I feel so horrible. I overslept and missed both my noon A.A. meeting and working at the Humane Society. I wonder if the Humane Society will want me back? I was just so tired from all that has been going on. I woke up at seven and then went back to sleep.
Last night I went and bought groceries with my dear father meeting me and writing a check. I am still without money. I only bought fifty dollars for the whole week and it is going to be lean. I am going to have to skip meals. Then, Dad and me went to Fat Albert's to buy cigarillos and to put gas in my car. We drove around afterwards as dad gave me my nightly medications and waited for them to take effect.
"Dad, do you think I am a bad person?" I asked.
"No," he said. "I just think you are misguided."
"I want so badly to be a decent man," I told him. "My heart hurts for wanting to be a good person. I don't want to die alone and it is headed that way."
"I think you need to think of others more," he told me. "You are one of the most selfish people I know. People gravitate to others they know will give of themselves."
A tear rolled down my cheek. I feel like I am such a terrible, wretched man and want to be good -- to be of service to others and to be well liked. I want people, other than homeless people and miscreants, to like me and to want to be my friend.
I also wanted my father to tell me he loves me and that everything was going to be okay. I still can be a small child about such things. I strongly believe I never actually grew up due to my mental illness and the drinking. Forever, a child trapped in the body of a man.
"How was your day?" I finally asked my father trying to think of others and to show interest in others.
"Same ole. Same ole," he said, not revealing much.
I am in awe of my father. What he does. How busy his days are. How despite all odds he keeps his life and family together. It makes me feel less than adequate. I watch my father's busy days and it makes me feel so tired just from looking. I don't see how he does it and he seems happy! There is just something constitutionally wrong with me. I feel like such a failure not even being able to do half what my father does and I am half his age! Excuse me while I go and sulk and feel sorry for myself for a few hours.
15 comments:
Hey, cheer up. And take my advice with a grain of salt, if it seems critical, assume I'm wrong...still:
Call the Humane Society and tell them you overslept but you'd still like to come in and help today, or tomorrow if it's too late to go in today.
Call someone who was at the AA meeting and say you slept through it but want to talk to another alcoholic.
Understand that you are a good person. Bad people don't volunteer at homeless animal shelters or hospitals, etc.
Andrew,
You have such a huge loyal readership tht gravitates to you, because they like u, because they see the honesty and sincerity they see in ur writing. U are liked by many, I wish u can see tht.
BTW, dont be hard on urself. I am certain tht Humane Society will have u back. Just apologize to thm. U can't build a mountain in a day, so don't put urself down. U have a long journey ahead of u, take it slow and steady, take the time in enjoying eveything u do. U will make it, I believe in tht.
I consider u my friend! And as I have seen, u have many loyal blogger friends. And you will make more friends as time moves on in the volunteer places, in ur work place etc with tht genuine sincerity of yours.
Cheer up buddy.
Wow, Andrew, you have been busy! I know it feels horrible to have overslept and missed your commitment, but I'm sure if you talk to the people you are working with, they will throw another chance your way. Volunteers are hard to come by, so I would think they would make the effort to be understanding. I remember when I moved to NC, I looked and looked for a job. When I finally found one, I thought I had made it trough my first day without incident. Until I got home and realized I had left A WHOLE HOUR EARLY! By mistake, of course. It sucked to start off on that foot, but I was forgiven and it was forgotten.
I don't like to comment negatively about your father because I know how complex the whole family thing is. However, I think he may be the misgided one in calling you selfish. Perhaps he focuses on the low moments when illness or addictions have overwhelmed you. I don't know. I do know that the stories you give of yourself are of a wonderful, caring man who most definitely thinks of others. Maggie. Rosa. George. Ferrett. Clara. Your neighbor. You have expressed concern for the well being of everybody you have written about. AND you have given us tales of you acting on that concern. Just sayin.
Feel better my friend.
:)
Yes, please feel better. Just because your father said it doesn't mean it's true. We know better. Tomorrow is a new day, and it will be a better one.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Call the Humane Society and apologize and show up tomorrow. You're a strong guy and I'm thinking you aren't going to give up after this small setback.
Sir:
I do not know why you expect perfection from yourself. You overslept.... oh well... you simply need to do what it is you want (get up early) tomorrow. My opinion has been for a long time that "all-or-nothing" or "seeking perfection" is simply a way to set yourself up for failure.
