Church Lady, Go Away!

I awoke from a long nap and was hungry. I decided to walk down to the Pig and get the fixings for spaghetti. It was a hot and humid day. The heat wafting up from the road was causing mirages on the roadway and made the horizon shimmer. You could also hear the distant rumbles of thunder as summertime pop-up storms were beginning to fire. Cicadas were calling earnestly everywhere fueled by the heat of the day.

I walked past the flea market down below the Piggly Wiggly and stopped to look. They have tons of bootleg CDs and DVDs. They have all the current in-theater movies but they are low quality copies with mono sound. These are made by someone going into a theater with a camcorder and recording the movie. I asked what the ladies asking price was….five dollars a DVD.

“I’ll let you have two for $8.50.” She said.

“No thanks.” I said

The people that run the flea market are country come to town. They look like something off of the Beverly Hillbillies. The father scoots around in one of those powered mobility chairs you often see advertised on the television. He rarely wears a shirt and he constantly has a cigarette dangling from between his lips. The children are all running around with bare feet on the hot concrete.

I continued on towards the door to the Piggly Wiggly. All I needed was some cans of tomatoes, ground beef, and spaghetti noodles. Cap w/ Tag Guy was standing next to the coke machine as always and nodded his head hello. The tag on his cap went flailing about wildly as he did this. George and Slop were no where to be seen. I didn’t pay attention to the exit to see if Church Lady was out there.

I purchased my items and stepping through the automatic doors. I was caught completely by surprise. An ambush!

“Honey, can you spare some change for god’s work?” Church Lady asked persuasively.

She had a wild and fanatical look in her eyes. She held out a bucket with the picture of her church and a cross on it. She also held out a propaganda pamphlet with her other hand.

“My hands are full.” I said and they were full with bags of groceries.

“Set down your groceries over here. We need to pray so that Jesus can come into your heart.” She said. “Have you been washed in the waters?”

What she meant was whether or not I have been baptized. My patience with her has been growing thin as of late.

“No thanks.” I said firmly and started to walk away.

“God bless you and may Jesus walk with you.” She said loudly as if taunting me.

Church Lady is getting really fucking old as of late. I am seriously tempted to start driving to another grocery store.