Looking in the Mirror

That is such a hard thing to do. I think we all have this self perceived view of ourselves. Sometimes, it is so hard to look in the mirror and see ourselves for what we truly are.

Less than a week ago, I was prepared to give up every thing I had worked so hard for these past two years. I had packed my bags. I had made extensive plans. I wanted to take the easy way out. Homelessness? Easy? Yes, it is easier than you think. Your only concerns are keeping warm and filling your belly; none of that hard stuff like dealing with family crisis; being responsible; maintaining relationships; emotional involvement. It is much easier just to cast all that aside and just disappear out into the background noise of life; wandering the streets.

I like to think my irresponsibility is a symptom of my mental illness. That is much easier to bear, but it isn’t the truth. The irresponsibility started with me playing fast and loose with my medications. I should have made sure that I had a way to get my injection. I had a responsibility to my family and those that care about me.

My family has invested a huge amount of time in my recovery from homelessness and mental illness these past two years. They have assured I have a home. They have included me in family social events even though I am socially aloof. They have spent a large amount of money making sure I have basic medical care such as my medications. They have invested a huge amount of emotional time and involvement. I almost threw all of that away with reckless abandon and for selfish motives. I should be ashamed and am.