Restlessness

Yesterday evening, I felt as if I was about to jump out of my skin. I am not sure if it is my new medication or not. It was a feeling of restlessness and agitation. Every little thing was getting on my nerves. I loaded up my backpack with my gear and headed out spring road to camp for the night. I wanted to go where nobody could find me or bother me. I was not in the fame of mind to have any visitors and it was likely with my whole family in town for the holidays. Also, Charlie had been in and out of the upstairs of this house all day and it was causing me panic attacks that he would visit or inquire about me.

I pitched my tent amidst a stand of old growth hardwood trees well off from the road and climbed inside pulling all my gear in with me. It was very chilly and I wrapped myself up in my warm sleeping bag and read by the flickering glow of my candle lantern. Soon, the patter of rain could be heard softly failing on the fabric of my tent. It was a surreal moment and comforting as well; no noise other than that soft patter. I soon grew very sleepy and blew out my lantern and tried to drift off to sleep. My mind raced with a hundred thoughts and kept me awake. I laid there for the longest time in the pitch black confines of my tent. Finally, at some point past midnight, my mind grew quiet and I went to sleep.

I awoke this morning and it was still raining softly. It had turned much colder overnight and I just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. No amount of trying worked and I finally got up and put on some warm clothes. I gathered up all my gear and put it back into my backpack. I sat as the rain fell wondering how I was going to hike home without getting wet and catching pneumonia in the process. I should have paid better attention to the forecast, but probably would have gone anyway. It is times like these that I feel most alive and at one with nature.

I finally mustered up enough courage to head home. I put on my backpack’s rain cover and my poncho as well. I started hiking up that long hill climb towards home in an icy cold rain. I arrived home with my legs soaking wet and cold, but my upper body was still dry and warm. I now wish I would have stayed out there and just slept the day away. I still feel restless and agitated as if the weight of the world is bearing down upon my shoulders. The only thing comforting about today is the sound of rain falling outside my windows. I wish I had a magic pill to take that would make me feel better.