One nice thing about Google Reader is that you can reconnect with bloggers that have long ceased to blog. There is one certain schizophrenic young man I keep up with in Reader. He hasn't written in months and wrote today. Reader showed me or I wouldn't have known since I long ceased visiting his blog. It allowed me to give an "atta boy" and let him know I was still reading. I hope for a post tomorrow because blogging has been so cathartic for me and my mental illness.
I wonder what I will do the next five days of rain and storms regarding my and Maggie's walk. I have dreams of sleeping late and fixing late breakfasts. They say we will get flooding. I wonder if they will open the flood gates over at the dam on West Point Lake. I will be there with my camera if they do.
This morning was the usual. Maggie woke me up at the crack of dawn to walk. I sleepily put on my sweatpants and a sweatshirt. "Come on! Come on! Can we go now?" Maggie seemed to say with her impetuous wiggling.
There is one man who jogs every morning. He is not your stereotypical jogger. He is heavy set and sounds like he has emphysema he breathes so hard as he runs.
"Good morning," he will say as he passes us.
"Good morning!" I will respond in my happy, goofy, aloof way.
Well, let me get some breakfast started. Today is light fare. Toast and creamy peanut butter with a big glass of milk. To Maggie, this part of our morning is almost as important as the walk.
*****
Addicted to this song. A song about reincarnation by such greats as Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash.
Maggie has about torn up my couch cushions sitting on them like this. You gotta love her though. I'd make a terrible parent. My kids would run all over me.
I just watched my neighbor mow all his numerous beautiful daffodils to the ground. My heart cried out in the name of spring. "Such a reckless human being," I thought. It really did effect me in such a negative way. I almost feel violated.
"Hey Baby!" Helen told me as I walked through my parent's back door. "You're looking stylish with that Auburn t-shirt."
"See my Auburn cap?" I asked her, taking it off to show her. "Got it for Christmas."
Helen went on to tell me she's lost 250 pounds after her bariatric surgery. Isn't that just amazing? That would have been almost a whole one of me weight wise a few years ago.
Mom came stumbling up the steps as I walked into the hall. She is "monitoring" how many sodas I drink due to my father. Dad says I drink sodas like I used to drink beer and he is probably right.
"Don't eat supper tonight!" mom told me.
"Why?" I asked.
"I am bringing you and Maggie Big Mac's from McDonalds," she told me.
Oh joy! A store bought supper! I can almost taste those burgers now. Mom really has her moments sometimes.
I visit a lot of frugal living and living simply web sites and forums. You can really pick up some neat ideas most of the time. It is very helpful for a guy who gets $3 dollars a day to spend. You can get some real nut cases as well.
"Is it okay to pee in my sink?" one fellow asked. "I am trying to save money by not flushing."
"Just go pee in the backyard," I wanted to tell him. "Under the cover of darkness."
And wouldn't you only save pennies on a pee? It couldn't be life changing I am sure. This is just one case where you are just going too far.
This makes me think of the CEO's rich and pampered wife saying, "Lord Larry! It is only a few million. You would have never thought Congress has wasted tax payers money before." After the CEO spent all day testifying in front of Congress.
"Why did Maggie just run by with your sock in her mouth?" dad asked me last night during our medication ritual.
"She loves socks," I told him. "She has a love affair with pearly white cotton."
Dad just laughed and laughed. We walked outside and picked up two pairs of my socks. Maggie was guarding the third pair.
"It causes me to have to wash a lot of socks," I told dad.
"I bet so," he replied.
This morning I put on the new pair of clean socks. Maggie watched me intently and got off the bed to sniff them. They have to be broken in and worn for her to like them. All in the day's life of a little scruffy looking mutt in the Valley. A mutt with a penchant for cotton.
Complete with custom theme music. Maybe my sense of humor is warped, but I can't keep watching this without it eliciting roaring laughter. This was like that time I gave Maggie creamy peanut butter.
Hattip to Mary at Ox.
I was just about to take a picture of Maggie sleeping. A car door shut outside and immediately awakened her. She is so hyper sensitive to company or intruders. Feels safe.
Doesn't she look like some weird mutated Wookie in this photo? I keep expecting Chewbacca to wuff and growl.
I was asked that today by a friend. Not the persona I portray for the world and my blog friends. I still struggle a lot with my mental illness. I hide it from those around me. It is almost as if my parents don't believe me when I tell them. "You seem to be doing so good," they say.
