Monday, October 16, 2006
Wanton Abandonment…
I am not feeling well tonight. I went down to my father’s drugstore to get some coca-colas this morning. He was not there. I told one of his technicians what I was doing and she said okay as I got a paper bag and filled it with cokes. I then stole a bottle of mouthwash and spent all day drinking it. The whole drinking thing feeds upon itself as all I can think of is obtaining more. I want to get completely blitzed, but must not. I called my mother and handed her my wallet containing over $200 dollars in cash. I begged her not to tell my father what had happened, but knowing her, she will anyway. At least, I don’t have money now and can’t drink anymore. It will force me to sober up. I am just waiting for the next shoe to drop as my father comes home and my mother tells him what I have done. I just can’t take confrontation tonight at all. I just wanted to feel better and look what I have done. I have completely fucked things up.
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6 comments:
Don't beat yourself up over your setback. It happens. And perhaps you'll have to face the wrath of your father, or maybe not... don't dwell on the what-if's. At least you are recognizing your problem early instead of binging all night. I suggest you call one of your AA buddies asap. That should help.
I'm sorry you're feeling bad today. A question... Do you think you told your mother because you want the negative attention from your father?
If you need to talk. I'm here for you.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this once again. You are in my prayer and I'm thinking of you often.
Don't let how your father reacts to this define what you think of yourself....you know who you are. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
Blessings,
Lisa
Read you gmail please. I need you to respond asap.
Maybe being honest and straightforward with your dad, as you just have been with yourself and your mom will help?
To me you only did something "wrong" (sorry, can't find the word I want in english and this one is a poor one... but I have to go to work soon) to immediately correct it of your own will and strength.
So basically from a bad start you finally did great...
hope things go well with you and your dad.
Then Carolyn will be by your side.
Your friends are here to support you,
best to you,
with love,
Laurent
Sir:
You are beating yourself up for absolutely no gain. So you drank.... big deal. In the reality of life very few people who enjoy drinking will stay sober for years or decades at a time. It is just the simple fact. The number of AA folk who are sober for years and decades is small compared to the many who go on the wagon and then slide off occasionally, time and time again.
You are more than whether you are drinking or not drinking. From your writings the last few months it does seem you want to lead a pretty much non-drinking life. As long as that is YOUR decision and no one else's then it is a damn good decision and the right one for you to make. Just because you have an occasional time where you go against that decision, does not mean you are bad or weak or wrong or any of that... it means you are not perfect... and perhaps this is the most important part of the message.... knowing you are not perfect is a good thing!
All you can do is simply brush yourself off, get up, and get back on the non-drinking track that you seem to want most of the time. And , keep in mind that you will likely be able to stay away for longer and longer periods of time as you practice going without. But also be aware of the likely possibility that you may go drink some at some point in the future again... and that is just a part of life for a person who likes to drink but chooses to not do so.
I am afraid I am a bit long-winded above. In a nutshell, sir, I am asking you to not beat yourself up over this. I would advise you to simply choose again what you want to do (the presumption is you want to not drink), and start again. In the big picture, if you drink one day every three months, that means you have spent 361 days out of 365 sober.... that is over 98%. That is an "A" in any person's book as far as I am concerned. Do not denegrate yourself because you cannot be perfect. None of us is perfect.
PipeTobacco
http://frumpyprofessor.blogspot.com
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