By now you have probably read my previous post. By now you are probably thinking I enabled my mother to get away with this, and I have. I am caught in a terrible Catch-22. If I tell my father of my mother's indiscretions this morning then I will destroy any trust I have built up with her. What she did was wrong and put others in harm's way. She drove drunk all over our little town. On the other hand, my father will overreact and probably not act in a rational way. Things will get mightily complicated for the foreseeable future. My mother will be treated like a small child and overly scolded.
Mom called me a minute ago pleading with me not to tell my father. I asked her exactly what happened and she said she has been saving the three Xanax Dad gives her nightly. She says she can't bare her solitary reality any longer and needs something to make her feel better. I've said the same thing about beer many times. "I'm not addicted," she pleaded talking of a HIGHLY addictive substance. Oh, how the roles have reversed. Now sober, I am faced with the very same dilemma my family was faced with months ago with me. It is so very damned easy just to turn a blind eye and hope this won't happen again, but it will. It has happened often over the years. I don't know what to do, but I do know what is right and wrong.
22 comments:
My Mother was addicted to Xanax - it's a true bomb.... I drew the line when she was driving because I could never forgive myself if an innocent family was injured/killed because of it. I also didn't want my Mother spending the last years of her life in prison.
You have a hard decision to make. I've been there. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do, is to "hurt" someone you love.
Take care.
I'd do with her what I do with a friend of mine. My friend is bipolar and schizophrenic and tends to stop taking his medications when he starts feeling "better." And once the meds are gone, the bizarre behavior starts. I told him when he relapsed last, "I love you, but I cannot be friends with you and enable you when you are doing something you know you shouldn't." I will not turn a blind eye to 2A phone calls that make no sense and my friend destroying himself. Tough Love is needed. Just tell your mom that you helped her this one time, but that you will not enable - and that you will tell your father if it happens again. I live in a larger area, so people's indescretions can hide for a long time. Not so where you are. I'm also concerned that your father is prescribing meds for her, too. He's NOT a doctor. THAT is wrong and illegal. If she is using drugs to mask her solitary life, then additional help is needed. Have she and your father looked into counseling? Or has she looked into it for herself?
You are in a tough spot my friend. Your Mom didn't drive drunk...she drove HIGH. Using is using, plain and simple. Nine Xanax is ALOT. I understand how you feel you are in a catch 22 situation. I hope you find a solution.
Hugs...
C.A.
Hugs to you both, Andrew. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is struggling so much right now. It does sound like a terribly difficult situation. Would any of your siblings be able to help?
Hello Sir:
Sadly, you are in a difficult situation. People seem to think that NINE Xanax is a lot. Yet, I think the overlooked problem is that your Mom has been given three Xanax a day for who knows how long, by your father. I cannot imagine an actual medical doctor prescribing that sort of quantity of that medication. I really do not understand why your father feels it is ok to do this to her (or at times to you).
Being given any non-prescribed prescription medication is too much especially for people who have schizophrenia.
I have no advice for you sir. I do not think you can win. Your father should not be pushing non-prescribed prescription medications on your mother (or onto you either). You will lose either way you choose. Your mother is at risk for overdosing. Your mother would not be taking Xanax unless it was given to her.
Prescription pain medications are so frequently toxic and can cause death very readily if abused.
I wish I knew how to be of help, but I do not.
PipeTobacco
How about taking mom to AA with you? Can't hurt, might help. Maybe she is lonely too. I bet your dad isn't home a lot and most of your family lives elsewhere. She probably doesn't have many friends and she doesn't even have the outlet of the internet that you do.
Tough spot to be in kiddo. I don't envy you having a decision like this one to make. Damned if you do... Ditto if you don't. I can't think of anything to say that might help.
Double Blessing to you Andrew!
I have read your blog for some time now. I enjoy reading it and I think you are a very good writer. I think you are a great person and you are doing great with your problems. Everyone has them. Keep up the good work.
Hi Andrew,
Haven't commented in a while although I read regularly!
This situation is a tough one. I don't know what to advise but I know you'll make the right decision. For you, your mother, your family. Listen to you heart is all I can say really...
Take care :-)
I will only reiterate what others have said. You are indeed in a difficult situation. Both of your parents are in the wrong, however realistically it will not change. It is difficult enough taking care of yourself without worrying about your Mom.
Perhaps getting her out and taking her to AA meetings with you is a viable option?
Building a level of trust with mom may make an intervention by you, succeed. I tend to tell you to continue building that trust. I know Pharmacists are guilty of self medicating people because they are exposed to controlled substances, and think they have that freedom. Where in reality they dont. Many drugs that are given without an RX can cause more harm then good, and it is illegal!
