A Tingle in my Brain…

Mental illness is hard for me to describe.  I am talking about the subtle versions of mental illness that don’t manifest themselves outwardly in bizarre behavior.  I am sure you’ve all been to a big city and seen the crazy street preachers on the corners decreeing the end is near and so is the second coming of Christ. My mental illness is not like that for the most part. It’s subtle and usually very physical.

Mental illness starts for me as butterflies in my stomach leading sometimes to confusion and rambling phone calls to my parents trying to explain what was going on with me.  When I was having the anxiety/panic attacks my illness was so very physical and tangible. I lived in constant fear around the clock that I was going to have an attack.  I was scared to death. It was a truly miserable existence. 

It started tonight with a tingle in my brain – a buzz if you will. A slight hint of confusion creeps up on me. Now the butterflies have started fluttering in my stomach in earnest.  I am also obsessing – obsessing over the cleanliness of my home.  Laura wants to grill out Saturday and I’ve got to do some serious heavy duty cleaning and fast.  Dad was too drunk last night for me to share my concerns with him.  I know what he would tell me, though. “Tell her you are having problems with your illness and you can’t do it.  You really can’t do all that, Andrew!  You are not able.”  That’s what my father would say. “She expects too much out of you!”

This would be prime addiction time years ago.  I would drink and drown my mental illness in beer or pills and also copious amounts of cigarettes – the nicotine soothing the ailing neurons of my brain. The very same neurons that misfire to cause schizophrenia.  A dozen beers later, I would have forgotten all my problems and would be ready for bed – alcohol being a depressant and all causing drowsiness.. 

Photo Credit:  http://www.webmd.com/brain/picture-of-the-brain

Tamaraisms…

Strangeness and gibberish.  This could be a case of the pot calling the kettle black.  These will often have no context – putting these on her page without explanation of why or what prompted them.  This are just random quotes taken from Tamara’s Facebook page…

• When will parents and grandparents or single mothers EVER listen or learn...you don't put KIDS in adult conversations. They are not a game token of life it's their life! Thank you Dr. Phil for you calm
• Are you finished? Huh? Sounds pretty good to me now, who would you like to speak with next? My dead father? You just calmed my day! I love you too!
• If you have anymore life instruction books, I will take it. Its like life forgets to put warning and precaution labels on our hearts!
• I agree God puts certain people in your life for a reason...Thank You, Will Fisher from the beginning of our friendship at Olympian Villiage Health Spa to the expanding family at J.Smith Lanier. Your life, your personality, and your humor in your testament has provided all us God Forsaken Sinners a chance for redemption through Gods World. I would like to share your blog today for anyone looking for God's Will PRAISE GOD!
• I'm looking for the how's my driving sticker...I shall not, will not report the university it belongs to...or the speed I was running too!
• I am screaming for HELP! Throw a bottle at the wall and see what sticks! I've never experienced Mania until today, I don't want to see mania especially medication pushed to mania! End of Story!
• UN bee live able! There is no way all this could have happened!
  Spend a day with me...and you will understand the scars! The Pain!