I think that volunteering is great! But please do not try to OVERVOLUNTEER... that is the same sort of thing as seeking perfection.... it increases the liklihood of failure.
Moderation in all things... is the way to have stability and happiness. No extremes.
PipeTobacco
P.S. No comment by me about your father's comments.
It's funny how even as adults we crave the love and acceptance of our parents. Even when my Mother was at her darkest, I needed to hear her say she loved me. When she couldn't/wouldn't... it was crushing. Eventually, I learned it wasn't her fault... I had been asking someone in a "wheelchair" to run a marathon. Your Father sounds like he's from the generation of Fathers that weren't told it's OK to be kind and affectionate with their childre. But YOU can be those things to yourself.
Andrew, this a post that reveals that, in spite of all your struggles with addiction and mental illness, you are one of us, a "normal" guy. You have issues with your family, you make mistakes, oversleep, you long for acceptance, you doubt yourself, you wonder if others like you, you want friends, you have things in your life that bring you down. Guess what buddy,this is what we all deal with daily. Even those of us who project a positive, friendly, 'happy-go-lucky' attitude struggle with these issues. We mask our sadness and disappointments better than some, but we struggle just like you.
I have looked at how you treat the people in your life, from family to strangers that you meet along the way and I have concluded: We need more Andrews!
At times when your father talks to you that way I think he is a jerk. Surely he knows how you would be effected by his words?
Secondly you are far too hard on yourself & sleeping in, is a normal fact of life, matter of fact I just did it two days in a row & almost missed my rehab, but I went late anyway.
Lastly, $50 is a bit stringent by any standards, even I couldn't survive on that these days.
Good Luck my friend and heed Pipe's words on the volunteering thing. :)
Mistakes are made daily buy human beings. I'm sure they'll want you back. As for this need to be a good and kind person, sometimes we feel this way when we're being pointed in the right direction by God. I remember a few posts back where you were interested and maybe that is where this is coming from. How much better are you making life for those dogs simply by being there, being present, talking to them, etc.? I think you should keep going, keep asking yourself what you can do for someone, each day. Eventually, it will be second nature and you will have become the person you really want to be. You've already taken steps in the right direction. Just keep going!
Andrew, I don't see a selfish person here. I think your father is blind to some of your selfless acts. Recent example, the way you helped Clara. That is not the work of a selfish person. Shame that you are dependant on your father. Sometimes it's best we cut those family ties down to an occasional relationship. Remember. Father Knows Best was just a old TV program.
Homeless people and miscreants need friends too. I love that you are there for them. And we all care about you here. You have so many friends posting and encouraging you. If people didn't like you, your comments would be empty.
Take care.
We all pout at times, and you'll come out of it just fine...life is definitely not easy walks ..but it's interesting when you do reflect..it does tell a beautiful story about a soulful man.
Always,
Crusty~
Dear Andrew,
Please rest assured that we all make msitakes sometimes and we all feel horrible about them - but they're not usually as terrible as we feel them to be.
And please know that I think you are one of the least selfish people I've come across. Don't forget your Dad doesn't know about all the kind and thoughtful things you do for Clara, Ferret and the rest of the gang, or how you care for Rosa and Maggie, or how you try to help others at AA, or with your volunteering etc. He's not with you 24/7 and I'm sure you don't tell him most of this stuff, so he doesn't know. And perhaps he was just having a bad day himself! Sending you a hug and much admiration for all you do for so many people - including us, who get so much from reading your blog every day.
I have to disagree with your father, Andrew, you are clearly not a selfish person - you are very giving and kind. I expect that he was responding from his own place of pain, and his struggle as a parent to deal with your illness. At times it can feel very overwhelming on both sides. From the outside, my daughter also appears to be selfish in that she isn't able to consider what effect her choices are having on others, but then I realize that she cannot help the choices she is making at the moment. So I don't hold it against her. Your father has said some kind things to you recently, and I suspect you just hit him on a bad night.
I think it is sad that he is leaving you without even a dollar in your pocket, although I understand that he is using this control to attempt to keep you from purchasing alcohol. Why is he limiting your grocery budget so severely? Have you tried telling him that you'd like a dollar each night for the AA meetings?
I am pulling for you, and I hope that you did go back to the Humane Society. I'm sure they need you!
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