Enter the Burger Zone...

Reality for me today was barely being able to order two cheeseburgers for Maggie and I.  I've been over excited about the weather and it was telling on me late this afternoon.  The cashier rung me up and as she was giving me the change, my shaky hand dropped it and coins went rolling all over the place. 

"I'll help you pick it up," the cute cashier told me.

"Keep the change," I told her with a faux smile and quickly exited.

My hands were shaking so badly I could barely put the keys in my car's ignition once I had made it outside.  I had to sit in the parking lot and breathe deeply to get an anxiety attack under control.  I thought I would never make it home safe.  I made it, though, but I doubt I will be eating cheeseburgers for a long time after that.  The one I bought is sitting on the kitchen counter and getting cold.     

My Favorite Comedian...

Why does Jim Breuer always look stoned?  He looks rough in this video. 

Snow Potential for Alabama...

Silly Bugger...

I just drove home from my parent's house.  Dad was off from work and watching the weather.

"It is 70 degrees outside," I said to him deflated.  "Surely it is not going to snow like they say it is."

"It's a cold core low," he replied. "It is bringing the cold weather with it."

I couldn't get dad to bet with me that is wasn't going to snow.  The loser was going to have to grill out hamburgers one night next week.

The bradford pears are blooming.  I thought is was early, but dad says it is about time.  I can't wait for summer to get here. 

Sensitive Sam...

It was about 10 AM this morning when Helen came.  I had been up for hours working on some model railroading projects.  Helen barely said 5 words to me the whole time she was here.  I am so sensitive and thought she was mad at me for some reason.  I should have just asked her. 

I called mom after Helen had left.

"Is something wrong with Helen?" I asked.

"Why?" mom then asked.

"She acted surly to me all morning," I replied. 

"No, silly!" mom said. "It is not you. Helen and her husband are having terrible money problems right now.  She borrowed $40 from me today."

I hated to hear Helen was having problems, but I sighed with relief that it wasn't about me. 

I managed to walk again this morning.  Only one mile, but I plan to add to the mileage as I go.

Brace yourselves!  We have a 60 percent chance of snow tomorrow night and Sunday.  I am already getting excited. 

Ridiculous Rap Lyrics...

I found this blog and just roared with laughter after reading for awhile.  I, too, used to listen to rap music in high school.  It makes me shudder now. 

Snacks and Shit

Newest Kindle 2 Review...

I really like these little contraptions. I would hope they would be just the catch I need to start back reading in earnest again. That said, I do have about 10 audio books on my harddrive that I have never listened to. Need to burn them to a CD and listen.

Kindle 2 Review

Day Two: Walk-a-thon...

I woke up this morning at four and couldn't sleep.  Usually, when I get up, I am rearing to go.  I put on some clothes and noticed Maggie was sitting by the front door, wagging her tail, and looking at her leash on the piano.  "Come on girl," I told her and we headed out.  I only walked down to the elementary school and back.  About a mile.  I feel good, though.  I feel like I am doing something meaningful with my time.

I was thinking about dad as I walked.  For the past year, he has come every night to bring my medications.  He works all day and still manages to make sure I am mentally okay.  That is dedication folks.  Many people would say to hell with that.  He's a grown man.  Make him take his own medications.  At first, the paranoia almost got the best of me and I thought he was trying to control me.  Now, with my mental health as stable as it has been in years, I see he just cares about me.  I thought I would share that this morning as that has been prominent on my mind today.  

Giving my all...my all gave out...

I struck out with good intentions this morning.  Maggie was on her leash, and I was bundled up in my best walking clothes.  It was 5 AM and the sun wasn't due for another two hours.  I couldn't sleep and woke up with the mantra, "get in shape!" bouncing around in my head.  I made it two measly blocks before I got winded and cold.  So much for good intentions.  Maggie had the best time, though, as this was so out of our regular routine.

The hearing the cicadas delusion is making me long for summer.  I am tired of these chilly and drab days.  The forsythias and daffodils are already blooming this deep South so I know spring is around the corner.  I can't wait for my heirloom rose to start blooming again.  It will need a trim come spring.    

Monday's...

Auditory Hallucinations...

At first, I couldn't believe they weren't real until I covered my ears and the volume didn't go down.  I keep hearing cicadas and water rushing through pipes.  It will start out muted and crescendo to a dull roar.  I don't go back to see my doctor for months, and I am unsure whether to make a big deal of this or not.  At least they don't last.  It is strange though. 

I went by and got my daily three dollars from mom a moment ago.

"You're going to McDonald's?" mom asked.

"How did you guess?" I replied. "I am getting two sausage biscuits."

Mom gave me two more dollars to get a coffee and some hashbrowns.  That was very nice of her. 

