Early evening, I was lying in my tent reading by the flickering light of my little candle lantern. I am reading The Hobbit for like the hundredth time in my life. I got lost in the pages and the wonderful ambiance that surrounded me as I lay there. I could imagine myself on some great journey in search of fame and fortune, wayward bound. I am at the part where Bilbo and his dwarven companions are ensconced by the elves. As I read, I am listening to a minidisc of the soundtrack Willow. That grand and sweeping soundtrack set the perfect ambiance for such escapist fiction and fantasy.
Earlier in the evening found me at my nightly A.A. meeting. Tonight we discussed step nine of the twelve steps where we try to make amends to those we have hurt or harmed. It is so hard to dredge up the past and even harder to share it with someone else. I realize I share freely on the blog, but there seems to be some disconnect for me on some level when it concerns writing on this journal. I have a hard time realizing that actual, real people really read this boring drivel I share.
“Should I write a letter to my ex-wife apologizing?” I then asked Wanda after our meeting tonight as we sat on the porch smoking.
“Would it hurt her?”
“She would probably tear up the letter seeing it post marked from me,” I replied.
“You really need a sponsor to talk about such things,” Wanda then said. “I feel uncomfortable giving you advice on such matters being a woman and a friend.”
It was not what I wanted to hear. I don’t want a sponsor and many in A.A. keep telling me I will not stay sober long without one. It is frustratingly maddening for me as I deal with my social anxieties and the pressure my A.A. friends are putting upon me to “work the program.” It makes me want to shy away from going to these meetings. But I know I will just gradually seclude myself without them and will gradually go back to my old ways of living life. I never could cope with life’s obstacles in a healthy and normal manner and A.A. has taught me some pretty important life coping skills. For that, I am eternally grateful despite many of the misgivings I have about the program.
7 comments:
Hello, I am happy that I stumbled on your blog. First, I LOVE The Hobbit. Second, you CAN stay sober. Just because you don't want a sponser doesn't mean you WILL fuck up. People with sponsers screw up alot...so it happens.
My husband is an alcoholic, but hasnt been to a meeting for over 10 years. He has been sober for 13 years this May. He didn't have a sponser. Well he had me..but I am not much of drinker, I never really liked to. Maybe I was so darned hot he just figured he didn't need to hehehe ;)
My sister is in the program, six years clean and sober. She has her sponser but the woman now lives three hour drive away. This sponser has been her lifeline when times got tough...she always speaks highly of her.
Anyways. Whatever keeps you strong and sober, can't be wrong. I wish you continued strength, and best wishes to you for your book.
Good for you. It is awesome that you are taking control of your life.
A good piece of advice I once got from a support site was "Take what you need and leave the rest."
Just thought I'd share.
i tried going to Al-Anon meetings for a while, to work on my codependency issues as they related to my mom and her various habits over the years. (alcohol was just the final thing, but the behavior patterns were the same whether it was anorexia, cocaine, men or booze) but some of the steps really went against my intrinsic belief system. the whole thing about giving over power to a "higher being" being a prime example. i always felt like the idea of considering yourself powerless and looking to something/one else to fix matters was the whole root of the problem to begin with. accepting that i was powerless over my behaviors and choices was the *last* thing i wanted to do. i still have the book, and i do find insight within the pages, but the more literal and religious interpretations of the others in the group just left me feeling alienated and like i had to fake believing in something that i just couldn't swallow in order to move ahead. in addition to the al-anon book (which i think is the same book as AA), i also read The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. if I have a personal equivalent of the Bible that really sort of outlines my reality and how I want to live my life in this world, The Prophet is IT. I kinda wish I could mail you a copy. do you have an Amazon.com wishlist? if so, I could have a copy sent to you without having your address myself. just saying. if you'd be ok with that, just let me know and i'll make it happen. it's an awesome book.
I don't find your blog "boring drivel" at all! Most of us, regardless of what our issues are, live our lives just like you - trying to get thru one day at a time and dealing with whatever it brings. You are an excellent writer, your stuff is very real, and when I read about someone else making it, it encourages me to believe that I can too. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
For what it's worth, I think it might do you some good to write the letter to your ex. Even if she does just tear it up, then you know you've done your part and you can let it go. I know you harbor a lot of bitterness from the relationship (along with some fond memories that you have shared) but being able to let that go will be a huge burden lifted for you. I think, perhaps, that she will probably read the letter (women's curiousity) and may even appreciate it. It's just my opinion but it comes from personal experience. I wrote a letter of apology to my ex and it allowed me to come to terms with forgiving him and myself.
Your blog isn't boring drivel at all. I only recently found your blog, but have enjoyed reading your insights.
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