are you so nervous and fidgety?" dad asked me as we pulled out of my neighborhood for the short jaunt to WOW!.

"Something is going to go wrong," I told him. "Nothing's never easy when concerning these cable TV and internet providers."

"Well, hope for the best," dad told me turning his gaze back to the road.

"What can I help you with gentlemen?" the receptionist asked as we stepped into an empty lobby.

"Yes, I want to change my plan," I explained, "I want to get the 500 Mbps internet, drop my cable, and keep my phone."

The lady got on the computer and started to furiously type away.

"You can only have the 110 Mbps internet on your plan," she told me with a guarded smile.

"Well, let's change plans then," I told her sternly.

The lady said she had to talk to her supervisor and would call us back. Dad gave her his cellphone number.

"I'll work hard to get you what you want," she said and then my father and I left to drive home.

"I told you so," I said to my father as I climbed into his car. "I told you it wouldn't be easy."

Azaleas in November?

Yes, one of my azaleas decided to bloom suddenly and out of season.

Leave Me to Rest...

Imagine my relief last night when I had finally unloaded and squared away all my copious amounts of groceries and cleaning supplies. I thought I was going to have to wave off another grocery acquiring effort. I collapsed into my recliner and opened a delicious bottle of Fanta strawberry soda as a reward for a job well done and almost not accomplished. Maggie was conked out on the couch. She didn't even wake to greet me when I was unlocking the front door.

I am currently and impatiently waiting for my father to call and say it is time to drive out to the WOW! office. The day is growing short and it is beginning to worry me. Has he forgotten me? I wouldn't put it past him. He's probably watching that damnable Auburn football game for the sixth time. I have had such high hopes for the day.

Pacts With Mephistopheles?

My father just called me from work with encouraging and uplifting news. I desperately needed a good and heaping dosage of positivism.

"Your injection is this Thursday," he said. "That may be why you are struggling so. I've already filled the prescription and you are ready to go."

I'll gladly bare my bum for posterity's sake.

"Well, I am working to get myself together for tonight's grocery shopping foray," I replied to my father. "I've shaved and I've got clean clothes drying in the dryer."

"Good for you!" my father replied excitably.

We missed grocery shopping last night as I couldn't just get it together enough for us to go. That's two Mondays in a row.

"Now, we are going to the WOW! office tomorrow, but I want you to do something in turn for me," my father said. "I want you to get your house super clean by this weekend. Be thinking of the cleaning supplies you need to get at the grocery store tonight."

I said I would and my father encouraged me to make a list of the cleaning supplies I needed.

Lost in Our Little Lives...

I called my father early this morning around 7:30 am. I knew he had to be at work at 9 am so he would be up and getting ready -- most likely in his recliner eating breakfast. I've been up since 4 am. I was so worried I was going to run out of cigarettes today. I became fixated upon it.

"Why are you calling me so much?" he asked me tersely. "You are really off your rocker right now, aren't you?"

I was honest and told him I am having one of the worst spells with my mental illness in a long time. I'm a train wreck walking at the moment.

"I'm not mad at you," my father said. "I am just worried. What do you need?"

"Would you mind putting a pack of cigarettes on the back porch? Is that too much to ask?" I said. "I will drive over and get them once the day and my car has warmed up."

"I will put them out there," my father replied.

"You realize I am completely dependent upon you for everything?" I asked my father. "It is obvious I am going to have to come or call you if I need something."

I Love My Magster...

Our First Heavy Frost...

My grandfather always said we usually get our first "killing frost" around November 11th and he wasn't far off. We are just a few days late. 

You Make My Stormy Skies Beautiful...

I woke up with the funks as I call them -- others would call them the doldrums. I called my father and asked him if we could go out to the WOW! office and change my cable and internet. He will not call for some obstinate reason. It would take 30 minutes and that certainly would lift my spirits. I am chomping at the bit of the prospects of having 500 Mbps internet as I languish with 30 Mbps internet currently. This WOW! business has been going on for three weeks now and dad keeps stalling.

"Babe, I'm watching the Auburn/Georgia game on YouTube and haven't gotten dressed. I promise you we will go Wednesday," my father said.

Well, that sunk me to new lows for the day. Then, I thought of all the good things in my life. I evoked my Auschwitz Mantra as I often have to do. Hell, I even said the serenity prayer as well. Any person imprisoned in that concentration camp would trade places with me in a heartbeat. They would love to tackle my seemingly trifle problems. Life is just not fair sometimes and I have to come to terms with that.

Communing With Papa...

