My lunchtime journey found me walking through downtown. Trying to appreciate the small things in life. Clara walked along beside me asking me questions.
"You seem determined and fierce today," she said.
"I've got a lot on my mind," was my reply as I steadily walked. "I'm dreamin' up grand plans."
"Like what?"
"I am going to sell everything I own and strike out for newer pastures," I said.
"Like a road trip?"
"Yeah, like a road trip."
"Where are you headed?"
"Right here to live in my car," I replied.
"Your fucking nuts!" Clara exclaimed matching my brisk pace.
"It won't be the first nor last time someone has called me that."
"So ya gonna be homeless?"
"Anything is better than what I have now. I don't want that house. I knew there would be a high price to pay to keep it. I didn't realize how high."
Clara grew worried about me as we sat down in the park.
"So your just gonna be homeless like me? Just like that?"
"Yeap," I said as I stifled back a tear, fiercely determined. "It will be my penance to pay."
I had been thinking about it all morning. I realized it was the only way I could reach my father. Then he would maybe see that I was determined not to live the life I was living. And he would do something about it. I don't want to live the next few years of my life with every penny controlled and my every action watched. That and they are forcing handfuls of medications down my gullet every night. I'm breaking free tonight and living in my car starting this evening. I have it all planned out. I will be homeless, but I will be free.
18 comments:
Dear Deep-End,
Look out Andrew is jumping in. Sink or swim time is at hand.
There isn't an option that is between the two that you feel you have? Homeless v. Prisoner of your home? I believe there are always more options. I hope you find more options than homelessness... to me, that seems like a different prisoner.
Hey... I read your blog daily because I was once homeless for many years and have 4 years clean now after going to prison and all that. I have moved from California to Missouri now and I want you to know we all feel trapped. Even though I get a paycheck.... I still have no money. It sucks and I miss the days of no responsiblity and free money from selling drugs. Check me out now. www.stacyglenn.blogspot.com Hang tight. I expect to see another post tomorrow. Love Stacy
I like you Andrew. You have an obvious flair for words and you are a genuine kind soul. BUt I must say, this seems pretty childish. I understand that your illness is tough for you and your family, but how can they ever trust you when you act foolishly and childlike? I Think you need to find a more adult approach to your dilema.
But if not, be safe out there.
You are only trying to regain some control over your life. And as difficult as life was when you were homeless, the only one controlling your life at that point was you. I can see why you feel this way, this type of stir craziness,..I too cannot stand being controlled,..I do hope for your sake that somehow something can improve. Maybe an agreement with dad over finances? Maybe he could do something to not make you feel so much like a child.
Hang in there....and lets hope that you're enjoying your long hike to peacefulness!
Always,
Crusty~
I have to agree with anonymous boxer. When your mind cools down, you will come up with something better. Listen to Clara who is homeless now. Perhaps she knows something you have forgotten. When I get angry about something, my mnind always goes to the most extreme solution. When that passes, I can generally come up with something better. I know you will too.
Have you looked directly at your father and told him in a quiet, calm, controlled voice how he makes you feel and what it does to you? If not, please do. Be as honest with him as you are with your blog friends. Once you've done that you can make a decision about your future. Whatever your decision make it from a calm place not in turmoil. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
dont do it..its way to crazy. speak to your dad first....take your time...think it over.. dont rush in to things and than what and were you are going to go ??
keep safe..stay home work things out.. dont run away from things..thats the easy way...
Andrew, I certainly understand why you are feeling so frustrated. If you feel like you aren't making any headway directly with your Dad perhaps you can get another family member and/or friend to mediate? It does seem like you two are not communicating at all.
I thought your goal was to integrate back into society not run from it. I guess it is good that Rosa has not gotten rid of her place.
I think you will regret this decision. Maybe you should think about it a little further before you dive right in to homelessness again. I've lived in my car too. I'm an addict, yeah, it's somewhat freeing (temporarily) to give up the job and the house and all of the commitments to just be "free", but eventually it sucks and I regret it.
Think about it for a few more days. You might change your mind.
Does Rosa get jealous ever of Clara?
Andrew,
I started reading your blog about 6 months ago. I love it. Its the first thing I check every day. But this is just pissing me off. You have a choice, everybody does, mental illness or not. You can either do the right thing or the wrong thing. I too have a history of addiction & mental illness. I hit a bottom also. You think I like being responsible, going to work every day& paying a mortgage? NO, but we all do it. Good luck if you decide to live on the streets. But this is a disapointment. If I am disapointed, I can only image how your family, who has been there through all of this would feel. Good luck with that on our shoulders.