I don't have anything planned for today.  My next visit will be dad at 9:30 tonight with my medications.  Maybe they will chase away these weird noises I am experiencing. 

Visits in the AM...

One of my cousins came by early this morning with gifts.  She brought a big bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Breakfast was four cookies and a glass of milk.  I really shouldn't been eating them (diet), but I am a sucker for homemade chocolate chip. 

Maggie cornered a possum on my back deck this morning as well.  There was a wild 20 minutes of ferocious barking until I got a broom and swept the possum away.  It rolled over, finally played dead, and I took it by naked tail to the backyard and gently set it free. 

Today is my great aunt's 93rd birthday.  She amazes me with how well she does.  She still lives alone, gets up, fixes breakfast, and cleans her kitchen.  She has to use her walker now, though.  Dad is taking her to some nice restaurant on the backwater.  I was invited, but decided to stay home.  Not sure if I can take all that social stuff anyway today. 

Bwahahaha....

Maggie's Late Christmas...

I stepped outside early this morning to check Maggie's outside water bowl.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving.  Down at the far end of the yard was a stray cat who had jumped over the fence.  "This should prove interesting!" I mused to myself in my thoughts.  It took Maggie a few moments to catch on until she saw that cat.  You had never heard more ferocious barking than what was spewing from Maggie's mouth.  It was like having a front row seat to a much ballyhooed boxing match.  Maggie won as the cat finally figured out how to jump back over the fence.  That was one funny and wild cat chase for a moment there. 

Terribly Not Safe for Work...

Or for people who are squeamish about profanity.  The following parody is chock full of off color words.  Listen at your own risk.  That said, I thought this was a hilarious parody of home electronics and the companies that build them.  Hope some of you laugh. 

Sony releases new stupid piece of shit.

Gulp Goes a Pill...

I was in my doctor's office bathroom just a moment ago gulping down some Klonopin.  This every two week injection thing makes me nervous, but I feel so much better afterwards.

"Feeling better?" dad asked as I sat back down. "You sure are sweating.  Wipe your brow."

I wanted mom to take me but dad said, "We are not getting into all that shit this morning.  Your mother gets things too complicated."

My nurse is so kind and caring.  She weighed me and took my blood pressure. 

"All good," she said. "And you continue to lose weight."

As me and dad were driving home, we stopped at the newly built McDonald's up the road.  Three egg mcmuffins later we were on our way back to my house.

"I love you son," dad told me.

"I love you more than anything," I told him back.

Now for a quiet day in which I hope I am devoid of any anxiety attacks.  It will take a few hours for my shot to start working. 

The Sandman...

I was almost asleep in my mother's Lazy-Boy when I looked up and saw mom picking her nose.

"Mom, that's gross!" I exclaimed.

"I thought you were asleep!" she defended herself.

"Digging for gold? Eh?"

I didn't want to go home.  I had come to get my cokes.  It was going to be a long anxiety filled afternoon waiting on dad to come with my medications. 

"What are you going to do when you get home?" mom asked, almost reading my mind.

"Listen to Coast to Coast AM and watch Tru TV court coverage," I replied.

"Do you still go to AA?" mom asked.

"Seldom," I said. "The meetings in town suck and it is too long a drive to Lagrange. I can't afford the gas."

"Are you out of gas?" mom asked.

This is where a few words could make this get very complicated or simple.  If I say I am out of gas, mom will insist we go get some.  I say no and go home without any worries.  I said no and drove myself on home.  I still have a 1/4 of a tank.  I am already missing mom though.  I am entirely too dependent upon my parents for everything even socialization.  

Curious George...

I lay on the floor of my den balled up like a fetus in the womb and cried, "Please dear God!  No more house cleaning!"  What followed would be a cigarette and then the thought of doing more terrible chores.  There was a lot more thinking about cleaning than actual cleaning getting done.  I am not very domestic. 

My 4 AM in the morning guest to-be was George.  I went for a morning cup of coffee at Fat's.  George said, "Why didn't you answer your door?"

"Dude! It was freakin' four in the morning," I told him. "You 'bout gave me and Maggie a nervous condition."

"You always used to get up early anyway," George said in his defense. 

He wanted to borrow money.  I had two dollars to my name.  One sure thing about George is then he never fails to pay you back.  I just didn't have any to give him. 

Mom came by this afternoon.  She brings three 20oz Coca-Colas with her when she visits.  I swear those are the best damn cokes I have ever drank.    I can just feel all that caffeine coursing through my veins.  Don't say, "I told you so!" if I have a anxiety attack drinking this stuff.  It is my version of living dangerously. 

Strange Days...

