Finding Equilibrium…

I know I never talk about my mental illness. Like I wrote in my profile to the right, I try not to let it define me. I’ve read a lot of blogs and online journals by people with schizophrenia and mental illness and they got to where they depressed me and I quit reading them all. It is one thing to deal with mental illness on a daily basis and quite another to have to read about it constantly as well. I just have enough symptoms of my own without constantly reading about others trials with these diseases of the brain and a lot of it was incessant whining. And it is a disease no less debilitating than lets say cancer. It robs you of your life, yet you live on an empty, broken shell if you can’t find medications that help. And some never do; forever caged in the tormenting prisons that are their minds living the rest of their lives homeless and destitute or in care homes and institutions shunned by their families. Death is not a viable respite unless you take such matters into your own hands unlike those with more “chronic” life ending diseases that can be seen on blood tests, CAT scans, MRIs, and X-Rays.

I still struggle daily, but just don’t share it. I have learned that when people hear or read you have schizophrenia then that automatically conjures images of killers and violent individuals in their minds. You are immediately distrusted and treated as suspect. I think we all have seen the episodes of Law and Order or CSI were the killer is a delusional schizophrenic who takes the life of a loved one because his voices were telling him to do so. Schizophrenics are such convenient plot devices for crime dramas as it makes a compelling story and interesting court room battle as the defendant tries to plea insanity along with the moral and ethical questions that arise. I would argue that most schizophrenics are more apt to hurt themselves than others. This disease will predisposition you for self destruction and/or suicide. There are always exceptions to the rule though, but the same goes for mentally healthy society as well. There are far more mentally capable killers and crime committers than there ever will be mentally ill of the same ilk.

I hope for some of you that have read me for a long time will see that schizophrenics can be kind, caring, and loving people with the proper treatment. I have fears, wants, desires, and lusts just like you. I also have a vibrant soul and mind yearning to express themselves. I love and care about a great deal of people in my online and offline life and want only what is best for them. I would never want to harm those that I care about deeply.

One of my most persistent symptoms lately is paranoia of ridicule in public. I am scared of strangers and unfamiliar people. I feel they are watching me intently and laughing at me behind my back and to my face. Often on these daily hikes lately, I leave the house and cross the Georgia state line just yards down from my home. Soon, I am in downtown West Point, Georgia; a bustling old southern downtown with many walking pedestrians, cars whizzing by, and century old storefronts. As I walk through town to reach the tracks beyond, I have to fight the thoughts that all these many eyes are prying and watching me. A simple smile and hello as a stranger passes on the sidewalk can mean to me that they are mocking me and laughing at me. It is so pervasive it can be all encompassing to me at that moment. It is a battle to push those thoughts out of my mind and to rationalize “normal” thinking about such matters. Without the help of my medications, I would not be able to grasp that last step in these encounters.