Bodily Deformity

My body feels deformed from all the fear and anxiety from the past few days. Sat down at the shopping center this morning after a long and very cool walk. Rosa and me never got Clara down to the Rescue Mission yesterday and she was sitting down there drinking her beer and looking casual. If a homeless person can look such a way. We talked about what it was going to be like.

"I've done some reading," I told her. "On Rescue Missions and such."

"What do you think?" Clara asked.

"It is not going to be easy," I told her. "You are going to have to give up your way of life to live theirs."

"Don't tell me that!" Clara scoffed. "I won't go."

"I just don't want to bullshit you and make you think it is going to be a walk in the park."

"I don't know any other way," Clara said looking worried.

"I think it will be good for you -- to live a life where you have to go to A.A. and help others."

"I am still going to try it," Clara said, determined.

"Good," I said and gave her a hug of support.

I am going to be sad to see her go. I know that is selfish of me, but she so reminds me of myself and how I was when I was homeless. Her determination. Her drinking. It is all uncannily alike me when I was without a home.

Yesterday afternoon was spent trying to stay busy. I walked for two hours until my legs grew so sore I couldn't walk any longer. I walked through the quaint little mill villages surrounding the elementary school. It was comforting to see all the children out and playing and made me feel not so lonely. I struggled with making eye contact though with the young black men listlessly walking around those neighborhoods.

The evening ended with A.A. Our local A.A. group is really struggling with keeping a membership.

"I sometimes wonder why I come up here and open this meeting hall and make coffee," an old timer said. "It is sometimes just me and Mrs. Mary sitting here."

I spoke up.

"I've had a hell of a time lately and I knew I had a safe place to go tonight," I said. "It was so comforting to drive up and see the meeting hall's lights on and people sitting inside. You are helping alcoholics like me stay sober by going through that effort."

The chairperson thanked me for speaking and told me to keep coming back. I told him thanks for being there.

The day ended with my father giving me my medications. I was so overjoyed to see him. I gave him a big hug and welcomed him into my house. Annabel's words to appreciate what my father does echoed throughout my mind as I welcomed him in.

"You had to go to a funeral today and make a speech, see about your business, and yet you still come and make sure I am taking my medications and to see I am okay. Thank you."

"I love you," My father said. "I just want you okay. I know you get lonely stuck in this house all day. Just think. Just be glad you are not in prison for drinking and driving, and have a safe place to come to."

"Yes," I said. "I appreciate it today. I just hope I will appreciate it tomorrow. My memory is not too great."

I had a broken sleep last night despite being so tired. My father's words echoed throughout my head about him telling me to appreciate what I have. I can be so impetuous and always thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I finally went to sleep comforted and calm and I hope today follows suit.