Last night found me late in the kitchen cooking a pan of cornbread and a skillet of hamburger helper cheeseburger macaroni. Rosa was sitting at my kitchen table.
“I got worried about you earlier when I called and you wouldn’t answer,” She said after walking over.
“My dreaded phone phobias are acting up,” I replied. “I’ve got my answering machine and the ringer turned off.”
“What scares you about the phone?” Rosa then asked.
“People scare me,” I replied. “People can say and do some of the most hurtful things and I shy away from contact. I sometimes wish I lived on a deserted island.”
I was having a rough go of it last night and it also showed by the hurtful things I wrote on my blog about Diana. I was extremely paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. I hate it when I get like that.
“Schizophrenia is a selfish disease,” Rosa then said.
“What makes you say that?” I asked, confused.
“Well, first of all, you think you are so important that people are out to get you,” She said. “You only think of yourself.”
I didn’t like where this conversation was going and grew quiet. I genuinely don’t consider myself a selfish person. I go beyond and above the call most of the time for my friends and the people in my life.
“You got quiet,” Rosa said.
“This just drives home my feelings about people being callous and hurtful. What you said hurt my feelings,” I responded.
I wanted to be alone as we sat eating. I wanted to be anywhere but here. Rosa finally left and I sighed with relief. She was in a confrontational mood and I was ill prepared for it. I went and lay in the bed for several hours thinking until I finally drifted off to sleep. I was glad to have yesterday behind me.
15 comments:
Hey Andrew, I know what u mean.
Hey Andrew, I feel that way sometimes too.
I love your blog by the way - you really write so beautifully.
Crap. Hope I didn't offend you. I was trying to be funny when I made my comment. Looks like it may have backfired? I am sorry. You know that I really do care.
So, what kind of adventures will you be having today? Have you heard from the gang?
You've stood by your friends in the worst crisis. So many times. All of us know it.
From taking that soup to Ferret to sharing your last cigar.
No, I dont think you should worry about what she said.
i guess i can see how she could look at it that way, although i know that's not the way it really is. in real life, bullies are everywhere, and they don't attack you because you are SO IMPORTANT, they attack you because they feel that they can do an effective job of causing you damage, or because something about you makes them feel worse about themselves. people being nasty is rarely about the target itself. the fear...well, my dad has that. i've told you about the Christmas present example already. he might ignore the e-card i sent him for the same reason, fearing it's not really a nice card but some sort of mean, sick hatemail of sorts. those sorts of fears are often less about feeling important than they are about feeling unworthy in some way, and fearing that the bottom is going to drop out at any time and all the kindness in their lives will evaporate. which, considering your life, doesn't seem entirely irrational to me. i don't think she meant to be mean, i think it's just frustrating sometimes, trying to understand when someone's mind works very differently from your own.
Maybe if you look at this in a different way....
It sounds to me like she wasn't saying you are selfish. You've proven that over and over. The disease itself is selfish because of what it does to you. It seems like it amplifies feelings in you that we all have. So I can see how she could think that.
It is impossible for those of us without schizophrenia to know what it is like. What we all do is make observations and try to relate those observations to something that we do know. Rosa's addiction is selfish. That isn't to say that Rosa is.
You are a wonderful person and you show it in so many ways. Rosa knows you are not selfish. I honestly don't think she was trying to imply that you are.
I know you know this, but sometimes feeling bad, attacked, ashamed, is NORMAL and HEALTHY. I worry sometimes because many of the mentally ill I know assume that any "bad" or uncomfortable feelings are signs of their illness. They aren't ALWAYS.
Of course when someone finds you on the internet, when people say unflattering things to or about you, when you believe you've been unfair to a friend, you're going to feel bad no matter whether or not they or you are in the right.
I'm in a rush to leave for work, but I hope today's better than yesterday. It was a horrible day, for you and for those poor students, staff and families at VT.
Hey Andrew.... I haven't been by in a while and I'm sorry. I am still here... just been a bit busier with life.
I hope you are feeling better!
I just gave you a thinking blogger award, you'll have to go to my blog to see it:)
I have the same feelings about the phone, the door... going into stores... driving somewhere new. Gee... And people have been hurtful enough for me to avoid them as well. I totally understand this post. :-(
Sometimes we all need quit time. As much as people interact through different forms of media you have to learn to manage conflict.
Andrew, things will get better, do not be sad! Everyone has their highs and lows. Do not beat yourself up. You are a kind, sensitive and gentle soul. Being selfish will probably be the last thing anyone would say of u.
There a lot things tht people can learn frm u on becoming a better human being. I know I can!
And Dorid is right. The feelings u hv are perfectly normal. A lot of we 'normal people' hv thm too. Somedays I dont answer my phone altogether! I hv been reading up ur blog, n I feel u hv been hurt a lot by people and tht is kinda why u hv these feelings!
You are a good person n I sincerely wish I could hv known more people like u. I hope I did not say anything insensitive to u! Sorry if I did.
I must be slow today,,who's Diana??
always,
Crusty.
hi andrew..
i just wanted you to know that i nominated you for a thinking blog award. you can visit my blog for details.
sometimes it's all we can do... just go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. It's also a way aof taking care of yourself.
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