I am so impatient. I am chomping at the bit to get my new camera. I can't wait to start taking pictures again. This morning it was cold with clear skies. I watched as Venus soon rose above the horizon followed by the day's first light and then the sun. I wished I had my camera so I could capture this brilliant start of a new day. It is during moments such as experienced this morning that I relish being alive.I feel so stupid now that I am back on my medications, though. There are definite pros and cons to the anti-psychotic I am taking. A few days ago, writing came so easily to me. Effortless. I felt so creative and couldn't wait to write more and more. Now? My mind feels tired and slow. It is a major effort to get something written down for this blog. I am having to read other blogs to get the inspiration to write. Slow. Dull witted. My mind aches. Writing is a painful process.
Last night, Rosa and I were talking on the phone about things sexual. She asked why I never want to make love anymore.
"I can't," I reply. "My medications completely blunt my sex drive."
I now know how all those frigid wives felt trying to spurn their sex starved husband's advances.
"But you were so amorous a few days ago," Rosa says.
"I was off my medications. I can't even get excited about porn when I am on them. These medications make me entirely asexual."
"Have you thought about Viagra?"
I laugh and say, "I am leery of taking more drugs. My drugs are already costing over $2000 a month."
I got out of the bed to come and look at pictures of naked women pulled up with a Google image search. No joy. It did nothing for me and I sighed, growing bored at all the fake and unrealistic looking women on the Internet. It was like giving a gay man a Playboy magazine and expecting him to get aroused. It did nothing for me.
I still couldn't sleep last night. I had all my windows open and listened to the wind blow and the last sounds of summer's insects as they faded away while the temperature dropped. Gone are the katydids and the cicadas. It will be a long winter until I hear them again. I also thought of Clara on that loading dock behind the shopping center. She must have gotten chilly last night. The temperature dropped to near 45 degrees. Her sleeping bag should be here in a few days and she will be toasty warm at night.
7 comments:
I am so very excited for you to get your camera as well. Do you still listen to the trains by the dock? I am hoping once you get your camera, you will want to do some hiking again. I loved it when you went on hikes last year. Your mind was free and the scenery was beautifuly described. I'm missing you today.
It had been about a week since I read your blog. Your writing was like reading poetry - beautiful even as the sentence stucture and theme suffered. I see why you hate the meds and crave the drink. For those of us who have only little highs and lows, we crave the highs as well and despise the thought of mere contentment.
It was very kind of you to get your Friend the sleeping bag. Very, very kind.
Andrew
I love your pictures of the fall time. I was wondering if I could copy the pictures and print them out. I would love to use them as small pictures in my home. I would in enlarge them so that would look nice.
I am so glad to see the ads back up. This way I know that you are getting some extra spending money. I will continue to click on them if I see something to my interest. I hope that that helps you. Have a wonderful day and I love your blog continue to write.
Melissa
i know what ya mean about the meds slowing your mind. i get that way too. but really.. what's worse? taking the senility induced by the drugs... or cracking up and goin off the deep end without them? i've lived both ways, several times.
i have finally accepted my meds.
it no where near makes me happy in many ways... but they do keep me alive. and married.
so.
anyhow.. i really just came by to say hello!
oh by the way..
are you a football fan?
because dallas is beatin y'alls butt on the feild right now.. you watchin?
it's only 35-7
:))
Hi Andrew! Just dropping by to check in - running way late today. Couldn't get my butt outta bed in a timely manner. I love the early morning hours just like you do - the most beautiful/magical time of the day. From there it tends to go downhill sometimes. :-)
I feel for you on the medication - writing highs - and sex drive issue. I wish all of life wasn't all about trade-offs. But I gotta agree with Soul on this one - you won't get much writing done (or have much great sex either) if you are locked away in a hospital 'cuz you went off the deep end. So you do what you gotta do, and treasure the times when it all falls into place. It does you know! :-) I smiled in realizing that what you see and feel as your "dull blogging days" are still way far more interesting that what most of us are able to write on our best days! You have a real gift for writing, Andrew, and there is never a time that I come here and don't enjoy the read. Just keep being you, you are beautiful as you are!
the tone of your writing changes when you are off/on meds, but that doesn't make it worse, or boring- just different. another facet of you- just as real, just as true.
paint andrew. don't wait. why wait? paint. we spend so much of our life waiting for the right time to do something instead of being alive. (what does clara need to feel alive? and non-bored?)
tis a good camera- excellent choice. Cheers!
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