I feel sad tonight. I am immensely lonely and want human contact. Alaine had to work all day and with her disability it drains her so. She has to bust her ass to make it through sometimes and it does not leave much for me. I understand completely and give her space during such times. I do not bother her much on week nights. I want to go over to my parent’s house but I know mom will just be in the bed and Dad doesn’t get home sometimes till 10 am. I crave human contact yet I want to be alone. It is a strange dilemma.
It is times like this that I can understand why the homeless guy bolted and just took off. I am having those feelings tonight. I want to just escape into the woods. I want to live off of the land. I want to be self sufficient and to not rely on others. I want to learn the ways of my Native American fore bearers and live a meaningful life. I want a life with substance and meaning.
I try to tell myself that things could be much worse. I could live in true poverty. I know that most of you that read may think that what I draw would be considered well below the poverty line but I see things differently. I have great wealth compared to many in the world. I also think about being incarcerated. I could have none of the freedoms I have now. I have the freedom to do what I want when I want it pretty much. I have food, plenty of clean water, air conditioning, a soft, warm bed; I have so many things to be thankful of.
That’s the hard thing about the getting the funks. It is hard to see what you have and you tend to dwell on what you don’t have. I will try to dismiss the funks tonight. I wish I had a pill to take to knock me out until my frame of mind changes. That would be nice to go to sleep and awake to a new day and a new frame of mind. I will just have to make it by. I think I will set the tent up in the back yard and read a book by candle light and listen to the night time sounds. Maybe that will put my aching heart at ease. I just need comfort.
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