My mother’s mother is a spiteful and cantankerous woman. I rarely see her and go visit with her and she only has negative things to say when I do visit. The other day I drove over with my mother to see about her on my mother’s request. Mom has the same feelings as I and didn’t want to go alone. I was sitting in my grandmother’s den as her and my mother was talking in the kitchen. I overheard their conversation and it startled me. My grandmother was actually sticking up for me the first time in my whole life.
“One of Jonathon’s biggest problems is that he can’t live up to Johnny’s expectations.” My grandmother said.
Johnny is my father’s nickname.
“What do you mean?” My mother asked.
“He’s not like his brother and sister. He couldn’t be a doctor. Just let him live a simple and happy life.” She replied. “Don’t put all that pressure on him. He can’t take it like me.”
This brought up many thoughts as I sat there. She really was right. All my life, I have aspired to live up to my father’s expectations and have failed miserably. I am just not like him and my brother or sister. We have different ideas on what success means. Success for me is just a simple life with simple means enjoying the small pleasures and the outdoors. Success for my father is having an esteemed profession or owning your own business. Having lots of money or credit is paramount. Neither of these things motivates me in the least.
I knew a year ago when I accepted my parent’s help to get a home that I would have to compromise a great deal and conform. I would have to once again slide into that role of a dependent and sick child that makes them feel comfortable and sometimes it gets tough. I realized yesterday as I turned 33 that I am treated as a child again. One thing I did have when I was homeless was autonomy and more dignity. It is a hard situation to rectify; homeless and free or homed and dependent upon others. This is something I mull over often and brings me great turmoil. I often romanticize that I would rather live a few short years of hard freedom versus a lifetime of imprisoned dependence on easy street.
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