Church Lady Exposed!

I had been on my daily hike today and rounded the corner of the Cherry Valley Shopping Center where the Piggly Wiggly resides. I saw George sitting in front of Fred’s Dollar Store trying to give people rides for money. I also saw Church Lady sitting in front of the Pig with a table and chair. She is getting upscale.

I walked towards George. He was talking to an older black lady who was holding a shopping cart. George left her alone when he found out she had her own car and had driven there. She made her way to her car.

“Wazzup, my brotha!” George exclaimed when he saw me walking over.

I wanted to ask George about Church Lady. He is pretty informed about everyone who hangs out down at the Pig.

“George, I need to ask you something.” I said as I stood next to his car.

“Get in da office.” George said as he opened the driver’s side door and sat down in front of the wheel.

I opened the passenger’s side door and sat down as well. The car reeked of cigar smoke. George took a big gulp out of a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 wine and then screwed the top back on. He then cranked up the car and drove over to a deserted part of the parking lot.

“Do you needs me to hook yo ass up?” George said as he turned the car off.

“What?” I asked trying to follow along.

“Wacky weed or pussy.” He said. “George be yo man.”

I wasn’t interested in marijuana or prostitutes even though George knew where these things could be procured.

“No, man!” I said. “I wanted to ask you about Church Lady. She is driving me crazy.”

“You didn’t give dat crazy, white-ass, cracka any money?” George said.

“No.” I said. “I was just wondering if she is legit.”

George laughed heartily and took another gulp of wine.

“Dat bitch be playin’ all da crackas dat come in da Pig.” George said. “Monte saw her buying a carton of cigs and some beer at Fat’s da otha night.”

George was speaking of Fat Albert’s convenience store. Monte is his cousin who sometimes comes down to the Piggly Wiggly to cash his monthly check.

“I knew it!” I said loudly with conviction.

“Don’t be givin’ dat bitch any money.” George said.

“Don’t worry, I won’t.” I replied.

“How bout buyin’ dis old nigga a beer?” George asked.

I handed George a five dollar bill and bid him farewell. I had a hunch about Church Lady and now my hunch had been confirmed. I was talking to a friend the other day on the phone who had the same feelings as well. Church Lady is full of shit and is playing people. I will feel a lot less guilty about saying no from now on.