Weary and Bleary Eyed

What a long fucking day. It seemed it would never end. I went to eat with my mother tonight and she wasn’t feeling well. She was so quiet and it worried me. We really shouldn’t have gone out to eat, but she insisted. I took her on home and made sure she got in the bed. I turned on the air conditioner, locked the back door, and drove on home.

Tonight, at my AA meeting, I decided to speak which I rarely do.

“Hi, my name is Andrew and I am an alcoholic,” I said and then began my spiel.

I should have said, “Hi, my name is Andrew and I am a fuckin’ idiot” because that was about how it sounded as I rambled. One of the other members had talked about how he had hurt his ex-wife with his drinking. It touched a chord in me and I just had to blurt out what was on my mind. I talked about what I put Rachel through with my drinking as well. I should have stayed quiet because I felt like a fool after I had spoken. When the meeting was over, I quietly slipped out to my car and drove on home avoiding everyone. It was definitely one of those too embarrassed to face anyone moments. I need to just keep my big mouth shut and listen since I am so new to the program. I don’t know what the hell I am talking about.

I have established a bad habit with Maggie today. She was begging to go out. I thought she needed to use the bathroom. It was a cool afternoon after a nice rain so I had all my windows open. I opened the backdoor so Maggie could come and go. I went out to call her and she was way up in my next door neighbor’s yard. Now, she sits at the back door constantly whining to go out. I guess she got a taste of freedom and now can’t get enough.

For supper, I made mushroom chicken and rice. It is oh so fattening, but oh so delicious. I ate until I could eat no more. I have had a totally shitty and crappy day and needed some comfort food. It sucks cooking for one person though. I have enough left over to feed an army. I need to halve the recipe.

Carolyn called me tonight and asked if she could come over when she gets off at 3 AM. I told her I would leave the backdoor unlocked and for her just to come on in. It is not like I lock it anyway. She said she didn’t want to be alone tonight and wanted to sleep with me. I look forward to her crawling into the bed and me wrapping my arms around her. I told her I would fix us a good breakfast in the morning when we both got up and going. I am defrosting some of the sausage I had in my freezer from Clark Brother’s Meats. That is some of the best sausage you will ever eat. I am also going to cook us some ham and cheese omelets in the morning.

Well, let me go take a shower, take out my contacts, and crawl into the bed. I will be glad to call it a day. Good night.