Crazy Thinking

I so badly want a drink today so I thought I would write it out. I want to go by the pawn shop and sell my Nintendo Gamecube for ten bucks or so. The only way I could get up some money without borrowing it from my neighbors. That ten bucks would keep me drunk for a week off of mouthwash at $2 dollars a bottle (premium) or drunk two days off of beer.

This is the craziness my mind imbues. This stinkin' thinkin' as they call it in A.A.

This is when I need a meeting most. To sit and hear others speak of their struggles with alcohol. To hear the worse case scenario stories that make mine own pale in comparison. To sit and listen of the hope and gratitude that only sobriety will bring to a drunk.

One of my biggest struggles with A.A. lately is that I don't have a dollar to put in the donation basket when it passes. All eyes are upon me as I grab that basket and send it on it's way bereft of my dollar. I have thought of getting my father to write A.A. a check and at least my own mind's worries will be assuaged -- a monthly check of daily donations.

Back to the drinking. This incredible, all encompassing urge. I know the consequences vividly -- destruction of family relationships, deterring of volunteer service, health consequences from drinking mouthwash. They are all to real, but to an alcoholic, the gains (alcohol) outweigh the negative aspects (the consequences). That blissful feeling of inebriation melting away my anxieties, my loneliness, and all that mentally ails me. I have to suffer on though without it -- to be without the elixir that fixes all that ails me. It is my cross to bear to experience life sans drink.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"