What would you do if you had a grown son who was once homeless and a severe drunkard? You watched on as he was drinking himself to death -- everyday a little piece of your once outgoing son would die. Towards the end of my drinking career, I was having blackouts -- not remembering what I did or where I drove. I was drinking up to 24 beers a day. I was on the road to destruction.
What would you do if that same son had an extreme mental illness -- an almost debilitating mental illness that had also claimed the social life and profession of your wife. You had gone through this once, and now you were facing it again with your oldest son who was now dependent upon you.
I don't blame my father for what he has done. As I grow in recovery and sobriety, I see his severe methods almost as needed. He saved my life. He made me learn to live without a drink. He has made sure I had the basic necessities of life -- all the things that my drinking was robbing me of. Today I have twenty dollars in my wallet, and I didn't drive down immediately to get a case of beer to get drunk. THAT IS A MIRACLE! I came home and decided to save that money to do an oil change on Rosa's car.
It is my own fault that my father is not received in a good light on this blog. It reminds me of when I was married. Rachel was always badmouthing me to her parents, and then would act surprised when they didn't like me and when I wouldn't be around them. She made her bed and had to lie in it, and so have I. I hope to change that. I love my father. I would be dead without him or on the way out. I would be just another homeless statistic languishing in a major city. Rife with addictions, dishonesty, and thievery.
27 comments:
And there are two sides to every story. I always kind of figured your father is just doing the best he knows how.
I agree. It is a very difficult position for a parent (or spouse, or adult child) to help their family member deal with addiction and mental illness.
It's all well and good for us to air our opinions in cyberspace. I, for one, am not living in his shoes (or yours). I am sure it is not easy for either one of you. Perhaps change is in order, just to put your relationship in a better place.
Or maybe it works just the way it is.
Thanks for posting this about your dad. I think it's cool that you are "honoring your father".
I would do EVERYTHING in my power to save that child's life. I think that is just what your Dad has done. He loves you, that's quite obvious, otherwise, he would have abandoned you long ago. You are so fortunate to have parents that love you and want to see you do well. Now just look at the sobriety counter--84 days. Would you be sober if your Dad had left you alone? Thank you for sharing some of his side.
You can always call him & tell him how much you love him. Maybe thank him for never giving up on you, God knows the man is trying his best. How about a big hug for him when he comes over tonight?
You might give him a copy of what you wrote on your blog today & let him read exactly how you feel about things. But most of all, it's wonderful that you have come to realize that his "tough love" has kept you alive. The fact that you see things through his eyes now, is a huge accomplishment.
The job may not have worked out for you Andrew, but it's bringing many things to the forefront of your life in your days of sobriety.
Yay for you!
Nobody can understand others' complex relationships like they can understand their own. You still need a place to vent though. I try to remind myself when your dad sounds over the top to me, that he's your dad and it's really none of my business. You guys will work it out. I wish it was easier.
Great post. Your Dad is a good man and so are you!
You ask what we would do. I do have a son in a situation similar to yours, and I would probably do pretty much as your dad does if my son were close by. God knows it wouldn't be easy for either of us.
A psychiatrist my son was seeing once told me it was evident that my son had had good training during his growing up years. You don't know how I've clung to that during all these years that I've been wishing I could help him more.
I don't know you, but through your writing and love for your dad (even when he aggravates the hell out of you), I think the good training he and your mom gave you shows through.
IMO, unless you're involved in a situation like yours and my son's, I don't think you can really appreciate what it's like. There are no good answers to some of these questions -- answers that would appear normal to those not faced with these particular problems. For your sake, your dad's sake, my son's sake, and my and my husband's sake, I wish there were some easy, simple answers.
Hang in there.
(Sorry for being so wordy, but this really hits home.)
The story of the prodigal son is a good one for you to read. The son leaves home to pursue his own ways even though the father worries and longs for him to be home. When the son gets into trouble and realizes home is the best place for him, he returns, expecting to be shunned. Instead his father is there on the porch, waiting with open arms to receive him and love him and accept him.
This is also how God views us. He's just waiting for us. I'm sure your father loves you in the same way.
Hugs!
What your Father does is for love. It's what I used to do for my Mother... who sadly never "got" that I wasn't trying to ruin her life.. I was trying to keep her in our lives.
Mostly, I'm so glad you see that. And that you're on day 84. And that you're saving your $20.00.
Have a wonderful Tuesday.
Andrew,
You are growing as a person. Your ability to look at your Dad with fresh eyes is so exciting! The road ahead will be hard, but your father is your major ally. I feel that your heavenly Father has been watching over you as well. God bless you,
Charlotte
Have you ever been this long without drinking since you started??
Just curious...
you are growing...your blog is evolving..thanks for allowing us the privilege of riding along with you on the journey.