Go ahead and do it.You are a grown man that is being taken care of by your father and with that you lose some of your freedom.I honestly do not see you following through with this. It seems to me your family has coddled you too much and you appreciate it as much as a spoiled child who doesn't get his way! We will see how long it last.
No Brother man, you won't be free... Not by a long shot. I know you are upset, but this is the worst decision you will make in your life.
More than likely this is what will happen:
You will ruin your life. Completely, and utterly ruin it forever.
You will lose Rosa, your home, your income, the respect and trust of your family (that has taken you a long time to regain ), and place yourself in harms way.. You will go off your meds, and all the full force symptoms, manias, and paranoia will return with a vengance. You will start drinking again.
As soon as you leave, your father will call your doctor, and try to have you declared incompetant and ask that you be taken into custody and committed for your own safety. Your doctor, because he/she won't want to be legally liable if you wind up hurting yourself or someone else in your condition will almost certainly recommend it to the court. It will be approved and, bingo! You are now a fugitive..
Then, local and/or state law enforcement will be called in to locate and take you into custody. They will find and arrest you, and you will wind up in a mental ward, heavily medicated, and possibly a permenant resident there.
NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS, ANDREW.. This is a bad, bad, bad, idea.
Spend a few days camping and cool off a bit. Talk to your dad, and get a guardian appointed to handle your disability money. You can work through this, trust me.
Don't do anything rash. Think about it, your old man alredy tries to control most of your life.. If you pull a stunt like this, he's not just going to sit back and say " ok, andrew.. I give up! go be homeless and live in your car, and go off your meds.. " He is going to go off the deep end and have you committed.
You are upset, and I understand that. But this isn't worth losing your home, family, and possibly your freedom over. Not by a long shot.
I am so, so sorry to read that you are feeling the way you do - but please take my advice and just chill on this for a while. You are hurt and pissed off for some very good reasons. I don't agree with Jenn above that told you that you were being childish - you have some legitimate issues and challenges here right now. And when you feel shitty (trust me, I KNOW), you are not in a headspace to make any kind of reasonable decision. Why don't you and Rosa go for a walk this evening - go and watch the sunset or look at the stars and the moon? Enjoy each other's company and just say nothing.
If it makes you feel any less alone, I'm going through a lack of control situation myself right now. Over the weekend, my boyfriend of a little over a year told me that he "needs space." I have loved and supported him though a lot of challenges that he is struggling with (a mentally ill daughter, an ex-wife from hell, etc), so I feel abandoned that he's in essence, pushing me away. Not to mention that he called me to apologize for hurting me, and in a hurt/alcohol fueled grief-rage, I blasted him. You and I have that in common my friend - we drink when we are hurt and helpless, and it just makes things worse later. I left him a message to apologize for that conversation, and it may not do any good. So I sit here, unable to keep solid food down or quit crying. I just may have lost the brightest spot in my life due to one stupid, unthinking, emotionally charged move. I will admit that I thought of killing myself earlier in the week. But then I remembered my friends, my son, my job...good things in my life...and didn't.
I will remember you in my thoughts tonight. I am going to spend a few hours with a friend tonight, to find the same quiet kind of peace I suggested that you also go and find. It may make me feel better, maybe not. But there is always tomorrow. Things can always get better. Even though my heart is broken, I have been down this road before and know it will get better. So have you. Hopefully, I will check this blog and find you in better spirits tomorrow. And if I were anywhere near you, I'd give you a hug, but in lieu of that, know that someone halfway across the country from you is sending you loving intentions and good energy.
Hey buddy.... cool off! I think your father knows what he's doing. Obviously, you're still too unpredictable. And maybe he's afraid of you blowing your money and not having enough to last you all month. You're being unreasonable, dude. Take a chill pill! Better yet, talk to your doctor and see if your medications are right for you... sounds like you need something else.
And what's up with Clara? It seems like when things get tough for you, you run to her.... What about poor Rosa? I think I know... Rosa is a lot more grounded and you don't want to hear what she has to say because you know she's right. Don't ignore her.
what are you doing andrew, you are going to mess up your life for sure if you do this. please take five think about it and then go talk to your father , he probably doesnt know how u feel about the money thing. i hate to think of u giving up rosa and your dog and your beautiful house , all for what a life on your own with no one to hug you and love you , except a bottle . i will pray for you tonite andrew. please dont do this
Don't do it! You will lose every thing you have treasured in the past, Rosa, you beloved Maggie, your home, your real freedom. Cool off, talk to your Dad, tell him how you feel, be honest with him, don't be mad. He can't read your mind.
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