What I wrote on this date last year...
She was sound asleep. I had been reading a book and I rolled over in the bed to check on her. She looked so peaceful. I brushed the hair out of her face and kissed her on the cheek. All was well in the world.
Otis, our Boston terrier, jumped up upon the pine trunk at the foot of our bed making a clamorous noise. He had been outside to relieve himself. You could hear the flap of the dog door as he came back in.
“Shhhhh,” I said as I grabbed him with my arms. “Momma is asleep.”
He snuggled up close to me and scurried under the covers. Rachel stirred.
“What are you two up to?” She asked sleepily as she rolled over slightly.
“Hey, doll,” I said as looked down upon her. “Your two men are fixing to head to bed.”
“Good, you know I have to work early tomorrow,” Rachel said as she rolled back over.
I kissed her again on the cheek and said good night. I reached over and turned off our bedside lamp. I pulled Otis close to me and pulled the covers over us. I laid there in the dark as the ceiling fan went round and round. I felt a hand reach across the bed and fumble for mine. I grasped it tightly and squeezed it.
“I love you,” Rachel said as she grasped my hand.
“I love you too, sweetheart,” I replied. “You go to sleep.”
I often wonder if things could have been different. I wonder if our marriage could have worked. That fumbling hand in the darkness still strikes a strong chord within me. I would love nothing more than to wrap a beautiful woman in my arms now and to go to bed. Times past; times lost; such is life.
8 comments:
Perhaps it is times past, memories made? I wouldn't say that time has been lost, but perhaps a more focused future after reviewing the past?
I miss the hand as well.
I read this today and immediately thought of you.
"For many years,
I was the self-appointed inspector
of snowstorms and rainstorms
and I did my duty faithfully."
~Henry David Thoreau
Wow. While I've read a lot of the archives, (when I first found your blog I had more free time nad enjoyed reading them) I guess I didn't go a year back. I didn't know it was only a year ago today you were still with Rachel. A year can be a long time, or a short time, depending on many things.
I can totally relate tho. We're not divorced yet, but I left my husband in 2003. Many circumstances have delayed the divorce being filed. It was a horrid marriage, that I chose, well HAD, to end, but I went through some serious stuff. Once in a while, I'll remember something nice and take a short ride on an emotional rollar coaster.
I'm sorry to read about yours.
After thinking about it, the last paragraph could have been written now, or last year. That means you may not have been with Rachel this time last year. I just assumed the last paragraph was written now for some reason.
Either way, I was still sorry to hear about it because I know what it's like. I kind of hope the last part was from last year, so I know you haven't had that moment now.
Liz,
I wrote it last year, but it happened several years ago. I was just trying to capture a moment in time with words. That is one of the more pleasant memories I have of being with Rachel.
Jonathon
Ah I see. I knew I'd assumed wrong.
I sent you a GMail.
That's a beautiful memory.
Jonathan,
This is beautiful writing. It brings me into the scene and terrifies me. I don't want to be able to write or feel anything this clearly years later, as you have. Like Liz, my divorce, while finally final last Monday, seems like it will never really be over in some ways. Your post just proved it.
My heart goes out to you, friend. I'm glad Carolyn is in your life and that, even with your illness, you are rebuilding a life that you mostly like and enjoy.
As I've said before, sir: You give me hope.
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