My book is quickly coming together. It has been years since I have been so consumed with writing something other than this blog. I lie awake in bed thinking about where I will take my characters next and how to describe their surroundings and experiences. It is all so exciting. I know I will never get published, but still…the book will be a product of me and I have poured my heart and soul into it. I think I have really captured the South during the depression and the wonderful tales my grandmother reveled me in growing up. She made life seem so worth living and vibrant and vivid. The book will be dedicated to her and her life.
This evening found me sleeping in my tent. I awoke to a loud crash in the woods nearby as Maggie began to bark furiously. I turned on my flashlight, unzipped my tent door, and peered down into the woods. A lone doe stood frozen in the light. She finally turned and disappeared into the bamboo thicket. You would think that deer would be quiet creatures, but they are not. When I was homeless, I would often get awoken by deer wandering through my campsite at night. I finally got Maggie calmed down and back to sleep and I drifted off as well for a grand total of five hours of slumbering bliss.
I finally awoke, dressed, and went for this morning’s daily hike. I am finding these early morning hours to be my favorite time of the day. I feel so comforted that my chances of human contact are slim to none. I realize this is just another irrationality of my mental illness. It is not normal to want to avoid social contact. It scares me that I will be viewed by readers as another one of those loner, crazy killer types with a mental illness. The public tends to have a kneejerk reaction to such matters after what happened at Virginia Tech fueled by the mass media feeding frenzy after such an event. I wish I could assure you all that I don’t have a violent bone in my body and never have.
9 comments:
Today is Earth Day, what better day than to dedicate your book to your Grandmother on it. Keep at it Andrew.
I like your writing. your style is great, easy to follow and addictive... I keep coming back to your blog again and again even if I don't leave comments. So if your style and story are as good as your blog why couldn't you be published? I beliebe it's all about the time being ripe. I wish it will be for you. and please don't give up your blog while your on your book.
I've never been anything but assured about you.
It stinks that the problems of one individual should be generalized across the population. That all mentally ill people are killers is just as stupid to say as all loners or all kids who wear camo to school. The problem is that the public simply has no clue about the scope of illnesses that they call "crazy".
One of the things that your blog does, Andrew, is to help cut down on this stigma. I don't think anyone here sees you as a potential killer. They know you for YOU. You help people see you and others with schizophrenia as PEOPLE, not the illness.
That's important, because it isn't like there's a huge population out there with signs around their necks saying "I'm schizophrenic and I'm a person, too" Mostly when people hear about schizophrenia it's when one unique individual looses it and does something awful.
Of course, it doesn't happen terribly often. which makes it doubly stupid that people should pick up on THOSE events to develop their notions about what schizophrenia is.
Someone wrote on an earlier blog that they found most of the mentally ill to be docile. I don't know what population he was working with. I worked for 10 years with adolescents with severe mental illness. Many had repeat hospitalizations, many were involved in intensive case management programs. I also answered hotline calls. Although the population I worked with were extremely violent individuals, I no more think that that's the norm than I would think everyone is criminal if I had worked in a prison.
I hope that people will CONTINUE to read your blog (I'm sure they will) in increasing numbers and understand that schizophrenia is an ILLNESS, that it has different effects in different people, that it can often be controlled with proper treatment, and above all that individuals with mental illness are PEOPLE.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying the peacefulness the nite provides. As hard as it's been with my three little boys when they were (are) infants, I Still love waking with them in the middle of night, peering out my front window, longing to run outside in my barefeet and just run...longing to sit outside with my cup of coffee and cigarettes and just smoke, sip and listen...
I love watching the darken windows of other homes and feel like for just a few hours, it is only me and my son in existance...
As a child I used to wake up early around 4:30 (child being teenager) bake blueberry muffins for my mom and wash her floor, and then make a cup of tea and go sit outside and listen to the birds begin their morning song...watching the suncome up..enjoying the darkness of the nite prior to the sun.
there's nothing wrong with enjoying the nite. We're supposed to appreciate all that we've been given, and you, my dear blogger, and doing just that!
Always,
Crusty
I am enjoying your blog posts immensely! Your writing is beautiful and descriptive, and often there are thoughts I can identify with. From you I am learning about your illness and what it's like to live with it day by day - and not just the incidents we read in the papers. With the exception of a few close friends, I also prefer to avoid social contact, if that makes me "not normal", I am fine with it. :-)
If the writing on your blog is anything to go by your book should definitely get published! As to enjoying solitude, someone told me years ago that the difference between an introvert and an extrovert is that an introvert needs solitude to recharge their batteries, and an extrovert needs company to recharge their batteries. As an introvert myself, I certainly find this to be true. And framing it this way makes me feel less pressured by society to be sociable when I don't necessarily feel like it.
I understand the excitement that building a life for your characters brings. I DO hope to be published one day. As for the "alone time," I love being alone. I always have, I've never needed people to be around me.
you are a very good writer. keep working on your project, and keep writing the blog. you are doing all the right things for a writer--reading the work of other writers, paying attention to their techniques and trying them out in your own writing, and making writing a daily practice rather than something you do when you are "inspired." you will only keep improving and getting better and better all the time. you are doing a great job.
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