Maggie was sleeping on the couch when the phone rang. She immediately woke and ran into the computer room. It always tickles me when she does that.

"The call is not for you princess," I told her.

"Hello?" I asked.

"I've made you some barbecue sandwiches and I also made German potato salad. Come and get you a plate," my father told me.

I was out of the door before Maggie could miss me.

"War Eagle!" dad said as he greeted me at his backdoor.

Auburn beat #1 ranked Georgia last night.

"We are going to go ahead and take your medications while you are over here," my father told me.

You didn't hear a complaint out of me. This was turning out to be one fine afternoon despite the overcast conditions and the rain.

There's Beauty in the Breakdown...

I was going to have a serious nervous breakdown if I didn't sleep last night. Well, I managed to sleep one more hour last night giving me eight hours of sleep total. I feel as if I could rip the ears off a Gundar (Star Wars reference). I jumped out of the bed running about 4 am. I had a project to undertake this early morning. I was going to hook my home theater up to my computer to see what it sounded like. It was no small feat as my speakers weigh a ton and there are wires galore to hook up. I am here to tell you my computer has never sounded better. Right now, The Magic of Enya (in FLAC format) is playing over my speakers and it sounds marvelous.

He With Biscuit Travels...

Charlie will be along in just a few hours. He usually shows up around 9 am. Charlie asked me what I wanted for breakfast yesterday afternoon and I told him I wanted bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits and an orange juice. If the orange juice gives me heartburn as it usually does, then I am ready with a bottle of TUMs in the medicine cabinet.

HULK SMASH!!!

I usually back up my blog posts every week. If Blogger crashes or I hastily delete my blog, then I have all that I have written over the years.  I've been trying to incorporate all my writings starting in 2004 into this blog. Well, bloggers import content feature NEVER works. I keep trying and finally just emailed them and I hope they will email me back.

Yet Another Awesome Cavalry Arrival...

"I just know you wanted to go to the Auburn game, but you are stuck seeing about Horsefly and me," I told Charlie as he walked across my yard from the curb.

I hurried out to help him bring everything inside as Maggie barked from the grandstands. Maggie's like the greeter at Walmart.

"I don't think I have ever sat through a whole football game," Charlie said seriously.

"Andrew? And how are you?" Charlie asked as we took my medications.

"I am much better now that you are here," I told him with the utmost in honesty.

Charlie brought me a Zaxby's chicken finger dinner which was also what Horsefly had for lunch. He will have to eat KFC chicken strips once again down in Auburn after going to the cinema.

"How does Horsefly stay so slim?" I asked Charlie

"Bowling his ass off three nights a week," Charlie replied laughing. "He will be just soaking wet with sweat when he finishes. I always carry a clean towel when I leave the house."

"I Reckon I'll Kiss You Goodnight," Said the Frog to the Princess...

I think that frog is about to win the lottery and be turned into a prince!

I slept for most of the day yesterday and then went back to bed around midnight and slept until 3:30 am.  Will I ever get to sleeping normal again? At least, I am sleeping now. I couldn't sleep but for a few hours at time for awhile there. Sleep deprivation sure would be a good form of torture and I am sure it is employed by the military.

I am excited it is a football Saturday and that means Charlie is bringing medications on his way to take Horsefly to the cinema.  He called me last night after my father left and said he would be here around 2 pm. He always brings me lots of cold drinks and I appreciate it so very much. Super kudos of adulation goes to my friend Charlie! A Big Mac or two is just the icing on the cake.

Annoying Computer Problem of the Morning (solved)...

I kept hearing all these pops and hisses in my music. It was driving me crazy to say the least! My motherboard has on board high definition sound, but I am using a dedicated and discrete sound card. I reinstalled Windows 10 and I thought that solved the problem till it started back.  By some stroke of luck, I decided to go into the BIOS and turn off unneeded services. I turned off the on board sound, the wireless adapter, and the Bluetooth adapter. That solved the problem. Clean sound and pristine music from here on out.

Debit or Die Trying!

"Oh, by the way," I told my father sheepishly tonight as he handed me my medications, "I debited a lot of sandwich fixins at the Piggly Wiggly this afternoon."

"How much did you spend?" my father asked warily.

"I spent twenty dollars," I replied.

Not another word was said about it and here I thought we were going to get into one hell of a fuss.

The Piggly Wiggly branded "King" bread was some of the softest and freshest bread I've eaten in a long time. I also got some Kraft cheese singles and two packs of bologna that was on sale. The cheese was on sale as well so I got the last two packs.

Step Up! Step Down!

