Last night's A.A. meeting was so small. There was only four of us. A.A. seems to be floundering these days. I know there is no shortage of alcoholics. They are just not gracing those rooms. I shared about not having any money and my father not letting me have any due to my drinking past. It was kind of humiliating.
"You'll never get better unless you can make the choice to drink or not for yourself," Sandy, a long time A.A. goer, said. "Sobriety can't be forced upon you."
"I know," I replied. "I just don't know what to do. I am trying to get a job. But I'm scared."
"It is okay to be scared," Sandy said. "Maybe that will keep you from drinking."
I did find five dollars sequestered away in my winter coat yesterday. So far, I have resisted any imbibing in mouthwash or a six pack of beer. I was telling my mother about it yesterday.
"Give me the five dollars," my mother said.
"No," I said. "I will never get better unless I can make a conscious choice not to drink. Ya'll have babied me enough."
My parents have come to my rescue far too many times and it has hurt and hindered me. I am 35 years old and am clueless about life and it's inner workings.
Today, I have a 1 PM A.A. meeting and then me and my mother are going out to eat at Barnes' restaurant at five. I look forward to spending some time with my mother and getting a good meal. They have fabulous steaks.
5 comments:
This post is the post of a man. Andrew you are doing so good on this path. We are all proud of you. Just keep your goal firmly in sight and you WILL get there. It's not a race so don't get discouraged. We'll be here to cheer you on.
Andrew... order a big steak!
:-)
I wish too, that your AA group was bigger, Andrew, but this just means that they need you there all the more - to help encourage the other three! :-) I am so glad you could share about your frustration in not having a dollar for the plate, that way they know it isn't because you don't want to contribute. I so agree with you, and them, ultimately it is you who must choose between buying alcohol and not, as much as we wish we could, we cannot force good behavior upon our grown-up children. You are an adult man, and you have to make those choices for yourself. I KNOW you can do it, so prove it to yourself while proving it to them! :-)
I hope you have a lovely dinner with your mother, I wish my son lived close enough to share dinner with. Steak? Mmmmmm, sounds delicious! Have a good day, Andrew!
Enjoy your dinner and your Mom-time. My heart filled with pride upon reading of your standing up to your mother and, in your words, stating, "No. I will never get better unless I can make a conscious choice not to drink. Ya'll have babied me enough." That is so hard to do. I am your exact age and, within my own family dynamic have issues with standing up to my mother even when in my best interest to do so (and I'm certain that, no matter age, I am not the only one...)
You inspire me.
As always, peace...
well done, sugar..you made a choice and stood firm. grow strong in spirit!
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