Lately, it is the anxiety attacks. I woke up with them this morning. Last night, it was the sound of rushing water through pipes continuously keeping me company. I didn't even tell my psychiatrist about this latest auditory installment as he would only medicate me further.
But you know what is awesome? The good days. The good days are like the best orgasm. I walk through life smiling, so relieved to have a break in the storm. I smell the air and there is a spring in my step. I want to tackle the whole world and talk to everyone. I want everyone to be happy just like me. And the good days give me a reason to go on. There is life left in me yet.
Okay, I've gone Facebook. Within hours of putting up my profile, I had three friends. I see an ex-girlfriend on there as well. I debated on friending her. She read my blog for awhile and probably thinks I am a bonafide fruitcake. I can see why it is so addicting though. I am seeing dozens of people I graduated high school with.
In other news, Mo got a Amazon Kindle 2. Look here as she unpacks it. I am so jealous. Look here to see what she is already reading. Awesome!
I took one step outside this morning and wanted to run back to my warm bed. Maggie was past the point of no return having her leash on. I was committed.
"I thought spring means warm," I said to her as we headed up my driveway.
Maggie's getting better at walking on her leash. There is less coughing and choking with every trip. I tried to tell her there is a easier softer way to do this.
We came home and I headed to an early morning AA meeting. I really didn't want to go, but needed to touch base as they say. Being an agnostic, a lot of the religiosity of AA is distasteful to me. I guess that is just the curse I have to bear being raised by an atheist.
When I arrived back in the Valley, I stopped by mom and dad's to get some sodas. Mom was guarding the amount I got very closely.
"Here's four," she said returning from the basement.
"Can't I have more?" I asked.
"We need to make these last," she told me.
"Just give me some blankety blank money and let me get some cokes," I wanted to say, acting out. I didn't say anything though. I thanked her and drove home. I am now enjoying my four Diet Dr. Peppers. Man, they taste good.
"Baby, you've got to get this dog hair up," Helen said. "Your daddy is going to get on to you."
Keep in mind that I am 36 years old. I just smiled, laughed, and got out the broom.
Hours later some wonderful smells were coming from my kitchen. Helen cooked me a chicken, broccoli, and cheddar casserole and yeast biscuits. We also had a fruit salad. Helen ate with me at lunch which is unusual for her.
"Economizing," she told me with a smile.
Soon, mom entered the picture. She was on a mission.
"Go with me to the city to see about getting our mailbox paid for," she asked me over her cell phone.
Apparently, the city trash truck hit mom and dad's mailbox toppling it over. The city agreed to pay for a new one and that was that.
What did mom tell me on the ride home?
"You need to shave," she told me. "You look like a homeless man."
That elicited uproarious laughter on my part.
"Just revisiting some of my lineage," I told mom smiling.
The local ice cream truck is again making it's rounds through this sleepy little southern town. A sure sign that spring is here. I watched yesterday as the truck turned on my street. The neighbor's kids were playing in the yard and immediately dropped what they were doing to go get their mom. They came running back out with dollars in their hands.
The ice cream truck has seen better days though. A generator is strapped to the back bumper to power the freezer. The wheels all seem to have a certain wobble to them as the truck slowly traverses the neighborhood. The audio on the loudspeaker will sometimes quit. I don't think the owner is getting rich.
It does harken back to a gentler, simpler time in my youth though. It was a special treat to manage to talk my mother into giving us some money for an ice cream. I always remember the incredible selection and trying to make up my mind. Maybe, I will just run out to the road this afternoon as the truck arrives. Relive my youth as they say. I always was a nostalgic sort of fool.
I never would have thought I would be enamored by a married woman. Covetous, I tell you. And she's the First Lady to boot. What do I do now? Collect photos and itineraries? Subscribe to Ebony magazine?
Maggie and I have been going for our walk pretty early. My clock has reset while Maggie's has not. I awoke to a dog licking my hand this morning. I opened one eye to see Maggie vigorously wagging her tail sitting in the floor by my bed.
"Is it that time already?" I asked sleepily.
Maggie wagged her tail even harder as if she possessed some alien mind probe dog powers.
The first thing I noticed on our walk this morning was a half moon hanging beautifully to the east. "See what you would be missing if you slept?" I asked myself.
