Confessions of a Closet Atheist

I never could grasp the concept of God. That vengeful, vindictive God of the Old Testament always disturbed me. I was also perplexed by many of the concepts of the New Testament. A man being resurrected after dieing for our sins always seemed like an implausible fairy tale to me. What happened to all the other people who came before Christ? Are they in Hell? “Nonsense,” I would say. The very concept that a loving, omniscient God would allow a hell was an aberration in my mind.

What about the other “books” of the bible that were decided by the early church to not be included? There are some, you know. The Gospels of St. Thomas come to mind. The Gospels of St. Thomas had Jesus contradicting himself from things he had said in the other Gospels such as Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John. This always made me think of the Bible as a manmade collected manuscript of tales; not of the Divine.

Also, my scientifically inclined mind would go into overtime over such concepts as a 6000 year old earth and all encompassing floods with no evidence. The very existence of our fossil record and carbon dating precludes a young earth theory that is so touted by creationists. “Hogwash!” I would decree; such fools to believe in such ridiculous things.

I was reading the chapter in the Big Book just moment ago titled “We Agnostics.” I realized that the God above as described didn’t apply to me. I could really, honestly choose a God of my understanding. I could still be a spiritual person without all that baggage of organized religion. It was if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. A revelation occurred. A great sense of peace and understanding overcame me; a God of my understanding; what a novel concept. I guess that is why A.A. has worked for so many Agnostics and Atheists and is starting to work for me.

They say without this spiritual awakening that you will never get sober. I have come to firmly believe it now. I have struggled with drinking for most of my adult life. Drinking has taken so many things away from me; so many opportunities. I have spent most of my life trying to hide it unsuccessfully. I now find myself praying on an almost hourly basis; asking the God of my understanding for strength. If I can find God then the opportunities ahead of me seem almost limitless. There seems to now be a purpose to my life: to get sober and go out and help other alcoholics get and stay sober as well.