"I'm worried about you," Rosa said over the phone last night. "You haven't been to A.A. in over a week and you went like clockwork for months."
"I'm fine," I said, trying to reassure her. "I don't feel the urge to drink these days."
I had also gotten a call earlier in the evening from my A.A. friend, Wanda, worried about the same thing. I assured her, as well, that I was okay. Amazingly, I just don't want to drink. I don't want to feel like crap anymore and I have come too far to fall back into that pit of despair.
Yesterday, I was standing in Fat Albert's convenience store, buying my beloved smoked and pickled hot sausages. I passed by the beer cooler and my old favorites leapt out like beacons in the night to greet me. Coors Light. Milwaukee's Best Ice Beer. Miller High Life. It didn't even faze me and for once in my life I didn't stop, longingly, to look at something that was such an integral part of my life for years and something that almost destroyed it. My stomach did a flip-flop thinking about drinking that swill. My old reaction would have been to start salivating like one of Pavlov's dogs.
So many aspects of Alcoholics Anonymous just didn't suit my tastes – especially, the extremely cult-like manifestations that emanated from the program. Yes, there are lifers. I've met my fair share of them. I just don't think I am going to be one of those folks. I took what I needed from Alcoholics Anonymous and left the rest. Now, it is time for me to leave as well and move on.
"Why did you never go to Narcotics Anonymous?" I then asked Rosa.
"When I got out of detox and was over the withdrawals, I never looked back," Rosa said. "I didn't want to die and I was going to die smoking that shit. I just didn't feel the need to smoke crack any longer."
"Fear can be a powerful motivator," I mused.
"Fear of death was more powerful than the fear of God."
I always used to be so amazed at Rosa's strength when dealing with her addiction. Now, I am finding that same strength within me as well. Life's future sure is looking brighter and brighter each and every day.
12 comments:
the tone of your entries has changed a bit since moving to your new place. Your blog has a tremendously positive attitude and I hope it's reflecting your life and not reacting to that comment awhile back about negativity. One of the things I love about reading you is your honesty, your willingness to share the good and the bad. I totally understand moving on from AA because it no longer fits your needs: I've moved on from other groups for the same reason. Will you stay in touch with Wanda? If you need to, will you go back to the group?
I felt fortunate that I've come across your blog, you have channeled alot of strength into your writing. Keep posting great post=) You never know how much it might help and touch another person.
Andrew, my daughter has stopped going to AA as well. It has me worried as she is just 40 days sober and this is the first time she has been sober this long since...Lord, it has been years.She is also still hanging out with her old group of friends. My knees are knocking cause I'm so scared about it.
I have been reading your blog for a few weeks. You really have changed in your tone recently. I like it. You can move on, but don't get over confident in your ability to cope. That happens to all of us with usually unwanted effects. Keep on doing what you are doing.
I haven't heard you talk about life in such a positive light is such a long time. It is good to hear you are doing so well and are so happy. Ride this wave all the way. Keep on the right track. :)
Hey. This is probably the greatest news I heard the whole week and probably made my day. Been feeling down lately, and today reading ur positive outlook cheered me up a bit.
BTW, personally I never feared death.
Shy_Smiley,
I will certainly stay in touch with Wanda and will go to a meeting when I feel the need arises. I am just no longer going every night. I hope you've had a good day.
Kyrie,
Cheer up! I am glad something I wrote made you feel better and thank so much for your comments. You make my day and cheer me up by writing them. Take care of yourself on the other side of the world. :-)
yo and rosa are incredibly strong to ba able to walk away. for me, i never enjoyed that kind of stuff, but for someone who did it must be hard at first. i smoke from the time i was 15 until i was about 23. one day i got worried it would give me cancer one day so i quit. after a the first year i hated smoking, still do. im so glad i quit before i had kids. smokers often raise smokers aside from the fact it's detrimental to your kids.
I understand Rosa. I was hooked on meth for more years than I care to admit. I had that revelation that it will kill me. I've been clean for 5 years (six next month) The realization that it was going to be the end of me was the turnaround point. I used to hang around in a hood where you could find baggies full of meth on the ground on a saturday morning.I wan't above picking up a stray bag and using it. I proud I can pass these things up now. The hunger is still there. My eyes dilate at the sight of a glass pipe but I now love myself too much to get high.
I think i have replaced the need with pizza but... one thing at a time.
oh were was i going with this...
I never went to AA or NA. People tell me I'm abstaining but I know I have broken it.
Andrew, I want to just shout! I am so glad to hear your change and your strength.
Hey, nice blog you have here. I was bloghopping when I come across your blog. Hope you don't mind me reading. :)
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