My father was much kinder to me last night. He was worried that I had another terrible panic attack and acted concerned. I was really amiss and couldn't even get it together to get dressed last night. Dad found me laying in the bed after letting himself in. I had paced my floors for hours trying to "walk off" a panic attack. I was exhausted. I was so paranoid that I thought my neighbors were watching me and that they had called the police because of my strange behavior. This only exacerbated my attack.
"Dad, I can't take all this strife in my life," I told him with a tear in my eye. "It makes me sick. Deathly sick."
"I know, son," he said, patting me on the leg. "We are just going to stay calm. I am not going to start anything tonight."
We drove over to Fat Albert's convenience store, and dad went inside and bought me some cigarettes and a 12-pack of diet cokes. I was so pleased to get them, not having anything to drink in my house and I hate just water. I was not dressed to go inside as well and stood outside by the car to the glaring eyes of the patrons brought on by my paranoia. "Doesn't he look odd?" I could hear their voices saying.
"I love you," I told him on the drive home. I burst out crying, sobbing like a small child. "I really do."
"I love you, too," he replied and it made me feel better. I wiped the tears from my eyes and my father told me he was always going to make sure I have a home and a life. He told me that he was always going to love me and that's what families do.
I really do love my father and don't want to be at arms with him all the time. I wish I was like my brother and so independent where we could have a different relationship. This schizophrenia is for the birds! I hate having a mental illness. I hate being dependent upon someone else.
Rosa is going to put some gas in my car for us to get Clara down to Columbus and the Rescue Mission this afternoon. That will be something interesting to write about. I am scared I will have another panic attack so I told Rosa she has to drive. I feel really weak today. Very weak, as if I have a fever.
11 comments:
Andrew, I came across this tip in one of the newsletters I get that may solve your computer problem. Go here http://www.worldstart.com/php/newsletters.php?cthtml
and read "computers 101" in the Oct 19 newsletter. Hope it helps you.
i feel really bad for you andrew it must be hell to go through what you are. just hang on to those who love you , they wont let you down. i would love to shake rosa's hand she is unbelievable. dont ever let her go. she is a gem . give her a hug from me will you. and here is one for yourself . huggggg
Golden,
Thanks for thinking of me and sending along the tip. I will try it out. I am still having problems.
Anon,
Thanks for the cyber hug. It is much appreciated almost as much as the kind words of support. Thank you!
Andrew
hi, im patrick alexander
im reading some of your story and find it interesting but i must wonder why you are not attending AA every day? You are not working and have plenty of time. When you change you will be surprised at how ppl change around you! You will no longer be plauged with panic attacts, resentments towards ur dad, mom, or anybody. Get moving , get ur ass to a meeting everyday!
cheers
patrick
new mexico/singapore
Patrick,
That is wise advice. I am kind of caught in a self pity malaise at the moment. I plan on getting to a meeting tonight. Thanks.
It's been an emotional week and I know taking Clara to the mission isn't easy, either.
I hope when you're home later today, you can find some peace.
:-)
You're doing well honey, you're managing & coping really well even if it doesn't seem like it to yourself. I admire your strength in getting through the day to day challenges you face.
Good luck with the whole mission trip I hope it isn't too hard for you
Have been a lurker for months now. Checking in to see how you are doing. I lived across the river to Columbus where the mission is located. How is that for a small world?
becky aka theRAV
htttp://www.quoththerav3@blogspot.com
I understand what you're saying about being dependent upon someone else. That must be very difficult. On the other hand.. being completely independent isn't all that great either. When you have absolutely nobody to help you out, it can be rough. Count your blessings as you have quite a few!!
You wrote a very beautiful moment between you and your father. I hope it continues to grow.
It's times like the ones that you're in right now that are the hardest to pull ourselves out of...gosh it's so hard.
I loved the honesty here...so wonderful!
Always,
Crusty~
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