Facing reality……

I don’t think I am cut out for college. Take for instance this morning. I have so much tension and anxiety over the upcoming week it is almost unbearable. I have a knot in my stomach and butterflies something terrible. I just want to run and hide. Maybe I took too many classes out of the gate. I should have taken just one or two and not four. My hardest aspect of this is keeping up with all my assignments in my head. Maybe I need to get a calendar or weekly planner.

I went into this with unrealistic goals. I always do that. I thought college would be this fun learning experience but it is mainly about testing. I thought I would go and learn and explore new ideas. In reality, I am just one of many drones sitting in a class regurgitating material like a robot. There is very little true learning involved. You memorize material and then it is forgotten a few weeks later and how do many of these classes relate to being a social worker? The majority of them don’t. The only class that relates is psychology and the class is a joke.

When something is this painful I start to look at other options. People say that pain and strife build character. Screw that shit. I have plenty of character without having to loose my mental health to gain it. I will stick this semester out and then see where I will go. I know I will only take one class this summer and that is Algebra.

What could I do other than social work and 4 years of toilsome drudgery to be one? I am a whiz at computers. I can put together a computer in a matter of hours from basic components. I can repair and solve almost all problems. Maybe I could get A+ certified to repair personal computers. I definitely have a knack for it and keep abreast of all the current trends and technologies. I was going to do this and have many books on A+ certification.

I also thought about becoming an auto mechanic. I am damn fine mechanic even without training and do the majority of repairs on my own vehicle. The college I attend has courses on auto mechanics. Dad would die if I did that though and probably wouldn’t pay for it. I would have to get grants. He would see it as beneath me. I would also have to buy a very expensive set of tools.

I just think I need to learn a trade. I am a very hands-on person and enjoy working with my hands. I just need to ramble and mull over this and get my thoughts down. My apologies if this came across as whining. It was not my intention.