Of Parks and Clerks and Cameras

Had another anxiety attack last night.  It corresponded with me drinking two regular caffeine filled cokes. Won't do that again. The attack went full force when I was at the grocery store and I left a buggy of food as I ran out and drove home panicked.  Dad bought my groceries noticing the cart, and came and sat with me until it passed.

"Dad, I need to call 911," I said pleadingly. "They will give me a shot to calm me down."

"No," he said. "You just sit with me and calm down."

Dad talked to me for what was close to hour -- the talking really helped.  He was already exhausted from working all day and I felt terrible for holding him up.  Dad had also brought my camera which was a complete surprise.  I thought the order had been canceled because the camera was on backorder. I began to "play" as soon as I got to feeling better -- this camera being very much like my old one with similar menus and buttons.

Set out for my nightly walk around 1 AM.  My favorite convenience store clerk greeting me when I walked in. It was a cold, starry night perfect for radiational cooling thus the cold, and the warmth of the convenience store was welcoming. We got on the subject of A.A. after I mentioned something about going as I stood there drinking some decaf.  I had said many of the clerk's patrons needed to go with the drunken antics he is always reveling me in.

"Does it really keep you sober?" the clerk asked me.

"You do all the hard work, but the meetings help," I replied. "I helps in that you don't feel so alone in your struggles."

"I've always wanted to go sit in one of those meetings," he then said.

"You can sit in any open meeting," I replied. "No one will say anything to you about being there."

I left my favorite clerk and headed for my favorite little park. I took a seat on a dark bench and lit a cigarette -- the smoke billowing around my face as I drank my hot decaf.  I prayed that another anxiety attack wouldn't happen.  They are such terrible ordeals to experience and are downright scary. I was so relived to be feeling better.  I sat for what seemed like hours as I watched cars parade by on the highway. Far off in the distance a train horn wailed and made me feel lonely.

There was a strange smell in the park -- a noxious smell of rotting flesh and vomit.  It made me nauseous.  Was unsure if it was my schizophrenia or not. I sat breathing through my mouth as I struggled to read an A.A. pamphlet in the dark about sponsorship I had picked up in a meeting yesterday and put in my backpack.  I sorely need a sponsor and some guidance about obtaining one.

Finally, I walked on home wishing I could sleep.  I seem to go through these spells of insomnia.  I am just exhausted after that anxiety attack last night feeling like I have been run over by a very large truck. I fear something is bad wrong with me as I feel another coming on as I write this.