I know I rarely talk about it. It embarrasses me. I wish I were “normal” if there is such a thing. I have been having a lot of symptoms though. These were especially prominent when I was in Florida on vacation. The interactions with my skin deep family aggravates these symptoms. My father, brother, and sister remind me of Hyacinth Bucket off of the British sitcom Keeping up Appearances. I feel as if I am on a stage when I am around them and must constantly act and put on an air of keeping up appearances. It gets so fucking old and makes me a nervous wreck. I want to just degrade into comfortable craziness. It certainly takes less work to keep up.
Lately, I constantly think people are watching me, talking about me, and laughing at me in public. If I catch someone staring at me it just freaks me out. I want to tell them to quit fucking looking at me and have to fight the urge to lash out verbally.
I also have to fight the urge to not live in what I deem “fantasy land.” Carolyn calls it my thousand yard stare. I have a hard time discerning fantasy from reality. The images in my mind can be so vibrant and oh so real. It is sometimes comforting to escape into fantasy land. It is certainly more interesting than waking life. I can entertain myself for hours it seems.
When I drank, these symptoms would be lessened. I would become comfortably numb after about the sixth beer. Around the twelfth beer, I would feel happy and content and forget about all what ails me. Drinking was a vicious cycle for me. The addiction fed itself by the good feelings and confidence it gave me. I actually felt like a “normal” person for a change. Little did I know I was nothing more than a sorry drunk who couldn’t even wipe his own ass without fucking it up.
3 comments:
Wiping your own ass can be hard anyway, sober or not sober. It can be a difficult thing, you know. :)
How I wish I could take it all away for you. But, we all have obstacles in our lives that we must overcome. This is yours.
As for the people who stare at you, I always find that staring back at them makes it stop. Most people don't want a challenge when you are staring straight at them. It's a dual of the coolest kind when you can get someone to look away. Try that to see if it works. If not, you can always resort to - "Hey! What the f*** are you looking at, you idiot!"
Have a great day, my friend. As always, I love everything about you. Don't change a bit.
I think it's good that you are aware of your fantasy life and that you find it far more interesting and enjoyable than real life. Actually, who wouldn't? You are aware and that's good.
People that stare are morons. I know, I'm married to one that stares at people. It's them, not you. Trust me.
And I had to laugh. As I was reading this, my son was watching a rerun of Keeping Up Appearances... Ohhhh RICHARD!
It's the fantasy land that makes your ability to write so creatively I'm convinced. Please don't change a thing, for anyone!! There is no such thing as "normal". Just different levels of craziness...LOL
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