I never made it out camping last night. I crawled into the bed and slept until this morning around 4 AM. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to bed very early last night. So now I am sitting here drinking my morning coffee and perusing my thoughts. I have so much I want to express and write about.
I am experiencing a great period of mental dissonance and turmoil. This has nothing to do with my mental illness. My thoughts are coherent and my mind is clear and bright. I have just been doing a lot of thinking lately and a lot of questioning the why and how of things.
My latest experiments with controlled drinking are starting to become uncontrollable I fear. I just enjoy the feeling alcohol imbibes too much. I start off very moderate and then I notice that as time goes by I drink more and more to the point to where I am once again dependent upon it. I feel I cannot go to sleep without a few drinks. I feel I am not as creative without a buzz. I do realize I am attempting to self medicate myself. I never get in trouble with alcohol but it is deeply frowned upon by my significant others. I am very adept at hiding it. I never get sloppy drunk or stumble or fall. I just mainly get and keep a mild buzz while I am camping or reading on the internet. My main problem with alcohol is the costs. It is a very expensive habit. If I shall stop again that will be my main motive.
I have also been obsessed with the idea that our culture is mentally ill lately. I see so many crazy things going on around me and it perplexes me. I had a discussion with my father the other day. We were talking about the puritanical work ethic and the value of it. I have seen my father toil for thirty years in a job he often complains about. It has made him a very wealthy man but he has little time to do anything other than work. I asked him:
“Why not work less and downsize? Sell the BMW and buy a cheap used car. Sell that huge house and pay cash for a moderately sized one that is more economical? Enjoy your life for a change.”
He argued with me that it was his “right” to have nice things and it is important to his social standing. He has a duty just like any man to work and provide for his family. I wanted to argue that he had paid a dear price for such fickle things but knew my opinion would have not carried much weight. From my own experiences these past few years I have grown to be an ardent minimalist. I realize that the simpler my life, the greater my happiness quotient.
I have also been very worried about my mother. Yesterday, I walked over just to spend some time with her. She would not get out of the bed. I sat in a chair in the bedroom so we could carry on a conversation. She will literally lie in the bed around the clock if she can. I hate to see her waste her life. She dreads everything and wants nothing more than to just lay there. She only sleeps at night. How see can lie all day in bed with a quilt over her is beyond me. I really wish I could somehow get her some help but my family members are only interested in the status quo. Before her nervous breakdown she was a spitfire and extremely active person. Now everyone is content that she is over medicated, quiet, and out of the picture. I would rather be dead than live like that; just wasting the rest of my life lying in bed doing nothing. This situation severely distresses me as I could see my family easily doing this to me. Keep him medicated. Keep him quiet. We don’t want him embarrassing us or having radical thoughts or beliefs. This same situation is reflected in much of our culture as well. Go with the flow. Work forty hours a week. Don’t question authority. Do as you are told. Buy things to support the economy.
I have lately grown frustrated with college as well. Don’t get me wrong. I greatly appreciate the opportunity to learn and have it paid for but I also see much absurdity in it as well. The majority of my classmates are not interested in learning. They are interested in points. The ladies I study with short term memorize this stuff, go take a test, and never think about the material again or comprehend it. It is all about just obtaining a good enough GPA to get into their corresponding nursing schools. I get frustrated with this as we should be LEARNING and COMPREHENDING the material. Anyone can just memorize this stuff and go regurgitate it on some form. I am finding college just to be a rite of passage to obtain a certain kind of employment and not an institution of learning. That is all the majority of students are interested in. This is very frustrating to me.
The subject of relationships came up the other day with a family member. They asked me when I was going to get remarried and have kids. I replied that I don’t have any intentions to ever get married again. This was not the answer they expected. My several years of married life to my ex-wife was a miserable existence. I felt as if I was in prison. I vowed to never let another person such as a wife dictate my emotions or my actions. I will have to live with someone many years before I ever get married again. I will also be extremely choosy in my next mate. I also don’t feel I should ever have children. There is a strong history of severe mental illness on my mother’s side of the family. These people shouldn’t have been procreating and perpetuating these genes. They all lived chaotic lives filled with strained relations with family members. I do not want to do that to my children. My brother is a fine, devoted father who is very suited to parenthood. I will let him carry on the genetic line of our lineage.
To close this essay I will ask one last question. What would be my ideal life and existence? A quiet minimal existence in some secluded corner of the world. I very much plan on working for awhile after college and saving up a large amount of money then will quit. I want to buy a nice piece of rural land and build a cabin. I want to live a minimal as possible existence. When I run out of money I shall work for a few years and then repeat the process. I do not want to have to toil for forty years to only retire when I am too old to be very active. I would also like to join the ranks of hobopoets and travel the world some. I want to experience other parts of world and explore other cultures. I find mainstream American culture to seem sterile, stifling, oppressive, and boring. Good day
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