Coughing and choking we made our way past the elementary school on Gilmer Avenue. "Bah, School!" I thought. School was a torture to me growing up. A mindless medium of conformity hell that has left me scarred as an adult. Dad has asked me often over the years what he and mom could have done for me as a child to have made my childhood better and more pleasant. "Send me to a non orthodox school for special and artsy children," I told him.
I noticed a chill in the air this morning. Old Man Winter is hanging on and refusing to give way for Spring. It must have been forty degrees as I walked.
Now? I'm home and Maggie is already asleep on the couch. It is time to go back to bed for a few hours till the sun is up and I start another day. Oh, I hope it is a glorious warm and sunny day.
I have weird sleeping habits sometimes. Right now, I have Charlie's son staying with me while his wife and him went on a business related trip. I was debating at midnight if Randall would be okay for about 30 minutes while I went on a burger run.
(OH MY GAWD! BURGER TIME! NOM NOM NOM NOM!)
Randal is autistic and has interesting habits like me. He only sleeps in the day and stays up all night with his plush toys while watching videos and DVDs of Veggie Tales. Randal is a year older than me.
"Would you like a burger?" I asked Randal before leaving.
"I WILL EAT A BURGER!" he said very loudly.
My path to the dark side was complete and I was taking my young Padawan with me.
****
Today is my injection. I hope my usual nurse is back from maternity leave. I am sure Crystal is tired of seeing that huge black scorpion tattoo on my right butt cheek (just kidding).
Mom wasn't answering the phone at lunch so I just drove over. I knew she was asleep and I let myself inside through the garage. I forgot Helen was there and she was in the kitchen making tuna salad for mom's lunch. Helen made me two sandwiches to take with me.
"I got you more cokes," mom said when I walked back to check on her. Her and her two cats were all piled together in the bed. Mom's cat sleeping on her hip like she does would drive me crazy. Mom had bought a whole case of expensive 20oz regular Coca-Colas. "It's your money," I could hear my father say again from the other night. "You might want to tell your mother to watch what she is spending."
My walk this morning was humid and damp. You can almost tell spring is knocking on winter's back door. The redbud trees have begun to bloom this week. That, and my grass is greening up. The birds all think this is fantastic. I am really taking in all the birdsong.
I counted over five dead squirrels in the road on my walk this morning. Maggie tried her best to carry a few home. I was worried she would get some strange variance of botulism. What is up with squirrels, cars, and roads? It is almost as if their brains shut down when they see a car coming.
It rained some on my walk this morning. I had a cheap poncho to wear, but I was sweating so hard under it that I was getting wet anyway.
Mom bought me the Kroger brand of raisin bran crunch. It is actually better than Kellogg's. I had a "man sized" bowl of cereal for breakfast this morning.
"Honey, there goes that guy with the choking dog again," a neighbor would say.
"Gladys, go back to bed and quit minding the neighbor's business."
Every morning it's the same. Maggie goes completely nuts to go walking. She is so impatient that I can barely get her leash on without her getting tangled in it.
"Hold still, Maggie," you can hear me say from the den.
I guess I've created a monster. I really don't like to walk lately, but feel obligated as Maggie thinks it is the best thing since sliced bread. She tugs on the leash so hard it sounds like she is choking and dying.
It was a short drive down the interstate to my doctor's office. I am enamored with dad's car and try all the bells and whistles.
"Watch this!" dad said with a sly grin.
We were soon going 100 mph.
"I told you she can fly like a bat out of hell," dad said.
My doctor welcomed me into his office. I call him Kermit as he does look and talk like Kermit the frog.
"So, how are you and what have you been doing lately?" he asked.
"I've started walking now," I told him.
You could see a glimmer in his eye as he is very trim and fit; very exercise conscious.
"Walking releases endorphins and helps you to feel better. Blah, blah, blah," my doctor told me.
We talked a long time about my anxiety attacks. I want a cure and to just not maintain them with medications.
"We will continue to work on it," my doctor told me.
These visits wear me out so it was good to be headed home. I don't have to see him again for 2 months.
I walked two miles this morning. That was a true milestone. I worried about Maggie, though. Her short, little legs really have to work to keep up with me. So far, she is loving it.
My air conditioning has decided to quit. Actually, it just never came back on after our winter. I have all my windows open in my house on this 82 degree day. My thermometer says 83 degrees inside. I love the heat which is a good thing so I am not uncomfortable.
After my walk this morning, I decided to drive over to Fat Albert's for my morning cup of coffee. It has been awhile since I went and I was surprised to still see George employed.
