The clouds started to roll in after lunch -- a gray, looming sky befitting my mood. I drove down to the pawnshop with my portable DVD player in the passenger's side seat next to me.
"Pawn or sell?" the lady asked as I handed over the DVD player.
"Pawn," I said.
"I can give you twenty dollars for it."
"It's a deal," I said, signing the pawn ticket.
I escaped from the pawnshop with twenty dollars in my wallet and headed straight for Fat Albert's convenience store. Throngs of people were playing the lottery as I walked inside. I grabbed a case of cheap beer and headed for the cashier.
"Going to a party?" she asked facetiously.
"This will last me for weeks," I said of the beer, lying. Knowing I would be finished with all this beer by late tonight.
I came home and wrote this for posterity. This blog is a record of my life in electronic form warts and all. I felt immediately better after a few beers. Too bad this will not last as I will get too drunk in a matter of hours. Thus the insanity that is alcoholism. At least I have a smile on my face for the moment -- the first in days.
I hesitated to write this. No one in my blogging life would know if I just stayed glum and quiet. I would never have to deal with disparaging comments or the scorn my succumbing would incite. No one in my real life would know as well. I would just disappear for a few days with no one the wiser. I feel this inescapable urge to confess though. As if I am breaking some carnal law, I want to scream out to the world that I have no control over my drinking. I can't stop. God, why hast though forsaken me? Why have I forsaken myself?
"It's your genes," I just mumbled to myself as I wrote this in between drinks of beer. "You are fucked."
Forever destined to die alone. Alcoholic. Useless. An outcast. I just need to take that Google check and travel to Nashville. There, I know where to get food and where to sleep. There, I won't have Rosa or my family always mad at me or outdone with my most recent alcoholic outburst. I will have no accountability to those that love me and hurt me. I can't help I was born this way and have always been. I can see why, now, the mentally ill and/or alcoholics disappear onto the streets to never be found again. Forever, a nameless grave in some anonymous graveyard after a hard life. No family. No hope. Only a bottle of booze for comfort. It saddens me that I am most likely going to be resigned to this fate. At least I can blog about it and maybe someone will learn from me or just understand.
13 comments:
I do understand but it saddens me to see you go through his again....
Keep your lines of communication open and ditch the beer!
I would feel sorry for you, but you seem to feel sorry enough for yourself. Your escape is only temporary though. How about looking for a more permanent and better way to deal with your anxiety? Do you have a therapist? Where is he or she when you need help looking for a better way to deal with your anxiety? It's always hardest to ask for help when we really need it. I know first hand. Do yourself a favor and ask. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Good luck.
I understand too my friend.
But u are a decent guy who does not deserve all this to happen to u. U deserve the best tht life should give u.
Take care. It has been a gloomy September I agree.
I did cocaine for ten years and quit, cold turkey, when I moved. Maybe that's what you need to do. Change your landscape. You are a grown man. You know what you are doing is not good for you, so suck it up and do something about it. I'm bored too, but you don't see me pawning my shit to buy an 8-ball.
I will speak honestly to this post. I have no personal point of reference to even come close to understanding the immense, crushing weight you struggle with daily. I can only say, that we will all be less if we lose you to your demons. I can not even conjur up a disparaging or scornful thought in response to your actions.
While we, cyber friends, will miss you and Rosa and your family surely will be undone if you follow through on your idea, the person I weep for most, is Andrew. Through the pain and the constant struggle, I saw glimpses of happiness, of hope, of contentment. I saw a man who fought mightily against overwhelming odds and sometimes had a good day, or couple of hours. I weep that that man is now only a few short steps from disappearing to be replaced with a man who will always regret what he lost, even though he might be able to drown his pain temporarily.
Andrew, for that man's sake, hold on! Find a way to continue the fight. Andrew will thank you later, I promise.
I don't think that's your fate at all, Andrew. I think you'd be way too unhappy to stick with it. You've seen the other side, the one with love and friends and accomplishment. What I do think is that you'll struggle, and you'll have some slides backwards, but that you'll keep striving for a better life. I do have faith in you, even when you might not have it yourself. And I'm glad that you let us in. We're all human. There's not a one of us that's perfect or has no struggles. Things have been hard for you lately. They'll get easier again. You'll get into a better routine, I know it.
Hang in there buddy. I need you to succeed. I need you to show me how. Please don't give up. Please.
Sir:
Do not despair, do not feel gloom. If you have imbibed in the a lot of the beer, simply accept it for what it is, take the enjoyment it may give and let it pass. You do not have to be feeling "ruined" by your delving into alcohol. The ruination you seem to be courting is only in your own sense of what should be. You can simply experience the drunk, enjoy it , perhaps even hang out with Ferret if that is what you choose. But then, after the drunk is over, you can easily pick up back where you were before. There is no condemation, no need for self loathing, no need for anything negative. All you have to do after the experience is pick yourself up and go back to the rest of your life.
What I am saying, is to please do not feel you have failed, for you have not. You have simply taken a brief alternative path. It is within you to simply accept it for what it is (was) and start back on the other course of your life that you enjoy with family and with Rosa and friends. Getting drunk once is a while is NOTHING. It need not define you, it need not terrorize you, it need not in any way change what you have. It is simply being drunk for a while.
Before the naysayers complain about my post, let me respond simply by saying... I have not encouraged Andrew to drink. He has already started. And, I think since he has already started, he should strive to drink this time in a manner that allows him to win on both counts.... 1) namely that he enjoy this change of course since it HAS begun, and 2) realize in his heart that it need not define tomorrow or the next day. It is very simply just a period of time where he indulged in alcohol, and took something from it he desired. It need not alter or change anything of his goodness as a person nor his value to himself, his family, and society.
He is a good person, drunk or sober, and I am sure he will if he chooses to, come through this little travail with happiness and a return to his other aspects of life... and I believe that is exactly how Andrew does want this to go.
PipeTobacco
http://frumpyprofessor.blogspot.com
This too will pass...slips will happen... but the good thing is that you already have your eye on the future with art lessons.
Breathe and move forward...
Hi Andrew...everybody has ups and downs...that was yours...for today...face everybody and be brave and you will resist it....I do believe in you...remember, God is not sleepy....He knows about your struggle, but He wants you to be more "open" with Him, He wants you to confess exactly your problem and accept that He will take His time...be patient...and I do believe He tests us sometimes to see if you really wants His help...He is ready......
and I will keep praying for you...get again on your bike and go for a ride in park or where you wanna go, but don't go to the alcoholics...the drinkers...you are not strong enough at this stage and you have to give yourself time to be able to resist them completely...or just to resist the thoughts completely...
Be strong...fight back, you CAN!
You are beautiful, Andrew...
If you can't stop for a whole day, just don't use for five minutes at a time- this is from the literature of another Fellowship, but it works; if you work it. Call your sponsor BEFORE you pick up that next case; pray your ever-loving ass off. Trust me, there is nothing romantic about another wasted life - I wasted most of mine and have now been clean for over six years - one day at a time.
You can do it, but not alone; use the tools the program offers.
(soap-box going bye-bye now)
this was a beautiful post-the hurt and fear as a matter of fact was seeping through the words. This is an excellent lesson for those of us that have similiar battles-I do wish naturally I could swope in and protect you and Rosa from this particular pain..without a doubt it will pass along...
thank you for being so honest..
beautiful BEAUTIFUL post!
Always,
crusty~
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