I am kind of struggling with writing these past few days -- my mental illness playing tricks with me. My fingers feel as lead and typing is hard. The whole process of getting words into this computer has proved daunting. C'est lie vie as they say.
I have really surprised myself these past two days with really going beyond my comfort zone. I went to having nothing to do, to having full days. I want this to be a test for going back to work. I can't stay on disability for the rest of my life. I long to be a self supporting man and to be able to come home after a day's work feeling pleased with myself. Working is not like riding a bike. You lose skills over time and just a basic a skill as getting up to be somewhere at a prescribed time can be hard. I struggled this morning getting up to be at the Humane Society by eight. Eye lids heavy. Yawning furiously. I jumped in the shower and made my way to "work." It felt so good with something to do -- to have a purpose to life. Something I have sorely missed these past few years.
I was once under the delusion that I could make a living writing. That my blog would be discovered and lauded by publishing houses. Sadly, the stories of George and the gang dried up. Which I considered my best and most interesting writing. Life, just like the weather, changes. Old avenues are closed and new avenues are opened. I am going to be concentrating on real life and not just this blog now. I want to get married and possibly have some kids. I want to go on vacations to be remembered. I want Maggie to greet me after a hard day of work and to know I am supporting me and my cherub pup. I have so many wants and desires. I don't just want to be the mentally ill blogging dude.
I have also really gone out on a limb as far as my social anxiety is concerned. I have really surprised myself. Strangers. Volunteer Directors. Receptionists. Strange A.A. meetings. It has all gone to push my limits, but it is invigorating as well. To not be afraid anymore of everything and anything. To know I have the strength in myself to overcome my deepest fears. My own self would be shuddering in fear at my new persona.
Well, I have another A.A. meeting to attend tonight. I have actually felt so well these past few days that I am getting brave enough to look for jobs. Little signs in doors saying "Help Wanted" are so tempting! Let me get ready for A.A. and I appreciate those of you reading. Take Care!!!!
21 comments:
This sounds like a very good day. You need other things in your life. Don't over extend, you know the line. Baby steps, baby steps.
Andrew is is SO good to read posts like this one. I am so very happy that youre pushing yourself a little and having good results. When you put your mind to it, you can do anything. :)
Hugs....
Cindi Ann
All I have to say is "well done you", I'm so proud of you, so proud of you that I'm smiling while typing this.
Andrew, your blog isn't good because of your characters or your problems... your blog is good because you are a good writer.
I truly think you could make the most boring thing interesting.
I look forward to your stories about your new future. It sounds fabulous. :-)
Andrew, your blog is good because you write raw truth..it's magical and captivating..and to me you are not a hollywood inspiration, (although you very well should be!) but you're an inspiration to us..your readers that wake in the morning and honestly care about you..You're not a $$$ sign, you're a person with a life, with love, trials and a passion for life..
you are respected in my eyes..
and I just wanted to say that we're all proud of you!
Bigdogg says KEEP IT UP!
jackson say, "If you want I can stare at the stars with you."
Sullivan: "Did you take my cookie?"
Ben: "goo-goo"
Crustybeef: "Have a fabulous night!
You really are an all or nothing kind of person--now you're busier than ever. Best wishes with your new adventures. You are on your way to finding your groove. Thanks for taking us along.
PS.. your writing is great. Just keep doing what comes naturally.
Everyone is right. You have a natural talent. And I'm sure most of us, myself included, have had that desire to be discovered and make our money through what we love the most... writing. I hope that perfect job finds you.
Andrew,
Don't give up on your writing dream. Like others have said, it isn't what you are writing about as much as it is your writing style. You can write about a walk down a railroad track, describing what you see, and make it interesting.
Take care,
John
I love the way you sound so strong today. I can almost hear your voice as I read your blog. I truly am happy for you and you get the "go for it!" from me.
Just remember us from time to time and write to let us know how you are doing!!
Wonderful news from a wonderful young man. It isn't easy but then nothing worth having is. You can do anything you want to because you are a strong person. Your post is so postive that it made my day!
kudos to you! :) sounds cliche but i think every tomorrow would be better than the previous one and there's always a reason to smile..glad you think that way...although you cant control how life goes, you sure can control the way you want to live it...if you can handle volunteering well sure you can cope with a job...go go andrew! :) you know you can...you just have to dig deeper..
I come here every single day to read what you write. I come back everytime because you are good.
hank you for this post, it is invigorating.
Thank you* :-)
HUGE (hugs) Andrew!! I'm so proud of you. It definetly boosts one's self esteem by being needed and knowing you're making a difference.
I concur with the others on your writing. It's not what you say, but how you say it that is captivating.
Blessings
Leann
How I loved reading this line, Andrew... "I don't just want to be the mentally ill blogging dude." You are so, so much greater than that!! We can easily get ourselves entrapped in boxes and roles, and after awhile we find that we don't fit so well there anymore. Great! I love the way you are reaching out to give your life more meaning! Take it slowly, don't overdo. Give yourself room and time to adapt to the new Andrew! Your new outlook sounds so solid, and like the others, I do believe there is a place for writing in it, you do have talent, it is obvious, even in your simplest posts! We are still hoping to see you express yourself in painting and photography as well! As long as we hold tight to the belief that life can be good, it CAN BE! I am happy for you my friend, just keep on being Andrew - you are awesome! If you stumble along the way, dust off your knees and get back up - we all must! :-)
im really happy for you andrew. it sounds like you cant wait to get to work . you must really make a lot of animals happy to see you as well as the staff. keep going to as many places as possible , it will lesson your fear of new places that way :) cheers to you andrew good nite :)
So should I echo the sentiment that is rampant through these posts: that you are a great writer. At the risk of sounding redundant, yes, you are a great writer. I have only 3 blogs I visit daily, one is my daughter's, one is mine, and the other is yours. I come here to see life in a new way, described vividly, colorfully and honestly. Keep it up.
Morning Andrew! relax- you write well and that leads us to yet another idea... does your humane society have a web site? how about one hosting pictures of the pets and their stories (written by you, natch)- that would up the adoptions and with a donation button could help them materially as well. as well as you write- and your empathy with the homeless (people and pets)- could open up new possibilities for these little lives. you have a fine talent man, use it!
You are a gifted writer. Please keep on blogging. We love you.
hi there... very good to see this as one of my first blog hits of the day. you sound great. and so strong and brave. best of luck in all your adventures and endeavors...
take care my brotha
why don't you open up a second blog and use it strickly for "story" telling? Write us a fictional story to read.
Just a thought.
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