A shaky morning evolved into a wonderful afternoon of lazily hiking down by the rails, dodging rain, and enjoying some beer by the river. I called them my sunset brews as the rain softly fell with me beneath my poncho on the river bank with an amber quart in hand. All seemed well and my turbulent mind early this morning fell quiet and calm as the day progressed, and seemed to correspond with the amount of beer I had consumed. I realize now why I drank so heavy for all those years as alcohol is my magic elixir -- the balm for my malfunctioning brain, bringing a calm and togetherness I usually don't exhibit on any given day.
Talked to George for a long time at one point up at the shopping center. The gang was all gathered around George's car as he showed us his new car stereo.
"I'm glad you didn't get one of those stereos with the booming bass," I told him relieved.
"That wouldn't be fit for gospel," George replied. Gospel being his preferred form of aural sensation.
As I was walking away, Clara grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side.
"Can I come over tonight? Please?"
I told her how to get to my house which is about a mile walk from the shopping center. I probably made a big mistake, but I felt sorry for her and wanted to help. I seem to collect homeless people.
"Bring something to drink. I'll cook us something good to eat," I told her. "How does breakfast for supper sound?"
Clara kissed me on the cheek and told me she would see me before dark. It is getting very late and she has yet to show up. I wonder if she is coming. At least I will have a drinking buddy tonight already having garnished my fridge with two bottles of cheap wine.
The camera is on it's way and should be here tomorrow or the day after depending on how fast it ships. I feel like a kid at Christmas in anticipation. I also ordered a 4 GB memory card so I could shoot hour long movies with it. I can't wait!
Talked to my father a moment ago and told him how "buzzy" my head feels. Everything seems to be moving in fast motion, but it is much better than it was early this morning when I couldn't sleep. I still say I am on too many medications and some need to be culled. I take a literal handful of pills every night and I am not quite sure what my father gives me. This will cause an uproar within my family when I suggest this course of action - my brother and sister both being doctors and my father a pharmacist -- they think drugs can cure everything. When I was off my medications, I had one of my most prolific writing periods and a period of great creativity. I feel drugged!
15 comments:
Hi Andrew,I am so glad I found your site. You are a great writer. Thank you for sharing. Pam
I think you need to stop drinking. I do not think it is a good idea to have Clara over. Rosa is going to be badly hurt when she finds out. And she will find out.
Your schizophrenia is not an excuse for your alcoholism. Your alcoholism is not self-medication. Your alcoholism is self-abuse. You need to stop. If you need help seek out your parents, siblings, Rosa or AA group members. Do not seek out enablers.
In the end all that matters are the people around us and the difference we make. How we choose to live our lives in the face of adversity is what defines us. You have choices and you are at the moment making the wrong ones. The time to start making the right ones again is now.
Call your father. Ask him to come over. Call Rosa. Ask her to come over. And together start again.
Tough place to be. At least you've found the power of the pen. Good luck dealing with your demons. We all have them. God Bless!
No doubt!
You have commented a number of times about having the feeling that you may be on too many meds. No disrespect to your dad but why don't you anonymously phone another pharmacy, ask to speak with the pharmacist and list your meds, ask if there are any contraindications. Getting a 2nd opinion is good for most things right. Good luck.
Self destruction is what comes to mind. You said Rosa isn't over because you need alone time... yet you invite another woman over. Sad to say but Rosa is going to be so hurt, and your relationship both romantic and friend will be over as soon as she find out. And she will find out. Play with fire and you will get burned. You don't think Clara is going to tell everyone? This is not you mental issues, this is self destruction!
I have checked in on you over time and am concerned about the recent turn of events. I wish you wisdom in the choices that you must make every day -- please use that wisdom soon.
God bless you.
You're in a tough place with your family and the meds. Hopefully, that new camera ignites your creativity.
I want you to always feel that you can be real here with us, Andrew. But I also hope you recognize that when under the influence of alcohol you are not being real, even with yourself. It changes you every bit as much as those medications, and distorts your perception of what is good. I am pulling for you and I hope you find your way back soon. (((Hugs)))
Twit... is what comes to mind with your recent posts. It seems to me that things are going less that well with Rosa and you may be using Clara as a means to get out of your relationship.
You have problems and only hinder yourself by continuing to abuse yourself. You have surrounded yourself with others that allow you feel better than them, and all it does is give you more ammunition to abuse yourself.
You need to stop finding solace in those online, and find peace with yourself. You are currently your own worst enemy and no amount of online support will save you. You have to save yourself by loving who you are and accepting your own flaws. Once you do,you may find it in yourself to surround yourself with people who truly care.
Yeesh, some of your commenters are moralistic and self-righteous.
I think all this would hurt Rosa terribly
i can only imagine how hard it is to get away from the abundance of meds when your dad is a pharmacist and your siblings are doctors.
it is certainly your right to know exactly what you are taking each night. perhaps he could give you the run-down?
good luck:)
Andrew, I know you're not feeling right, but after almost a year of reading your blog I can see a difference in your last few posts. Maybe you can take a minute and look at how different your tone is lately. It's scary.
I think all that you're doing is being honest..nothing wrong with that..and I don't doubt your caring nature and have no doubt in my mind that you're just trying to help a friend..my gosh, people are so quick to judge. Instead of giving him-Andrew-A hard time, why don't you just show support? geesh!
Always,
Crusty~
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