Paranoid android……

I’ve noticed some signs lately. I have become extremely paranoid about my neighbors. I think they are watching me and reporting to some entity about me. It is so insidious that I do not notice it at first. It just seems normal to me and then this morning I was afraid to go out to smoke my pipe and it dawned on me what I was doing. At least now with experience I can recognize the symptoms and know what is going on. In my youth (early twenties) I would be oblivious to my odd behavior.

I have also been very reclusive lately and avoid human contact. I am content to lock myself up in my apartment away from the world; all alone with just my thoughts. I feel safe doing this. I have found one of the hardest aspects of my existence is dealing with other humans. They perplex me and their social norms and ideas confound this problem. At the same time, I can grow lonesome as well. I long to find someone who will accept me for who am I and not judge me by the clothes I am wearing or how I comb my hair or other silly things. I want someone to know me for the person inside and not the superficial outer things such as appearance. I have also just had this paranoia lately that everyone is watching and judging me. It as if I am on stage and am having to constantly perform and it grows so wearisome and tiring.

I think part of all of this has to do with the stress of school. I am in a constant state of anxiety over it. I worry about it all the time to the point of madness. This morning I lay in bed with my stomach in knots and a terrible case of the butterflies. I wish I just didn’t give a shit but my family is basing my worth on being back in college. It means so much to my father to the point he is fanatical about it. I told mom the other day that I didn’t think I can handle the stress after all I have been through this past year and she urged me to keep trying. She is the only one I can talk to about things as she understands.

As always I was so eager and excited to be back in school but I bit off more than I could chew. I should have only taken one or two courses my first semester back after a decade’s absence from college. I just so badly wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it and handle the responsibility and stay sane at the same time. I felt it would give my life worth in my significant other’s eyes.