Maggie started her "muted cough" routine about 4 AM this morning.  It is where she really wants to bark, but is afraid I will get on to her.  Moments later there was a loud knock on my door. "I sure as hell ain't answering the door at 4 AM in the morning," I thought. I waited about thirty minutes and then turned every light on in the house and outside.  Maggie then spent the next hour barking like a mad dog.  I thought I would never get back to sleep.

Later this morning, I drove over to mom's and dad's for my sodas.  Dad was gone to God's Country to see my great aunt.  Mom was in the bed. 

"I'm excited!" mom told me as I was petting her cat, Muffin.

"Excited about what?"

"Mother's inheritance she left for me," mom told me. "Your father says we are going to put it in certificates of deposit and I can live off the interest."

"I will know who to beg when I need a new computer," I told her jokingly. 

I was glad my grandmother left something for mom.  Mom and my grandmother never got along and I was fearing she would be left out of the will. 

This Just Cracks Me Up!!!

Breakfast at Dad's...

Dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday this morning.  I was trying to think of something practical.

"More games for your Wii?" he asked.

"I know!" I replied. "Let's get the one-hundred-thousand mile service done on my Honda at the car dealership in Lagrange."

"That is what we will do then," he said. "We'll get your car washed as well."

I feel really good today (knock on wood).  You won't hear any complaints from me.  It is raining and Maggie is asleep on the bed.  I think I will got get lost in Zelda for the Wii.  It is the perfect day for video games. 

Religion Delivered...

It is 5:00 this afternoon.  Mom shows up at my house just as two Mormon missionaries visit. 

"Sorry boys," I told them. "I've got to unload my groceries."

"Help!" mom mouthed from her car.

I walked over and mom was having a terrible anxiety attack.  She was sweating profusely and looked pale as a ghost.

"It started at the grocery store," she told me.  "I am going to lie down inside."

Mom got to feeling better after laying down  That crazy dog, Maggie, jumped up on the bed and wouldn't get off.

"She's okay," mom finally said. 

Like mother, like son.  We both struggle with these things and our mental illnesses.  I am just glad she is okay.  I know how terrifying those attacks can be. 

Sincerity...

I've been trying some social experiments lately to try and overcome my social anxiety.  I watch dad a lot and have been trying to mimic him.   Helen was in my parent's kitchen this morning as I went over to get my sodas.  I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "It is so good to see you!"  I said it with the utmost sincerity.  You could see Helen relax and she gave me a big hug.

"What's gotten into you baby?" she asked.

"I'm just glad to call you a friend," I replied. 

"You want an extra special supper for Friday, don't you?"

I laughed and then woke mom up to let her know I was there.  I told mom how much she meant to me and how all she does for me makes my life so much more livable.  Mom mumbled something half asleep and I got my cokes and headed home.   

Pooped Pups...

Maggie doesn't get going till after noon these days.  I've been up since 6.  Who has the better idea and habits?  Maggie!

Twitter - The Double Edged Sword...

I can't remember how long I've been using Twitter.  At least a year now I think.  Initially, I found most of the people I follow through The Homeless Guy.  Meaning they lived in Nashville.  So when the Tennessee Titans played, I got mainly NFL theme Twitters.  That was a drag and a small minority of Nashvillians who twitted a lot filled my Twitter screen.  That got old quick.  

I mainly wanted a way to micro blog.  I didn't much care for the social chat aspects.  I just wanted to share what was going on in between the lines of my meatier blog posts.  You will find people that spend all day using Twitter as a chat client.  Tiresome to me. I wanted to be able to Twit about Maggie and not take up a whole blog post to do it.

Lately, I found Amy Palko from Scotland.  She's a busy Twitter person and her following just continues to grow.  I checked out her followers and found all kinds of new and interesting people to follow.  My Twitter tweets went from mundane to interesting overnight.  Now, I am hearing about the Alps, or holidays in Spain.  The weather in Britain, and life overseas.  Twitter is interesting again to me and I needed it.  I was about to quit, tired of my Nashville following.  

A Day's End...

"What'cha doing?" my very loud and teenager-esque neighbor asked me a moment ago.

"Sunset for my blog," I replied. 

"I thought only teenage girls wrote blogs," he deadpanned and laughed.

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your dogs and home tonight," I growled under my breath.

But he's a good guy when he keeps his car stereo down to below earthquake levels.  I am sounding old now. "Hey, you kids!  Get off my lawn!"

Faux Spring...

It is a gorgeous day.  I sat for the longest time on my back deck in the sun smoking pipe after pipe of pungent pipe tobacco.  Maggie stayed right with me and got lots of attention. 

Maggie is pouting with me now, though.  I had to put on her anti-flea treatment and she hates it.  She will pout for about 2 or 3 days avoiding me.  You would think I did something as so drastic as to abuse her.  She is such a funny dog.

