The mornings have grown so cool. This morning's walk was downright cold. Lonely, I passed by the convenience store and walked in. My favorite clerk was just preparing to get off his shift. "Crazy night," he told me. "The drunks were out in force." I chuckled as I listened to him tell the story of one drunk man who brought a case of beer to the counter, but didn't have any money. "The guy thought I would give it to him," the clerk said. "I shooed him off and put the beer back up."
I left the convenience store and walked through downtown. To my right was Tawanna's Art and Frame Shop. The very same shop I would have taken art lessons if my father would have helped me with them. I stood and looked in the window and saw a painting by Tawanna of a Chattahoochee Valley locomotive. I set a goal to be able to buy that painting after starting work.
To my left was that beautiful fountain gurgling relentlessly this cold morning. It almost seemed as if the water would freeze it being so cold. I walked over, took a seat, and smoked a cigarette. The morning's first cars and trucks busily moved around the square. I wondered if they were headed to early Sunday school. The water serenaded me as I sat there.
As I walked home, I thought about life and it's meaning. One callous commenter wrote on my blog that life's a bitch and then you die. I want to think life is far kinder than that. Such quotes are for the defeated and misled. If life truly is a bitch then I don't want to live it. My life has already been hard enough. Homelessness. Drunken debauchery. Schizophrenia. I've had my fair share of troubles. I'm ready to take a ride down easy street.
I have also been thinking earnestly about starting work. It is such a scary proposition. I tackle most things with aplomb the first few weeks, but will soon grow tired of going. I pray I won't do that if I get a job. It almost makes me afraid to even try. I also worry about having another anxiety attack at work. That would be terribly terrifying. I have had far less attacks when not drinking, though.
Mom and me had a wonderful night out to eat. We both agreed it went by too fast. We wanted to savor the moment. Mom got the baked catfish fillets and I got the baby ribeye steak cooked medium. It was truly delicious. This restaurant is in the middle of nowhere, but didn't lack in patrons. The restaurant soon filled up after mom and me arrived.
Well, let me get ready for a 10 AM A.A. meeting. I need a meeting badly having some money in my pocket. I had drinking dreams last night and woke up craving alcohol. This alcoholism is truly relentless and will probably be the death of me yet. I don't know if I can struggle and resist the urge to drink much longer.
11 comments:
Saluti dall'Italia!
Ciao
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton's Prayer
Sir:
Moderation is the key to success.
Please recall those words in whatever path your life takes this day. You seem to be approaching life with a bit more of the "moderation" theme... just do not let any instances of the all-or-nothing thinking hamper your success. If you live with the expectation of doing all things moderately, you chances of success are far, far greater than any variant that is filled with extremes.
PipeTobacco
If there's a will, there's a way. U have been doing well so far, continue to press on :)
Anonymous 1960, you made me cry.
PipeTobacco, again you are correct in your diagnosis of moderation.
Andrew, I believe that, through the choices we make, we create our own heavens and/or our own hells here on Earth. We all must take each moment of each day as a step. God knows that some of these steps go backwards, but it is our decision to continue to face forward and our responsibility to try again. Positive energies, be them through prayer, attention, comments left on a blog or merely a smile and a nod in acknowledgement of another's existence can do wonders to push each of us along when we don't feel capable of continuing forward. You are not alone. Continue to write. Continue to share. Embrace each step forward you can take, but don't be afraid to look back--you may indeed surprise yourself at how far you have come, how much you have learned about yourself and your world. As always, I wish you peace.
Pipe is full of wisdom for all of us.
Andrew... Did your father change his mind about paying for your art lessons?
I am so glad that you had a nice dinner with your mother, such times are to be savored and remembered in years to come. If that money is burning a hole in your pocket (and your head), I hope you dumped it into the basket at the meeting. No need to spend your energy playing with temptation. You are strong enough to resist if you want to!
I don't buy that "life's a bitch and then you die" philosophy at all, though I've heard it often. Yup, life sure isn't easy for most of us, but there are the good times, the really wonderful times, no matter how brief, and the friendships - that make it all worthwhile. Count your blessings every day, make a list of them - it helps me to stay focused on the good! Wishing you a mellow Sunday, and a good week coming up!
"Mom and me had a wonderful night out to eat. We both agreed it went by too fast. We wanted to savor the moment. Mom got the baked catfish fillets and I got the baby ribeye steak cooked medium. It was truly delicious. This restaurant is in the middle of nowhere, but didn't lack in patrons. The restaurant soon filled up after mom and me arrived."
Shouldn't it be Mom and I?
Just checking in...glad to see you still on the road to recovery. No matter what, please don't let the absence of a dollar in your pocket keep you from those meetings. It is not about the money. Your presence is a far greater gift to all.
Love to see how much you are thinking about your future.
Take care,
Lena
Interesting responses, from heart felt, to prayerful, to affirming, but always are there comments of criticism~ Why do people always feel the need to criticize something about you? Remember you are a friend to many of us, you are free to sift through the comments, take from them what you want and blow the rest away.
Love,
B~
I think the more determined you are to do well at a prospective job, the more you will succeed. You are doing so good and getting yourself prepared, I have no doubt you will find success. You will also find that painting in your home before you know it!
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