"You don't know how well you do these days," dad said patting me on my knee last night. "You are like a different man."
Dad and mom had just been out to Longhorn steakhouse for mom's birthday. Dad had swung by to give me my medications.
"Thanks," I said shyly.
I never was much one for compliments.
"I don't think you see it," dad said. "You keep your house clean. Maggie is healthy and happy. You've lost tons of weight. You really are doing good."
I didn't have the heart to tell dad I've been miserable with my anxiety and anxiety attacks lately. Appearances can be deceiving.
Dad helped me put on Maggie's flea medicine. As usual, Maggie pouted for a few hours. As dad was leaving, he gave me two clonazepam almost like a reward.
"Thanks," I said, feeling like a thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. "I love it when you surprise me."
I took the two pills and settled in for a pleasant evening. I could relax. I could enjoy TV. My thoughts were more gathered and less disjointed. "I can see why these pills are so addicting," I said to myself. If only I could take them all the time, but that is the alcoholic in me talking.
12 comments:
It'd be tempting to take them all the time, but I hope you can use them for a longer perod of time this way. It sounds like they really help!
So true about appearances being deceiving. The rain is here now, is it still there too? I personally need to see the sun shining soon. I hope you & Maggie are enjoying the day:)
Andrew, I take a small 0.5 mg pill of Clonapin before bed. It helps me to sleep through the night. I worried about an addiction but with that small dose, I've been told not to worry about it. Sleep is really important to me since I used to wake up at 3 AM with mind race. I'm glad that I don't do that anymore. Hang in there and enjoy the day.
Like Syd, couldn't you take a therapeutic dose? Seems like it could be just the right thing.
Your dad makes a point about the good that you have in your life!
I'm glad you had an evening that was relaxing!!!
I'm glad you're feeling better and you should be so proud of yourself! It's all a balancing act.
Take what works, my friend. I took 1 mg of Klonopin for YEARS. It helped me to relax, not be on edge all the time, and to sleep. With mental illness, you have to do what you have to do to stay on top of it. It's been almost a year now since I was weened off of it and have been doing pretty good, thankfully. I have spells occasionally, but I find a way to muddle through. I do know, however, that if there is EVER a time that I struggle for more than a week, I will have to go back on the meds. I'm okay with that. I will do whatever it takes to stay healthy mentally. And if that means medication, then that means medication. Know that I'm thinking about you.
I always hide my anxiety too. I'm glad you could relax and enjoy TV last evening. :)
Balance my friend, balance. Looks are deceiving a good deal of the time.
The fact that you can still function enough to cover your anxieties is a good thing and shows progress. We all struggle some of us in EPIC proportions the key is to continue functioning and when you get to the point before you can no longer function to ask for and seek out help. I see you doing that a lot more and recognizing your struggles. don't be too hard on yourself for them you are doing great!
Sir:
While I am glad that things are going reasonably well for you (other than the anxiety attacks), I still must admit I find it disturbing that medications like the clonazepam are being doled out to you not based on a medical plan from your psychiatrist/psychologist... but instead are being doled out on the whim of your father.
PipeTobacco
http://frumpyprofessor.blogspot.com
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