Mom used to have this little portable step for exercising. I brought it in the den to show my father what she would do with it. Then she would make me do it for 25 to 30 minutes because I was a little fat pudgy kid who needed to lose weight.  Dad laughed and laughed.

"Get back on it and show me how she did it again," dad said chocking back a another hearty laugh.

Maggie uses it to jump up on the computer room bed these days. My little furry daughter managed to learn this trick in record time. It was that or sleep on the chilly floor by the bed.

"What time is the ballgame tommorrow?" I then asked my father abruptly changing the subject.

"It starts at 3:30 pm our time," my father said.

"Is Charlie bringing me my medications?" I asked.

"Alright Martha," dad said laughing some more. "The devil is in the details and always was for you two."

"I'll talk to Charlie about it tonight," dad said as he was leaving. "He'll probably call me about it instead. He'll be worried about you."

One For the Record Books...

On a normal night, my father would harass me about going to the grocery store. We've put it off since last Monday. He was tired tonight after working all day. I wanted to ask him if we could go drive to get some Krystal's, but I couldn't get up the courage or moxie. I hate to impose like that -- like Tuleana and Rich would always do to me. I think it may be time to do and answer questions later and I mean use the debit card.

"We'll get back on track next Monday," I told my father to reassure and placate him. "I have one more gallon of milk."

We took my medications and my father wanted to see my computer room which I thoroughly cleaned late this afternoon. That kind of stuff gets him excited.

"Looks great in here," he said. "Now clean your bathroom or I am going to get in there and clean it myself."

We certainly wouldn't want that. My bodily fluids and solids are sacred ground. Would you want your elderly father rummaging around your bathroom with rubber gloves on and some Clorox spray? "Goddamn son, what have you been doing in here?"

Rain Dripping Off the Eaves...

It's rainy and overcast in the Southland today -- thoroughly deplorable. Really, really good sleeping weather. I have just got up and going and the first thing I did was turn on the heat. It was cold in here. Maggie was snuggled so close to me a minute ago that we about became one. Her bladder amazes me. I picked her up and put her in the bed around 9 pm last night and she has yet to get off the bed to go potty. This rain might have something to do with it. I bet she's about to burst.

I just crumbled up the last of the cornbread into the last of the corned beef hash from last night. You can say a lot about my father, but first and foremost, he is a most excellent cook. He reminds me of his mother who was a cook extraordinaire.

Mind the Hash...

"Go ahead and eat before your cornbread gets soggy," dad told me tonight after arriving for the medication ritual. .

He had brought two gallons of milk, homemade corned beef hash, cornbread, diet cokes, and medications. I felt like it was Christmas and told my father so. I was just going to crumble my cornbread into the hash anyways so his worries about my cornbread getting soggy were for naught.

"We are dropping a shit load of pills," alarmingly I told my father tonight. "I found three Klonopin, one Coreg, and a Depokote behind the couch cushions.

He told me we are going to have to be more careful from now on.

Sleep!!!

I finally got some sleep today. I haven't slept for days. I slept from noon to eight tonight. I feel so groggy right now. I joked with dad that I felt like I had taken a handful of Xanax. I could only wish as I would go back to bed if that were so. Maggie was actually the one who woke me up. She was tired of all this sleeping business and being lonely as I slumbered. Every time I would close my eyes again she would bark as she sat next to the bed watching me. I felt disgruntled as I got up for the day.

Planning Ahead...

I just called my father to tell him how good his hash was. He eats it up when I call him like that about his cooking. I also needed a small favor.

"Will you put and extra pack of cigarettes on the back porch?" I asked my father.

"It is going to get wet," dad replied.

"It has a waterproof cellophane coating you have to tear off," I then replied back.

He said he would put them out. I didn't want to wake him up late tonight just for that. I might not need them anyway I told him. Just playing it safe, you know?

Chapter Three: My Best Laid Plans Come to Fruition...

I called my father at 8:30 pm. He was driving up 29 on the way to my house. He said he was extremely glad to be off work.

"Ten hours is a long day," he rightfully told me.

"Now hear me out. Can you meet me at the Piggly Wiggly? We are going to have to hurry to get there before they close at 9 pm. I want a gallon of milk and a soda to take my medications with. We can take my medications sitting in your car."

Absolutely amazingly he went for it. I sat in my CR-V in the parking lot awaiting my father's arrival. Dad and I bought some milk and a Sunkist soda once he had arrived. I told him of my conundrum of having plenty of cereal, but zero milk. We took my medications sitting in his car. It worked out well as my parent's house is just up the street from the Piggly Wiggly so it wasn't out of dad's way.

