Admitted we were powerless…….

Yes, I was one of those “bad” homeless people; the statistical homeless person who was addicted to alcohol. Being homeless made the situation all the worse. As I sat out in my tent with nothing to do in the cold, alcohol helped me cope and to feel better. It made me feel warm and powerful. It allowed me to forget about all my pains and losses for a few short hours a day until I was so drunk I passed out and went to sleep and woke up and did it all over again. The situation exacerbated itself. It took many months after my family helped me find a home to really get sober. I don’t think I could have done it while I was homeless. I feel a certain affinity for all the bums and winos of the world as I can understand their plight.

Having a mental illness and a tenuous hold on reality didn’t help. Alcohol calmed the voices and I thought it made me think more clearly. It thought being homeless was part of some grand scheme to make me tough and resilient. The only grand scheme I was a part of was one of my own making and I couldn’t see it at the time.

One of the hardest steps for a new person in AA to work on is step one. Step one reads,”We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.” It is a hard thing to be humble and admit you have no control over a certain something but there is something incredibly liberating when it finally sinks in. To realize you have no control over this allergy of the mind and spirit and you can give away that control and find peace is a great feeling indeed.

Last night at my AA meeting, we had a fellow from Montgomery Alabama drive up and spend an hour telling us his story. At the end of his drinking, he went 63 days without sobering up and spent much of the time in a blackout. Can you imagine? Can you imagine spending almost two months of your life so inebriated that you barely remember it? It is hearing stories like this from people who almost didn’t make it that gives you hope. You think, “Hey, if that drunk can get sober then surely there is hope for me!” That is why I go to AA meetings. To find hope and to not be alone during this time of getting sober and re-evaluating my life.

Well, I will quit rambling on as I must go get some breakfast started. I just needed to put some of these thoughts down as they were rattling around in my head. Good day and be well.