As a mom I have done things to protect and guide my children that I would have never dreamed I would do. There are times when unexpected limitations show up that I did not prepare them for. Sometimes I have to love them enough to let them be angry at me or make them think I am phsyco-mom. So far when that happens the child comes to me later and says " You were right and now I see that the next time I need to buck up and take care of this myself... I am too old to have my mom do this." I look back with no regrets. I will look foolish or die for my children any day if needed. The tension between you and your dad is real and there is no way for the 2 of you to know if you are always "doing the right thing" so how could any of us on the outside judge. Thank you for posting your life and this struggle. It is so good for my own perspective and my self forgiveness for being a mama bear. Know that your dad loves you more than life itself and that he is no doubt overwhelmed himself at times. Take care.
Sue
Please put only the positive comments in your mind, your dad is only loving you the only way he knows how. You are 84 days sober, and are surrounded by family and friends that love you very much. Rely on that fact...McDonald's didnt pan out, but that doesnt define you or your heart!
B~
Remember how you said people in your situation often have arrested development? Well, your attitude towards your Dad has sometimes been pretty teenagerish, but then he does sometimes treat you like that. But as you evolve and mature, your attitude towards him is doing the same. Parents aren't perfect, the best they can do is be a good example and show that they love you.
While my cousin wasn't mentally ill, he was a severe alcoholic for a while and his mother did temporarily kick him out. But once he decided to sober up he was welcomed back home with open arms. Now he has been her primary caretaker for a while (she is now 87).
I can totally see your father's side. This however is a place for you to vent and that is ok too. You are growing up Andrew. We see a little of it everyday and yet it's a slow process for everyone. Don't be in such a hurry. The best things are worth waiting for.
What a wonderful post, what a great place for you to be in relationship to your dad.
I can see that AA is working for you in so many ways.
God Bless You, Andrew!!
Lena
Andrew, I don't see your father in anything but GOOD light. I'm sure your readers don't get the "whole picture" of your previous life. Which is fine.... but all the more reason why we shouldn't pass judgement on your parents. And for that reason, I'm sure your Dad is doing what he KNOWS is best for you. Don't worry about what others think. I try to keep in mind that there is always two sides to every story. If your Dad could write on your blog, I'm sure we'd hear another part, his side of your story.... am I close? And no offense to you whatsoever... I think you've come a long way. Keep it up!
I would give him as much help as he needed and try to teach him to be self sufficient so he would be able to take care of himself someday...
This is probably case where Father Knows Best. I know that you wanted that job, but perhaps what you really wanted more than the money, the computer, was INDEPENDENCE. Continue that road through your vocational rehab to achieve that. In reading your blog, I think that is what you are really after.
Sweet Pea... Whatever you decide to do, however you decide to do it, is your business and not mine. If you feel your father is doing his best to guide you and take care of you, then that is fine with me. I will never judge you or him for it. He only wants the best for you, as we all do. He might not be right all the time, but he may be right some of the time. Don't worry what I may think. You do what you feel is best for you. You know how I feel about you.
Sweet dreams to you and Rosa. Tell her congratulations on her new car. She must be elated!
It doesn't matter what "we" think of your father, only your relationship with him. The fact that you care, is really just a way of showing your love and appreciation for him. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the fact that we're all human and therfore not perfect. Those who judge other people on their imperfections and assume to know their motives, are the most suspect I think.
This piece was the most enlightened of your writings that I have ever read...
relationships between parents and children can be just as hard as others. Take care, best of luck to you Andrew.
Don't sell yourself short. You are very capable and resourceful. Though your father has worked very hard to do what he feels is best for you and to support your recovery, how you live your life is up to you. He has provided much for you and you appreciate that. But, at some point, you might consider whether his control through generosity is what is best for you.
One thing that seems clear to me, a distant blogger reader is that sobriety is crucial!!!
I rarely post responses here, though I read your blog most every day. I have never posted anything about your father, though his actions concern me a great deal.
I know you love him, but please don't sell yourself short. He did not keep you alive - you made that choice. You.
My parents tend to believe they saved my sister's life when she started dealing with her own mental illness.
But the truth is, if you were determined to destroy yourself, you would have done it. He may have given you a boost towards recovery, but you're doing the work. And I've been very impressed by your progress as I've read your blog these past couple of years.
And God made it possible for your father to do what he did.
Sorry it's taken me so long to post a comment here. I've been thinking and I don't know what I'd do..as a mom it's hard to say. from someone that has a brother that needs some extra assistance, I'd have to say (and I haven't read the comments so pardon me for repeating if I do so happen to) But, I'd have to say that what "i'd" do, is never stop loving, giving and trying because obviously everyone needs different things, and perhaps for my brother, he will always need to be hand held..as long as he isn't doing anything too destructive I would enable,..but I'm not his parents, I'm only the sister..for you, you have a strong love for your parents and also a strong desire to be well, of course at times the two don't mix, and we're human when we get frustrated and angry with our parents, just as I'm certain, they do with us. it's such a tangled web of mess, but at least for some of us, we still have our parents around..that in itself is a blessing, as you realize wholeheartedly. I hope you never beat yourself up for getting mad at dad or mom, because you're a man that tries 100% to be a better person...never lose that part of you please, it's a beautiful part of who you are!
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
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