"I've come to the conclusion you are right," my father said to me. "Your mental illness does come and go. You were a real rat's ass last night."

We hugged each other as we chuckled and then told each other goodnight.

"I am getting in my pajamas, pouring me a glass of fine vintage Merlot, and then it is TV time," my father told me.

Chapter Two: Dogs Will Be Dogs...

I've got all the windows opened up in this old house. It is 71° degrees outside which would usually feel chilly to me, but this night air feels nice and cool on my skin. The only mar on the night is that Maggie's got her panties in a twist over something. All the neighborhood dogs do as well. This just urges her on to even greater fits of barking. I am drowning her out aurally with a Norah Jones CD. It sounds nice I might add. It is her 2002 breakthrough album, Come Away With Me.

Soon, my father will be over here to give me my medications. He has worked all day. I am sure he will try to cajole me into going to the grocery store once again. The peer pressure will be in full force tonight. I still don't feel well and would like to just us drive to the Piggly Wiggly and get some milk. I still have a big bag and a half of Kroger frosted flakes left. I would also like a hamburger and a big ass Coke. All this seems like climbing an Everest or two to me at the moment, though. I will have to read my father's mood carefully tonight.

Chapter One: If You Believe They Put a Man on the Moon...

We never made it grocery shopping last night despite my father's almost overwhelming and overbearing urging. He was angry and pouting with me as we sat on the couch and I took my medications. There was also an uncomfortably long silence as we sat there. I turned on the television.

I just didn't feel well mentally and I held my ground. Mental illness always expresses itself in adverse behavior and this is something my father has never grasped. When someone is sick, you help them and don't berate them. Dad should have gone and gotten me something to eat and drink and it would have gone a long ways to making me feel better. At least, he did bring my six diet Cokes last night.

"You've got to be hungry," he said to me.

"Not so hungry as to join the fray tonight," I replied back.

I can't remember the last time I missed writing about my grocery store adventures. This leaves me eating dry cereal (all the food I have in my house) as I am out of milk and I don't feel like going out to get something to eat. To look on the bright side of things, at least I have something to eat.

Lonely Little Old Toad...

Lonely little old toad. I'd say that's me...

I was just sitting on the steps to the back-deck and it is just gorgeous outside -- 70° degrees and and a sky full of morning sunshine. Maggie loves to strut her stuff during these moments --- running fiercely at squirrels and birds alike. She is showing off for me and showing me what she can do. "You can count on me, Andrew," is probably what she would say if she could talk. Me? I'm too old and crotchety to be running at birds this early in the morning.

Maggie and I split the last two eggs in the carton and I made some pimento cheese toast in the oven this morning. The toast was marvelous and ah so cheesy and gooey. Maggie seems to ignore the jalapeno peppers that reside in this store bought cheese spread. "This stuff is spicy!" dad said the other day as he enjoyed it on Waverly crackers.

Werewolves of London...

I wonder if Warren Zevon was inspired by a full moon when he wrote that song.

It is a full moon and I could've sworn I just saw my neighbor streak past this window buck naked. hehe. I'd pay a few dollars to see that as she is kind of cute.

Dad says when it is a full moon that they can get some real crazies in the pharmacy -- pill counters, Lortab addicts, etc.

"John? You shorted me four Lortab!" is a scenario my father knows all too well.

"We counted them three times to make sure your prescription is correct," he would say with a smile and they do so just for this occasion..

Surely, if the moon can move vast oceans via the tides, it can effect the cranial and spinal fluid in our brains and bodies.

Sustenance...

Earlier, Charlie dropped by my KFC pot pie with two cookies this time. My father took the grand-kids to the local Japanese steakhouse so Charlie was flying solo. Dad had called me earlier in the afternoon to come and take my medications. That was really nice. This post is partially fueled by Klonopin and Coreg, and maybe a little risperidone as well.

Charlie had paint all over him again. He excitably told me that he was having new kitchen counters and cabinets installed tomorrow. Charlie lives for this kind of stuff. You should see Charlie's house that resides near my father's house. It is just jammed full of beautiful furniture and posh surroundings. It is kind of his showcase house.

Chomping at the Bit!

I am hoping my father will drive with me to the WOW! office to change my cable and internet. He will not call them on the phone for some crazy reason. The plan I want is $79.99 and that includes 500 Mbps internet and the "small" cable package. I am currently paying $160 bucks a month or so my father says. I honestly don't know what we are paying for as my internet is only 30 Mbps. It must be all the high definition channels I get that I do not watch.