B~
When Mom is sober (not high) and in a decent mood, help her work out a plan to tell him herself that she wants to wean herself down to 2 per day (he is thinking that she is doing 3, right?)...and then 1 per day and then only the odd time when she needs to numb out. She will likely always need this to fall back on.
Xanax withdrawl is horrible - ulcer-like stomach pain and headaches etc... she will need to do it slowly. YOU should not wear this problem. She needs to be (guardedly) straight with her husband. What happened on the day at your place is irrelevant and doesn't need to be reported. But Dad has to know that she has a desire to wean herself down, because he lives with her and is likely the one to be involved in rescue efforts if she overdoses.
If she can admit that she once did 9 of them at once, that would be even better.(ie) it would take the *heavy* off Andrew's shoulders.
Cheers, & blessings.
I don't have any advice here - ultimately it's your mum's decision. But it's interesting to see where you got your genetic pre-disposition to addictive substances from! Can your mum see a counsellor? It sounds as though she needs friends and something to fill in her days... Are there any groups she can join in your town?
I've been saying all along that his father is the problem.
Andrew, if you really know right from wrong like you say you do, you'd better tell someone OTHER than your father, or one day you'll be visiting dad in jail and mom at the cemetery.
He fusses at your mother because if she gets caught, his ass is in big trouble for giving the medicaiton to her!!! He's not mad because of what she's doing, he's mad because it could ruin him!!
If you're mother kills someone how will you feel then?
If I could, I'd turn your parents in myself!!
You are indeed in a tough place, but you have to tell your Mom you will not continue to enable her and if this happens again you will tell your Dad. Andrew, you have to tell him what is going on for her protection and for any innocent victims that might be injuried/killed as a result of her driving while she is under the influence of drugs. Invite her to attend AA with you. This will give her some interaction with some people facing the same problems. Like one of the previous commentors said, you do not want her spending the last days of her life in prison for something that could have been prevented. DON'T continue to enable her. Do the right thing, and I know you will. You are a good man.
Have you thought about getting a sponsor? I know that when I'm faced with dilemmas and am having trouble deciding what to do, that's when they help me the most. If you can't go to your father about, you could always go to your sponsor.
well holy crap andrew-- nine xanax is alot-- but really-- in a way-- by not knowing the milligram dosage it might be less than it sounds. i mean, it is definitely a lot-- regardless of the mg.. but depending on what she is used to taking/ her tolerance etc--
did you happen to ask any of those types of details? how much she normally takes vs how much she took?
or is all you know = nine tabs?
regardless-- it is very difficult to overdose to death on xanax, but to drive while on it- even a much lower amount than what your mother may have taken.. is more than asking to kill someone or herself.
you did the right thing by driving her home.
as far as her being addicted? who knows? do you know if this was the first time she has taken so many at once? just because she takes them at night to aid in sleep doesn't make her addicted-- many people use xanax for sleep--and it is often prescribed for sleep when other meds don't work. if it isn't abused-- there usually isn't a problem. i wouldn't jump the gun-- until, or unless you know she is abusing them.. consistently.
as for you-- work your own program. not hers. talk to her when you know hasn't taken any pills, and discuss what happened. let her know-- if you see a pattern of abuse-- you are going to have to tell your father. no supply-- no abuse. no problem.
easier said than done i KNOW. but she cannot continue this way-- and you cannot save her-- it's not your job.
take care brotha--
you did good. no reason to feel bad or guilty at all... just don't make a habit of it. that's when it becomes a problem.. for all concerned. ok?
have a great day today
(sorry if i posted in your box.. i just can't help myself sometimes :))
Wow. You're in a tough spot. I wish I had great words of advice for you. You are right, she drove all over town drunk and could have killed someone. She needs help, that's for sure. Good luck.
I can't believe that an MD wrote her a prescription that said "Take 3 Xana at bedtime."If your dad is just doling them out to her, it is surely illegal and he has a wolf by the ears---he can't hold onto it, but he can't abruptly let it go either. Are you supposed to "know" about the 3 Xanax nightly? If so, can you talk to your dad about it? She's going to do this again and next time she might not wake up. Does she also drink?
Don't know whether it is the right question ... justlacey had some good ideas I think.
I take xanax to help me sleep occaisionally and 1/2 of a pill works like a charm. THREE is abuse. Nightly abuse.
Color it any way you want...she needs help.
I said it before, I think the dad is the problem. Andrew, don't take anything he gives you unless you KNOW what it is and you have SEEN the perscription from the doctor with YOUR name on it.
Remember the little pink pills? He's tried to give you stuff you didn't know about in the past. He's up to no good. He's NOT a doctor. I think his position has gone to his head.
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