Last night was a very long and lonely night. I finally put Maggie into the car and we drove way out into the country to what my family calls God’s country almost across the county which is desolate around 4 AM in the morning. I was just not feeling all that well today or early this morning.
I drove over to nearby my old homeless stomping grounds to the old millpond my family once owned. I parked the car, let Maggie out to use the bathroom, and walked around some in the dark to a brilliant, starry country sky. You could hear the water roaring and cascading over the dam next to the old millhouse. It was much too dark for photographs though as I don’t have a tripod that would be necessary to take such photographs.
Maggie thoroughly enjoyed this outing and I had a hard time getting her back into the car. She was determined to stay just a bit longer. I finally scooped her up and put her on the backseat and we were on our way again in the predawn dark. I saw many a deer cross the road on the way home and had to be careful not to hit one.
I arrived back in town and drove over to the Wal-Mart 24 hour super center. I hate going to Wal-Mart, but they had something that I could not buy at Kroger. I initially bought my camera batteries and charger at Kroger, but they were out of AAA size rechargeable batteries that I use to power my little Sony radio on my hikes. It took me forever to find them. I checked out and headed home.
I am just feeling extremely sad today and languid. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just don’t feel well. I guess it could be from lack of sleep. I get so tired of this and my life being so uneasy. I am so tired of being fucked up and mentally ill. I just want a normal life and would give up everything I own to obtain it. Life is just not fair.
14 comments:
I remember my nephew telling his mother once that life isn't fair and of course she snapped back and said, "Nobody said it was." I looked at her and said, "Nobody said it was unfair either."
I hope you find some fairness and peace today.
Well, not much friends could say or do in such circumstances right? Yet, they are here and trying...
just staying close to their friend and telling him we're here, that we do have such moments too... some of them being real real hard... then life goes on... fortunately...
Well when we're sad... we're sad... hope it doesn't last too long and that some good sleep will really help!
Best thoughts, friend!
Laurent
Hang in there! Maybe it is seasonal blues. I get frustrated around the holidays too.
Remember, we are not our illnesses! No matter what our body chemistry does to us, we are more than our illnesses. I tell myself that when I am in pain from a migraine or having trouble breathing because of asthma.
PS (-: Thank you for leaving comments on my blog. (-:
PS... I am not trying to compare migraines to mental illness. I know that schizophrenia and other mental illnesses have components that other health issues do not. The way the brain and personality and emotions work are affected in ways different from other illnesses. So, I can appreciate you are going through challenges that most of your readers do not understand. I hope having a blog helps ease the pain!
PS... I am not trying to compare migraines to mental illness. I know that schizophrenia and other mental illnesses have components that other health issues do not. The way the brain and personality and emotions work are affected in ways different from other illnesses. So, I can appreciate you are going through challenges that most of your readers do not understand. I hope having a blog helps ease the pain!
My brother is 29 and also has schizophrenia. (Oddly, his name is Andrew too.) Living along side has been tough for me because it's truly something people can't understand unless they are living with it.
I came across your blog a few days ago and I wanted to let you know that I find it inspiring and enlightening. You're playing the hand you've been dealt and playing it well. You've got a great family, lots of support, a companion, and a location that is great for hiking and exploring.
I find myself sometimes envious of your life, as my "normal" one feels like, at times it's missing many of those core ingredients that makes life worthwhile.
Keep up the writing, and have a safe and happy new year.
I hope you will get better. Best wishes for the coming year.
Andrew, there is supposedly nothing "wrong" with me, and i feel exactly the way your describe frequently. You hang in there, you have so much going for you, I love to read what you write. I wish for you a happy and peaceful new year!
Hey bugger! I am having a hell of a day myself! Wish we could all get together in a group and just have a big laugh. I will be posting some pictures later on my blog. Thanks for inspiring me.
This too will pass. When my daughter moved 3,000 miles away, I was distrought. A friend said to me "She looks really happy" My answer was "So what, happiness doesn''t last ." Sounds like a negative comment, but not really. Only makes me enjoy the good times all the more, and makes the bad times bearable, as I know they will not last either.
Thanks for sharing
Jo Ann
It's been awful here too. Hope it's just "End of the Year Blues" and we'll all be feeling better soon...
I hope your day gets better! I have been reading you blog for a while now, but so far I've been a "comment-deficient" reader. I hope that you can see that although your illness can be a pain in the ass, it has given you experiences which have shaped your character (in good ways). And you have made immense strides in your life recently, even when the odds seemed against you. You should be proud of the way you conduct yourself even with the whopper of an illness life dealt you. You're a good person and not anything like some of the "fucked up" people I know - and they don't even have an illness as an excuse for their character (or lack thereof). I hope you have the best new year possible!
Well. ok.
wht is that song by the Beatles, " o la dee .. la la la and life goes on."
I sing it in my mind, with the chorus and chords and by and by feel ok. not happy great, but livable ok.
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