My mind is clear and bright today.  Not the usual dark and dingy mental illness pall that can befall me.  I pray for mornings like today when I get out of bed feeling rested and mentally healthy.  If you are of a sane mind then thank your maker. 

Shine on me, sun!

It is a beautiful day today!  Maggie hasn't been inside since the sun came up.  I had a bunch of leftover chicken nuggets this morning.  I gave them to Maggie hoping she would eat them.  What did she do?  She went and buried them one by one in the backyard.  What makes dogs do this?

Early this morning after dad left for work, I drove over to see mom.  We lay on the bed and just talked.  Mom got a brand new HDTV flat screen television in her bedroom and the huge thing just mesmerizes me.  She has never turned it on.  I turned in on and coveted and admired it for awhile. 

"Do you think it is strange I sleep all day and night?" she asked me.

"The p-doc would say you are depressed," I replied of our doctor.

"I like to tell that goober little to nothing," Mom said.

I just burst out laughing.  I hadn't laughed so hard in days.  Goober indeed. 

Diarrhea of the Keyboard...

I embarrassed myself yesterday.  Most normal people wouldn't be blogging to 300 strangers a day about their parents not letting him have money.  I need some kind of editor to warn me of these blogging faux pas.  It is definitely not how to win friends and influence people.  That's all I've got to say today. 

The 3 Dollars of Doom!

Dad had cooked homemade chili and grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch.  Unfortunately, I had my mind set on other fare.  I was over at my parent's to get cokes and cigarettes.  Mom keeps a big sack of 20 oz Coca-Colas on her car's backseat and usually keeps two cartons of cigarettes in her closet.

"Do you want your 3 dollars?" mom asked.

Just as I was slipping the money in my pant's pocket, dad poked his head in the door.  It was a damn close call and he would have ripped my mother a new one if he saw her giving me money.

Does anyone else see the absurdity in all this?  I will be 37 years old in April.  I keep reminding myself that I voluntarily gave up the money this last time.  I just didn't feel secure in my sobriety.  It makes it a less bitter pill to swallow.

The Long Wait...

Tim and I were talking about the best restaurants in town on the way to get my injection. 

"El Rio," Tim said. "I love their chilies relleno."

"Barne's for me," I replied. "I love their big ribeye cooked medium with a loaded baked potato."

We had to wait a long time at my doctor's office.  Tim read magazines while I fidgeted and watched the fish in the 150 gallon aquarium on the wall.  Tim noticed my agitation about something that usually only takes a few minutes and handed me two of my Klonopin.

"Your daddy said to give them to you in case of an emergency," Tim told me.

Moments later I was pleasantly mellow as Crystal, my nurse, beckoned for me to come back.  She was all perky and chipper today.  Glad to be out of nursing school for the afternoon.  The shot was administered and me and Tim made our way back to my house.  All the while we talked about hockey and the finer merits of the game.

Homecoming...

There was a knock on my door late yesterday evening.  "Charlie sure is early," I thought.  I opened the door and it was mom.  "Hallelujah!" I said. "Y'all are home!"  It was mom and dad at my front door and they came over just to see me!  No other reason!

Soon, Charlie was knocking on my front door with medications.  We had a full house and Maggie was just thrilled.  She spent time going to every human for love and attention. 

"Now, count your pills," Charlie told me.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6," I replied. 

"Now take them," Charlie said.

"Do y'all always do this?" dad asked chuckling.

"Hush," Charlie told dad laughing.

Charlie also brought a chicken plate from KFC and a six pack of diet cokes.  I am going to miss having Charlie bring my medications.  He always brings gifts.  

Sunset View...

As the sun sets, Maggie views the front yard for interlopers.  On the other hand, she could be saying, "come visit us please?"  The dog loves company and I know she tires of just me. 

Same Stick, Different Day...

I took Grannie in Florida's advice and headed outside awhile to play with Maggie. This stick gets Maggie's seal of approval.

Calls from a Jewish Princess...

"You never comment on my blog anymore!" she said after a short perfunctory hello.

"I rarely comment on blogs," I told her. 

I wanted to ask why she called me at 8 AM in the morning.  One of the few forward friends I have found blogging that doesn't dilly dally around the issues with me.  I admire and respect her bluntness.

"I feel unworthy of commenting," I told her feeling odd. "It is almost like I have an insuperiority complex."

She laughed.

"Dufus," she replied. "People love comments.  I live for comments on my blog.  Think of it as public relations for your own blog."

"Okay," I said in response.

"Well, that didn't sound too enthusiastic," she replied. 

I really have been trying to comment more.  I think I wrote ten comments yesterday.  I just read so many blogs.  It would take all day to comment on them all.