"Coffees on the house," George exclaimed after questioning me about where I've been.
I insisted on paying for my cup which was only 99 cents. George looked perturbed. I wanted to tell him that giving me free coffee could get him fired. George can act like a little kid in fairy land sometimes. Aloof.
I go to my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am continuing the discussion about my anxiety attacks. I am determined to get these damn things out of my life.
I hope you all are having a good week and thanks for reading.
Maggie just went about bonkers when mom pulled up out front of my house. She wagged her tail spastically with a look on her face that said, "She's here! She's here!"
"Sorry I snapped at you this morning," mom said. "The phone rang all morning and I couldn't get any sleep. Come get your cokes and I have some of your medicine."
The way I looked you would think an angel had come down from heaven and blessed me. I smiled, gave mom a hug, and welcomed her inside.
"Who is it Maggie?" I asked.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! It's momma!" Maggie seemed to say.
I smiled again, gave mom another big bear hug, and we talked for thirty minutes until she wanted to go lay down. I love my mom so much and can't stand for her to be upset with me. I can be so emotionally fragile sometimes.
Went for my walk again early this morning. Maggie tagged along and seems to enjoy this much more than I. The sun was just coming up as I turned into my driveway. It was a beautiful sky full of rose colored clouds. I said a little prayer thanking whoever may have been the grand designer of such things.
I drank two diet cokes for breakfast and it was two too much; too much caffeine and I felt that scourge of anxiety attacks welling up. I called mom and asked her to bring me some more cokes for the afternoon when she went to her hair appointment at 2 PM.
"Just how many cokes are you drinking?" she asked admonishing me. "You are going to run out."
I hung up the phone not willing to be berated about my caffeine habit. Mom didn't call back. She must of woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I fully expect her to come by this afternoon as if nothing ever happened.
When I feel ill like today, much time is spent gravitating from my computer to the bed. I call it quiet time. I will lay down and shut the world out as my overactive mind calms down and goes to sleep. I listen to the world going on around me feeling glad I can afford to have these times of respite. If I were to lose my disability, I don't know what I would do. I could never work with these things plaguing me.
"I can't believe I forgot your chicken nuggets," mom told me looking worried last night. "I also got you cheap cigarettes today and want to trade them back."
"Why?" I asked genuinely interested about the cigs.
"I believe those cheap cigarettes have cheap filters and will give you cancer sooner," mom told me.
I had to choke back a laugh. Mom was deadly serious though. Mom went and got me two cartons of expensive Doral Lights 100's.
"Your mother sure can get things complicated," dad said the other night. Yes, she can, but I love her to death.
"I forgot your chicken nuggets!" mom told me over the phone a moment ago profusely apologizing.
"Don't worry about it," I replied. "Let's use that money to go out to eat."
No doubt, my mother is on her way to the grocery store now. Even though I pleaded her to wait till tomorrow. She is like me and we are such driven souls about such things.
It was injection time this morning. The past two days have been shaky. Tim picked me up around 9 AM.
"You ready for the biggest needle I have ever seen?" he asked me smiling.
"It doesn't bother me," I replied with much machismo.
"I certainly wouldn't want someone sticking me in the ass with one of those things," Tim said said of my Risperdal Consta.
I laughed.
We talked about old muscle cars on the drive down. A subject I know a lot about. Tim's first car was a Plymouth Satellite. My first car was a '72 Chevelle 350 SS. I told Time if I ever became rich, I was going to have a Chevelle convertible restored.
"How did you like your supper Friday?" Helen asked me as I standing next to mom's bed this morning.
"I loved it," I replied. "I was worried about you, though."
Friday Helen cooked Salmon patties, mashed potato and onion croquettes, English peas, and biscuits.
Helen was like a different person today compared to last Friday.
Driving over to mom's and dad's wasn't that bad this morning. My all-wheel-drive only kicked in once to get me up a snowy hill. I had to call dad this morning and remind him his Honda was all-wheel-drive as well.
"Does my BMW have 4-wheel-drive?" dad asked me.
That tickled my funny bone for some reason. Dad didn't even know that about his new car.
"Yes," I said. "It does."
We got around 4" of snow. The sun is out and it is quickly melting. Lows should dip down to 24 degrees tonight and turn the roads into a skating rink. Needless to say, I won't be going anywhere. I am happy to get my snow for the year.
